Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

mosman I agree, there's a few good ones out there but they've all been long snapped up.

my DH told me recently that if we had another (second) child I would 'have to give up work' because the childcare fees would basically take up most of my ages. Erm, no ... they would take up part of both our wages and IMO (for me personally) I would rather continue to do the job I enjoy and suffer slight financial hardship for a short while than end up with no job and having to try and find a new one when the kids are in school.

each to their own though. You can't really live your life based on what might happen or what has happened to people you know.

I know a good few men that are indeed lovely and many of my friends dare them, have children with them and very sensibly rely on them for nothing it genuinely seems to work out better that way.

Date them not dare them although maybe they do that too

You really need to go and see a better solicitor if you believe his threats about giving up his job-like hell he will!! were you married to this man? I only ask as you mentioned debt-my mum was left in a similar position after her dp left her. Actually being employed worked against her as she had the money to pay them-surely if you are unemployed then you should tell the debt collectors to go fuck themselves?....

My mum was a sahm for 20 years or so. At the time the house (paid off) was in her name, and my dad would have the car and his job!

There was no reason for her not to trust my dad, it is just how things were, and are done, in my home country:

You make very realistic plans for what would happen in case of divorce, draw that up in a contract, then go and relax and enjoy your marriage and your life.

Those of you who claim the women on this thread are insecure, or are in a sad relationship not to blindly trust their Dh and the future, I would like to ask:

Why does the woman have to do all the trusting? Why not put all assets into sahm name, and then let the DH do the trusting bit?
Well?

Interesting point Chandon.

Perhaps it's because the men don't want to make themselves vulnerable!

I think it's the same old thing, society favours men. It's that simple.

not all men are bastards. Most men are decent, honest, hardworking,
And unlike working Mums, most married stay at home Mum's get a far larger slice of the pie in a divorce.
I've friends who are both sahm's and wohm's and the sahm's were left much better off financially following divorce because they were awarded much larger financial settlements(family home and 60/70% of equity) to reflect the sacrifice they made. The financially independent working Mums- in both cases I know of, the family home was sold and split 50/50 and they're in much smaller houses now, one rented cos she couldn't afford a mortgage on her own despite a large deposit.
Anyone who is married or in a longterm relationship, whether working or not, relies on their partner. And will struggle if that relationship ends. But sahm's do get more in divorce settlements, (if there's anything to have that is!)

Very good point Chandon

We have not even spoken of the risk a sahm takes if she is not married to her partner. For now (for now!) you are right that courts will still award a married sahm a fair share.

....

They don't have to be bastards to be bloody hopeless

yet another sahm bashing thread. Please get the facts right though.
If a woman has children and has worked continually throughout the marriage she is no more likely to be in a better position financially than a woman who has stayed at home with her children. Because the sahm will always get a bigger share of the equity/family home to reflect that. It's not as cut and dried as you pretend, so please get the facts right

Chandon -exactly

If a relationship is filled with trust and mutual respect then conversations about financial arrangements are easy.

When DH and I started discussing my being a sahm for a couple of years he raised things like - lets set up an account for you, let's put x in your name, let's transfer your pension here and top it up while you are not working.

I am no financial genius but why anyone gives up their income and then leaves everything down to trust seems baffling - like not taking out insurance.

I think a relationship that does not encourage pragmatic financial discussions seems far more precarious to me than ones where these matters are out in the open.

The fact that I knew that DH was fierce about the fact that I would not be made financially vulnerable by being a sahm made me more confident in our marriage, not less so.

It's not a sahm bashing thread.

aka that sounds terrible :(
Its hard to advise without knowing your ds or local schools. It certainly sounds like this setting wasn't right for your ds or any child I would go back to the school resist the urge to bang teachers head on a desk and ask for support n finding a more suitable school. Maybe start a thread in education. There are some very knowledgable mums and teachers on MN. Maybe one will know your area.

'2. You will lose all career progression and for those of you who say well my job was rubbish any way. You wouldn't have stayed there would you? You'd have moved on and up and been able to as you had a solid work history and references behind you. '

It's not as simple as that IME. If you factor in discrimination against mothers in the workplace, or, in some cases, performance actually slipping due to exhaustion (can be hard to do an intellectually demanding job when you've been up many times in the night) or time off work with sick children, you often start to see the good references and employability evaporate even if you're still in the workplace. Or, you get bullied at work after having kids, you start to take time off sick with stress as a result - again, no-one else will want to employ you.

I don't think there is an ideal solution. Sometimes the job you once loved and were good at can become unbearable. It's not as simple as 'suck up the childcare costs that are higher than your earnings for a year or two and then everything will be fine.'

and yes, there are loads of 'my cheating bastard' threads in relationships.
Of course there are.
The nature of life is that people speak up loudly when things go tits up and remain quiet and modest about their happiness, overall.
How many women are going to post on an 'I love my husband, he is rather wonderful' forum? None, that's how many. Because nobody likes a smug bastar

It is in no way a SAHM bashing thread. I AM a SAHM.

It isn't about whether your husband is lovely or a cheat or whether you can tell.

It is about protecting yourself and making a rational decision rather than compromising our financial future.

autumn
My DH is the SAHP and the advice to protect yourself financially (as I have done for DH) applies to SAHP of either sex.

Its not bashing the concept of being a SAHP's to say make sure you are financially protected, its common sense.

I am quite irritated by the attempts to make this sahm bashing or about adultery tbh.

I've seen so many of these threads, with a dangerous lack of real facts, presented to women as absolute truths of life. I think we all need to read carefully on the interweb and take it with a large pinch of salt. In reality, as long as they're married, sahm's will get a bigger settlement to reflect their sacrifice and financial situation. To create the impression that working gives you lifelong immunity to financial struggle is wrong.

"if there's anything to have that is!"
well exactly! many SAHMs are in rented properties or have little or no equity to get 60 or 70% of! yet one man supporting one household leaves them confortable enough

what If you get divorced after renting?

If there IS a load of equity and savings and owned properties then there IS a cushion if things go wrong, but I think this thread is more about people in one income relationships who are ticking over as things are financially NOW, but don't have any fall back if that one income vanished tomorrow. That covers all sorts of things, having a second earner, insurance, savings, equity etc etc

its not SAHM bashing at all! isn't it the opposite to say that they SHOULD be getting savings in their own names and pensions in their names etc... and a toe in their industry if possible - that's the opposite of SAHM bashing! SAHM bashing would be saying that SAHMs should be happy with a bit of pocket money and leave the future to the mens