Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

owllady

Another thing a lot of women don't consider (me included) is the difficulty of securing a mortgage if they have given up full time work in favour of flexible part time work.

I'm self-employed and my earnings are sporadic, it suits our family circumstances right now because I'm there for the school runs and we aren't having to shell out for a full time childcare place.

If dh and I were to split-up I would receive 60% of the equity in our home, enough for a sizeable deposit. However mortgage providers would not touch me with a bargepole, my equity would be more than £16k thereby disqualifying me from receiving housing benefit. I would spend the equity on private renting which would be gone within 2 years leaving me without the security of owning my own home. Dh on the other hand could use his 40% equity share to put down as a decent deposit on a swanky apartment or terraced house and in years to come would have enough money to supplement his pension pot as he pays off his mortgage.

We aren't about to split up but this is something that is at the back of my mind. I think society puts so much pressure on women to be at home or work part time but nobody warns women about the financial implications of giving up work or choosing to work more flexibly.

I think that when couples get married or register their child's birth it should be compulsory to draw up a contract setting out their separation terms, it might focus the mind and get people to consider the impact of working part time or not working at all. After all marriage/parenting is supposed to be a partnership. Romance doesn't last forever.

I agree, Emma. I was left for an O.W. in June, after 15 years with STBXH, in an area we moved to three years ago, far away from family and friends, and with no job. A year before he left me, he went off to work in London at very short notice and with a view that we would join him at some point. So for a whole year, I couldn't apply for jobs, as I didn't know where I'd be living or for how long.

I would have thought I would cheat on him before he'd cheat on me, that's how sure I felt of him. Sadly, I was wrong.

I have been out of work just under two years and my DS is 10, so I am hopeful things will improve over time, but I know how it feels to think things will never get better, and I doubt my situation would feel as bleak if I had been in work. I also think it would have been far easier to work going through emotional turmoil, than go through emotional turmoil, with all of the extra stress of job hunting and the knowledge that the sole responsibility of emergency child care falls to me. Hope that makes sense.

I also married a man who would never cheat. Who has cut out friends who visited strip clubs because he was so disgusted by it. Who has no respect for men he works with who regularly and openly cheat on their wives/partners. He used to say that I'd be more likely to have an affair than him, I'd be more likely to have my head turned or meet someone else. It was the one thing I trusted him over beyond all else...

That was, of course, until he cheated...

Sorry you are having such a shit time aka Emma. I hope you do manage to retrain and find your feet.

What you are saying needs to be reiterated and reiterated, so that women understand what they are giving up when they take long periods out of work to be a SAHM (and what their partners, even the lovely lovely ones are asking them to do).

The idea that you can easily get back into work after 5-10 years break is a myth.

cremeegg I now find myself in a very similar position.

Sorry not read all of the thread however, I have seen this happen OP which is why despite my (D)P wanting me to give up work to look after my DS I refused.

I wanted to be secure in the knowledge that I could look after myself and my DS. That I had my own pension. That I wouldn't get stuck in the benefits trap until too old to get a job.

I am still maazed at the number of women who give up their careers for men when a lot of them do fuck off at the first sign of someone not so stressed/moany about home life. Someone that bit more fun and free than the person that had THEIR children.

Needless to say mine fucked off leaving me to pay my mortgage of £900ish on my own and not wanting to see his DS.

However, I am more fortunate than you OP and I am sorry you are going through this. Your ex is an arse. I do hope life gets less bleak for you.

I know FolkGirl, my Father was always 'disgusted' by other men that cheat, always took the moral high ground. Adultery was his middle name

Apparently, it's quite common Owl! Who knew?! (not me that's for sure).

Sorry to hear that, Folkgirl :(.

Emma, I just wish I could say something that might make you feel better. I think you are doing an amazing job with your DC, from reading your other threads, and if anyone deserves a bit of good fortune, it's you. If even one peson reading this thread thinks about how to make better provision for their future, that's thanks to you.

"we all weigh up the risks and benefits based on our own personal circumstances"

that's exactly what OP is saying though - do we actually weigh all the risks and take appropriate steps to minimise them, before we take such decisions? According to this thread and many, many others in Relationships, this is generally not the case. Because my DH would never..and nothing could ever happen to him...and well surely I can simply get a job after 10 year gap on CV. All a bit optimistic statements.

I think this is one of the most important threads I have read on MN.

I know one thing for sure I will in-still in my DS responsibilities and family values. I will also make sure that any woman he has children with have my support and make them aware of the need for financial independence despite how my DS treats them (hopefully he won't be like his father!).

He would get a bloody good whack around the head if he dared to treat anyone like his father has treated me!!

If its not too late for any of the women on this thread, please do go for the best solicitor you can and fight for half of the pension. My mum was awarded half my dad's pension a few months back before they finalised their divorce. It's such a relief to me knowing that she will be well looked after in her old age after all the sacrifices she made to raise her family in the way she thought was best.

It is important for all SAHP to consider these issues and I think this thread is a good wake up call for people.

DS is a SAHD and I am the main earner.
We have life cover so DH and the kids would be financially OK if I die. I have Critical Illness cover so if I am unable to work we would still have a reasonable income. We have a mortgage free property in joint names. We both have savings in our own names as well as some in a joint account. DH is not as financially literate as I am (comes from a developing country where things like Life Assurance are not the norm) so I have put most of the protections in place.

DH is starting his own business but he has a skill (licence to drive double decker buses) which means that he could always find work because bus companies are constantly recruiting in London.

I am not planning for us splitting up, however, my Mum died in her early 50's so I know how things can change. I don't think DH really appreciates how vulnerable his position could be had I not taken these steps.

Just to add my support to OP. Not SAHM bashing (I did it) Not man bashing (I have plenty of friends and relatives with wonderful Hs) BUT...

People change. When I met and married my Ex he was wonderful! How was I to know that as soon as I had DC and became financially dependant upon him he would turn into a controlling bastard and develop a drink problem, defraud the company he worked for and lose his job? He took a self employed position in another country, lost that income through incompetence and wound up at home, drinking himself silly and feeling sorry for himself for nearly two years while I worked full time and spent all the money I'd saved over the years keeping the family going.

It turned out he had never paid his tax bill and so he ended up going bankrupt. He started his own business and I left work to work full time alongside him (I mean, how stupid could I get?) and then, just as the company seemed to be turning the corner to becoming successful, he tried to get me to sign over the whole company (it had been started with me as the shareholder owing to the bankruptcy) Our agreement, as I understood it at the time, had been that I would hand over half, "our" shares when he came out of his bankruptcy, so I had the temerity to consult a solicitor about it. He found out and, "that was that", he left me and, eventually divorced me. He ran the company down (he was the brain behind it, I just used to do all the admin and could never have run the whole thing alone as I didn't have the specialist knowledge, skill or the years experience with all the contacts it brings, in that sector).

Fast forward three years during which I cared for my mother who is now, sadly dead, and moved house and spent nearly two years trying to get a job; I am still financially dependent on Ex and, at 52 with no work experience in the last 8 years other than working with/for Ex and suffering from RA and MN problems, it's looking increasingly likely that that situation won't change. The DCs are all either in FE or sixth form and applying for FE (DD2) so I am looking at having to move in the summer to a much smaller property where it will be impossible to have all three DC to stay at any one time. Despite the fact that we are very close and the DC still want to spend holidays together. It sucks, it really does and if you're young enough and healthy enough to prevent yourself falling into this kind of situation, I would urge you to consider making your own career/earning potential a major priority in your life.

It's also not just about the man running off. The women could decide that she no longer wants to be in the marriage/ relationship but could be faced with a choice of poverty or spending the rest of her days in an unfulfilling relationship.

Woman not women.

OP, thank you for starting this thread. I'm sorry you're having such a shit time. I will probably be starting a family in the next few years, and although I've always said that I want to continue with my career, I've always had in the back of my head this thought: "Hmm, DH earns more than me, he has great prospects and could support us all if I decide I want to be a SAHM..." But actually, that thought really takes our marriage and his work for granted, and ignores the fact that I have good prospects myself if I continue working.

owl and op. Didn't mean to patronise at all. I've been a SN and PMLD teacher for years and wondered if there were specific reasons why ds couldn't go to school. Op you don"t sound like you're getting the support you and ds deserve from your xdh or authorities. That's all I meant.

I actually feel really good that this thread has made some people think. I wish I would have known all this before I gave up work. I said this to my Mum today and she said the usual "well your wage would only just have covered childcare, what's the point?" so I explained the info given often here on MN.

1. The childcare should be paid equally from each parents wage. Not all of you, the mothers wage.

1. You will lose all career progression and for those of you who say well my job was rubbish any way. You wouldn't have stayed there would you? You'd have moved on and up and been able to as you had a solid work history and references behind you.

Eg. My first job was a weekend job in a newsagent and gift shop, obviously that is NOT the job I left to have children. I was a medical secretary, highly experienced and working towards an AMSPAR qual, which meant I would have walked into any medical secretary job. I live in London there is a lot of opportunity here for medical secretaries and in private practice it is extremely well paid.

1. I would have had an NHS pension.

My Mum just said "oh, you're right, I've never thought of it that way". Who does? I certainly didn't.

I am finding the responses on here really interesting in-between reading for my ICMA for the OU, due tomorrow! Really need to get my head down to it actually.

mumnosbest ds simply can't cope in a mainstream environment, he attended an ASD unit attached to a mainstream school for just over a week. He was being restrained daily and coming home with bruises and abrasions all over his face and body from this. The placement ended with a teacher holding him face down on a desk and repeatedly banging his face off it. He was a 8 year old little boy. The investigation found there to be no case to answer. The investigation in which they did not even speak to me or ds. I don't know where we can go from here. There us no other provision, we've tried everything. If you've any experience or ideas you could share with me I'd be very grateful .

This has happened to at least 4 of my friends and I have been forced to be the breadwinner after my H decided he didn't want to be "corporate" anymore, so now I'm still doing 100% of the housework, kids etc and have to earn 50% of the household income too.
My advice is don't bloody bother with men at all, then you'll not be disappointed.

Re advice for my daughter, I would advise her to establish a career and try to take time out to be with her babies if/when they arrive. It is possible to do. Financial security is very important as is financial independence but being a carer to young babies while they develop is critically important imo

Agree wholeheartedly with this.