I asked DP how he felt our relationship was going and got a verbal slap in the face as a response.

[AlexFromDivision]

The beginning of our relationship was very intense, almost teenage like - obsessed with each other and full of wacky ideas about our future. Very immature really but it did calm down to a more realistic pace and now we see each other a lot still but we're not shagging like rabbits anymore or dreaming of skipping through magical fields arm in arm so to speak. Despite this, I am still very much in love with him. I thought he felt the same.

More recently however I could sense things between us was cooling right down and so I asked him about it. His response has really thrown me. He said "I've not known you long, we're just getting to know each other, let's just see how we go?."

I know he hasn't really said anything wrong but in the beginning I had us mentally walking down the ailse to Guns N Roses and living happily ever after - I know it was stupid but he encouraged these ideas and made out that he was as in love with me as I was with him.

Then he turns around and says we're "just dating". I asked if he felt we should break up and he said no, he still wants to be with me and he still hopes we have a future together but we need to be realistic and stop living in a fairytale. I know he's making sense but it feels like such a smack in the face

I asked him if he'd every marry again (as this has been playing on my mind as it's something I really want eventually) and he replied "errrr yeah .... probably ... but I'd have to have been with that person for ages first" -

"That person" - not me then?

Am I reading too much into it?

Now, how do I go from thinking I am with the love of my life to "just dating someone"? It's not like I can just turn my feelings off.

how long have you been dating?

Yes, how long have you been together, and how much of it was in that intense fairytale stage?

Wow. I don't think you should feel foolish for having thought that it was more than just dating. Can he seriously tell you that everybody he 'just dates' has been so firmly on the same page that the two of you sound (ded). I think this reminds me of an x of mine. it felt so right, and then suddenly he said that the weight of the 'implied commitment' was too much I hope it ends better. Do the opposite of what I did. Be cool.

I don't know what to say. But :-/ I can't believe that 'just dating' can feel so right on one side of the desk and like 'just dating' on the other side of the desk. Iykwim. I have been here. It's baffling.

Are you both quite young?

Only been together about 5 months and I'd say about 2/3 months were in the intense stage. I remember him bringing me home from his house at 3am in the morning because although we needed to be up for work at 6, we couldn't bare to say goodbye to each other. I feel sad when I think about it now really, I've never had such intense feelings for someone before and now I feel a bit stupid, like it was all one-sided.

I've been a bit emotional today. Been at work and everytime I see a wedding ring I start welling up. No idea why it's hit me so hard, I just thought we were more than "dates".

We're not young really but there is a big age gap. I'm 30 and he's 10 years older than me.

Sounds like my X, one day he was talking marriage the ohther he was cold like ice. He didn't want to let me go and left me dangling until he decided he wasn't feeling 'it' anymore...turns out he was exchanging messages with an old flame and dumped me to try a new adventure with her....keep your eyes open and don't act too needy. Play cool and a bit not interested either. Get a new hobby, look after yourself and get a little bit busier than usual. Good luck.

Ouch! No wonder you are feeling a bit floored. Tough one really. I was in a very similar situation with someone a few years ago. It may be that he is ultra cautious especially as he has a failed marriage behind him. It may not be a reflection on you per se but more an indication of him perhaps taking stock of now that the heady days of a new r'ship are sort of over IYKWIM. I would just sit tight for now and see how things progress over the next few weeks. Perhaps for now avoid anymore conversations about the future

"When a man tells you how he is, believe him"

Sorry, I don't think you have a future with him...

Probably the rabbits thing that got him..

So, stand up, dust yourself off and move on with your life.

Ridiculous, over the top intensity early on in a relationship is not only unsustainable, it's destructive. When the obsession fades, you are left with a come down that can make the whole relationship look tarnished in comparison with the (not real) intense beginning.

Poor you. You are right to feel upset.

Knowing what i know now, I would back off, get a couple of new hobbies and get busy. I would certainly not be putting my money on him.

You are 30 and you want to get married and have a family. Don't waste time (like I did!!!).

And 6 months is not that long actually and if he has a failed marriage in his past he is very sensible in being careful. Just don't act needy whatever you do. Maybe you were talking too much about future and wedding plans?

Easier said than done to just walk away from it. I feel like it's a DVD we need to rewind and start again so we understand the storyline better. Because somewhere along the line, I got the fucker totally wrong!

I just feel gutted basically. And I struggle to see how we can go back to "just dating" when we never really had that "just dating" phase to start with. From the moment we met we were all over each other and promising commitment/exclusivity. And now we're "just dating".

I know I need to keep busy, fill my life with good things and enjoy it for what it is. Something to keep the bed warm basically.

Is this the one who said something along the lines of how he was going to have to face up to the fact he was never going to get back with his exW?

If so, I think it's pretty clear he's not so much as not on the same page as you as not even reading the same book.

I've been in the situations you have described for your earlier days and the biggest mistake you can make is to cling on and try to make a relationship out of what is left when the initial surge of lust/can't believe you've met an equal, has worn off.

Break it off now, before you invest too much more in this man

I said to him last night that I honestly believe the intense beginning we had might actually be the very thing that destroys us. We promised each other too much. We fell in love with the people we thought each other were because we didn't truely know each other.

He said to me that in the beginning I was this sexy, 30 year old woman and it was "just us". Now that person doesn't really exist and the reality is that he's involved with a 30 year old nurse, mum of 2 kids with responsibilities, problems, interests and he's not the 40 year old man that can dedicate 100% of his time to me. He has kids, a mortgage, a job with responsibilities, a divorce behind him ... now is the time to see how we work with the REAL us. I do understand what he's trying to say. I just still feel like I've been smacked in the face.

Ok, you liked the first flush of the relationship. But what you'll actually get if you stay with him is the man you see now.

Do you really like what you see?

Yes Meditrina, I truly do like the man I see now. Ok so his 'bad points' have come through a bit. He's moody after work, he says he'll fix stuff and "forgets", he leaves his mucky socks on the floor - I still love him.

Maybe he no longer likes what he sees now that he's getting to know the real me. I know I'm a mardy cow when I'm tired, I don't shave my legs every night (anymore! lol) and I can be messy - but christ, nobody is perfect.

I think, tough though it is to accept sometimes you can see something from one view and then suddenly your perspective swivels totally and you see it differently. It sounds like he was thinking of you like that to begin with, but now for whatever reason, painful or irrelevant, he's reconsidering. YOu haven't changed but the way he sees things has changed. I don't believe that that level of intensity to begin with was ever 'just dating'. That's what he says now because he can't say to you 'i thought this was something huge but now I'm not sure'. I 've been on the receiving end of this and I had to finish with somebody when I realised I was just seeing the relationship from a different angle suddenly.

Ouch indeed.

DH and I were like that in the beginning, drove hundreds of miles at improbably times to be with each other, went home early from parties because we wanted it to be just us.
Then he moved in, we got engaged and set a date, got married and had two children and now he is upstairs hanging up the washing to dry while I get the dinner ready.

Just because you have an intense beginning doesn't mean that things won't work. But it sounds like he just isn't that into you any longer :(

I would emotionally detach, because he isn't going to give you what you want - and I suspect when you take the long view in a year or so you will be glad of that.

Ow that must have been like ice water. You sensed something wasn't quite as it had been though because you asked and risked that answer. It hurts now but better to know how he feels. Deep breath, step back, now you've been honest with each other and I suspect one of you will now vote with their feet, sorry.

He has told you OP now you need to listen...

But despite saying this, he did say he still wants a future with me and still thinks the world of me. I'm so confused.

Alex, I had that too.

Almost 3 years later, I broke it off. We weren't even living together. Age gap was the same. I had several wake up calls early on and chose to ignore them.

Can you quietly take a break? Don't arrange 'dates'. Hook up with your friends and family, fill up your diary for the next few weeks and cool off. Take any time for yourself that you can.

It sounds like he's trying to cool things off.

I went through a similar intense relationship and it took me five years to really get over it. I didn't listen when my ex was clearly telling me he didn't want the relationship to continue. It caused me a lot of pain. Agony, in fact.

well you know, he has been honest.

Maybe he got a rollicking because while he was in the intensity bubble with you, he neglected his kids and let his work/home/ responsibilities slide. Perhaps he got into trouble at work and was given a warning because he fell asleep after only 3 hours sleep, or missed a deadline. Perhaps his children started playing up because their dad had apparantly abandoned them to be with his new girlfriend.

While you were in the intensity it WAS just about the two of you, a bit like a holiday romance, wonderful, but ultimately not reality.

He says he needs to deal with reality. If he has kids he cannot be there for you 100%, thats true. He needs to concentrate at work, pay his bills. But he wants to have a future with you, but one built on reasonable expectations?

so as long as its HIS commitments which are causing him to be less available, rather than his resentment about YOUR kids/life/intersts (because that WOULD be a no no) then it may be harsh but Im not sure its as dreadful as you might think.

And you didnt ask him 'do you want to marry ME' - it was as non specific as his reply. Its too early for him to make genuine proclaimations of marriage imo, but he sounds as if he vcertainly doesnt dismiss it. I think you are being a bit oversensitive.