Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

I do think a lot more women should consider their financial futures if they choose to stay at home, work part time or do voluntary work. Of course in an ideal world, all marriages & partnerships would stay happy and last a lifetime, but for those that don't the consequences can be very harsh, as has been demonstrated by this thread.

really interesting discussion emma and one of the reasons I keep working FT in my chosen career despite having 2 dc aged 2 & 7 is that I hate the thought of being financially dependant on anyone. There are lots of downsides but working is a big part of who I am and I would hate to lose all that I have built up

That is a lovely post Juggling and I honestly, honestly would love o agree with you.

But I love my husband, am hugely grateful for my Dc and enjoy every moment of my life as a sahm.
None of that is diminished in the slightest by the fact that DH and I sat down and had the conversation about how we could change things to ensure that I felt financially secure.

In fact I remember DH saying things like 'first off, I think we set up an account so that you can make payments into your pension and so you can buy stuff without reference to me' with great affection. The fact that he wanted my security and independence made me very aware of how much he loved me.

You're very lucky Pag - that is all (I have to say in response)

@ Atouchofinsanity

If given the choice of working to bring home £100 a month after childcare and missing my daughter develop, I would rather be with her.

I think this goes to the heart of why men are increasingly averse to getting married.

Suppose you want to do this and are funded to do so by a husband. He would like to do this himself, but can't, because he's the major earner.

If you get a divorce, the fact that he funded you to pursue your inclinations rather than your career will be used against him, exactly as though he had done you an injury. There is never, AFAIK, any suggestion that you should compensate him because as a reult of your quitting work there are now fewer assets to share.

From the point of view of self-preservation / contingency, women should not have children without first being married; and for their part, men should not agree to this.

The result is likely a Mexican standoff.

Otherwise, the woman should proceed, but should hold on to her career and use the income to co-fund childcare; or if the man agrees to marry, he should marry only women worth about 3x what he is. That way, any divorce simply restores the status quo ante.

I agree this is not a rare situation, and I personally need the security of having my own income just incase the worst happens. I'm lucky my job mainly fits into school hours. My DMum got into a similar situation (she gave up work to be SAHM and then carer to her dad). Although it took AGES through legal system she managed to get half of my DDad's work pension when they divorced. (Obvs he wasn't happy...) Is there any chance of pursuing this akaemma?

He would like to do this himself, but can't, because he's the major earner.

That's a hell of a leap.

another thing to remember is that very few of us who get divorced stay single forever. The 'financial disaster' is more of a temporary situation. Amongst my friends who've been divorced, all of them are now in new relationships or remarried. It's always easier to pool resources with another person; being married will always be financially better than being on your own. (but obviously not a reason to get married!) My Mother was in her late forties when my Dad died and is in her late seventies now. She never remarried. She's coped fine though, over the years. She returned to work when we were old enough to look after ourselves after school and we managed.
Not well off. But fine. It's certainly not all doom and gloom.

being married will always be financially better than being on your own.

Really?

What if you're married to a parasite?

I'm talking about most healthy marriages where both partners contribute either through working or being at home with the children. Obviously I'm not talking about dysfunctional relationships where one half of the partnership is spending irresponsibly,gambling, taking drugs, visiting prostitutes etc.

In that case yes, but one wonders how many of those there are.

It seems a bit like saying the best nightclubs are like Club Tropicana, where drinks are free.

how many of what? Good relationships?
Hardly any on the Relationship board of Mumsnet.
Plenty in the real world.
Most men are decent, hardworking and care about their kids.
Same with most women.

I'm sorry for your situation. But I won't give up SAH, it is the best time of my life thus far. However I am doing an OU degree and plan to volunteer asap that all my DC are in school in case I want and need to work. When the 5 DC are grown I expect I will want to. I know my DH could leave and it is a risk but it is for dual income couples who rely on both wages to pay the mortgage etc. Few people are totally independant. I want to be able to put DC first and for me that means one of us at home. Yes my career was shelved and I would have to start again but that is OK if I need to I will start again. We all may do different with the benefit of hindsight but maybe some people who worked may regret not staying home? All we can do is the best decision at the time which for me is SAH.

50% of marriages end in divorce; cohabitation is even less stable; and many of those who persist with either are probably economically or emotionally imprisoned, i.e. they'd leave if they could, but feel they can't.

The typical marriage, therefore, is unhappy. Just like the typical nightclub charges you for drinks. And you cannot suntan.

No, it's 25% of marriages end in divorce in UK, but you still never think it's going to be you.

Jesus Christ Apocalypto, your user name is very appropriate!

we're all doomed, doomed I tell you. Don't get married. Hell, don't get out of bed.

I've been following this thread quite well, but suntan Apocalypto ?

'I've had just about everything going wrong in my life at different times and you learn to just focus on what really matters, your children and sod everything else.'

I feel the same fairylea. My DC didn't come along easily-I lost 4, 2 of whom were stillborn. The ones I have involved multiple interventions, almost losing them etc etc. This changed everything, I could never have left my youngest even if I needed or wanted to. It's hard to describe unless you have been through it. My DC are all that matter to me now. However some people's jobs are very important to them too so everybody is different. Maybe some day will be time to get a career but I have no need or want to now.

'I also don't believe it's impossible to return to the job market once you've been a sahm ...'

Again I agree with you. At some point everyone starts with no experience. If you are a bit older you may face more ageism etc but on the other hand may be more appealing because of maturity or life experience and the fact you have had your family and won't be off anytime soon on mat leave (this shouldn't happen but it does).

My mother was a SAHM for about 10 years and went back when we got older. She worked her way up to a managerial position from the bottom. MIL also did the same.

autumnlights I am over 40 just, no job, no childcare and a child with significant SN I don't think I will be meeting anyone any time soon.

Your posts all seem to be trying to PROVE that the majority of marriages and relationships will stick and are happy and this just isn't the case. Many break up and many that don't are unhappy and in mine and many others cases its the woman that ends up at the sharp end. This may not be your reality but it's mine. I'm sorry but I think much of what you've said on this thread is just plain wrong.

What would YOU do in my situation? What would you have done to ensure that I didn't end up like this if you were me? You keep saying "yes but most situations aren't like this" but not really acknowledging what to do about the ones that are.

Most people here are not actually saying that you mustn't ever be a SAHM. Only that if you do give up your career, think about the future and what you can do for financial security - don't hide your head in the sand saying that "oh this will never happen to me" or "oh then I'll just...", when other people's experience has shown that this is not so simple and easy.

I'm not trying to 'prove' anything. I'm trying to redress the balance. Seriously, if you just want lots of sympathetic replies saying 'yes, you're fucked, your life is now over' then you might be in the right place for that. I've lived at the sharp end of this situation albeit through the eyes of a child not a wife. So I find it hard to believe that in a first world country like the UK, we don't all have the ability and means to change our lives. No situation is static. I can guarantee you 100% that in 10 years time you'll be happier than you are today. Happiness isn't measured just in pounds sterling.

Hi Emma - I think it's just that this has turned into such a thought-provoking thread that everyone is thinking about their own situations and how all these issues apply in their own lives.

In your situation I honestly probably wouldn't have done anything different. Even with hindsight I'm not sure I would have been able to sustain a career through raising three DC's, one with SN.

Only advice I'd give would be that things may well not be as bleak as they feel to you ATM. You are still reeling from bad treatment from H. I would consider having some counseling to get a really good perspective on things, and consider how best to move forward from here. I'm not saying your perspective is completely wrong mind you, and it's been very thought-provoking that you've shared it with us here. But, like some have said here, in any situation there are always options. HTH.