Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

autumnlight this thread is The Real Facts of my life.

I can guarantee you've never seen a thread like this because it's my reality, my life and it's happening to me.

There is NOTHING to get in my situation so your summary of Real Facts are not real for me and many others who have told their story on this thread.

autumn
A bigger settlement of what? If you live in rented accommodation and your DP has run up debts then you might end up with a bigger settlement of diddly squat!

Its not just about what happens if you split, what if your partner dies or becomes too ill to work?

I think is about more than that though, its about fairness and equality about recognising that the partner who stays home has made sacrifices and taking risks for the benefit of the family as a whole. Remember I am the breadwinner and DH is the SAHP - I can see that he has possibly lost opportunities because he has stayed home and that I have directly benefitted in my career because he is at home. He should be financially secure and also financially independent of me, just because I earn the money doesn't mean I get the rights over it.

This thread has really made me think and feel a bit sick.
We have joint property, joint accounts except for those in my name for tax purposes (academic at the moment, but there have been times we've joked about me running off to Barbados).

There is something I'm hoping to re-train in, but any work I get from that will have minimal impact on the expenses for a family with three teenagers, all likely to be at university in the next few years.

My main fear as we get older is lack of illness insurance - for either of us. I see it as just as vital for there to be funds to meet my needs should I fall ill, as for DH - he'd have to give up work in that scenario.

I hope things get better for you, op.

Autumn, that is a valid point and an interestomg, if confusing one. I think ypu are probably right. But that goes for married sahms only, any unmaried sahm would be better off working, I imagine.

As to this being a sahm bashing thread, as a Sahm I am quite sensitive about that and have not felt a sahm bashing vibe at all, think you are wrong there.

In a way it is a sahm empowering thread.

This is not in any way a SAHM bashing thread autumnlights.

I do think people are quite naive about the lengths some men will go to avoid paying money to their ex. Mine, for example, left his high paying consultancy job and set up on his own to avoid payment.

I also have a friend whose doctor ex has gone part time and 'moonlights' to get extra money, without declaring this to the csa.

Another friend whose ex just stopped working (csa will deduct minimal amount from benefits - £5 per week)....

mumnosbest, even with appropriate schooling one parent (sometimes two) will still find it difficult to work around caring duties though, but I assume as a pmld teacher you will have seen this already :(

akaemmafrost, was it the LA who found nothing wrong? Surely a child having his head repeatedly banged off the table is abuse, a child protection issue and should be reported to the police? sn or not. I do not know what you can do reference schooling though, but the lA has a legal obligation to ensure a child with special educational needs is in the correct educational setting - whether it exists in county is another matter though entirely. Have you tried parent partnership or similar for advice? Also, I am suprised Xenia hasn't appeared yet but I would ask her for advice as to whether you can get something in a settlement that will mean maintenance is carried on when your son becomes an adult because as you know you will have to look after him into your old age

X posts with just about everybody else I see!

I didn't read this as a sahm bashing thread either. The same thing happened to my Mum akaemmafrost, she was a carer for a very ill child and my Dad was McTosser of Tossland and she apparently did 'nothing', never worked etc. It was all part of the abuse that carried on after he finally went. Women do need to protect themselves. I do think that Carers are often the most vulnerable to this kind of financial and emotional abuse, though I have no facts to base that on

"I do think people are quite naive about the lengths some men will go to avoid paying money to their ex"

this is a v extreme and rare example and very very few men would go to these lengths but

• in my home town there was a tramp who was an ex millionnaire, he deliberately lost everything before the divorce so "the god digging bitch didn't get any of it". She tried to stop him by getting him declared insane so he couldn't access the money to chuck it away, but he was declared sane

another one

• I lived in a block of flats once where one of the flats went on fire TWICE. The back story? was owned as an investment by a married couple, they were separated, in the divorce she was due to get it (think it might have been hers before they got together and moved in together somewhere else IYKWIM, and she kept it on and rented it out), the "D"H gave the keys out to local piss heads/druggies so it turned into an unsellable squat!

gold digging not god digging

Op, as regards the maintenance: have you tried CAB? They can't give legal advice but might be able to refer you for a free session with a family solicitor, or suggest a good one.
Maybe you've been down the legal route, but I can't imagine the divorce agreement terms are written in blood - circumstances change and the law can allow for this.
A poster called I think Olgaga is very helpful on relationship breakdown matters.

and he literally lived on the streets rather than support her, he used to be a v high earner with a massive house and flashy lifestyle!

I was lucky in that when I split with my first husband, we split the equity 50/50. He got just about everything else but I got the one thing that mattered to me.

After that lucky escape I swore to myself I would never be in the position of financial vulnerability and if DH upped and left tomorrow I would be okay. It would be a financial struggle but not completely disastrous.

I will tell DD that it is important that she retains her financial independence too. I suspect a lot of women do stay in crappy relationships because of the fear of financial hardship, and I don't want her ever to be in that position. She will also need to protect the assets that she takes into any relationship too. Money makes even the nicest of people do very strange things.

I'm a SAHM too and not feeling bashed by this thread. It is a salutary reminder of the importance of keeping a grip on the finances.

Owlady
I remember reading a few years ago that when a couple have a child diagnosed with a serious disability the chances of their marriage/relationship surviving plummets.

I know the most difficult time in our 25 year relationship was post diagnosis. The strain created by DS2s severe difficulties was immense. But disability/illness is another thing people assume only happens to others.

I've been told categorically that if I try to get spousal support, he will quit his job and go self employed on a consultancy basis. His company is based in another part of the world (not Europe). I believe he would do this, he hates me that much. He pays child support and I daren't risk it tbh.

This looks interesting - back later ....

So sorry OP that you have had such a crappy time. I agree that in an ideal world a woman should not give up financial independence but in reality it is sometimes so hard to get it right.

I have 3 DC and have kept working part time but I took redundancy after DS2 and went freelance to keep flexibility but the money comes in such drips and drabs and paying for child care for two pre school kids is such a drain. Sometimes I wish I had had the foresight to start my career in a 'proper' job rather than being a creative (sorry that sounds soooo wanky but not sure how else to describe it!)

Anyway my point is the government should be making far more of an effort to make employers take on more part time or flexible hour workers so it gives women more of an opportunity in the workplace, as it seems once you are out then the chance of getting a good part time job are very very slim.

Pagwatch, it certainly seems the case. At my daughters special schools (she has been to 3) a lot of the Mums are coping on their own. I know of three men who are coping alone as well, so it isn't just Mums

Yes, in my experience P/T workers often don't get a fair deal and aren't treated seriously. Opportunities for P/T often not there either unless they know you well and don't want to lose you.

I feel tempted to advise you to call his bluff, though I won't as I do not know the situation.

But if being a consultant would be so easy to set up....why hasn't he done so already? And if he does, and does not pay and pretends to be poor, is there really no recourse for the sahp? Surely men must claim poverty all the time? Surey he could not claim poverty whilst living the high life???

Chandon, my ex could also work as a consultant. He'd potentially earn a lot more than he currently does as an employee, but it wouldn't be quite as secure and would involve travelling around the country to where the work is (he knows a number of people who work for consultancies and has been invited to join them but hasn't because of having a family to provide for).

I suspect that for someone who only sees his children alternate weekends and once a week now anyway, the prospect of working away but earning a lot more and declaring a lot less would seem more appealing to him than it did when he was a reliable and responsible family man.

Obviously i don't know whether he'd do it or not, but it's an option that he could take now that he could also have taken before but had more incentive not to before.

This is absolutely not a SAHM bashing thread and ayone viewing it as such is probably looking out to be offended. Nor is it scaremongering. It is simply highlighting a huge issue for women. Pretending that SAH isn't risky is both untrue and unfair. Drawing attention to ways in which women can minimise that risk is something we should all do.

This isn't a sahm bashing thread IMO and I am one.
Although I dint see much advice for sahps like me who
A) are very restricted in what hours they can do due to childcare needs and
B) what jobs I could get after 10 years out of the job market....I just applied for a hospital switchboard position 7 hours per week on a Saturday and I got rejected - even though I used to work at that hospital before I had ds2 and have all the relevant experience etc.
It seems to me like my only options are retail or care work...nothing wrong with either but did them years ago as a student and don't really want to do them again!