Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Given how many threads crop up in Relationships of husbands cheating on their wives and leaving after ~20y of marriage, I think your warning is apt, Emma - and agree that there are other ways to lose your husband than splitting up of course! I made DH get life insurance because he was driving around so much, after Trinity's DH was killed in a car accident. Doesn't mean I'm hoping to cash in, just that things can change in the blink of an eye and preparation for that possibility is sensible!

I am a SAHM but I have back-up as well; in a few years I will be mortgage free on a house that is in another country and in my name solely. I can't imagine now that DH would even attempt to take that off me; especially as he also has a large amount of money in a fund from the sale of a house he made a few years back, before we got married. I think they'd cancel each other out.

I also have the ability to return to my self-employment job whenever I'm ready - would have been next year if I hadn't just had DS2, now I'll wait a little longer but it's not something that will become obsolete/dated, I can pick it up whenever I want to.

We have at least made provision should anything happen to either of us, house would be paid off and we'd get a lump sum (which isn't huge but would see me/him and DC through a few years)......I can't imagine him ever cheating on me but there is more than one way for a relationship to disintegrate and I'd be fucked

My DH and I also have a contingency plan if things go wrong. And I'll never stop working, because this exact thing happened to my DM(before she met my DF) and it was drilled into me and my sister that under no circumstance should we ever be financially dependent on a partner. She made sure we both understood finances before we ever went to university and it's been a good thing for both of us.

I was a sahm for 11 years and then got divorced. In our settlement it turned out that I got far more support than if I'd worked. I got the main family home, spousal maintenance, child maintenance, school fees, plus a lump sum including a share of his pension. The law recognised my sacrifice for the family and the support I'd given to exH in helping with his career, and that it meant I had less earning power.
I'm glad I had the time I did with the dc when they were young, especially since they're at boarding school/university now (with exH paying full fees). ExH has life assurance and critical illness insurance, which was always in place through the marriage too, and we had enough savings to cope pretty well with redundancy. It surprises me how few families consider this as an essential.

I always kept up some activity when I was a sahm - mostly studying and voluntary work. So I've been able to re-enter the job market fairly easily despite years outside the job market, and the maintenance kept us going while I re-trained to do a PhD. All the jobs I've had since returning have been through contacts - personal friends or through relatives (I've never written a CV or filled out an application form since I got married), so I haven't had to deal with a lot of the prejudice employers have about sahms.

cause everyone who gets cheated on/left knew it would happen???

Of course not, baublesandbaileys but this thread is treading on thin ice generalising that every SAHM is going to cheated on & left in the lurch. I trust my dh implicitly & have no reason (right now, at the 19yr point) to suspect he would cheat on me. If he does, well we will tackle that if it happens.

For the time being I will be at home with my children. My youngest starts school soon, at which point we will discuss our financial situation & I will probably look for work.

It is very damaging to assume & generalise that all men will cheat just because some do.

OPs point is about making yourself financially independent in case of divorce. I don't think it's suggesting that everyone will get cheated on and left in the lurch? It's a personal account of a bad life choice.

However what are the statistics for divorce nowadays...

The were 3 children who's parents were married in my DD's class (selective very naice school) when we were uni hunting. I think marking down all those families as careless, made poor life choices, didn't commit to marriage or any other excuse to minimise the horrible idea that divorce happens... Is a tiny bit defensive.

If you feel financially secure in your marriage that's great. If you feel financially secure even if DH is absent from the scene/unable to work that's far better. You don't have to question how strong you think your marriage is. It's not a sign of a marital flaw to consider this issue. (no more than arranging car insurance is a sign you are a bad driver) It's only advice and advice I'd give my DDs.

It is very damaging to assume & generalise that all men will cheat just because some do.. I have to ask if you are so secure why is it very damaging

It's probably far more damaging to leave yourself vulnerable to life's twists and turns. Considering what if cant be that damaging surely?

I will be advising my daughter to never be financially dependent on a partner. My dh who has always adored me has had a complete breakdown over the past few years to the point where he had to quit work and return to his home country. . If I hadn't been working then my children would have lost their home and stability as well as their father. He's back now and seems much better but I will always work to ensure that no matter what happens with him, the kids and I will be secure.

OP, I am really sorry for the shitty situation your ex has left you in and wish you good luck for the future.

I haven't read the whole thread so sorry if this point has already been made. I don't see why your current situation is significantly affected by your choice to be a SAHM? Surely even if you'd been a WOHM when your DC were small, you'd have given up your job by now if your DS can't go to school and you are responsible for his education? OK you'd have had more recent experience in the workplace, but you still wouldn't be in a position where you could look for a job?

I suppose I am talking about the 8 years of misery and being financially abused that went before also when ds WAS in school. Of being financially dependant on someone who didn't want you to be. Also had I not given up my job different choices would have been made, perhaps care of dc would have been shared more equally. Perhaps my ex wouldn't have looked down on me so completely, read SGB's posts. In any case way I'd still have 10 years current experience under my belt even if I did have to give up my job now, i would have a pension, feel more relevant, not be so cut off from everything.

I don't read this as aka saying men are awful, don't trust them, rather - make sure you can take care of yourself and your DC should the worst happen.

As others have pointed out the 'worst' doesn't necessarily mean your husband/partner leaving you, it could be redundancy/illness/accident.

My mother dinned into me that you should be financially independent and I think she's absolutely right. I shudder to think what would have happened if I'd been a SAHM and reliant on my ex for money.

I agree with every word you have said OP. I never had a career and when I got married and had babies I followed my husband round the country when he got new positions in his work. I would do abit of bar work or shop work to supplement our income.

When we divorced I went onto benefits for a few months then got a part time job. I met DP shortly after and became pregnant again. When DC3 was born I went back to work in Asda, working evenings and weekends. After about 3 years DP walked out on me and I was about to become the one thing I never wanted to be - a single mother on benefits. I couldnt work evenings anymore as he used to do the childcare whilst I worked.

DP and I got back together (he was gone for about a week) and it gave me the kick up the arse I needed. I went back to college to train for another profession (whilst still working at Asda) then as soon as I qualified I went back into full time work. It was hard going as my youngest DC was in full time nursery care.

Now fast forward 10 years, we both work for the same company, we are paid well and I am in the pension scheme. Even if DP walked out on me again I would survive financially as I can afford to. Even if I was made redundant I would look for another job asap.

I am due to have DC4 next month and there is no way on earth i would quit work to be a SAHM, (nothing wrong with people who choose that, but I wouldnt want to be out of the work place for years as I know how hard it is to get back into paid work), I will keep working and paying into my pension. It also means I dont have to ask DP for money and I dont have to put up with any of his shit like I did before when he was the main wage earner.

Any advice I give to young girls I know or in the work place is always the same - never ever be financially dependent on someone else, if you take time off to have kids then try to get back in to work or keep your skills current so if the worst does happen you can try and get back in to work asap.

Quite depressing really.

By the way SGB is right in saying that abuse can escalate considerably or even start when a woman is pregnant (did in my case). This is because the abuser knows that he had you where he wants you - ie dependent on him.

Put financial dependence into the mix and it gets a whole lot worse.

Just another warning - don't rely on critical illness cover. It is well known that the insurance companies will do anything to weasel out of paying. My Mum had a series of what were probably mini-strokes. She was in hospital for a few weeks and had to give up work because of the lasting damage she has. Trouble is that because the doctors didn't have a definite diagnosis the insurance company wouldn't pay out. And her story is not uncommon. They won't pay for certain cancers, or until the cancer is at a certain stage. The list of things they will pay out for is tiny and they will fight it as much as they can.

akaemmafrost :( I am really sorry your ex is being such a wanker.

I have a daughter with severe disabilities and I like you, are her main carer. In a way a lot of the same choice for other women doesn't apply because that child needs you significantly more than a child who is neuro typical (or well if they are chronically ill) Me and my husband up until recently have both worked around her needs and issues but the withdrawal of respite to a massive degree has left us at crisis point and I have had to give up my job. I think there are two issues here and I think one of the main issues is why are carers not supported enough to work? Local authorities are legally obliged to support carers in work in the carers act, why and how do they get away with not doing this?

Your life isn't over though :( but I can really understand how bleak things must look. I am in a happy marriage at the moment and I still worry for the future because of my daughter.

Interesting thread.
I am a sahm and have been for a decade now. My ds2 starts school next year. And ds1 will be stair middle school.
I am trying to get back into the workplace (I do voluntary work but emplyer seems to consider this worthwhile sadly) and its getting pretty depressing...
I am being turned down for Saturday jobs fgs!
Jobs I could do standing in my head...and all because I have no recent employment history.
Not sure what to do re this situation...retrain? What as? How will I pay for it?
Dh took in a new role at work which means more foreign travel so that has also affected what sort of jobs I can apply for.

Sorry I see it was cogito who made the point about abuse and pregnancy. Apologies!

I also think Fathers should be held financially responsible for children who will need significant care post 19. There have been changes in policy regarding children who are in further education post 19 so it seems a bit weird that no provision has been made for children who are significantly ill or significantly disabled whose Mothers will always have to care for them, as your case akaemmafrost. Obviously this scenario can be reversed if the Father is the main carer and the Mother the main earner.

"It is very damaging to assume & generalise that all men will cheat just because some do"

I don't think that's the point of the discussion. The point is that financial independence should not be given up lightly by women but thought about long and hard. It's not simply because of the prospect of cheating but a more serious matter of women maintaining control of heir own lives at all stages. Few men give everything up to become reliant upon a woman and we never question why that is.

I agree even in the best relationship you need to consider a contingency plan. Dhs do get ill, grow apart or even die as well as being cheating pigs It's also important for your own self esteem to feel like you're equal and doing simething for you.

op maybe you could get some legal advice. It doesn't sound like xdh is doing all he should. Also why can't ds go to school? There's plenty of SN provision available. Do you want/get any respite?

I get your point OP.

This has hapened to two friends of mine, so maybe not that rare after all.

I am a sahm, but can and do work part time from home ( translator, boring but it is something) and I own a little flat, which is in my name and the rent comes into my account. I would find it hard to be a completely dependent sahm otherwise, and yes, I trust my husband, but shit happens and we do not know what is around the corner.

In your shoes, I would get spousal support from your XH! He says he will quit his job, and never work again? How is he going to lve then? Also, if he DOES quit his job, you would be no worse off, right?

Do not let him hold you over a barrel, fight for what is rightfully yours! he owes you partbof his salary and part of his pension, find yur fighting spirit and go go go!

Husbands can give up on a marriage - but not on their kids - there should be something legally in place (or you need to make it so) that makes him take responsibility for his children - TIME wise as well as financially - if he has the kids half the week - OR IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR CHILDCARE for half the week - then you can work part time at least.

I would be more of a bitch in your situation - make him take responsibility for his kids so you can work.....

Exactly cogito. I posted about MY personal situation, which giving up my job to have children directly contributed to. That's just me. My ex H looked down on me and became abusive almost from the moment I left work. It's the reason he can justify treating me as he does because I am "just a lazy c*nt, that never worked a day in her life!" full time for 16 years with never a break before WE decided I should give up work to be at home with dc. But again this is just MY situation I describe whereas what I am trying to say overall is that life can turn to rat shit in a heart beat for many different reasons.

Fwiw I have a hardworking, faithful father who loves my Mum very much. I have a hardworking faithful BIL who loves his wife very much. I know there are good men, I think people are totally misunderstanding what I am trying to say if they think this is a man bashing/all your husbands will cheat thread.

What I am saying is don't make you and your family vulnerable by putting all your eggs in one basket. I have seen the repercussions of my choice in my own life and many times here on MN.

Also why can't ds go to school? There's plenty of SN provision available. Do you want/get any respite?

mumsnobest, I know you mean well but do you know how patronising that reads? There isn't adequate or appropriate schooling in county for all children with significant and severe disabilities, that is half the problem and respite have you any idea how difficult it is to get, especially now callmedave 'i will look after those parents with children with severe disabilities' got in?

Thanks owlady I was trying to word a response but you did it perfectly for me .