How do I deal sensetively, with overly generous MIL

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I may have what appears to be a non problem but it is an issue of managing the feelings of my very nice and well intentioned in-laws and my desire not to have ridiculous amounts of gifts this Christmas.

MIL has been calling this week to ask what children want for xmas. They are 4, 6 and 8 and the only gc that the in laws have. Ds1 has given 'santa' a list of lego StarWars sets he wants we have bought a couple, dh emailed links to 3 sets expecting mil to choose one but she has pgurchased 3! OTT as getting equivalent value gifts for the dds will be expensive and excessive. I told dh that one well chosen gift for each gc from his parents was all the children should expect this year.

MIL does spoil the kids and it worries me. Dh has handed the baton to me for desling with this though and i will have to call her. How do i say thanks but no thanks without offending her? They are coming to us for xmas dinner and i want to have a nice day without simmering tensiins under the surface! Help. Please.

apologies for typos getting to grips with the sndriid app and my viewing window while typing is misaligned. Need to adjust settings methinks.

Oh gosh let her! Don't be a meany! If she were buying things you hated, fair enough, but she asks you what they want and buys exactly what you say.

Pass the baton right back to your dh!

I think I would phone and apologise saying that you didn't for a second expect all three that's far too much and see what she says. If she is really keen then I would let her do it this year and have a quite word next year about being worried the kids are getting spoilt and could she help you by minimising presents.

My MIL will always try and buy the entire list too. And then get in a panic when she has spent more on one child than the other, so rushes round topping up with 'stuff' to make up the difference.

I think now that your MIL has bought the presents, you need to leave her be and accept them with grace and manners. Next time, don't give her options - just present her with a list of one item. However, if she is anything like my MIL she will still buy more stuff - only unwanted stuff.

I also think you need to be a little careful- you told our dh and now you want to tell your MIL- who says you get to decide? I'd be the same

Could you maybe next time suggest one specific item per child and say that if she would like to give/ spend more then a contribution to the children's savings accounts would be much appreciated?

I would suggest you either give her one thing next birthday or Christmas to buy, or you still send her hte full list, but state could she tell you which thing off the list she will be buying as you would like to forward the rest of the list to your parents/aunts uncles etc, making it clear that she's getting first choice, but these are the present ideas for everyone. You could say you understand she might want to buy more than one, but could she then go off list as this way everyone gets a chance to buy one thing the DCs have asked santa for and you are trying to be fair. Say you thought she would like the list first this year, although you're going to rotate it in the future so she might only be given details of one thing in the future.

(disclaimer, this only works if she's the "nice but overly generous" type, if she's the "being generous to be competitive with other family members" type then this is a bad plan)

Totally agree with giving the baton back to your DH - it's his Mum, why should you with the one worrying about this, and dealing with any fallout and simmering tensions? Get him to sort it out!

My mum does this, she buys so much for them as she's constantly seeing things she thinks they might like as we'll as what they/I think the DCs would like. They are her only Grandchildren at the moment, so she does spend more. I try to rein her in and have more room to object as she's my mum, but I do understand that she truly wants them to have a fantastic time and that everything she does comes from a good place.

I think that, unless your MIL has left nothing for anyone else to give, there's not much you can say to change her mind and it could leave a real tension. It's tricky, but at least this way you know that there won't be a pile of unused toys or tat...good luck, bigmouth

I'm with Bonsoir - let her. And next year just send one idea per child. But you know if they enjoy buying presents for their grandchildren I'm not sure what the problem is.

Unless its putting her in financial difficulties leave it alone.

DH's family gives much more than my family do but would be very offended if you questioned this. They do it out of love and care.

My DD's paternal grandfather does almost nothing for her, but he does like to buy her expensive birthday and Christmas presents and he wants them to be toys. Which is fine by me (she has eg a really gorgeous dolls house and amazing furniture as a result) and we give her things like new sheets and furniture!

DontmindifIdo - I tried the "first dibs on the list technique" with my MIL one year. She still bought almost the whole list and left me to explain to my somewhat disappointed family that there was nothing left on the list for them to buy.

She claims to only want to make the children happy, she spends fucking months of my life agonising about it all, I don't understand why I have to manage the whole sorry event (well I do, it's because DH isn't bothered if my side of the family are disappointed). And she talks to me as though I'm being a controlling bitch.

Then she turns up at the house some time in the middle of Spring, pulls a nasty face and gasps in horror and revulsion at the number of toys my children have - yes it's the crap she's bought for them.

Gahh! - Not sure where that all came from.

One item lists do help keep a lid on the situation. I also encourage her to get them vouchers for things like Build-a-Bear, the cinema, or Claires - and for part of the present to be her taking them out, spending the voucher together and maybe having some lunch. It means the whole experience makes quite a 'big' present, takes her quite a lot of planning, but doesn't lead to nearly so much stuff.

My MIL is a big-spender at Christmas. It was a shock the first year, let me tell you!

Leave her too it. Don't try and compete. I'm not sure whether it will be different by 8 (my eldest is 4) but the younger ones will not mentally price-up the presents and judge accordingly. Also there favourite present could be anything (literally, in my experience) - not necessarily the most expensive.

Don't give her a long list next year, although if she is like my MIL that won't restrict her overly!

thank you for all your replies

I do accept it may be the best option to gracefully accept again this year.

The kids are just a bit too used to their GPs generous gift giving, I probably should unclench. It is all a bit new to me, my GPs were dead or not very nice, the only gifts i recall are an itchy red jumper and a dusty paperweight

MIL is great and loves the kids, she isn't competing with my family, which is huge, scattered round the country and generally skint. Just when they roll up, as they regularly do, with a carfull of gifts and the children go a bit mental... it bothers me a bit.

On balance i will be better just letting it lie. Thank you for letting me vent.

My MIL is like this as well except she never asks what they want. She very much goes for quantity over quality and will spend way too much on mountains of plastic crap the kids neither want or need. I have just had to accept that is how she is.

The only thing I have put my foot down about is her providing presents from "santa". She arrived here one Christmas with 2 santa sacks bulging with stuff that she then proceeded to tell my DCs that santa had delivered to her house early. My DD who is too smart for her own good then proceeded to quiz MIL about when santa had arrived, had MIL seen him etc. MIL caught on the hop gave some stupid answers which resulted in my then 5 y.o. DD asking was Santa real. I was furious (in an inward kind of way :)) and had to have words. But even though I have categorically asked her not to do this she still tries every year. My DH now has to have words with them when he collects them from the train before they get to the house, as she has been known to unleash the santa sacks on the doorstep before she has even got her coat off.

My advice - try and rise above it, and be thankful she isn't like some of the MILs from hell you read about on MN. My MIL is generally ok so I try not to get to upset about the piles of plastic scattered round the house courtesy of her.

I also have a big spending MIL. DS is her only GC and my DH is her only child, therefore I can guarantee the GC status won't change for a while . She spoils DS rotten and at first I worried so much but now I just let it be. It makes her happy, ds is happy, DH is happy and it's no skin off my nose.

I pick other battles instead, this one is insignificant but I have a great relationship with my MIL, I suppose it depends on each situation.

Grandparents are not around for ever, and children are not young forever either. She loves them, they love her, let her spoil them.

Why on earth would you need to buy equivalent value gifts for your children? This is such a big non-issue. And definitely not one for you to deal with, she is his mother. Doesn't sound like your H thinks it is a problem either as he doesn't feel he wants to say anything.

Seriously, say thank you and accept graciously, think of it as saving money, and stop trying to micromanage and control people. I cannot afford to buy my children presents this year and thank God every day that I have such a wonderful family that I know will get them lots of presents, so I don't feel my children will miss out.

If you are serious that you are actually upset by this, say nothing and next time she asks for a list be a little more careful to only give her one item.

Let her enjoy and the children enjoy it, GP's won't be around forever, so let them build lovely memories with them turning up with a packed car!

I do sympathise, my MIL raids the local pound shop and brings sacks and sacks of total unusable crap here e.g packs of underwear that are too small cos they were cheap, frank Sinatra Christmas song CDs etc etc.

I'd rather her spend the 100 quid on something good quality.

Either get DH to have a word which will probably cause a bit of bad feeling anyway, or just accept it gracefully. On the whole there could be worse problems

I am in the same position with my MIL who has the best if intentions, but can't see the issues it causes.

To put it into perspective last year she and FIL had to drive both cars to ours at Xmas because all the presents wouldn't fit in just one

Whilst the generosity is good in its way it totally imbalanced the gifts from myself and DH and my parents. Equally I knew another year like that would mean we would have to move house to fit all the bloody massive toys in!

So I just bit the bullet and this year rang up about arrangements for this year and said whist I understand you want to make the kids happy buying so much sets expectations for them that are not healthy. If you really want to help them cut down the presents and pay the difference into a bank account I'll set up for the kids they can access as adults. They will appreciate this far more in the long term than the latest über toy they will play with for 2 weeks.

She took this really well and has agreed to this approach. However I am still taking no chances and have sent a reasonable Xmas list and said anything else she buys I will return and this will only upset the grandchildren she wants to make happy, so please stick to it . I don't expect 100% compliance but quite frankly if she arrives in one car this year it will be a result !

This happened to us with DD's first Christmas last year. Not only were we living in a tiny one bed flat but we were planning an overseas move and were selling all our stuff.

Despite this MIL bought us a number of huge gadgets like an enormous baby activity station, a rocking horse (for a 4 month old!!) and piles and piles of plastic. I'd already steeled myself for this possibility so just gratefully accepted everything and then charity shopped it when we got home. Most of the stuff was second hand luckily, so I didn't feel too bad!

She just wanted to see DD happy. She's also quite comfortable financially which hasn't always been the case. My DH and his billion siblings didn't get much at Christmas growing up so it doesn't take a genius to work out that she's trying to make up for this with DD.

I have very generous ILs and its great. Felt wrong somehow at first, but they are only being nice. So they get the uber expensive latest craze stuff for them. My parents are v sensible and happy to get more practical presents that don't create a big gasp of excitement but do get enjoyed for much longer like character duvet sets.

Meanwhile DH and I get the children a medium present each, I tend to make them something personalised, and everyone's happy.

Why has he passed the baton to you?

Pass it back and shove it up his arse!

oh, I'll let you deal with that.

erm. No.

Unless he's actually fine with her buying them a few things and thinks that if you don't like it then you should be the one to deal with it. In which case, fair enough