What are the secrets of a happy relationship?

[monkeytrousers]

Going through a slump so any tips greatly appreciated!

wish i could babe x but i cant, but didnt want to ignore your message

this is something i have been thinking loads and loads about.
it all depends on what you want out of a relationshiip. do you want a partner shiip? with love and companionship? then im not the person to advise.
but ive recently been thinking about the merits of the oldfashioned relationships, you know the one wher the woman gets married to theman coz he can provide her withthe things she needs. money, material things, social status etc. whilst he marries her for the stuff she can give, kids, social status, money etc. and they both toddle along, without any other expectations of each other. hence are polite and civil to each othr.

I think actually genuinely liking each other is v. important. Also accepting each others faults and still liking them. Maybe if you're a bit fed up a night out with your pals would help? You could get some space and also see the wierdo's that are still out there, maybe you'd see your partner in a new light!

good luck MT.

Thanks Gravity and Anguathewerewolf - we're normally very good but like any relationship we have our dry patches and take each other for granted. It just rises up out of the blue, your having a 'normal' disagreement that suddenly escaletes and things are said that are hard to come back from, you do of course but the period of sulking is internimable.

I've suggested we have monthly 'progress reports' and talj about the good and the bad, as the way it is at the mo the only time we talk about 'us' is when there's a problem.

SSD, weirdo's, I like it!

Understanding and accepting that the balance of power shifts,which is no bad thing as long as it keeps moving back and forth.

Time with each other and talking. Sounds simple but it appears lots of couples don't do it. If either one of us is upset or angry about something we always talk it through properly and explain why we feel that way - usually the other can accept that they contributed to it and it saves build up of angst.

Going out on your own is good too, though not always easy if you have small children. We don't get out together that much but do always eat an evening meal together and spend evenings together (if I'm not working).

It can be hard to forget, with the daily grind and the stress of family life, why you liked each other in the first place.

I find that trust,talking through problems,making time for each other and ignoring the little faults we both have!Have worked well for us, Nearly 10yrs together in July!

politeness to the other person - i,e, saying sorry and thank you for things that they do even if you think it is their "job". thanks for taking the rubbish out, thanks for remembering to bring some milk in, that sort of thing.
trying not to piss the other one off i.e. trying to have consideration for their feelings.
I think making time for sex/intimacy on a regular basis is really important too.
giving the other person space if they need it, not hassling them to meet your needs all the time

I read the start of Women are from Venus and men are from Mars years ago. I think it does have some valid points coz men and women really don't think alike.
Trying to understand one anothers needs, really listening and talking with respect .. finding that happy medium, whatever works. Not just being a fairweather other half, backing each other up when needed, trying not to take each other for granted/small gestures of appreciation ..

i'd say read a few contemporary novels. i just read The Corrections and couldn't believe that dh was so nice afterwards. incredibly stressful read though.

Stay friends, talk, joke, make time for eadch others interests.
DP and I are good friends. When shit hits the fan we can just hnag out together and sort it. Plus neither of us holds grudges of each others mistakes, we do it, talk it over and its gone.
WE do have an old style type of relationship. Solid , he provides and supports, I hold the house and kids together, we pootle along, with fews ups and downs.
the passion/sex has highs and slumps, but our friendship carts us through the worst bits with godo humour.

Lose a few arguments gracefully. The phrase 'Sorry, you we're right and I was wrong' is, if true, surprisingly powerful.

Acknowledge the good shared experiences. It's difficult to put into words, but if we do something together or as a family, we try to reflect afterwards on what was fun, what made us laugh, what we enjoyed about it.

I was lucky. I'm not a particularly funny person, but there is a quirky synergy between DH and I that means I can still, 25 years later, make him laugh so hard he has to spit out his mouthful of Cabernet. I sort of actively look out for things that will make him laugh and save them for when we're alone together.

Communication, empathy, trust and the ability to say sorry and really mean it.

It's important that you're both pulling in the same direction. One of my favourite things is plotting and scheming with my DH, whether it's choosing furniture for our house, talking about where we're going on holiday or planning what we'd like to do when we retire. It gives you a feeling of permanence and stability, and great intimacy.

Very important to make time for one another. My DH and I go out at least once a week on a 'date' even if it's just for a couple of drinks at our local. We need time away from the kids and the TV to talk to each other properly. We often go to bed early for the same reason, watch TV in bed and snuggle up close - it's lovely, and helps the intimacy to be normal and natural.

If problems crop up and they inevitably will, you have to remember that if we all ditched our loved ones the minute they messed up, none of us would have any close relationships at all.

And I think there's no point unless you are trying to build one another, working to help each other acheive what we want in life, together. Giving your partner's dreams as much importance as your own, and he yours.

None of this works if only one of you does it long term although sometimes one partner has to carry the other for a while if they are going through a tough patch.

Being able to thrash out any issues as they arise without leaving them to fester.

Being able to respect their opinion even if it's not what you agree with.
Not needing to always have the last word.
Making up after a fight instead of trying to maintain the "moral high ground" of he-has-to-apologise-before-i'll-talk-to-him-again.
Realising no-one is perfect but that you have chosen to be with this person because you love them warts 'n all.
Remembering why you were originally attracted to them in the first place.
Taking time to appreciate the little things together - doesn't have to be a fancy meal or hugely expensive stuff. A dvd and cheapy bottle of plonk can be just as effective!

Having said that I'm no expert and everyone has slumps. Just talk things through - good luck!

Having the last word, that being 'Yes dear'. That was included in the best man's speech at our wedding reception.

Remember why you are together in the first place. Try explaining to each other what you liked about each other and moments that were key to you in the beginning. You might be really surprised what he remembers. At the same time, talk about the future. What house would you like to live in? Where will you go on holiday one day? What will retirement be like? It all gives a sense of how far you have come together and how far you have left to travel.

Everybody else has covered the fundamentals: talk lots, be honest, laugh hard, say thank-you for and acknowledge the little things and enjoy time away.

someone once defined a good marriage as a "competition in generosity" and i think that sums it up.

lots of kissing and hugging helps.
that sounds trite but if things aren't great or if the sex life has gone down the pan, maintaining that physical intimacy makes a big difference.
being kind to each other-little things like buying a cd of a song he said he likes, or buying his favourite biscuits etc. all small and insignificant but it does work.
everything everyone else has saod too!

separate bathrooms.

give and take
realising that what you're arguing about is probably unimportant in the great scheme of things
body contact (not just sex)
talking and listening

Anorak: Spot on!

sometimes apologising even when you weren't wrong to resolve a fight

saying thank you, even when you don't have too.

being able to disagree but not have a blazing row about minor issues

feeling exactly the same about the big issues; ie kids

backing each other up in front of others; ie MILs

giving each other little treats, a night off now and then, they're fav choc from the shop, night out with friends with no guilt or hassle

NEVER GOING TO SLEEP ON A FIGHT things get worse the longer you leave them, even if it means more screaming before you get it sorted, never let things simmer.

No over-analysing, no sulking and making an effort with your appearance.