Help with marriage issues

[Nornironmum]

Sorry in advance if this is long but I could really do with some help right now
Dh and I are married 7 years and together 12 and have 2 dc one 5 and one only turned 3. We met young he is the love of my life and I have always adored him. I work part time after Dc as could not afford full time child care. But have degree and always wanted a career. Dh works very hard and always has for our family and earns a good enough wage.
Here are the issues he started a new job, which he was headhunted for over a year ago. Works in finance, he began working closely with a female work colleague who is going though a divorce and also has 2 young Dc who she takes only at weekends. The job was the issue in their marriage. Dh is off on leave as he had so much to carry over as he is never off, works late most nights to 10pm is rarely home for bed time etc. he and work college travelled together yesterday and had 4 hours together on a train but he still needed to speak to her for over an hour last night at 9pm about a work deadline and today on his day off he spoke to her again about work ( I was not there to hear conversation only know from seeing phone)tonight again for half an hour even though he is off on leave.
He has spoken to her late at night other times too, and then txt after thanks for our little chat.
He goes out on work events at least once a month last week on a wed night didn't come home to 5.30 am and had to be up at 7 for work, as did I. He does this almost every time he goes out.
He took me to a work ball in June I was nervous to meet the work colleagues we booked into a hotel to make it special. We both had too much to drink he took me back to the hotel and put mevto bed and left me there and went out to a male work colleges house and did not come back to 9am I was very hurt and embarrassed about this.
He tells me in jealous of his job and success and its my fault I'm insecure. I have never been insecure in my life. He was at a work event a few weeks back and it was another very late night, the next day a female client he only met that night txt his phone asking if he had any weekend plans. There were 2 other messages but they were deleted as I could see ( it's an iPhone) he said the reason for this is that they were about his boss and it was a work phone.
I can't help feeling jealous and I secure all the time, I have never felt this low.
We are going to counseling because of these issues and he told the counsellor the night before the 5.30 am night he would be home at a reasonable hour in order to build back my trust in him, and the next night he was out to 5.30 am. promised the next day that he would even go to xmas do next week, as he knew he had no control and didnt know when to stop. Then today has said he has to go, will be the only one not there.
He tells me this is his job and I just have to deal with it, and it's my weakness if I can't. But I really can't if it was one issue like the close relationship with the female work college I could maybe but not everything. Our dc love him he's a great dad, but I feel like shit wondering and worrying all the time who he is with etc, I don't want to be this person anymore. Please help

Sorry but you know the answer is staring you in the face. This man has no respect for you.

Out until 5:30 or 9:00 am is not work that is pleasure/fun.

Telling you that you are jealous and insecure is his way of turning his poor behavior and attitude back on you and try and make it your fault.

He lied to the counsellor to get them (and you) to STFU and back off with no intention of actually doing it then went off and did exactly what he wanted.

He doesn't care if you trust him or not.

I keep saying that but he tells me I'm wrong and I put him under stress with the constant asking who are you taking to etc. I just don't think any job should entail being on the phone that late at night on days off work to a college male or female.
He said its not his fault the client txt him she took his business card, but why delete two txt messages, but he said they were about his boss and he had too. It makes me think how he behaves on these nights out for women he has only met to txt personal things like any plans for the weekend. He did txt back will be spending if with my 2 dc,s though as he admits he knew it should not have got personal so he was putting a stop to it. Almost every time he goes out he stays out most of the night after promising not to. I am up all night sick with worry. I just can't do it anymore I'm sick at the thought of the Xmas do as I know he will do it again, he promises not to, but he promised not to I'm front if the counsellor and did it the next night.
I just can't take anymore I feel like total shit

I know xsales he really does not care or he would keep to his promise and not even mention next week. Please help me what can I do here I feel like a peice of shit and I'm questioning my own mental health thinking maybe I am going mad and this is all ok and any other woman could deal with it, and I feel like a failure because I can't

I'm going out with my 2 DC could mean anything. He didn't say I am spending time with my wife and 2 DC just the DC. Suggests he may tell people you are not together and he sees them at the weekend.

Personally I suggest you get down to an STI clinic and get a full check up. He may not have done anything while working until 10 pm and then out until all hours with a woman or several women. He may not have done anything at all but I would prefer to know I was clear.

Only you can decide what you can do.

You are going to counselling. It's not working. He is playing the sessions, making promises as it looks good and stops the having to deal with that issue in the session. He is not committed to them. That means he is not committed to you or your marriage right now.

Drop the joint sessions and go to some on your own to try and help you clear your head and thoughts.

We are here to chat/hand hold whenever you need.

/hugs

PS he can only do the awesome job he does, working all hours and ignoring family/relationship because you are there to do everything else.

You make his work possible. Don't ever let him accuse you of being jealous!

You don't know he doesn't care about you, but he is certainly taking you for granted and not considering your needs. He sounds horrendously selfish and needs a massive wake up call from you if he wants to keep you.

Book yourself in at the counsellor for a session either alone (if you can) or with your h. Make sure you tell the counsellor how he tells you one thing, then does another, and his attitude towards you is making you question yourself and your sanity.

Meanwhile, do something lovely for yourself. A lovely bath, nail varnish, read a good book, go out for coffee... Whatever YOU want to do. He is being an arse, it's not you.

Is there a way for you to get back onto a career path you are interested in? It is hard when your kids are small, especially if you are the main caregiver, but can you make a plan for the next few years?

Thanks so much everyone I am making career plans but I will always put my kids first no matter what I do. Part time suits now its an ok job but I don't want a career that takes me out to all hours anyway. I have read this to him thinking it would help but it has made him angry and he is annoyed that I failed to say the female work college is us boss. I didn't think it would make any difference so I didn't write it.
Right now I don't want to be in this marriage. I deserve better. I am hard work and emotionally draining and probably demanding but I still think I can find better than this.
I want more from life and I want respect and he is giving me none. He just told me I don't understand his stress and that anyone can raise a family.
It just shows how little he thinks of what I do.
I love him and I always have but he won't change. He has promised to drive at the Xmas do to show me a commitment, but I think it's too little too late right now. I don't think he has cheated, I know he flirts but I don't think he would do that he cares too much about what people think of him and knows I would tell everyone. I can't make him respect me, I have got a life for myself the gym, the PTA at school and work etc, and I know I can cope alone. But I do love him and I just want him to respect me. We are both only 30 his job is v stressful we have 2 young kids struggle for money as bought in the boom so no matter how much we earn we struggle. He loves the kids and they love him, he is a good man with a good heart. We have so much history we grew up together. I want to mahd this work. He says he sorry and he does too and won't go to Xmas do and will drive if he does. But I just don't think all if this is enough anymore it feels to late, something inside me has just snapped.
Not sure where to go from here.

Get back to the counsellor, they can help you through this, with or without your husband.
Times are hard and that does put extra pressure on relationships.
If all he is offering to change is the christmas do, then you are right, that is FAR TOO LITTLE too late. You need fundamental change in the balance of the relationship... Can he offer that?

To be blunt: I think you married too young and decided to give up your life to be an appendage to his. 'Putting your kids first' doesn't mean erasing yourself. You need something else in your life besides meeting other people's needs and fretting about your H. Start concentrating on you for a bit - if he's the 'good dad' you reckon he is, then take one night a week for yourself to go out and let him look after DC.

It might be that your partner doesn't understand the harm caused by not sticking to his word. He thinks it's only a night out, what the problem, your over reacting, and maybe can't see that he is damaging the trust you have in him, piece by piece. This may not be the case, but it could be. Some things that are blindingly obvious to some aren't to others.

It's good you've both agreed to counselling. I think the first several sessions are about digging down into the issues, and its likely things might feel worse before they get better. If there's hope of fixing things, it will take time.

Yes we did marry young, no Dc then we both wanted to.
I still love him and want this to work but how can I make him respect me?
When I asked him tonight how long he spoke to work collegue he checked his phone and said 16mins, I said I didn't believe him and checked and it was 29 mins. It's the lies that are making me paranoid. Said work college left her children for this job and only sees them weekends but still manages to devote so much time to hubby's career and constantly help him, I just wonder why? What's in it for her? But I know I'm paranoid I just can't get these thoughts away.

You're not paranoid or unreasonable.

You are being made to feel paranoid and unreasonable however by a man who is chronically selfish and who lies to you and others at the drop of a hat.

Ask yourself this.

Would your husband swap lives with you? Would he have been fine with stepping off the career ladder, being the primary carer for the children, while you worked and socialised to excess, stayed out all night a few times after you'd said you were going to be home, spent your evenings chatting to your male boss/colleagues, started deleting texts from them and other men, lied to him and your relationship counsellor?

If not, why not?

Stop showing him this thread. You need a private space to get advice.

I'd ditch the couples counselling and go on your own.

Someone posted something similar on here a few months ago about a DH who had got a new job and was throwing himself into the late-night lifestyle and making his DW feel worthless for not having a career. Was that you, OP?

I'm not convinced that all of the the things people are saying about his lack of respect for you are right, it is possible to become swept along in things and lose sight of how your actions affect those around you. He is behaving badly, but I don't think it's because he doesn't love and respect you. However if he is the same DH from the other post, then there's more to it.

I don't think you should be demanding to know how long, to the minute, he was on the phone to his boss. I wouldn't welcome that kind of thing from my DP. Your husband would be a total fool if he started anything with this woman (aside from the obvious reason of having a loving wife and DCs at home) because his career would be on the line. He shouldn't be lying to you, full stop - but it doesn't necessarily mean he's cheating too.

What is he doing on these all night jollies? Does he have a drinking problem, or is he taking drugs?
It sounds like he works in an industry where partners and families are way down the list of priorities and he's buying into that wholeheartedly. Are you happy to live like that? If not, it's ultimatum time.

So you read this to your H. Does he pick up that his wife is really distressed, unhappy and hurt about his behaviour at present and try to sort it out?

Nope.

He picks up the one fact that you didn't mention about his colleague.

Uses that to try and turn everything against you and make you in the wrong.

Not one hint of caring or remorse.

No the other poster was not me. This is my first post about this.
I'm really not taking to him at the min. I am very upset and very confused.
He can't give up the job, there are no more and we need the money we are in a lot of negative equity, I don't want him to anyway I know he loves it.
I want to give an ultimatum but what can I ask? I can't ask to give up the job, or not go out, it's all business development. I can ask not to drink though, that really does not help matters he makes stupid decisions when drunk.

Your DH is an immature lying prat. Sorry.

I also work in finance in an account handling role. To be (more than) fair to your DH sometimes when I am on annual leave I find myself on the phone to work more than when I am at work (the need to answer questions etc to those taking care of my projects/clients). Other than that however, in my experience the graduate recruits behave the way your husband does. The rest of us have families, have grown up and are sensible. Yes sometimes I have to go to work dinners/conferences etc but I do not EVER feel the need to stay out until 5.30 am (or even until after midnight) and nor do my peer colleagues (male and female) or indeed clients. Additionally my firm has quite strong views on employees who get drunk in front of clients.

Your posts sound very confused - something has snapped v you want to make this work. He is messing your head up big time and when you are at the point of questioning your mental health you would be better off without him than living with him while he is behaving like this.

If you met him while you were very young are you sure you love him (he does not sound very lovable and god knows how you could possibly have any respect for him) or is it just that you are used to being with him and scared of anything other than what you have always known?

You should not have to give an ultimatum. Your DH's behaviour is (quite understandably) making you unhappy and he should want to address that. And the thing about an ultimatum is that you have to mean the "or else" - what would that be and would you?

I know your right Sarah? Would I go through with it? I don't think so and I think he knows it, we have never had a break. He would never want to as he cares so much about what others think. He would never want his parents to know, they don't even think we have had a fight in 12 years. He has a funny relationship with them, does not tell them anything nrgative. I tell my dm everything she can see both sides of this, loves dj like a son but hates me hurting, but is very objective and points out when I'm wrong. Which I'm glad for.
I think I need a break at least right now, but it's almost Xmas, where would dh go? He would never tell his parents and we could not afford hotels etc. I just can't go on like this I'm feeling horrible not sleeping tearful and anxious. Just horrible really. I just don't know what to do, but I do know I have had enough of this crap. But where do I go from here?

You didn't answer whether he would swap lives. It wasn't rhetorical. I really wanted you to think about that.

The reason he behaves this way is because he doesn't respect you and knows instinctively that while you might moan, you won't leave him.

You can't make anyone do anything - love you more, respect you more, behave in a certain way. The only behaviour you can control is your own. Unscrupulous and selfish people abuse others' love, attachment and dependence on them and when they get away with it without consequence, will carry on or get worse.

One of the first barriers for you I think is to stop believing that his behaviour is job-related and a necessary evil. It's not. He can hold down a job without this much socialising, staying out all night, flirting with other women and lying to you.

Then concentrate on whether you want this life for yourself. If you don't, but for some reason you want to keep him then curiously enough, you'll achieve your objective only when he believes that he's lost you.

No carbon he would never swap lives with me. Nor I with him, I am happy that I can be there for the Dc and lucky he worlds hard enough that I can work part time. I don't want to be going out drinking and partying we did all that before dc. It's not for me. I guess he still feels the need. He does not take drugs at all. He is very ambitious and always was, part of the reason I love him I guess. He says he lies our roles as they are, but who wouldn't lives the life of Reilly. House spotless dinner made kids in bed when he gets home, no housework at weekends I do it all on Friday when I'm off. He just does not appericate me. I suppose the less you do the more your thought of?

I guess the point is that for anyone who is committed to their partner and their children, it wouldn't be the life of reilly not to see them until they were all asleep and for one's behaviour to cause this much unhappiness. It wouldn't be okay for you and it wouldn't be okay for me.

But it is for your husband.

He is making an active choice in this.

So you need to do the same.

How do I do it? What choice do I make? My way is not working so far so I'm willing to try anything now

How would you feel about telling him that you feel unloved, disrespected and that you have to take control of the happiness in your life. So given that you have made several attempts to ask him to change and he hasn't, you have concluded that he prefers to live this way so you are now seeking a separation?

You've got to mean it though and he's got to believe that you do. This cannot be an empty threat.

I think it's my only choice really. And I really do mean it.