to mothers of teenage girls....

[SobaSoma]

Mine is 13 next month and has turned overnight from a sweet child into a self-obsessed, sullen cow who wants to spend every waking (and sleeping) moment with her friends. I'm finding it hard to gauge what's reasonable/unreasonable and would welcome input from those who have been there (or still are heaven help us!)

How many sleepovers do you allow them with friends and do you limit their phone/Skype/online usage? (mine has her phone permanently in her hand). Do you ever get to spend any quality time with them - I have to cajole mine into doing anything with me and this is a child who wanted to sleep with me every night until about 6 months ago. I know the way she's changing is normal but that she of course still needs boundaries. How do I try to enforce these without being confrontational?

And apologies for the stray apostrophe in 'parents' - urghhhhh

My dd is 15 and at the moment, we're on an even keel. That's not to say we've not ha dissues, because we have!
Picking your battles is a biggie-whilst I'd far rather she didn't wear a arse skimming skirt for school, she wears it with opaque tights and DM boots, it could be far worse so I don't stress about that.
Always be prepared to carry out a promise or a threat - but I've followed that from birth with both my kids, it still works. She KNOWS I'll do what I say
Don't be afraid to say no on occasion, even if it results in a a strop. I m not afraid to be the uncool mum.
Be her mum, not her friend, but try to keep communication lines open.
NEVER take the mickey about boyfriends, my parents did with me, with the result hat I told them nothing. So far, dd has been open with me about who she's keen on etc, hopefully that will continue.
Go with your gut instinct if something doesn't feel right, even if it makes you unpopular, the one time I didn't, it backfired. It wasn't catastrophic, but I was the one on here desperately looking for advice from others.

I still have a long way to go!

What about introducing some just you and her time. Something she would like. Maybe every thurs after school you go for coffee and cake together somewhere or something else she might like.

Also agree about making your place the ' cool' place for sleepovers. We didn't have much space but parents converted the loft into a 'den'. It had a window in roof and proper floors and carpet and boards on ceilings but wasn't done properly iykwim. Was freezing in winter but in summer loads of us used to crash up there in sleeping bags especially if we went out somewhere then all headed back after. My parents bribed us with bacon rolls and crossiants and lots of tea the next morning if we didn't make too much noise after 11pm! We also had a fire pit in the garden which was a summer attraction and kept us in the garden rather than elsewhere ( they also allowed us to drink and turned a blind eye after around 16! But no spirits and we had to self limit. If we had been binging rather than just the odd beer/ wine then it would had been stopped. My parents knew most of my friends and they all seemed to agree)

dd is just the same. I had a very disrupted teenage time, so I'm far too quite tolerant and quite enjoy her friends, sleepovers etc. I think this is what they do at this age, learn about relationships, peer group etc. So all that texting is actually an important development stage.

DD2 went to tea yesterday with someone I've never met with parents I've never met doing the transport.

She's in Y7 and it's the first time it's no been a friend from primary.

I'm going to have to get used to it.

She's not "Billy no mates" like her y10 sister.

(Actually that's not fair DD1 has very special friends, but not from school and I know them and their parents really well.)

I was really nervous, we live in the middle of nowhere, I did wonder if she'd remember her post code and give decent directions, but all went OK.

It's just hard letting out into the world the DD who you trust least to know how to look out for themselves.

Rather than the one born with an old head on her shoulders, who has no concept of being a teen and doesn't want to.

Sleepovers only in holidays/half terms - I allow her to have one then and make a big deal, pizza/popcorn/computer in the room so they can watch dvd's.

Phone - downstairs plugged in after 8pm - I don't want her texting,calling others after that time as I think it's rude and detracts from her quiet time, heading towards sleep. In fact all electrical stuff is outside the room after 8pm - computer, DS etc - apart from her cd/radio as she likes to listen to music til bedtime. Phone downstairs during music practise too.

We've done this since she was 10 and now she's 14 she's totally used to it.

Laurie, I am in awe that you manage to separate your DD from her phone. And the other electrical stuff!

I am implacable about good manners. Which means, among other things, the person in front of you take priority over the person on the phone. And about not having meals in bedrooms. cups of tea and biscuits and stuff yes, but not actual meals.

We have "family telly" which we all watch together- about 3 programmes a week- we decide in advance what they are going to be. And at least one proper round the table meal per weekend.

And- I think this is important, once they are teenagers, you can't have family rules that don't apply to everyone.

I think I would give way on tv programmes if you can bear it, because talking about them takes up so much time at school. She can watch it on the internet anyway, so you might as well have her sitting next to you.

Soap operas are good for moral issues because the baddies and the fools always suffer in the end

I found it easier to talk to my daughter (now in her 20s) in the car, when she didn't have to face me.

The best advice I can give you is to invent someone to whom all bad things happen! My friend's daughter is older than my daughter, mine had met her when she was little and admired her. I used to say, "Jane's friend was sleeping with her boyfriend and everyone at school was talking about her and Jane said, well surely everyone knows that the boys talk about you if you're sleeping around" etc and "Jane's friend was attacked walking home on her own" - most stories were completely made up but she never knew that. It worked much better than me telling her to do anything.

I know what you mean about the sudden change - when my daughter started her periods at 11 she was stripped naked in front of me before she realised and sat on my lap for hours afterwards. A couple of weeks later she'd transformed into someone who hated me. It was an awful time for me, but I know it must have been for her, too.

One thing you might want to do is to get her a diary AND DON'T READ IT! Let her get it all out of her system in her diary - it does help, I promise.

Yes yes to family meals ! Crutial I think.

Also my teens are very busy out of school which both gives them a second set of friends for when school goes a bit awry. It also means they are very organised and disciplined (eg ds 16yr had a half day Friday, he had a music lesson in the afternoon , then back to school to play at prize giving then o a party with kids from orchestra lol! He still had to be, and was up to get to orchestra this am too!!

Dd2 is 13 and hasn't yet got that social whirl going ...

The 2 at home have giffgaff phones -£5 for unlimited texts . They also get unlimited giffgaff to giffgaff texts and calls - they can always contact me.

We limit internet for the youngest but not the 16yr old ( but do have k9 to keep him off porn sites etc!).

I guess I'm lucky that school is ethnically mixed so a lot of girls especially have aquaintances that have very strict rules at home,o we aren't "the worst"!

Both of my teens (14 and 17) have busy social lives but work very hard at school. They have both come through the difficult times are are great company.

I have learned over the years not to stress about things that don't matter, keeping things calm and everyone talking to everyone is very important.

We eat as a family every evening, sleepovers are fine if no school the next day, phones are on contract- they just have to keep them charged.

The phones have findmyiphone so we can see where they are- so I don't worry if they don't reply to texts/calls. They often go to Starbucks after school with friends and then make their way home. I am at work so just leave them to it.

No restrictions on internet- I know how fed up I would be if anyone restricted my use. I feel it is up to them to organise their time and not get too tired for school, luckily they are pretty good at this so I haven't had to be heavy handed.

I would second them having hobbies and interests outside school which get them involved with people other than school friends. My dd has always danced and went through a phase when she was about 13 of really resisting going to classes. We made her continue, but allowed her to drop ballet. She's now saying she's glad we kept her at it, and is now wanting to pick up ballet again alongside modern

Just come back to thread after picking DD up from sleepover :) Reading the posts has given me a different perspective so thank you all very much. MrsArse what you said about your parents not trusting you really resonated with me; without reason mine didn't trust me either and consequently our relationship was very fraught when I was growing up. Above all I want DD to know I trust her and that she can talk to me about things and especially come to me when she's in trouble. That's one thing I felt I could never do with my parents which meant I always got deeper in and ended up upsetting them even more.

Just wanted to add a P.S. quality time should not be confused with guidance. Teenagers often need guidance rather than 'quality time'.