Historic abuse, to report or not?

[canteventhinkofaname]

I have recently found out that my exP of 6 yrs ago (the father of my son) sexually abused his daughter until she was 11 and she refused contact with him anymore. I left him due to DV at around the same time and stopped his contact with my son pretty well immediately, with the support of ss as they had concerns that he may have been grooming his daughter, (but no proof).
It has been left hanging for the last 6 years until now when she has remembered/realised what happened to her.

ExP moved to another country around 3 years ago and has a young son with his new partner. Since he moved my family and that of his daughter's have been able to get on with our lives without constant worry of him coming after us and it has been a huge relief that he is gone.

Apart from being totally sickened by this recent development, I am really struggling to cope with the responsibility knowing it brings.

My dsd and her mother are terrified of reporting to the police because it will bring him back to this country. I am terrified too as I would need to testify against him and even if he was convicted and served a sentence it probably wouldn't be that long. If outed he would be likely to be ostracised from the small island he lives on and would therefore be back in the UK, probably looking for revenge on us. We would potentially have to spend our whole lives in fear of him.

BUT he has a child living with him and there is a strong part of me that needs it to be reported for the safety of that child. Obviously I can't force her to report it, but I don't know how long to wait ( it's been around a month) and every time I think about reporting it anonymously I feel terrified of the consequences.

What do people think? What would you do? Protect your own family, by keeping quiet or potentially put us all in danger to protect another child who may or may not be being abused?

Any thoughts gratefully received.

izzyizin Not sure how helpful it is to suggest that I am 'running away with the fairies'

I have had phone conversations with the NSPCC and the child protection police about this and they have both said that basically it needs reporting, either by dsd or by somebody so that it can be investigated. The NSPCC have said that they would pass it on to the International Social Services ( Not uk family services as the child is not in this country). I was surprised that they would do this with no evidence, but they said they would.

When I say I would need to testify, I mean that I would do this for her to back up her case, if she chose to go ahead. I did not witness the abuse (obviously, or would have reported it long ago). However having been told by her some of the details about her abuse, sadly it rung very true for me and she knew things about his sexual preferences that a child doesn't normally/ shouldn't know about their father. I am supporting ds ( as is her dm who she still lives with) and I am actively encouraging her to seek counselling.

As background and in answer to some of your other points
When I left exP he initially wanted contact with ds, until it was suggested that he had supervised contact and was risk assessed. At this point he sacked his solicitor and walked out of court, refusing supervised contact. After a couple of years spent fearful that he would take revenge on me for taking away his son ( I used to get 20 odd texts per day, and I didn't change my number for some time as I felt safer if I knew what state of mind he was in),he met a new partner and left the country. I heard nothing from him until this summer when he contacted my 82 yr old dad trying to find out info about our whereabouts and asking for contact with ds. I contacted the solicitor I had used originally and she offered to pass on mail to me for free. I wrote to him asking him not to contact my dad and said that he could contact me through the solicitor if he needed to. Unfortunately this has created a flood of letters which I now need to deal with.

But yes you are right, we are not in imminent danger, it would be the future I would worry about. And although he doesn't know our address, I live in the same rural area as I did before I met him, so it probably wouldn't be too hard to find us.

Izzy- you are sounding incredibly patronising, and very, very wrong.

The OP may not be THE victim of the child abuse, but she is certainly a victim, who clearly is in fear. I have two very dear friends who were children in such abusive relationships, and they have both changed their names to avoid being found by their fathers, the thought of these men coming back into their lives fills them with terror, and they are in their 20s and 30s now. My DSis had an ex who put her through hell, and he never even laid a finger on her once the relationship was over. I can't even begin to imagine how much more difficult it would have been for her if she had feared him physically, the emotional torment was bad enough. Women who fear their ex coming back into their lives are not overreacting.

Also, the OP could very well be called on to testify. She may not be able to say 'this particular abuse happened', but if the OP's DSD says 'on my birthday we went out to X place, and my father bought me Y, and then later that evening he did Z to me and I was wearing this particular outfit', the op can be called to verify that yes, there had been an outing for DSD's birthday, yes they went to this particular place, and yes, DSD was wearing that outfit, and yes DSD seemed withdrawn the next morning'. This is how abuse can be corroborated.

Thanks DIY

canteven sorry you have had this negative experience not all MNs are this belittling!

You have been through a lot and I HAVE been in similar shoes...as ds disclosed historic abuse which has NOT been made up/creative/colourful which is sick to even suggest YUCK!

But CPS need evidence and it is so hard to prove historic abuse...so police may come to you for evidence of dates ex was with DSD when you were in relationship with ex to see if dates add up but still that is not hard evidence.

But if ex did get to hear you were involved in any way expect vendetta against you and ds if this is your es's style...I know it is my ex's style for much less things ie returning Xmas Card back to ex parents. So reporting abuse would be far far worse! Ds disclosed to his teachers too...they wrote statements etc and still no action as sadly being an 'ex' they add 2 = 2 = 5 and it is assumed the mum is making it up:(

2+2=5

I was always rubbish at maths