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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being selfish because I don't want him to go to the pub?

66 replies

AutumnGlory · 30/11/2012 22:24

So, he is at the pub. He works shifts and today he finished at 5, sent me a txt saying he was going there and I txt back saying ok, but I wasn't 100% ok. So at 7:30 I call him from the supermarket car park to check if he is back home and he is still at the pub. I call him and ask him to go home so he can still spend time with dd but he says he is enjoying himself and will be home soon (but he is not back yet). I txt him 1 hour ago asking if he is on his way but he says I love you, I will be home soon. It is pointless to call at this point.I'm glad I managed to make dd go to sleep because I don't want her to see him drunk. He doesn't go very often anymore and doesn't get drunk often anymore (used to happen a lot and we had rough times because of this) but I hate drunkenness, pubs, nights out and if I was to go myself with my friends he would be absolutely fine with me so I probably should cut him some slack? As long as even if he is drunk, he is quiet and go to sleep? Is there anything wrong with getting drunk and coming home late sometimes? He works very hard and don't have many friends a part from this one he is with right now. I'm not worried about OW, I'm worried about him being drunk at night in London and alone because his friend doesn't live near us and obviously I'm worried about dd seeing him drunk. Sorry it is long.

OP posts:

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 15/12/2012 19:14

Last time I went out on my own and left dd with him I left her dinner ready in the fridge but he said he would cook say sausage and mash for her. I told him not to forget broccoli and left the broccoli on the stove so he wouldn't forget. I came home and he had cooked sausage and chips....the broccoli there untouched. I asked why she didn't eat broccoli and she said she wasn't offered....I ask him, not reasonable answer of course. I ask dd kf she still wants broccoli and proceed tks cook it and she than eats a bowl full of it in front of him. I than talk to him about healthy eating and all this blablbl....he is a chef. He can cook beautiful food when he wants to impress. But when it's only to feed dd or himself he does crap things like this and I know he is copying his childhood. Sad really. First time dd as a toddler stayed at PILs without me, MIL gave her a princess tinned crap for dinner. I was shocked.

OP posts:

theleanandhungrytype · 15/12/2012 19:30

You sound like you are just going around looking for excuses to get annoyed with him. Is it really an issue that he goes out drinking and then one month later doesn't give his daughter broccoli?

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 15/12/2012 19:30

He works either from 8am-10pm, or 8am-4pm or 2pm-10pm. He needs around 45 minutes for travel. I would say he does the long day shifts at least 3 times a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 15/12/2012 19:36

Would you cook sausages and chips but no broccoli even tough broccoli is there and it is your child's favourite veg...? Specially after your spouse asked for you to include broccoli and left broccoli right on the top of the stove for you?

OP posts:

Dozer · 15/12/2012 19:57

Leanandhungry, there are many reasons why the OP has good reason to feel aggrieved, brocolli or no brocolli!

Does he ever take DD out alone OP? If you asked him to do that tomorrow, how would he react?

Have heard that the hospitality industry can be bad, both in terms of conditions of employment and drinking.

HotBurrito1 · 15/12/2012 19:59

I'd have found you leaving the broccoli out patronising, and probably have cooked her carrots to be stubborn.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 15/12/2012 20:01

I would have felt patronised by the broccoli being left out too and it would have made me not want to do it, especially if I felt someone was nagging me and on my case.

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 15/12/2012 20:05

If you haven't "investigated" your relationship with alcohol and the effect it has had/is having on you, I fully recommend that you explore this issue. A good, easy readto start you off is this book I had a similar upbringing to you and the scales seemed to literally fall from my eyes when I read this book.

Good luck OP, I know it's not easy x

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 15/12/2012 20:16

He constantly can't find stuff in the fridge or cupboard so I would like to think I left the broccoli out for this reason but maybe he thought I was taking the piss...? My MIL is very patronizing with her "men is all the same" bulshit, bless than, they can't do the washing up properly or don't know how to work the wash machine....or they don't know how to find their stuff and need to constant ask. Drives me mad. Luckily for me she learned how not to say these comments when I'm around but he was brought up this way.

OP posts:

SorryMyCandyCaneLollipop · 15/12/2012 20:54

You will never know what he thought or why he didn't give her the broccoli. What is more important is that you felt let down by him over the broccoli and you seem to be feeling let down by him a lot. It may be about his behaviour, it may be you projecting things from your past onto him, it could be a combination of both.

The most important thing here is that you are not happy and it's impossible in your situation to see things clearly without some sort of structure and/or support.

I also think that al-anon may be very useful.

If you don't start unpicking things then you will either continue to suffer in your current relationship (no matter who is at fault, you are unhappy and therefore suffering) or this relationship will come to an end and you will repeat the same patterns ad infinitum until you do manage to unpick things.

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 15/12/2012 21:22

Thanks.

OP posts:

Rollergirl1 · 15/12/2012 22:57

He hasn't had a shower for over 2 weeks? How can he get away with that if he works with food? That's disgusting!

It sounds to me like you don't really like each other that much. What's in it for any of you?

AmberLeaf · 15/12/2012 23:40

Is there anything you like about him?

fanoftheinvisiblebigredman · 16/12/2012 09:02

I have to be honest OP and say I am a little confused as I replied to your first post where you didn't like dh going out but he didn't get drunk often and was a good dad inbetween. Has he just developed this borderline alcoholism and become a rubbish dad in the last two weeks?

What you presented originally seems to have changed significantly.

Original poster

AutumnGlory · 16/12/2012 10:12

He hasn't had a shower for over two weeks. That is normal for him even in the summer. I used to nag and nag because I do think this is disgusting. He has a 'wash' every morning. He thinks this is enough. And when he had a shoer last time it was super quick he didn't even smelt nice like we do when we have a proper nice shower. And he expects me to be up for sex???? He does have a quicly shower when he thinks I will have sex with him...of course this just makes me repulse him even more. In the past he had been drunk very often, there were times when he shit himself, vomited all over, slept on the floor, left the front door open with belongs outside, lost Iphone, wallet, got mugged....for the last two years he had been improving a lot, specially the last year, it has been 'ok' whith the drinking problem. He is the one who claims to be an alcoholic, not me. He has been to see the GP two years ago and he spoke about his drinking problem, the GP referred him to see someone else (nurse or other doctor, I'm not sure) he didn't go because he said he could sort himself out. Which he has being doing. He hasn't come badly drunk from the pub, I worry he would and I get anxious and worried him coming back alone in the evening. Plus I would rather he spend time with DD than his drinking mates but I know now I have been U about this. I say he is a good dad because he is kind/patiente/fun and loving. But he is not very proactive, doesn't take her out to do interesting things on his own very often and uses TV and computers a lot when spending time with her. And as DD said the other day: Is dad at home? He will be either sleeping or on his Ipad. He has been like this a lot lately.

OP posts:

dequoisagitil · 17/12/2012 12:15

I was going to come back to this thread earlier, but have had a busy weekend - but you're been playing on my mind, Autumn, (and I see on a quick glance through that there is more going on here anyway).

What I was going to come back and say 'though, was that you get to decide your deal-breakers - and it doesn't matter if a horde of other people think it wouldn't be one for them. It's you that is living the relationship, and if you're unhappy to the point you think you'd like to leave, then that is 'good enough' reason to leave.

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