Husband constantly swearing at me - what should I do

[Tulipp1]

I have never used a online chat board before, but am at my wits end and dont feel I can talk to anyone I know about this. My husband constantly swears at me, for the smallest things. It normally happens if I ask him to help with something in the house, or pick up his clothes for example. Most of the time he will say F U, F off, he calls me a f*ing psycho, a c*t, a f**ing bitch, all sorts of names. It probably 2 or 3 times a week, but I feel I cannot stop asking him to help and also I think it reasonable for me to get annoyed if he doesn't or leaves his things lying around. He will often swear in front of the children (6, 4, and 1) which I also find really upsetting. I am in tears and ashamed to say I hit him yesterday as it came to a head and this isnt the first time I have done this. He didnt hit me back yesterday but has done before. However, I feel I can only take him talking to me in this way for a certain time, before I too see red. I am struggling to see how we can make our relationship work, but feel that really the writing is on the wall. We are what I see as a middle class family, he is a teacher and I am sure any of our friends would be shocked if they know what our relationship was like. PLEASE can anyone help with some advice on what i should do or how I should deal with this, which doesnt mean going to counselling?

Why do you not want to go to counselling?

It sounds like you both have issues. He has no right to call you those things, but equally you shouldn't be hitting him.

You need to phone Women's Aid and talk to them about it. If he has hit you once, he will hit you again. He has no respect for you, your marriage or your children.

He wouldnt go - I agree I shouldnt have hit him, but the swearing has been going on for so long, I saw red. I know I need to find another way of dealing with this, but I have tried and the name calling doesnt stop.

You are in an abusive situation. Please call Women's Aid for some advice here

He has hit me in response to me hitting him, so I guess I would see womens aid as a step too far. I agree with the respect comment, but my children adore him, and he them, so feel I would be responsible if I tell him to leave

Women's Aid recognises verbal and emotional abuse, as well as physical. Call them, see what they say.

You can't make this relationship work, because you are the only person interested in making it work, and it takes two. I suggest you leave before the children start talking to people the way your husband talks to you, because this will be flagged up as a child protection issue. Every time he abuses you in front of the children, he is emotionally abusing the children.

Ring women's aid on 0808200247

Better still, if you don't want to bothered by all that, I suggest you move immediately to removing your children from their abusive situation.

Children seeing their mother verbally abused, sworn at and demeaned is damaging to them. For them to see you forgive it over and over again is damaging to them. For them to see you two resorting to physical violence is teaching them some terrible lessons.

He is not a good father, he is a very poor father. Good fathers to not name call, swear at and hit the mother of their children

Children often adore people who are abusive, nobody at all is abusive all the time. Hitler was nice to people some times, lots of people adored him.

But the way he treats you will be impacting on them, and it is right for you to stop this happening. As asking him to stop hasn't worked, the only option is to remove him from the equation.

I used to be married to a bloke like your DH. I went to Women's Aid who helped me get him out of the house. Someone pointed out to me that I was teaching my son how to treat women and my dd what to accept from men. You really need to get rid of this heap of crap. The kids may adore him and they will still adore him if you get rid. My children have always seen their dad and love him to bits. Please do not allow this man to treat you like this. Either go for counselling or get rid. You deserve so much better than this. No matter who is hitting who this is a violent situation and children should not be growing up in that. Take care

He is emotionally abusive. Women's aid is completely appropriate.
It's not a popular or a PC view but I'm not at all surprised or shocked when female victims of foul, EA men end up lashing out physically. It's a way of fighting back.

Anyfuckingdude are you anyfucker?

yes, Erik

Thankyou ErikNorseman - yesterday I first lashed out because I was scared. But he then has the upperhand it feels to blame me because I have resorted to physical violence. He says I make him swear and shout (and yesterday he kicked the kitchen door in before I hit him) - because I am going on at him asking him to help - I dont feel I do, I can say something once and he flies off the handle. I so want him to stop swearing and see what damage it causes, but I am not sure it will. I have rung womens aid, but the phone message does seem to indicate more serious issues than the one I am facing. I am so beside myself.....

keep trying WA, they are very busy, but you are as deserving as the next person

what about friends/family...have you talked to them about this ?

No, I am really worried about involving other people. A couple of years ago my sister came to see me and we had a row which had culminated in him shouting and swearing at me, so I told her he did this. She said he shouldn't so it and so did her husband, and noticed he could be moody. But since then I haven't told about any further instances, which have been worse. I sat in my baby room whilst he is reading to the other children and am pretty much a complete mess and thinking of cling a friend, but worried about getting them involved

Why would you be worried about involving someone else ? Do you think he would go for them too ? Do you think he will attack you if he knows you are seeking support ?

You need help, love. Reach out and call someone.

Can I just ask how people's partners respond when they have been picked up on not doing something or asked to help out? Just wondering if there is any credence in my husbands view that I start these awful incidences?

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1353956948&sr=8-1

Read this, it will really help. Lashing out is exactly what he wanted you to do I expect so he can turn it back on you :( x

If I remind my husband about something, or point out that he is not pulling his weight I am not met with swearing and verbal abuse. Not ever, not once.

No bloke is perfect. I might get the occasional eye rolling, or even a "yes alright I've said I'll do it later" but he would never, ever abuse me in front of the dc, nor any other time

he is reacting like this to make you STFU, and not expect what is fair ie. that he does his share

I get a huff, or a sigh, or an eye roll, if he feels I am being unfair or nagging. Normally, if I ask for help, he gets up and helps me. If I say "I'm peeling veg, will you do the dishwasher and then make some gravy?" He will reply "ok" and then he will do what I asked him to do.

Your husband doesn't react like this, I'm guessing. This is not because my boyfriend is special and super and awesome, it's because he's not abusive.

I'm worried in the event that if we carry on, other people will know our business. He wouldn't go for them or attack me, because after such an awful incident he will calm down. We are not tailing currently and I think he will assume it will blow over, but I cannot face another incident again.

The fact that other people don't "know your business" is masking the abuse you are facing, and that of your children. Don't be ashamed, the same is not yours it is his

There is not the stigma around domestic violence that there used to be. Speak up, stop protecting him and protect your children by telling people and getting support.