Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Yet still no practical thoughts or ideas autumnlights? Just wooly, you can change it if you really want to and you'll be happier in 10 years time. Well thanks for that.

I didn't start this thread in expectation of any kind of reply to be honest. I was angry and sad and off loading after a particularly bruising encounter with ex H.

I don't think you're telling it like it is at all I think most of your posts show a lack ability to empathise really or maybe it's just pure desperation to defend you're own choices even in the face of pretty overwhelming evidence that that choice can often create many more problems than it solves.

You're probably right juggling. But I thought things would improve with getting him to leave but it's been 3 years now and things are worse if anything not better. I cannot see a way out and I know that sounds defeatist but even my mother who is incredibly proactive and get on with it acknowledges "well you've a tough row to hoe there Emma" and says quite frankly that she can't see how things can change for me.

Believe I am not a passive person, on studying for the OU, when I'm not ill I run 70 km a week, cycle and swim. I am not sitting round here wringing my hands and feeling sorry for myself.

But hey, I've a secure roof over mine and dc's head, am warm and not hungry and best of all have two fabulous kids. There's a lot worse off than me I do realise that. I just never thought this is how it would turn out. I think about that excited 15 year old whose possibilities were endless and how I looked forward to being grown up and grabbing life by the teeth. You never think its going to turn out like this.

@ ellenjane

Nope, sadly. Not in the UK.

www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-england-and-wales/2010/stb-divorces-2010.html

33% of those who married in 1995 were divorced by 2010.

Strangers take you by the hand,
And welcome you to Wonderland,
And within fifteen years a third of them will have fucked off...

Hmm. Doesn't quite scan.

Add in those who survive past 15 years but divorce within 20, 25 years etc and it's going to be more...about 50%. The forties are the peak age for getting divorced.

Every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and there are a fuck of a lot them about.

Thanks, Apocolypto. So somewhere in between 25% and 50%, but closer to 25 than 50. Things have got worse since I last knew the statistic.

Maybe mothers in their concern for us, and tending to see us still as children, are not always the most able to see our possibilities and options, or envision good ways forward for us on life's path ? Just a thought .... or maybe it's just my DM ?

Having a roof over your head and two fabulous kids is not to be sneezed at - personally I think there's a lot to be said for holding on to a sense of thankfulness. Helps me enormously with perspective, courage, and hope.

I have plenty of empathy. I'm not sat in some gilded tower with my perfect life judging all and sundry. Nobody has a perfect life. I can't tell you what to do either. Nobody can. There are many variables. You're being way too hard on yourself. With 3 children and SN to cope with, you'd have struggled to forge ahead with a career even if you'd chosen against sahm'ing all those years back. You made what you thought was the right decision at the time. That's what we all do. Preventative measures can be useful in many situations, but not all.

I think OP has two children by the way. I think it was me who decided to give her an extra one Sorry about that emma

Well at present there are dozens of applicants for every job going, and in many cases a woman with dependent DC, who needs flexible hours, is going to be at the bottom of the list for getting any of them.

But it is also valid to remember that there are still quite a lot of men who really do see women as appendages, servants, breeding stock. And any woman whose partner or H is very keen for her to stop work and become a SAHM despite the fact that she likes her job and is good at it, should probably run a mile, as men who are very into the idea of a wife at home with the DC usually think this means the wife's role will include looking after and obeying the man.
Abuse often starts in pregancy and early motherhood, because the abusive man now considers he has sufficient power over the woman to stop her escaping.

Yes, my Mum certainly does not fit that description >

Certainly not asking you to tell me what to do AL just trying to find out if you had anything other than defence of your own choices to offer.

pag's experiemce resonates with my own.

I have, over the cpurse of my career(s) had a number of breaks. The last one was to do somehting far more risky than being a SAHM ...so DH and I sat down and decided how best to protect me.

It wasn't difficult. It wasn't rocket science. But it did need doing.

Lol! Defence of my choices? Read through this thread again please. There are countless defences from wohm's as to why they chose to continue working. I'm not sure why that's ok but when I apparently defend the position of the sahm, and suggest that it's not all doom and gloom, that's wrong of me. Silly me. Like I've said before, Mumsnet=Parallel universe.

autumn the only time you've been pulled is when you've been talking shit...like the rubish about the law.

I'm afraid I will not fuck off. This is a hugely important issue and every post that contains utter rubbish about the law will be challenged. You are not a family laWyer and have no expertise in this area. Sorry and all that.

I read that in the voice of Tracey Beaker!

Read it in any voicw you like! It doesn't stop the fact that my posts about the law are correct and yourd are incorrect. Its important that anyone reading this thread understand that. They may draw their own coonclusions as to the tedium of what you post. That as I said before is just my humble opinion.

there's no such thing as 'correct' or 'incorrect' in the law, so much depends on the judge and the jury and a sizeable element of luck and timing. And if you're the hotshot lawyer you're hinting at here, you really ought to know that.

oh dear. anyone?

"Preventative measures can be useful in many situations, but not all."

indeed, waste of money to bother with house insurance as statistically it's not likely my house will burn down as I'm very careful about making sure wiring is OK and appliances are not left on and unattended oh wait, there are other people who use my house who might not be so careful and sometimes there are accidents

Also a waste of money to have life insurance, a bit morbid to think about dying anyway, as statistically I'm not likely to die before my DCs are grown up - and writing a will is just asking for trouble..... I don't expect to die before my dc are fully independent, but I have (relatively expensive) life insurance just in case - it means they will not have to leave the family home for a few years.

If there was a one in three chance anyone's house would burn down, despite all their care and attention, then I think most people would proactively be making sure that they had emergency plans in place. That's all.

It's common sense to make sure you are prepared for an event which is very common!

I hereby declare this thread closed to further postings unless they're written by experts in family law. Lolz.

Did you read the whole thread catsrus, y'know the bit where I mentioned my life insurance, savings and pension?

autumn

When in a hole stop digging. The lawyers on the thread (myself included) have stated that things are not as clear cut legally as you seemed to be suggesting. Further, that in changed economic times with the move from final salary pension schemes to defined contribution schemes and poor annuity rates at the moment past settlements aren't necessarily a guide to how things will be viewed in the future.

You can't bank on a decent divorce settlement based on what someone else was awarded a couple of years ago.

Haven't read whole thread, so forgive me of it's been mentioned but what rights/entitlement do sahm's have who aren't married to dc dad's? Mortgage is in both names........

Sorry for typo errors......bloody phone!