Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

[Tryharder]

BIGUSBUMUS, of course the OP's DH should provide for the OP financially. She should be entitled to the marital home and to a proportion of his salary and pension. Why should she be left unable to work and on benefits while he has a life of Riley? The ease with which some people but usually men can walk away from all their responsibilities beggars belief. Where is his fucking loyalty?

[HippyHappyHoppy]

It is as simple as personal choice, we all weigh up the risks and benefits based on our own personal circumstances and make the best judgement call we can.

My best friend from high school and I had DC at the same time. Her parents divorced when we were in primary school and her dad went back to his native country, leaving her mum unable to get a penny out of him. For her, keeping her financial independence is all important and she works FT in a stressful job which has a negative effect on her marriage. If anything, them both working FT stressful jobs increases the chances that they will split and she will be left with the DC on her own, it is already on the cards. But, she feels safe in the knowledge that she can manage the bills with or without her DH and that is important to her.

On the flipside, I am a SAHM and she thinks I'm mad. But my mum was dead of a hereditary disease by 35, that gives me only a few years before I outlive her.
Whilst my friends focus is financial independence, mine is quality family time because god knows when it will be snatched away.
Being a SAHM gives us a relaxed homelife, DH doesn't need to balance work and childcare pick-ups, I don't have to tread the fine line of work-family balance, though we would be better off financially if I was working so there are sacrifices.

We both have made the right decision for us, its just that those decisions aren't the same.

[AdoraJingleBells]

So sorry you're in this shit position OP

I'm also one who gave up work, to follow OH across the globe as well as have DCs. I'm 44, and when I was growing up not many women worked, at least not in good jobs with real earning power. I left school at 16 with a few crap CSE's and haven't worked for 12 years. I am already impressing on my DDs how hugely important it is to be financially independant, even though I trust my OH and haven't had a reason to think he might leave. But you never know what will happen in the future.

[GoldPlatedNineDoors]

OP has a valid point. Many women leave themselves financially vulnerable when they decide to SAH. I work some erratic and long shifts, however I do it as I know should DH leave me, I can still keep a roof over mine and dds heads.

I don't for one second think he will, but accept it is a possibility and that pretty much noone knows they are going to be cheated on.

[baublesandbaileys]

"If he pays maintenance for his kids, why should he pay for you? I never understand that. You're not his child"

sometimes couples make informal agreements, like that the woman will support the man builiding up his buisness with the long term plan of him supporting her back once it's established.. then he gets his buisness up and running, leaves, and she never gets her thing supported in return IYKWIM. I think it would be fair for her to get some of the benefits of his sucxess which she contributed to and which was agreed

[SizzleSazz]

ifsoTue 27-Nov-12 21:55:39

'insecure times, insecure thinking, insecurity everywhere it seems. madness.'

It's not madness for those families who don't have family incomes in excess of £100k

[whiteandyelloworchid]

i feel sorry for you op, but it won't help to go round telling other people what they should do

[AnyFuckingDude]

I don't think aka was telling anyone what to do, but she was hoping that someone might learn from her experiences I guess

[akaemmafrost]

Thanks AFD. Not telling anyone what to do. Describing my own experience after a particularly brutal run in with my care free ex.

[nailak]

"its really not as easy as doing a bit of studying and volunteering, then you'll be fine, lots of graduates who are doing lots of unpaid work are finding that even with all that it's taking a year or two to move onto being paid, and then its often at a very low starting wage! "

my experience is through voluntary activities which I would have not expected paid positions through, such as maternity committees etc I have been offered temporary paid employment, in region of £10 an hour, and other activities such as organising community events have demonstrated to me how I could make a business out of such things, so I wouldnt knock this kind of work. Others have found jobs as breast feeding councillors etc after volunteering, I know one mum who rang the number for teaching kids to read in schools, ended up doing a volunteering qualification which led to paid employment for her in security etc. I am not sying it is easy. I am saying it is possible.

[AnyFuckingDude]

There is currently an absolutely awful example in "chat" of someone getting scammed by someone she thought loved her

[AnyFuckingDude]

Sorry, it's in Relationships, not chat

[takataka]

my financial security enabled me to leave a marriage that was killing me.
I really don't know if I would still be here if I was financially dependant on my husband

OP i really feel for you. Its a cliche I know, but you really dont know what is round the corner. Have you spoken to Gingerbread and SPAN? I know they can help get you back into an employable state....

[namechangecity]

"Between this thread and the thread on MN earlier today about money and whether you share fully with your DH, I am suddenly feeling very exposed. "

Can someone please link to the earlier thread today? Thanks.

[SparkyDuchess]

I didn't see aka as telling people what to do, more as sharing her experience as a warning of how things can change.

I have never been wholly financially dependent on DH despite a very happy 20 year marriage, because it's always mattered to me that I stay with DH because I want to, not because I have to - I'm unusual amongst my friends in that I've never felt trapped because of finances.

My lovely DH has cancer at the ripe old age of 52. No idea what the next year will bring - I'm as sure as I can be that i won't be worrying about paying bills if the worst happens, and it means that DH doesn't have to worry about how DS and I will feed ourselves if he's no longer here.

[AnyFuckingDude]

Sorry to hear that, Sparky

[SparkyDuchess]

Thanks, AF, It is what it is. It sucks, but we might get lucky. I love that DH doesn't have to fret about the boy and I coping financially if it doesn't come good - I'm well able to look after us. It's just another reason why I think all women should retain some sort of earning power if at all possible - you really don't know what's coming.

Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to take your thread off at a tangent - I know it's sort of relevant but not really.

[SparkyDuchess]

Oh, and what's with the 'dude' thing - related to TSC presumably, where do I sign up?

[AnyFuckingDude]

have pm'ed you, sparky

[rotavirusrita]

sorry I havent read the whole thread becaue m falling asleep but i was really touched by the sadness in your OP.

It touched a nerve for me. My Mum quit work in her early 20's to be a SAHM. at 40 she was divorced on benefits and working cleaning jobs to pay bills ( despite being bright and articulate). my dad turned out to be a twat.

My mums mum afetr seeing what happened to her daughter instilled in us financial indepence. My Gran is a really strong woman....... she was widowed in her 40's , and feels the family would have been destitute had she not "kept her hand in" in nursing when her family were small.

Women should remember that even if they dont marry someone who is a waste of space things like sudden deaths/ redundancy/ illlness can happen and if you can you should preserve some financial independence

[CabbageLeaves]

Horrible situation emma :(. Your advice is good but not everyone will feel it fits their situation.

I did maintain my career throughout children.... Bloody hard work. Worth it now though because I have an ex like yours. Won't pay and will make himself deliberately unemployed if I chase him (has done)

It's all very well saying HMRC etc to chase down his affairs... CSA are not interested...just more work for them. Society needs to take a harder look at how it makes both parents culpable for bringing up their children.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Think you're quite right to post your warning OP because it's well-known that Domestic Abuse (emotional, financial, violent, verbal, sexual) most commonly begins after the arrival of the first child. If a woman has made herself financially dependent at precisely the same time then any relationship problems are compounded. It is unfortunately not rare at all for women to end up trapped in a miserable relationship with options limited due to lack of finances. Marriage fails 1 in 3 times and at least offers a little protection, division of assets etc but those in the unrecorded number of informal partnerships that break down each year have nothing at all.

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

I was just about to Gibson chat posting about sudden fears I have relating to this whole issue. My DC are 4 and 1, still happily married but as you all say you don't know what's round the corner. My industry is very badly paid anyway and now that we've moved to the USA and my visa doesn't allow me to work at all, I'm suddenly even more aware of my very vulnerable position - probably because before now I'd always had something coming in that was mine, and now I have nothing at all.

So sorry for you OP, and really fucking kicking myself for not making myself financially independent even though there is nothing sinister on the knowable horizon

[SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR]

Don't forget that women are still massively socialised to believe in 'love' and 'The One' as the focus for their lives. We're given the idea that finding The Man will make everything fall into place, and we are generally encouraged to overlook dodgy behaviour in a man and to 'love him better'.

Yes, of course there are nice men who make excellent husbands and fathers, so there's no need to work yourselves up into a frenzy of 'Waa, bawww, Not My Nigel.' Because Your Nigel might not leave you but he could drop dead, or be made redundant and be unable to find another job.

[caramelwaffle]

Absolutely SG