Historic abuse, to report or not?

[canteventhinkofaname]

I have recently found out that my exP of 6 yrs ago (the father of my son) sexually abused his daughter until she was 11 and she refused contact with him anymore. I left him due to DV at around the same time and stopped his contact with my son pretty well immediately, with the support of ss as they had concerns that he may have been grooming his daughter, (but no proof).
It has been left hanging for the last 6 years until now when she has remembered/realised what happened to her.

ExP moved to another country around 3 years ago and has a young son with his new partner. Since he moved my family and that of his daughter's have been able to get on with our lives without constant worry of him coming after us and it has been a huge relief that he is gone.

Apart from being totally sickened by this recent development, I am really struggling to cope with the responsibility knowing it brings.

My dsd and her mother are terrified of reporting to the police because it will bring him back to this country. I am terrified too as I would need to testify against him and even if he was convicted and served a sentence it probably wouldn't be that long. If outed he would be likely to be ostracised from the small island he lives on and would therefore be back in the UK, probably looking for revenge on us. We would potentially have to spend our whole lives in fear of him.

BUT he has a child living with him and there is a strong part of me that needs it to be reported for the safety of that child. Obviously I can't force her to report it, but I don't know how long to wait ( it's been around a month) and every time I think about reporting it anonymously I feel terrified of the consequences.

What do people think? What would you do? Protect your own family, by keeping quiet or potentially put us all in danger to protect another child who may or may not be being abused?

Any thoughts gratefully received.

Oh...hmm I don't think I would be able to keep quiet tbh....

But I can understand its going to be a horrible time for you all...sorry no real advice for you....just good luck!

Not sure if i have advice for this but, theres many for and against,

Since hes away from you all, but living with another child and an unsuspecting partner, has is he and is he likely to do it again to someone else?

Its something that needs careful and delicate handling.

Thanks Mrs Tom I don't think I will be able to, but am really scared.
Mrs Flib I have no idea if this child has been or will be abused. Research says that abusers don't just do it once, but it is possible that its a girl thing and as his child is a boy, he will be not be abused. I just don't know.

I was wondering does he live on a UK island or is it really another country?

Also would social services want to know if he is living with another child and partner, so they could look in to it without involving all of you?

No it's not in the UK, it is a small European island. There is an international social services.I am told by the nspcc that they would look into it, but my worry is that he would know that the referral had come from somewhere, and may guess at us exes.

I'm so sorry to say this as I know it will cause you pain, but IMO it's your duty to report it. He will have access to other children where he is and you cannot allow it to happen again.

HilaryClinton and Mushroomsoup you've hit the nail on the head. Arrgh!!! I agree with you both!

Does he know where you are?

Are you sure he would automatically think that it was you that had provoked a SS investigation? Afterall if they've been involved before it's conceivable living with another child would automatically trigger more SS inquiries.

Personally, I think your first duty is to protect your own child and your DSD. You do not know the circumstances he now lives in. Can you be sure that his new relationship has even lasted, as I think it's unlikely he will be able to sustain any long-term relationship with all his 'defects'/criminality.

He knows the address of his dsd as she hasn't moved, but he doesn't know exactly where I live. I have had letters from him recently through my solicitor wanting phone contact with my ds, and suggesting we forget the past and go out on holiday to stay with him and new partner so ds can meet his brother. He has always been deluded/manipulative/minimising. Before dsd's disclosure I was considering some form of written contact as my ds is desperate for a dad. But obviously now there is no way this is happening. I need to write back saying this, so a negative letter from me coupled with an international ss investigation may point the finger at me.

He knows the address of his *daughter (not dsd)

Well my advice would be to definitely not write to him - ignore ignore ignore.

I think you have to put the safety of the children who are your responsibility first tbh and leave this well alone. \don't feel guilty about it - it's a considered decision. The first call on you is your own child and DSD.

Thanks electric, appreciate your thoughts.

I don't have advice but I do have some experience.

Firstly what type of stuff did ex do to abuse and terrorise you in past?

My DS disclosed physical cruelty and I went to police but because of age of abuse and also a maintenance case still hanging...which has been for several years they decided I was making it up!

Since DS has disclosed more horrific stuff far worse and I will not go to police because without proof they can't do anything and they won't take DS word...or should I say they think its my words!

Anyway ex lives abroad in European country but easier to get here than Scotland if you get my drift! He attacked and terrorised DS and I for years. I now have CCTV and a front door with no letterbox due to arson threats.

My advice...keep away from this man if he is as half as crazy as mine!

Ex has dd who he has every other weekend...I would not dream of telling ex ex wife as she would go straight to ex (she did before) and I know ex will kill us.

My plan is to save up and try and pay for private psychotherapy for DS as will probably last a year or more!

No one else will protect you and DS...your main priority is your DS no one else and starting this you may start a life time worth of revenge! SS are so rubbish they will prob let it slip you reported it too....oh when ex reported me to SS they told me it was ex and exDM had meetings with them! So you have been warned!

Play with fire and you'll get burnt. Run don't look back and do not promote relationship between DS and his df!

A thought that may be totally wrong, but can't help thinking about his son, as you obviously do.

Instead of going official, with all the potential for you and your son, could you find a way of anonymously warning his current partner? She may rubbish it, but if I had something like that it would plant the seeds and I might become aware of behavior I hasn't considered suspicious before. She might be able to protect her son without you becoming involved?

Thank you for sharing that seaofyou, I really feel for you, sounds like a nightmare. When it first came out and it looked like dsd was going straight to the police I had started thinking about emigrating to Australia to keep us safe.

4amin have thought of that too, but as sea says I would worry that his partner would tell him so couldn't do that.

I tried to warn ex new DP that ex was abusive controlling alcoholic twunt but she called me the liar as had been 'charmed' if your ex a Narc you will know what I mean! She did however track me down several yrs later going through nasty divorce and apologized to me.

He did warn her if she does what I did to him he would take her DD and she would never see either of them again. So she lives in worse fear as he has legal rights and contact. Although she lets him control her still for safety of DD.

If DSD goes to police with HER mother, she does have her biological mother right? then you are out of the frame IYGWIM and ex will not target you and DS...unless you testify! If you are then made to testify be ready to either make your home your prison like I have with CCTV and no letterbox and I still don't sleep much, or change your name and move as far away as possible....but my advice do not get involved.

I might have this wrong? but if this man is a Narc you don't enrage him...I learnt the hard way stupid me! My experience is they are very impulsive and will devise the most evil act and instead of like most normal people who would calm down after 24hrs they get worse and keep attacking...it actually got to a point ex was on 3/4 week attacks in last 5 months, which is a lot considering he had to get here via ferry and car 10 hr journeys, ex was getting more brave in attempts to get to me and I was terrified for DS and my life...as police convinced I was doing it all for 'payback' I had started to accept we were eventually going to be murdered as I was so exhausted from not sleeping 12 nights on a row and the nights I slept...well how did ex know ? or was I just unlucky those odd nights my body and mind collapsed in exhaustion there would be another attack and I would not sleep until light hours again. 2 days after CCTV put up ex was outside my house at 1.35am on Monday am for 12 minutes...he must have been stunned as was just starring at it not expecting it then texting! He has not darkened my door (well kicked or try to burn it again). Although he has driven past several times but I don't look at CCTV anymore as that is ex still having control, called me insulting names and even parked outside late at night. The cyber insults are fine they don't threaten ds and my life....but when ex does certain things on internet is usually a sign he is getting mad again and I worry their will be another attack....ex blames me for anything in his life going wrong ? this is where YOU canteventhinkofaname

I'm even worried putting DS into therapy because when he comes out with what he has told me, police will be involved and then I risk the veil being dropped again and vengeful return tenfold. So that I might not even do? Poor ds keeps coming out with stuff when triggered:(

Also without evidence or witnesses police who dealt with ds first think is this his exDP after 'payback' sad but true! You could be left with no protection and in serious danger.

I really don't want to say welcome to my world canthinkofaname I am writing this to try and protect you and your ds. It is like living the film The Shining totally terrorized!

ex blames me for anything in his life going wrong ? this is where YOU canteventhinkofaname could also become his easy target for revenge even if you didn't go to police! (sorry never finished sentence doh)

Thank you so much for sharing all of that with me seaofyou. It has really got me thinking and helped so much to hear from somebody with real experience. Everyone ( and it's not many) that I have spoken to in RL has agreed with me when I have said that I have to speak out, and to be told that not only is it ok not to, but that I would be a fool to do it is quite a relief.

I think I would find it hard not to back up dsd if she did decide to go to police, but if she doesn't, then maybe I should be grateful that I can continue to give my kids a safe childhood. Thanks again for sharing your story.

I am so sorry that you are living in such a grim reality, and that you are living in fear. I asume you've thought of/tried womens aid? Would you consider moving away so he doesn't know your address? I was serious about going to Australia, if that's what it took for us to be safe, I would. Good luck, and I hope you do manage to get some help for you and your ds.

Thank you canteventhink I am glad it helped as dont want you to have years of trouble. I have thought of moving but as an experienced hacker it isnt worth it as ex will find me in 5 mins and I have to stay in LA due to complexity of SN law/school named and ds loves so could not move far!

I have had counselling from WA they are fab I suggest you do to. Did you watch 'My Stalker' on Channel 4 last week....watch it! This is what a Narc is like and the nearest in RL I have seen to my ex...so if your ex like that keep quiet and yes I believe you re moving to opposite end...the fear can do that as it did opposite to me I froze and now I am battling to step over the door!

You could not back up dsd unless you saw the abuse you could only comment on your DV but this adds weight to this nasty character.

Just watched 'My stalker'. Tbh I avoided it when it was on tv as I can't handle watching anything remotely scary at night. Nightmare, yes my worst nightmare, and my biggest fear is that if he 'lost' contact with this child ( it would be his 3rd lost) and lost his current partner and home then he would seek revenge and then I just don't know what he would be capable of.
Thanks again seaofyou, you have really brought home the serious and very frightening reality of this.

canteventhinkofaname - given that your ex has got back in contact with you, any action of yours or anyone else could well trigger a response from him as he would think it came from you.

If you really think he is as dangerous as this (and my DSis had years of torment from someone who isn't even as bad as your ex sounds like) then you need to take steps to protect yourself now. If you think moving somewhere to Australia will help, then do it. Right now you sound as though you have been nervous for a long time. You need to think of the long term, and what would make you feel safe.

Please note that the ex has not made direct contact with the OP, DIY, and as he doesn't know where she is currently living she cannot be said to be in imminent danger from him.

Furthermore, it seems the OP ceased to have any dealings with her ex some 6 years ago and he has not sought to challenge her decision in the family courts by applying for contact with her ds.

However, what isnt clear is why the OP has retained the services of a solicitor unless she has done so purely to field any communication from her ex.

Izzy

'Please do not allow sea's creative and colourful account to alarm you as it owes more to fiction than fact '

Izzy You are welcome to come to my home and see my CCTV, Front door and read 14 police reports! Which part of that is creative on my part huh?

You know exactly everything that happened as I spent many months PMing you over it! Just because you did not feel threatened or frightened...you were not in my shoes alone with a disabled child and no RL support and trying to cope with a lunatic attacking your home...so please do not say I am making this up or more 'colourful'! I suggest you find someone else to belittle on here because I know what I went through and their were witnesses too... oh but you know that too!