Don't give up work to be a SAHM unless

[akaemmafrost]

You have a HEFTY private income or can work from home.

I gave up work, usual reasons, wages would barely cover childcare, WE wanted kids to be at home with a parent.

Fast forward. I now have two dc, the father of my dc cheated on me, physically, emotionally and financially abused me.

One of my dc has SN and cannot attend school for the moment.

I've been out of work for 10 years now, I have no profession. In 6 years time our child support will stop as will most of our benefits. I will near fifty having not worked at all for 18 years.

My future is shit. Utterly grey and bleak. All I have to look forward to is a state pension. While my ex earns a fortune, travels the world and has new relationships.

This is reality for me. So think long and hard about giving up work to stay at home because no matter how shit your job is it's preferable to my future don't you think?

And it was all decided for me by a man who decided he hated me and didn't want to be married anymore and a child being diagnosed with significant SN.

It's that simple.

I think you might be surprised autumn at how many things are changing regarding division of assets. 50-50 seems to have become much more of a norm in recent years and part of the reason for this is that pension pots have been eroded and are no longer the bargaining chip that they were in exchange for one partner retaining the greater share of equity in a house sale.

autumn
Can you back up your 70% comment? You seem very certain when things are decided on a case by case basis.

I posted earlier along similar lines, I'm only 26 but because of dd's disabilities I have no future prospects. It's so incredibly depressing knowing that I have no way of ever doing anything with my life other than look after my dd, and as much as I love her it is pretty soul destroying.

two years ago, I got married. I had been very happy plodding along with dp, sahm to three kids. Then I woke up and realised I had few rights in that position.

It was thanks to threads like this, that I realised just how vulnerable I was. It's important to remind people/mothers of the implications of their decisions.

It is certainly true that in most straightforward cases, a stay at home mother who isn't working will be awarded more. I've seen this happen three times amongst friends and my husbands friend, who specialises in family law, says that this is the most usual outcome.

Fact is, if you get divorced, you'll be worse off whatever your working status. That's why many people end up better off on benefits. Depressing but true. How many of us married women could pay the mortgage bills and food shop on our own with no help from a partner? Not very many.

Narked only if I"m not taking awy a paid job from an American, it's very restrictive...and of course the trouble with volunteering is how do we pay for the incurred childcare costs?

Somewhere with creche facilities or child friendly? A museum? An education based thing eg children's music group? Or something that requires your DH to look after the DC whilst you work eg a Saturday morning thing? Or some Christian based charity. They like DC .

"I think we all need to read carefully on the interweb and take it with a large pinch of salt. In reality, as long as they're married, sahm's will get a bigger settlement to reflect their sacrifice and financial situation. "

What 'pinch of salt'?... the stats are that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, an unknown number of informal partnerships finish every year, and there are a lot of very unhappy, dependent women in marriages that really ought to come to an end.... only they stick around because they have too much to lose financially.

And 'as long as you're married' is no guarantee of anything. Settlements for wealthier couples can get reduced to nil if exH's opt to drag things out so that it all goes on lawyers' fees or if they hide their assets as others have mentioned. Settlements for average couples are often a few thousand equity in a home or a bit of child support - a long way from the steady income that provides security.

Anything in life has to be treated on the basis of 'hope for the best, expect the worst'.... even marriage.

Autumnlights, you seem to be intent on having an argument nobody started.

Plus you're implying that divorced/separated sahms have it made financially. That may be true in some circles but the reality for many women is very different.

Good post, OP. When you're a SAHM, you're putting your future financial security in the hands of another person, which is kind of infantilizing. You're in the same position as a child in a family who has no control over their financial welfare.

I say that as a SAHM myself but an accidental one. My DH got a good job abroad so I took (kind of) voluntary redundancy in my job and moved with him. I have no visa to work here so am SAHM to DS (1) but it's only been for a year so far. It's not something I ever thought I would do and while my DH is a very good person and very generous, it feels scary to think that our entire financial wellbeing hinges on him.

I'm taking OU-type courses and trying to get into freelance writing and editing to make sure I keep my profile up and build a network of contacts so I can get back into work in the next couple of years, either when I get permanent residency here and can work or through moving back home. It's not a situation I would want to be in long-term. From my experience though, women who make it work and get their careers back are the ones who keep in touch with networks and build new ones while being SAHMs. It's possible to get back into work from what I see but you have to be determined! It must be incredibly hard if you have DC with SN - society just doesn't offer enough support in that situation. Unless you have family who can help, it's impossible.

I said many, I actually mean most.

Since when did having a different opinion translate to 'determined to have an argument?''

It is thanks to threads like these that I stayed in work a few years ago rather than becoming A SAHM. When I had my third child I asked on MN whether I should give up work because it all seemed impossible.
I have found it very difficult to cope with work and babies, but this reminds me why I do it.
Good luck to you emma, there is hope.

Bottom line is this: divorce is expensive for everyone, whether male or female. 2 out of three marriages stay together. It's not all doom and gloom.

It's not just a question of your husband leaving you/ becoming ill/ dying etc. My parents are nearly 40 years married. My mum is likely to survive my dad by 20 years or so, and despite the fact that they live comfortably on his pension now, mum will be reduced to a state pension when he dies, as his pension entitlement will not pass to her. An investment they made to try to compensate for this disappeared through no fault of their own.

I don't think this is an "all doom and gloom" thread though autumn. It is sad, but there is so much positive, practical, realistic advice on here. I already knew most of the arguments for why you should make an effort to remain financially independent if possible, but, for me anyway, the stories* on this thread really bring home the reality of it and genuinely make me feel more ambitious for myself and want to plan even more carefully for my family's future.

*Sorry, 'stories' sounds wrong when it's your real lives we are talking about, but I couldn't think of a better word.

That's somewhat disingenuous, autumn. Anyway, I'm not interested in arguing.

Here's what op is saying, in a nutshell "women should make sure they are financially independent and carefully consider the implications of giving up work to look after their children".

I would confidently challenge anyone who disagrees with that statement to come up some rational arguments as to why.

autumnlights well firstly you said this was a SAHM bashing thread, which it quite categorically isn't. That was denied so you mentioned "usual suspects" etc. Then you argued that married SAHM are always better off anyway on divorce which from the many accounts on this thread is clearly not the case. It seems only a specific few fall into that position, when that was pointed out to you, you didn't acknowledge that where there are few assets the SAHM comes off considerably worse. Just pushed, again your own point. You do seem rather argumentative to me and deliberately misunderstanding the thread. Not discussing at all.

*with some rational arguments, I meant to say.

if someone disagrees with you, they're argumentative are they? Lol!

No, but you're not acknowledging any of the accurate points being made, just determined to be right and pushing your own points that have been shown not to be the general rule that you stated they were. I would call that argumentative, yes.

I've seen so many of these threads, with a dangerous lack of real facts, presented to women as absolute truths of life. I think we all need to read carefully on the interweb and take it with a large pinch of salt. In reality, as long as they're married, sahm's will get a bigger settlement to reflect their sacrifice and financial situation. To create the impression that working gives you lifelong immunity to financial struggle is wrong.

To tell people that being married and not working will ensure they get a bigger slice is also wrong and misses other points. The point is your married SAHP is dependant totally on their spouse. If spouse works hard they win. If when marriage is going tits up the spouse starts drinking/gambling/gives up work etc. ....loses business etc you go down with them. It happens. Bit late in the day to suddenly start looking to rectify it all

TSC and OP all make observations about ex threatening and going bankrupt to avoid CSA. This is exactly what happened to me.

My ex was always going to put the DC first (he told everyone this so he must have meant it). He always worked. We had a long marriage... 22 yrs. I never thought I'd be a single mum... I'd have read threads like this and not related to the OP. My DH was not like them...

On our divorce he paid maintenance for 2 months then stopped. When CSA finally caught up with him he told me he would go bankrupt unless I stopped them pursuing him. I didn't. He did.

Now had I been a SAHM I would have been able to enjoy going bankrupt with him because he had frittered away a huge sum of money and created massive debt. Fortunately I'd maintained a good career...

How many of us married women could pay the mortgage bills and food shop on our own with no help from a partner? Not very many.

I can