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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend might be having an affair, according to her DD... what to do?!

37 replies

helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 00:33

DD's friend told my DD that she thinks her Mum is having an affair. Mum is a friend of mine, and actually , I think that might be the case (but don't know for sure, just confirms some very strange behaviour ).

Common sense tells me to keep out of it... but on the other hand, I wonder if friend should know that her DD (young teenager) is suspecting this - I think friend has no idea that her DD and siblings (and possibly DH) have this suspicion

OP posts:
CleansLate · 30/11/2012 00:35

I have been the DD in this scenario and it fucked me up like you wouldn't believe. It is too much of a weight on young shoulders. I would tell my friend what had been said. True or not, it shouldn't be weighing down her DD. The feeling of knowing something which could break your family (or thinking you know something), isn't something a child should experience.

Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 00:38

CleansLate... sorry for your experience. THis is precisely why I think friend ought to know what her family are thinking... whether it's true or not.... at least she can address it.

But I worry that it if it is "something and nothing" which would otherwise pass over, that I could have made it worse for the family/DCs. Hence the dilemma. But main reason for wanting to mention it to friend is to avoid what you went through

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missymoomoomee · 30/11/2012 00:43

Maybe just say to your friend 'I don't know if its true or not, and I don't want to know as its none of my business but your DD thinks....' That way you aren't grilling her for information or getting involved but you are putting the ball in her court on how to deal with it from there on in. Its a really tricky one and not something I would usually get involved in, but I do think in that situation I would say something.

Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 00:46

thanks missymoo - that's how I was thinking of approaching it. But then if she's not having an affair, am very worried that it might make trouble with her family.

Thought I might say I'd heard a rumour (so I could leave her DD out of it)?

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missymoomoomee · 30/11/2012 00:54

In all honesty I would tell her that its her daughter. She needs to know that this is effecting (affecting?) her child whether its true or not. If it isn't true she can have a talk with her and if it is then she needs to see what she is doing to her family.

What do you think her reaction would be if she knew it was her daughter?

badinage · 30/11/2012 01:06

You can't tell her that her daughter thinks this without the girl's permission!! If she confided in you, don't betray her confidence at any price.

By all means say that you're concerned yourself and that you've noticed her daughter seems unhappy and preoccupied.

Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 01:07

if I knew for sure she was having an affair, wouldn't have any qualms about telling her it was from her daughter to shock her into the reality of the effect on the DCs (c.f. CleasnLate's post) ... but if she isn't.. then am worried I would create unnecessary tension between them (and my DD and me - but that is a secondary concern)

Was wondering about leaving friend's DD out of it and saying I'd heard a rumour, or that I have my own suspicions (which I do but based on very flimsy evidence)> I just don't know. What she is doing is up to her at the end of the day but am very close to their DCs and am very concerned about impact on them.

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 01:07

x-post badinage.. but yes, quite, I agree with you

OP posts:
Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 01:08

(athough she didn't confide in me, she confided in my DD, but same confidentiality issue )

OP posts:
CleansLate · 30/11/2012 01:09

I would tell her the absolute truth, that my DD had heard it from hers.

Affair or not, she needs to put her kids first. Still, always, and address their concerns.

If my parents had been honest (more honest), with me - I was old enough to see through a lot of bullshit and it upsets me when people assume a child can't comprehend adult behaviours because they can - it would've saved a world of pain for all concerned.

Original poster
helpmehelpfriend · 30/11/2012 01:11

I get that cleanslate and agree with you up to a point.. but if she's not having an affair, am concerned she'll take it out on her DD

OP posts:
missymoomoomee · 30/11/2012 01:12

What is her relationship like with her DD generally? How do you think she would take it out on her?

badinage · 30/11/2012 01:15

Completely agree that it's a terrible burden on a child and sympathise with her DD and the other poster.

What has she been doing to give you suspicions?

Think it's always best to own what you are saying in these situations, rather than breaking two confidences. Obviously both girls have landed this in your lap expecting you to do something, but with least fall-out for them which I understand. Be careful especially about betraying your daughter's trust.

HollaAtMeBaby · 30/11/2012 01:16

Yes, I think say you've heard gossip. Or if you're good enough friends with the mum, just ask her?

CleansLate · 30/11/2012 01:18

If she'd take it out on her DD that's an issue in itself Sad

missymoomoomee · 30/11/2012 01:21

Putting myself into your friends shoes for a moment - if I was to hear that there was a rumour going around I was having an affair, I think I would shrug it off. If I heard one of my children was upset because they thought I was having an affair I would be devestated and mortified and talk to them (if it wasn't true) or stop what I was doing right away (if it was true).

Ormiriathomimus · 30/11/2012 10:27

Tell your friend that her DD is worried about some rumours she has heard. That will be enough IMO.

EdithWeston · 30/11/2012 10:42

As she's a friend, and you have noticed some odd behaviour, perhaps you could approach it from that angle?

You coukd say you're a bit worried that something's up because of XYZ, and you were wondering if you could be any help. You coukd (depending on how the conversation goes) add that her DD might be a bit stressed about it as she's said a couple of things you are concerned about.

If she's not having an affair, she may be promoted to look at whatever else it is that has caused the apparent change in order to fix it. If she is, or if she's contemplating one, it's all too easy for the cheater to get into some sort of bubble of unreality without really thinking about the consequences. Bringing to her attention that her DD is already stressed might be a wake up call before the situation gets even worse.

Ormiriathomimus · 30/11/2012 10:44

"it's all too easy for the cheater to get into some sort of bubble of unreality without really thinking about the consequences"

Quite.

dH had no idea how his behaviour to all of us had changed during his affair. Because he simply didn't notice.

puds11 · 30/11/2012 10:46

My sisters and i knew my dad was having an affair. We made it obvious to him we knew, but never had the courage to tell my mum (i was 12). We told her years later, and she said she wished we had told her Sad

OneMoreChap · 30/11/2012 11:53

oh, and if you do find out, do tell the DH immediately.

She's be a weak cheating bastard, and there's never any excuse for an affair.

It's wrong for her to be living a lie with him.

She should have left if she was so unhappy in the marriage. I believe that's the correct line, isn't it?

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow · 30/11/2012 11:56

Think that's between them isn't it OMC?

EdithWeston · 30/11/2012 11:59

Not necessarily.

The DD us already stressed, the DH is being duped, and the person who is totally responsible is the cheater. The longer the affair lasts, the greater the damage.

It's a question of integrity. You become a colluded in the betrayals inherent in an affair if you promise secrecy.

OneMoreChap · 30/11/2012 12:01

Oooh, no.

If a man is having an affair, you have to be aware of the damage it may cause the family. It may be painful, but you have to ensure that these things are out in the open so at least they can be discussed. If he's contrite enough and the woman is weak enough to stay with him that is their decision.

Isn't this the same thing?

CinnabarRed · 30/11/2012 12:01

"Tell your friend that her DD is worried about some rumours she has heard. That will be enough IMO."

I agree with Ormiriathomimus's assessment.