Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

Thank you so much for starting this thread Emma.

Like others, I don't see this thread as anything other than a salutary warning to women that sacrificing their financial independence is an enormous risk. I agree wholeheartedly with Chandon that the reason men-as-a-group don't take similar risks is because they are socialised not to have blind faith that a partner or society will take care of them financially, if the worst happens.

It's absolutely not rare for people and circumstances to change. Relationships are also healthier when both parties know that they are staying together because they actually want the relationship and the other person - not because poverty would strike if they left.

hard not to see it as such when the same old posters come out of the woodwork time after time axes need grinding I guess

Let's not forget that retail and care work are extremely physically demanding jobs too

This isn't SAHM bashing, it's reality. If you rely on the income of your DP/DH and the relationship breaks down you will find it a lot easier to cope financially if you have current work experience and you've been involved with the finances.

There are threads on here every week about people whose exes aren't paying child support or are paying when they feel like it or are paying what they think is a suitable amount and threatening to quit/go off the books if taken to the CSA. There are threads about exes working but declaring much lower income to avois paying child support. And that's child support. Money for their DCs, not spousal support.

There are also threads about women who don't have joint accounts with their DPs/DHs. Threads by women who basically saved up so they could pay 50% of the bills whilst they were on maternity leave because they were expected to keep up their contribution even though their DP/DH earns 3x more than them. Threads where women still get given 'housekeeping'. What do you think would happen if those women split up with those men??? Would they suddenly become generous?

It's bloody difficult to get work in the current economy. Even part time, unskilled jobs have dozens of applicants, and why would they hire someone over 21 when they can hire a 17 or 18 year old and pay them less?

Look at the divorce rate. And the huge % of unmarried couples have an even higher break up rate. It's not 'bashing' to say protect your financial future.

axes on both sides though, autumn

I don't see it as a SAHM-bashing thread either.

In fact, it echoes some of the thoughts I have always had and worried about.

I am on my second marriage- my first was a nightmare, XH forever walking out of jobs/gambling money away/spending freely, with me taking whatever jobs I could to cover the inevitable shortfall (waitressing/cleaning/debt-collecting) so never a chance to build a career. After the divorce I had nothing from XH, so one comfort is that at least I know I've been thee, got the t-shirt and survived.

DH is a lovely man, generous, kind, moral. But I have read too many stories on MN to know that it isn't always the tossers that cheat. I think I know him as well as anyone can know anyone else- but I don't know him inside out. That is an impossibility. And yes, he might not cheat- but he has already been in one life-threatening accident in his life- it could happen again. Or he might be completely turned inside-out by a death, or serious illness.

Like PPs, we have financial cover in place for many eventualities. But I am still without my own source of financial independence, and this concerns me. What if I change my mind about him in years to come? I don't want to stay married to someone I no longer love simply because I'm afraid of being destitute, any more than I would want him to stay with someone who doesn't love him properly.

All I can do, I think, is start to consider some retraining or working from home. I've been out of the workplace for so long (and had no real skills needed in the jobs I did do) that I hardly know where to start- but at least I know that I have to start. That, at least, is an improvement on how I was 20 years ago.

I haven't noticed any axe-grinding - nor the 'same old' posters.
I agree that this is a timely thread and might make a lot of people stop and think.

The easiest way to deal with it is preventatively ie not to end up with a gap of 6 years + in work history. I think it's important for women to remember that, when they are looking at working with small DC, whether it's currently financially worthwhile to work eg 12 hours a week is not the only consideration. They may only break even after childcare, but it's an investment in their financial future. After all, separation is only one possible cause for concern when you rely on one salary. Ill health, disability or death could leave you needing to be the main earner again.

All interesting stuff. I trust my dh but were he to go bananas it would be interesting to know what I - two young kids, long term marriage, I gave up a medium ranking career to be a sahm to look after the kids and support his career - would be entitled to. I also had an inheritance which went straight into joint assets. Hmmm..

tholeon, if you have savings, investments and equity in your property, you'd get a greater share than your dh. You'd stay in family home till kids are 18 and get about 70% of the equity. Not so if you're financially independent.

When my children were young, I guess it wouldn't have been financially viable for me to work and childcare to be taken out of mine and DH's combined earnings

Personally, though, I was happy to take a fiscal hit for a few years to hold onto my career and accept the nursery was taking a substantial chunk of my hard-earned income

then it got even harder when the kids went to school for a few more years, with the stress of covering school holidays every 6 weeks ago (until a blessed before/after school/holiday club opened)

now the kids are in high school etc, it's an awful lot easier, no child care costs to find and I remain in my well-paying job at the level I was before or higher...we all win

I saw it as a necessary sacrifice, and one I would do again to retain my financial independence not simply as an insurance policy against my DH fucking off with a younger model as I have never had many worries on that score (so far)

My inheritance I split 5 ways, for the 3 DC and my stbexH and me. I've ended up with none of it. The DC have kept their shares, and stbexH has had all the savings. I suppose I've had more of the equity in the house in return, but that doesn't feel like real money...

6 weeks or so

I utterly love and adore my DH.

He is my best friend has always been there for me, has never let me down, ever.

He would love me to be a SAHM and take life easier.

And for all the reasons stated above I will NEVER stop working.

I love him dearly but I can't control the future.

DD will be exactly the same as me.

That's the thing Tholeon. It's something people don't want to think about. No-one wants to be wondering, 'If my DP/H fecked off with someone else how would I cope financially.' Or. 'How would we cope if DP/H couldn't work for 18 months.' Or, 'What if they died?' It's like the number of people who haven't sorted out wills, which could cause huge problems - particularly for unmarried couples with DC and those with DC from previous relationships. Who wants to think about something awful happening?

akaemmafrost just wanted to say thanks for this thread and am really sorry at the way events have unfolded in your life. But your experience and this thread has given me a good kick up the backside.

I am currently pg with 1st dc and looking to give up work when the baby comes. I am freelance/self employed and very aware that there is no part-time job to return to (either in freelance or employed capacity because its a 'consultant' type of role that is never available part-time)

I only ever had a vague idea that when our hoped for family of 2 children is complete that I would look into some retraining so I could find part-time work as they grow older, but I have decided I needed to be a bit more proactive now before I leave the workplace. Hence a phonecall today to get the ball rolling, and I will remember this thread and make sure I use the time between now and DC1 being born to try and give myself some better options. (There is a vague chance I could be a 'trainer' in the area I specialise in, and that's what I need to pursue)

You don't automatically get to stay in the family home until the DC are 18 do you?

autumn
You are making things out to be a lot more certain and safer for a SAHP than they may be.
For example will they get 70% of the equity if the property was partly paid for out of assets that their partners brought into the relationship either from the sale of a previously owned property or an inheritance?

Even if you want to be a SAHM, there are things you can do to protect yourself (and the family) against the risks of a single earner household:

• Life Insurance/Critical Illness Protection (and that includes for the SAHP, because the earner, if left behind, will have considerable childcare bills to worry about if the other partner dies)
• Shared savings
• Wills if not married
• Retirement planning that involves both of you (doesn't have to be a pension)

My advice to SAHMs would be to get themselves off to a financial advisor with their partner, and make sure both sides are secure and protected.

me too - DC2 just turned 1, I'm about to turn 30 so I think all this is a bit timely for me. My massive problem is twofold...I work in an industry where most people are woefully underpaid, a lot of peers are STILL working for free or peanuts, subsidising this career choice by temping, bar work etc. And we currently live in the US, my visa is a spousal visa which doesn't allow me to work at all.

So for now I just have to keep my hand in by continuing to work for free when I can (not so easy now we live far away from family and friends who helped out with the childcare), hoping that either it will help when we return home, or that a visa/greencard comes through...

autumn when my friends sold their properties when the children left home, the division was nearer to 50-50 regarding investments and equity, so I'm not sure where you are getting 70% from. Having money tied up in a property that won't be sold for years is of no use in any case when a woman needs money straight away. Not everyone has property or investments. Fewer young couples are now able to buy houses and make investments at a time when the labour market has never been as challenging for people without skills, qualifications and continuous work experience.

Does your visa allow unpaid work Girl? Volunteer work that would fill a gap on your CV, and could be linked with your area of work?

Yes.
You can protect yourself to some extent...
Dh and I both have life cover/critical illness cover.
Dh has a pension.
We have no savings sadly but do have a joint account with about £50 in it :(
I need to sort a pension but its a low priority ATM. Need to re look at it in the new year...

Oh, and we have up to date wills too...

they must have had very shoddy solicitors then Charbon as that is not the norm.