How do I deal sensetively, with overly generous MIL

[bigmouthstrikesagain]

I may have what appears to be a non problem but it is an issue of managing the feelings of my very nice and well intentioned in-laws and my desire not to have ridiculous amounts of gifts this Christmas.

MIL has been calling this week to ask what children want for xmas. They are 4, 6 and 8 and the only gc that the in laws have. Ds1 has given 'santa' a list of lego StarWars sets he wants we have bought a couple, dh emailed links to 3 sets expecting mil to choose one but she has pgurchased 3! OTT as getting equivalent value gifts for the dds will be expensive and excessive. I told dh that one well chosen gift for each gc from his parents was all the children should expect this year.

MIL does spoil the kids and it worries me. Dh has handed the baton to me for desling with this though and i will have to call her. How do i say thanks but no thanks without offending her? They are coming to us for xmas dinner and i want to have a nice day without simmering tensiins under the surface! Help. Please.

DH also passed the entire list to MIL so I sympathise.

We also get "helpful" suggestions from FIL of where to get knockoff tat things for the DCs. When DH responded "oh we have one of those already, Horatia found one at the Nearly New Sale" we got back "He deserves better than Nearly New!" which is still giving me The Rage. Second-hand good things for £10 are always going to be better on all counts than £10 of cheap brand-new. Gah!

Can you go down the "great, you can keep half of this toy mountain,preferably the noisy half some of these at Grandma's for when we visit" route? Worked for us and The Drum.

when i say the girls will get equivalent value gifts i mean the gps will feel duty bound to spend as much on the girls as on ds and lego is stupidly expensive.

Anyway i will let it lie but suggest adding to savings instead of loads of gifts next year. if the inlaws are happy with that. if not I will leave it up to them. Dh and i had agreed on our preference for a less is more approach and he did speak to his num before she bought all the lego. He had a falling out with her over something else last week so i understand him stepping back now.

OP - another way you could deal with it would be to aquire 'difficult parents' - so let it slide this year, but for next birthday/Christmas take MIL to one side and ask her for "help" to deal with them. Say you have a difficult situation, that your parents were really difficult last Christmas and got really stroppy that she'd bought all the gifts on the list so while you could provide them with a perfectly good list of things that your DCs would love (and you know DS has played with their gifts as much as hers), your mum/dad was really upset they couldn't buy something from DS's list to Santa. Lay it on thick that you were really upset by their behaviour and they really offended you/DH and you need her help to 'manage' them this year, because you don't want DH to have to deal with any unpleasantness with his inlaws.

Would she mind, you've agreed that next birthday/Christmas, you'll give them first refusal at the list and you've promised that everyone will only buy one thing each off the list so everyone gets a chance. Say you aren't saying she can only buy one gift, but only one from the list.

Make a big thing about how she's helping you out, how upset you were by your parents and how you're soooo grateful she's so much easier to deal with than your parents - and "oh gosh, I'm so lucky with you as a mother in law, you hear such horror stories! You're always so kind to us and never make a problem, I feel sorry for DH with my mum as a mother in law!"

It might be worth briefing your parents you are going to do this - and it's best for families where it's unlikely your MIL and DM are going to bump into each other...

Erm or don't set your parents and his parents against each other. DH's mum and mine are inclined to be suspicious and jealous of one other, I'd far rather they were on friendly terms, even if it meant I had to have a huge pile of plastic tat (although undoubtedly I will have one of those anyway!)

Inneed I love all the thought put into your suggestion

If I could manage the devious plot in my case it would not work, I am afraid. Mum is a widow on a tiny income. She gets a little present for each of the children, but MIL knows she is not 'competing' on a material level with any of my side of the family. Though my mother and my in laws rarely meet, birthdays are times when they might, so a charade would fall down quickly, i am a truly dreadful actor.

I do think you have a talent for convoluted plotting though Add some scenario's with teens, tantrumming toddlers and someone losing their temper during xmas dinner and there is a family based sitcom xmas special! Outnumbered or My Family!

Inneed I mean Dontmind sorry!