Uncomfortable with distant relationship with old friend

[UnbridledPositivity]

Im meeting her for coffee tomorrow, and I can't take another hour exchanging meaningless pleasantries and empty chit chat! So I'd be grateful for any views and advice on what to do.

My friend, let's call her Jane for that is her name, is the same age as me (late 20s), we've known each other for 10 years. We were quite close initially, I spent the occasional weekend at her house (my family too far away to reciprocate).

Kept in touch while we were at uni at opposite ends of the country, I visited her a few times, she never visited me. After my degree I moved to her town, mostly because of her, but also for work reasons. We met up regularly with our OHs until I got pregnant and couldn't leave the house due to Hyperemesis. She visited once during my pregnancy, and then again when baby was born.

A year later I separated from my husband and she was very supportive, coming to my house at midnight after I asked him to leave, and every day for an hour or so for about a week. So she was very supportive. But after a few months of meeting up regularly she seemed to get annoyed or bored whenever I talked about things I struggled with, at one point she even said 'I don't know what to say...' in a kind of 'oh well, nevermind' kind of way. I'd understand this if I only talked about how hard my life was, but I made a conscious effort not to become that person and made a point of asking about her stuff, offering support when she seemed down.

She seemed to prefer not sharing much of what was going on in her life, and still never lets on when something is difficult or really bothering her. Sometimes she might drop a tiny hint when everything is resolved already.

This all seems to indicate to me that she wants to wind our relationship down, and that's fine. But I'm confused because she still keeps giving me birthday and Christmas gifts for DD, exH and me, and she asks if I want to meet for coffee every couple of weeks, and keeps saying 'oh, you'll all have to come round to our house soon' etc.

We work in the same office, and at the moment she only says hello and barely ever stops by my desk for a chat. When I go to her desk to ask a question or whatever, she's friendly.

So, perspectives please. What's going on here?! Are we just done? Should I say no to coffee from now on?

Is it ever ok to ask her what's going on, or could that only go wrong?

(Just for full background info, she is occasionally quite patronising, and I generally feel quite inadequate next to her as in the last 2-3 years she seems to have been on a self-improvement mission - steadily losing weight, carefully put together outfits, more and more expensive clothes, whereas I first became a mum, and then a single mum, so you can imagine how I feel about myself.)

Phew, longest post ever?! Sorry.

as you work together definitely DON"T ask her wtf she is playing at. Possibly she doesn't like to share about her life because you are work colleagues, and that is why she likes to maintain a cordial but coolish relationship. I know I am v v careful indeed about some aspects of my life/health at work. Basically the friendship seems to have evolved from old friend to work colleague from what you describe.

TBH, I think you are reading too much into things - maybe she's just the sort that keeps stuff to herself, maybe feels you have enough on your plate without putting extra from her.
She sounds like a close and good friend to me

Thanks for reading the whole thing!

We don't 'work together' as such, just in the same room, all quite informal. (Although she seems to like feeling all important, so you might be right about her wanting it to be a colleague relationship.)

She shares personal stuff with other friends, as far as I can tell. She has one other very good friend, ad a couple of months ago she kept occasionally suggesting that we all go out together. I was really enthusiastic about it, because it could have been fun, but then I saw photos on Facebook of my friend and her friend at one of these events. This led me to cool things down a lot and defer meeting for coffee quite a few times.

I know what you mean OP I have had a friend like this before...keeping her distance yet always arrangiing meet ups.. sometimes I felt it was for her convenience, sometimes I felt I wanted to be closer friends with her than her with me. Sometimes I felt she didn't really care too much, I was just making the numbers up!

Sorry to hear you've had this too. Did you come to any kind of resolution? I hadn't thought about it from this angle, but my friend has lots of friends, but I'm the only one she has a work connection with. I suppose perhaps she sees me as her work friend - she likes talking about work related things.

I'm always a bit puzzled by these kinds of posts.

Friendships come in all shapes and sizes and are on different levels. I have a few very good friends who I will chat with into the early hours about anything and then I have other friends where the relationship is much more superficial. They are still people I value in my life and I like to see them and pass the time of day with.

Surely you can't have too many people in your life? I don't understand why you would take an "all or nothing" approach. Just accept the friendship for what it is.

Go for coffee. Don't discuss important stuff.

Work on the basis that she enjoys your company but maybe doesn't want to share her innermost thoughts with you.

Friendships change and come at different levels; enjoy what you do have.

I think she sounds... nice. You could do a lot worse

It could possibly be a bit of control thing.
It could be she feels she sometimes runs out of things to say.
It could be she has depression at times.
It could be that she is moody.
It could be that she sometimes takes the things that you say, the wrong way.

She does certainly sound as if she is having the friendship on her own terms.

From your last paragraph of your op, she seems to feel inadequate in some way. That would also affect how someone behaves.

She visited once during your pregnancy and once when the baby was born, and you were by then both in the same town.
She may have felt jealous, she may have felt inadequate in some way, she may have thought she didnt have much in common with that, she may have been going through a bad patch about something.

She doesn't want to have children and I understand her reasons, so don't think she was jealous at all.
She does get depressed sometimes.
The reason I'm taking an 'all or nothing' approach is that I don't feel I really get anything out of it: she likes to mention the fact that I receive benefits usually when we have coffee, and it isn't always necessary. So I never feel particularly comfortable with her.

She always has this kind of superior air about her and she seems to have carefully cultivated a particular persona. Basically, she infuriates me most of the time and makes me feel rubbish.

Things in my life make me feel rubbish enough as it is, I don't need a 'friend' who requires me to hide all of that. Who exchanges birthday/Christmas gifts with distant acquaintances?

Personally I would let this friendship go.
I had a very similar friendship for 14years - we ended it about 6 months ago as we had both changed, and I was finding that her presence in my life had no purpose.
Life is too short.

Maybe she is one of those people who feels like they need friends from all areas of their life, but isn't necessarily nice to them all.

Sounds as though she's quite condescending towards you, and in your position I would try to slowly remove yourself from her. Difficult as you need to stay friendly as you work in the same office. With the presents, start reducing the cost of your presents to her until they become 'token' presents or tell her that your DC really don't need more presents - I've had to tell friends not to buy my DC large presents because for every toy they get, they have to get rid of something as we simply have no room for more toys and it's getting difficult.

So you moved to her town 'mostly because of her' (did she know this was the reason?), she was supportive to you during the breakdown of your relationship, chose not to burden you with her troubles or issues, she buys you and your family birthday and Christmas gifts and keeps inviting you out for coffee and out with her other friends.

You, by your own admission, feel inadequate next to her as she's lost weight and now wears expensive clothes, you don't feel comfortable with her, she irritates you, you think she 'seems to like feeling all important' and you have cooled things down and deferred meeting for coffee quite a few times because of a perceived slight over a night out.

I'm really struggling to see how she's such a shit friend and you're such a great friend to be honest - sorry!

Out of interest, do you have any other friends? Because it sounds like she has quite a different life to you (child free) and a good social circle and you've only mentioned her. You seem very focussed on her, what she's doing, who she's friends with, etc. How come you ended up working together - who worked there first?

WhoNickedMyName, don't you think the OP is saying that her friend likes to make her feel bad?

Personally I wouldn't spend my day off having coffee with someone who made me feel bad. I'd cancel and next time it's mentioned I'd avoid getting tied down to an actual date.

OP, spend some time with people who make you feel good or spend some time alone. You don't have to spend time with people like this.

don't you think the OP is saying that her friend likes to make her feel bad?

To me the OP seems almost borderline obsessive about this lady. Which is why I asked if the friend knew that the main reason the OP moved to the same town, was because of her. I mean, who actually moves town mainly because one friend lives there??? Wow, that's a lot of pressure on the friend to make the OP's move worthwhile.

And I'm still interested to know how they ended up working at the same place.

As a PP pointed out, friendships come in all different shapes and sizes. Friendships also wax and wane. The OP's life has changed dramatically since they became friends, but the friend's life hasn't. Sounds like they haven't got too much in common, other than work, at the moment. No big deal, that's just how it is, and that may change at some point.

But the OP has admitted that she wants all or nothing, and nothing less than the friend divulging her innermost thoughts and feelings on a regular basis will do. To be honest I'm baffled as to why someone would want to be friends with a person that they talk about in such negative terms, which is why I also asked if the OP has any other friends.

Your friend isn't making you feel bad.

You are doing that all by yourself.

This 'friend' suggests a get together but doesn't follow through even though she knows the OP is keen on it, she always mentions that the OP is on benefits when they catch up - and you guys think it's the OP making herself feel bad??

Op, you've said it yourself, she has cultivated a new persona, and you knew her under the old persona, back when you were at uni and she clearly doesn't want to be that person anymore. She is finding it hard to move the old friendship into her new world, and so is keeping you in your place in that old world, but because you work at the same place, she doesn't know how to break it off.

In answer to your question OP
I had a few confused evenings at my friends place at social events/ house parties.. always invited, but she would not speak to me while I was there! I was thinking of her as a friend at that time and felt upset at the way she was treating me. She still invites me to Christmas parties etc but I don't go.. I literally got nothing from them. This particular friend was quite self centred and wanted to be the centre of attention.
I think she didn't really care less, I was just making up the numbers for her social events..

In general if seeing someone leaves you feeling bad, it is wise to see less of them

Thanks all for those insights, certainly food for thought.

I have no idea what kind of friend I am. I don't have lots and lots of friends, but some. To clarify about moving because of my friend: I used to live here, then moved away for university, then moved back because I had an offer which was really good and just right, and I hoped I would see more of my friend. So not entirely because of her, but she was a factor, which she doesn't know (and why should she?). I was wrapped up in my relationship for a long time, so certainly not relying on my friend to organise my social life for me.

We met up today and it was strange. She kept talking about her other friend and how she is really worried about her at the moment and always meeting up with her to offer support. That was a bit of a slap in the face. She invited me to go to something in the daytime tomorrow with her and this other friend, who is currently 'chasing a married man' (my friend's words). DD's dad cheated on me, so I'm not sure I could trust myself to abstain from sarcastic comments, so it'll be better not to go. I told her it was nice of her to ask me, and will reiterate that tomorrow.

It doesn't sound good to me.. unless you can recapture the rapport/ closeness that you had before. I think its fine to have superficial friendships but its not fine to go from close to superficial on a one sided basis.
Either talk it through or stop seeing her.

DIYApprentice, I think you may have hit the nail on the head there - perhaps the whole problem is that I/our friendship just don't/doesn't fit in with her newly constructed identity. The annoying thing is though that I am pretty much interested in most of the things she spends her time (and money!) on nowadays, but because she keeps most conversations quite work-focused and never actually follows through when she's invited me to things, there's no chance for this to become clear.

I don't think we could talk it through, she's just not that kind of person, and she'd probably give me a whole list of things I've done wrong in order to defend herself (that's how she seems to deal with disagreement/confrontation).