I asked DP how he felt our relationship was going and got a verbal slap in the face as a response.

[AlexFromDivision]

The beginning of our relationship was very intense, almost teenage like - obsessed with each other and full of wacky ideas about our future. Very immature really but it did calm down to a more realistic pace and now we see each other a lot still but we're not shagging like rabbits anymore or dreaming of skipping through magical fields arm in arm so to speak. Despite this, I am still very much in love with him. I thought he felt the same.

More recently however I could sense things between us was cooling right down and so I asked him about it. His response has really thrown me. He said "I've not known you long, we're just getting to know each other, let's just see how we go?."

I know he hasn't really said anything wrong but in the beginning I had us mentally walking down the ailse to Guns N Roses and living happily ever after - I know it was stupid but he encouraged these ideas and made out that he was as in love with me as I was with him.

Then he turns around and says we're "just dating". I asked if he felt we should break up and he said no, he still wants to be with me and he still hopes we have a future together but we need to be realistic and stop living in a fairytale. I know he's making sense but it feels like such a smack in the face

I asked him if he'd every marry again (as this has been playing on my mind as it's something I really want eventually) and he replied "errrr yeah .... probably ... but I'd have to have been with that person for ages first" -

"That person" - not me then?

Am I reading too much into it?

Now, how do I go from thinking I am with the love of my life to "just dating someone"? It's not like I can just turn my feelings off.

You were in lust for the first few weeks, then reality sets in and the real relationship starts.

You dont live with each other, so yes, technically you are still dating.

You are his girlfriend.

I asked him if he'd every marry again (as this has been playing on my mind as it's something I really want eventually) and he replied "errrr yeah .... probably ... but I'd have to have been with that person for ages first"

He isnt saying that isnt you.. but to be honest, marriage may not even be registering on his mind after such a short time..

He is saying "dont pressure me, it is too soon".

I think the world of you, is not the same as 'I adore you, spend your life with me'.

He has said he wants a future, but on his terms. He has given you a fairly harsh slap down considering the kinds of things you were saying to each other, you now feel vulnerable and powerless.
Step back. If he wants you then make him chase you, let him be the one to feel uncertain. Take some control back, because at the moment you have none.
Whether he comes after you and in what manner will give you your answer.

OP do you feel you've finished having kids? If not, and even on the basis that you've said you ultimately want marriage, I'd move on from this. He's nowhere near that and maybe never will be.

If marriage (and possible kids) weren't on your radar, you could stick with it longer to see if it goes anywhere. If you're sticking around, distance yourself as others have suggested, and reclaim your life a bit.

Also agree with Alibaba: let him do the chasing.

Was this the man who owned his own place outright but you were thinking of buying a bigger place together and live with each other if you paid all the mortgage yourself?

No Panda, that wasn't me.

I don't want more kids (he can't have anymore anyway) but I do want to be married. It's something I feel more and more strongly about the older I get. I'm 30 and never been married - he's "been there, done that" so I know it isn't a big deal to him. I just don't know what to do now. I don't want to spend the next 5 years wasting time hoping for something that is never going to happen but at the same time I feel maybe he IS speaking sense, despite how it hurts and I just need to go with the flow and see how things go?

Feeling so fed up about it all. So much so, that I've joined a new fitness class to keep busy which really isn't me lol

5m in, and you're behaving like a fruitloop?

Marriage?

You don't even know this guy! He's your boyfriend, NOT your partner.

Why are you so desperate? Why is your self confidence so battered?

You need to know a bloke a HECK of a lot longer than a few months to have the wedding conversation.

Fwiw, hes right to be non-commital at this stage.

That said, and you don't know him anywhere near enough to be sure of anything, he could be messing with your head on purpose.

A mega fast, intense start to a relationship is red flag numero uno for an abusive relationship.

You have plenty of time, take all the time you need to make sure HE'S good enough for YOU!

Some relationships are intense to begin with, it doesn't necessarily mean it's an abusive relationship though it can mean things are out of balance imo and the bucket of cold water is bound to come.

when you were in the obsessed stage, did you talk about marriage? you said you talked about 'wacky ideas for our future together', did that include marriage talk?

I don't think he's playing fair to be all over you one minute and the next back-peddling - you got to that obsessive stage together, it wasn't just you. I don't think it's on to suddenly get vague about things.

To that end, take that as a sign and do try to develop your life away from him. It's hard if you're still seeing him because he has ALL the power here, which is not good at all

Hiss - intensity doesn't necessarily mean abuse. DH and I moved in after two months, 8 years, two children later and we are still solid, despite everything that life has thrown at us.

On the one hand OP, don't idealise marriage. It's not a panacea for a perfect relationship and the relationship already has to be very solid. Marriage won't make a non-solid relationship solid... Imo people have too many expectations of marriage in and of itself and I suspect you might fall into that category from what you've said about it.

On the other hand, he's been there and it's very unlikely to be a priority for him. If you want it that badly, you at least have to be throwing mud where it's likely to stick... and I don't really think this relationship is that place, sorry :(

It's you isnt it?

AGAIN!

Oh fuck a duck - every time I get sucked in!

5 months is around the time a lot of people take a look at someone they've been dating and decide whether or not it's a big deal for them. A lot of the time, to be frank, they decide that the partner 'will do for now'.If the partner is bleating about weddings already, if they've got any sense they cut and run.

You, by the sound of it, need a hobby. There is far more to life than Getting Married, and a couple-relationship should be a pleasant extra in a healthy life, not the focus of it.

I think it's a bit harsh on the op to accuse her of being obsessed with marriage or idealising it. I was going out with a man recently and he told me frankly that he didn't want to get married (again) and I told him frankly that I would like to. I was still the one who ended it though. He wasn't right for me, either for marriage or for a ltr. Just because marriage is something you'd eventually like doesn't mean that you lose all reason. In fact, I wish I'd been a bit more focused about marriage when I was younger. I'd have wasted less time, prioritised different traits in men. I don't think 'marriage' or a great relationship just fall into your lap unfortunately. Unless your beautiful in which all day every day you're just auditioning wannabees.

Well maybe he's right. The first intense stage doesn't really allow you to get to know anyone properly. Not enough to live with them anyway. He might have phrased it better but you did ask.... He's been there before don't forget so he knows the pitfalls.

Have you posted about your relationship before?

Ali - yeah it's her

Poor you i had a similar experience, it hits you harder when things go wrong.

I took a step away, went away for a few months...came home we got married!

Nothing you can do but cool it, if he wants you he will come running.

He is making a lot of sense and you sound needy and desperate.

Which is probably why he is cooling down. Why not just BE and enjoy what you are having rather than naming it and fitting it into a bracket, and specifying where it is heading?

Enjoy the journey without thinking about the destination.

I didn't say this is abusive, but 5m in, you just can't tell. OP is clinging onto this as a be all and end all. Tbh, OP is coming across as somewhat unhinged.

Please don't tell me the OP is who I think it is, divorcee to be?

Sheesh. Why do we bother?

OP says she wasn't married no?

Wow... man is all over woman like a cheap suit and promises the earth for the purposes of getting in her knickers and then cools down rapidly when domesticity and commitment actually look like they might happen ..... hold the front page, that's never happened before

OP the ONLY way to deal with this is play it cool.

It's not as uncommon as some posters are making out and is not necessarily a reflection of his feelings for you. It's part of the process of falling in love, one person tends to get cold feet at some stage. It's how you deal with it that will determine the outcome.

Play it cool, do other things, don't be available all the time. He will soon come running. Chase him more and he will run. Trust me, I've done it bo ways and had both results.

He will soon come running????? He's already got his spikes on in response to Little Miss Where's My Engagement Ring (no offence OP) and he's heading for the hills!

Divorcee to be is a genuine poster afaik, repeated does he/doesn't he like me poster (boxy#2) is someone else. This OP may or may not be her.