Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

I agree. And I haven't read anything to suggest that anyone thinks protecting oneself financially is a negative thing. That would be ridiculous!

Do you have insurance? Household insurance in case your home burns down? Car insurance in case you have an accident? Life insurance in case you or your DP/H dies so your family is provided for? That's what this is about. Maintaining skills and current experience that keep you employable, keeping savings, investing in a personal pension etc in case something happens. That something might be divorce but might also be the long term illness/death/unemployment of the sole wage earner.

To me it's a bit like thinking you COULD be run over by a bus... yeah it's a risk, and it might happen, but it might not. So you could spend your life always indoors just in case or you could live your life doing what you like and just hoping you're in the majority and that you'll be ok.

I'm not naive .. I've been married twice and always used to be a business woman but in my second marriage I've opted to be a sahm because when I'm on my death bed I want to look back and think of all the time I enjoyed with my children as opposed to financial security. I will always find a way to cope one way or another but you can't buy time back.

No , sorry misunderstanding (probably my fault)

I mean the signals push mothers into being SAHPs more than they push fathers.

I'm sure you are right - there are more women at work than at home, but there are also more mothers at home than fathers, IYSWIM.

So any measures to make being a SAHP more valuable than working will tend to make it harder for the lower earning partner (who is most often the woman for many reasons) to make work pay.

Say for example there was a £100/wk for any SAHP - this would mean women not only saying as they do now "there is no point me working because after I've paid for childcare I take home too little" but "there is no point me working because after I've paid for childcare and accounted for the lost benefit I take home to little" - I.e. it would add to the "cost of working" for the lower earner.

You could be run over by a bus, but according to Autumn you have a 33% chance of being run over by this particular bus.

No-one's saying work full time if you want to be a SAHM. What they are saying is eg 12 hours a week of work keeps your work history current. That could be eg volunteering your skills as an accountant to a small, local charity or just working in a charity shop!

Well then I'll wear a hard hat :)

Seriously though life is too short to worry about everything before it's happened.

I've had just about everything going wrong in my life at different times and you learn to just focus on what really matters, your children and sod everything else.

I also don't believe it's impossible to return to the job market once you've been a sahm ... I think it's a lot to do with how you angle your skills on your cv (I worked in recruitment and wrote cvs for people returning to work and was often successful for them just by changing their cv wording). My mum has returned to work this year at the grand old age of 64 after being unemployed for 20 years.

Fairylea

Well yes. But you could always try and use a safe crossing and take out health insurance or critical injury cover.

It's not one or the other. I am a sahm. I am also financially protected. I manage to have fun with my children and still pay attention to financial matters.
I wouldn't want to be on my death bed wondering why the fuck I didn't sort my finances out.

Yes - ex like to message me to "earn my own money" and "stop expecting me to fund your lifestyle" but doesn't pause to think who would look after DD if I just got myself a job. I can survive on my savings but we don't have a luxurious lifestyle by any stretch. He text me repeatedly on a Sat night once, and when I responded claimed he knew I must be single to be able to send messages at 10pm on Sat. No awareness of the fact we have a child and I have to be at home regardless of my status. Showed me more about his lifestyle and mindset to be honest.

If given the choice of working to bring home £100 a month after childcare and missing my daughter develop, I would rather be with her. They need to ensure women's previous experience isn't wiped clean off her record just by having a few years out of work as if we have a nasty type of amnesia and therefore have to start at the bottom of the pile again.

Pagwatch yes I get your point. But I don't agree with the whole idea that you should effectively plan to manage as a single parent whilst still being happily married.

"Seriously though life is too short to worry about everything before its happened."

But it HAS happened, to me and loads of other people on this thread. I sure wish I had thought a bit more about what could go wrong before it did.

It's not impossible but it's difficult - as you know - to get back to work with a gap in your CV.

Ok. But that's absoloutely not the idea, any more than taking out life insurance is planning to die.

Fairy what harm would it do then?
Do you think your hubby would resent you making sure you and his DC's were financially secure if he died/became too ill to work or left you?

Autumnlights - Fairylea is illustrating exactly the notion I was talking about - that financial planning is somehow reflects negatively upon your relationship.

It's this attitude I was referring to.

To me, it's about planning because you're relying on one wage. Yes, you might get divorced, but there are other possibilities eg illness. It's about the time it would take you to return from earning £0 to earning enough to pay the bills.

Yes Pagwatch. That's it exactly. I adore my DH, he adores me, but I plan because it's a statistical possibility that needs addressing just like any other insurable risk. It's not because I think he'll cheat or I have my eye on the man next door-but-one.

really sorry OP that is so hard. im trying to slowly get back into work slowly (have an interview for part time work next week, and also i am studying) and ive separated from my husband,... i would probably have a case for spousal maintenance as i have health issues. but i darent ask for it. also my dh is studying fulltime, when he finishes he will be in a lot of student debt. even if he gets a job, does he have to pay maintenance towards my child due to his student debts?
it is all so hard when you are going it alone and you depended on someone to be there and support you.

Lots more good stuff from all but I especially like "They need to ensure women's previous experience isn't wiped clean off her record ... as if we have a nasty kind of amnesia and therefore have to start at the bottom of the pile again" Sadly so true for too many of us.

It has happened to me too. My first dh left me with £26k worth of debt and went back to live with his mum for a short while before disappearing after having an affair with an ex he was with before me after finding her on facebook.

I then had to sell our house and pay off the debts. Went on income support for two years during which time my boiler caught fire and was condemned in the middle of winter. Dh was untraceable. No contact no money.

It took me years to pick my life off the floor.
Dds dad wasnt much better and left me with a house about to fall down and loads of debt from his gambling I had no knowledge of.

So I have been there. A couple of times. But I still think you cant base your life choices around what might happen.

If I had I would probably be at least £70k better off now. But it's money. I have my dd and my ds and I'd rather be a sahm and hope I never have to go on income support again and give my dh the benefit of the doubt.

I still don't understand what you are saying Fairylea.
You chose to be a sahm. Great. Me too.
Why is that incompatible with trying to create some financial security?

It's no reflection on your DH!

I'd bet there are charities who would love your expertise for a day a week if you wanted to.

Well that's how you've chosen to react to your experiences. Me? I'd rather prepare for the worst.

Well I think I get something of what Fairy is saying ... I think it's about living with hope and trust

Fair enough pag that some more pragmatic people can think sensibly about financial provision and possibilities at the same time as living hopefully with no probs. I think that's a commendable approach.

But I also think it's commendable, like Fairy, to go into a third relationship with hope and trust, be thankful for your DC's, and put the past behind you

So you get bitten twice by the same dog and still don't wear gloves when petting it the third time.