Husband constantly swearing at me - what should I do

[Tulipp1]

I have never used a online chat board before, but am at my wits end and dont feel I can talk to anyone I know about this. My husband constantly swears at me, for the smallest things. It normally happens if I ask him to help with something in the house, or pick up his clothes for example. Most of the time he will say F U, F off, he calls me a f*ing psycho, a c*t, a f**ing bitch, all sorts of names. It probably 2 or 3 times a week, but I feel I cannot stop asking him to help and also I think it reasonable for me to get annoyed if he doesn't or leaves his things lying around. He will often swear in front of the children (6, 4, and 1) which I also find really upsetting. I am in tears and ashamed to say I hit him yesterday as it came to a head and this isnt the first time I have done this. He didnt hit me back yesterday but has done before. However, I feel I can only take him talking to me in this way for a certain time, before I too see red. I am struggling to see how we can make our relationship work, but feel that really the writing is on the wall. We are what I see as a middle class family, he is a teacher and I am sure any of our friends would be shocked if they know what our relationship was like. PLEASE can anyone help with some advice on what i should do or how I should deal with this, which doesnt mean going to counselling?

shame is not yours, it is his

It really isn't your fault that these incidences occur- when I ask my dp to help at the very worst he would tut and say "you've already asked me" or "yes I'll do it in a mo"....but that's the worst, and then I'd prob tell him there was no need to tut etc. To give you an example my partner has told me to f off two twice in 6 years. The second time he told me to f off, I did. I took my Dc and stayed at a mates house. I went back the next day and we talked about the row. I told him next time he told me to f off, I would for good.
What does he say when you ask him not to swear at you? Does he ever say he wishes he didn't do it in front of kids etc or dies he think it's ok??
I think you should tell him if it continues you'll leave. It sounds like he's got used to using you as a verbal punch bag.

the kids 'adore' him. Really?

Well, they would 'adore' him alot more if he didn't shout at and hit their mummy.

Investigate separating so you know how you would stand fianancially, where you would live etc etc etc. Get together the paper work you need as proof of income etc.

Then try to tacke this and make him change and stop this behaviour. There is much more chance of success from a position of confidence ie you have come to terms with the possible outcomes, rather than one of anxiety and worry or embarrassment about who will find out or what they will think..

There is such a lot of self-doubt to overcome when you are neck-deep in this kind of relationship. For me, accepting that he was abusive was really hard because it meant accepting that I was the kind of person who would be in an abusive relationship. It is hard. If it helps, one of the jobs my DH has on 'his' list is the bathrooms. When they get really skanky I call him on it. He says sorry. And cleans them. That is what is normal.

It doesn't matter what/who starts it - the fact is the dynamic (swearing/hitting/breaking furniture) is harming the children and you need to get them out of it by whatever method you can.

I agree with drizzle

You must tell him to stop disrespecting you, but it can only possibly work if you are prepared to leave.
Otherwise he'll keep on swearing at you, because he doesn't care about your feelings.

If you want to keep him, because quite frankly, I'm not sure I'd want to be with a man who swore at me for any reason really.

I have tried and the name calling doesnt stop.

The hard truth, Tulip, is that the swearing doesn't stop because you're still around. Remove yourself and your children from this situation, and you will no longer have to suffer from your husband's abusive behaviour.

He doesn't stop the swearing and physical intimidation because he doesn't want to stop it

You don't "make" him swear and kick things. He and only he is in control of the words that come out of his mouth, and he and only he in in control of what his limbs do. Not you. He chooses to be abusive

So please stop hoping he'll change and wondering what you're doing wrong and what magical act you can perform to stop it. He won't change, and you can't make him. It's time to investigate leaving.

Tulipp1, although I don't condone violence, but I have been in exactly that situation myself. There's only so much EA people can take, and abusers like that continuously wear you down and push your buttons until you completely blow your lid. It means they can then take the moral high ground and make out that you're unstable and unhinged.

Please don't think you are though, I'm sure that a majority of people would react in the same way to being treated like that and it's actually normal to be completely livid when you're being abused in this way. It's the way he works and he wants you to lose control, so take control by doing the right thing by you and your DC and get the f**k out of there. It never gets any better, trust me.

In a way the fact that you lashed out shows that you've still got spirit in you, now channel that anger and use it to make a better life for you and DC away from this cnut.

Other posters are right, this is damaging to your DC and do you really want them growing up thinking that this is the way to conduct a relationship? We know you don't. Please fuck him off.

he won't stop you know.
I was with someone like this, it just got worse and worse.
You just have to leave.

"But he then has the upperhand it feels to blame me because I have resorted to physical violence"

It's a reasonable response to sustained abuse. Extreme provocation I think the lawyers call it. Being sworn at constantly is not acceptable or tolerable behaviour, it is domestic violence. As such you are a victim and so are your children. You are entitled to feel safe which is where organisations like Womens Aid can help. I would also suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor, outline the details to them, and find out what the score would be if you opted to start divorce proceedings.

The only person who should feel worried about other people knowing your business incidentally, is him. So, rather than defending or protecting his reputation, talk to people IRL about what you're experiencing and get their support. Tell your story before he has chance to tell it for you.

Good luck. Stay strong.

How are you this morning ?

OP, you didn't randomly assault him becuase he left a wet towel on the floor, you hit him because he swore at you, kicked a door in and frightened you. You need to get yourself and your children away from this man.

Do not feel ashamed of admitting that there is a problem to other people. The people that matter will want to help you. If they don't want to help then they don't matter.

You say he is a teacher. That's a very stressful job- with aggravating children and colleagues. Yet I bet he doesn't call them 'fing cnts' or kick the door in if they argue or threaten them.
Which seems to suggest his comment you 'make' him do this is utter utter bullshit. He is CHOOSING to behave like this - and he can therefore choose to stop. If he wants to.

Tulip, I just left a relationship like this and it is scary to be a lone parent but when I read your thread I know I made the right decision for me and my children. My ex is your husband and I am you. We went for counselling, it did not change things (well it did at first but then it all came back). I tried everything. I threatened to leave, I called his parents. But it was seeing my baby sons face watching him shout and swear at me and my little girl hitting him when he shouted and swore at me that made me realise I was doing them so much harm by staying compared to the harm (being skint, coming from a single parent family, going without nice things etc) of leaving. I asked him to leave when I realised that IT WAS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE. The penny just dropped. We had more money, we bought our own house, we had a new baby but our relationship was still abusive, and yes I lunged at him in anger aswell. I was heavily pregnant and he shouted and swore at me then shouted and swore at me over our sleeping newborn baby's cot, and so it continued. God even typing this I wonder why I stayed so long. Yes I am skint, yes I am scared and alone. Yes I may never financially recover and it hurts having to apply for my children to have free school meals and not get the dance lessons, guinea pigs etc etc that they would have had. BUT it WAS THE RIGHT DECISION. Please listen to the other posters about womens aid. IT IS ABUSE AND CLASSED AS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Why are you not seeing it as a big deal? It IS!

Hi. My H was exactly like this except the actual hitting. Counselling, started in August, has got rid of most of the swearing and vile abuse but not all of it and, for me, not the memories of it. There is also alcoholism involved (him) and I asked him to leave on Monday night. Can your H change? Our counsellor believes people can, she says she wouldn't do her job otherwise. I'm not sure where their spouses are though - maybe they don't come on here because they don't need to - because every personal story on here ends with the H reverting to type. Not sustaining change. Good luck. My thoughts are with you. Horrid realisation you are in an abusive relationship. Take care.

He didn't hit me but he did hit objects. And he did come at me as if to hit me. And he did shake our baby son. And he did throw something across the room which hit our baby daughter and made her lip bleed and bruise her head.

I am glad you asked your H to leave, Lala. I hope this is now the end of abuse for you and your dc.

Tulip, do a google search for your county + domestic abuse. You may have a local service that can support you, it's often easier to get through to them than to the national line.

My advice will be to get out of there as quick as you possibly can before you are left an empty shell of your former self.
Open your eyes and trust your instincts. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. What your husband is doing to you is morally and legally wrong.
What your children are witnessing is verbal and physical abuse and the message you as a parent are giving to them is that this form of behaviour is acceptable. You and your husband are their role models.
They are still young and you can start fresh. You can re-build your life and enjoy your children growing up free from pain and abuse.
Your husband will never change. Person centred counselling and family mediation do not work for people who are not prepared to take responsibility for their own actions. I am assuming that in his eyes he has done nothing wrong.
The effects of prolonged emotional abuse can have devastating physiological effects on a victim, and will almost always have lasting ill effects on the victim's mind, due to the infliction of multiple psychiatric injuries.
Get out before you lose yourself and most importantly before you lose your children to an abuser!
Good luck! My heart goes out to you! Stay strong!

Yes teaching can be a very stressful job. Children, parents and even other staff members pushing your buttons etc. Am positive that such people in his school don't get the swearing and abuse that gets dished out to you. If he did, he would be sacked- sim

"He says I make him swear and shout"

Abusive men use arguments like this to justify their abusive behaviour. It is wrong, he is wrong, you aren't the one in the wrong. He is controlling and abusive. He is sucking out all your self respect and self esteem and he needs to be stopped. Please listen to everyone on here and take steps to get yourself out of this horrible situation.

This is not normal and acceptable behaviour from a rational human being and you need to be able to understand and accept this so you can move on.

Oops.. Posted too soon.
If he did, he would be sacked- simple as that. So he is more than capable of controlling his emotions outside of the home.

He chooses to behave in this way. You can not change him. You can change what you and your children experience by removing yourself and them from the situation. Only you can make that decision.

Grrrr....yet another old thread resurrected.

Please folks - STOP DOING THIS!

Tulipp1 you may find that you recognise a lot on the support thread for emotional abuse.
including why those who are being emotionally abused sometimes lash out.

reading this may give you time to think and get some perspective before you make a decision.

and I fully sympathise having recently kicked into touch an ex who swore at me regularly in front of the kids and who also did not like to be asked to help out. it took me a long time to realise it was abuse.

It is unlikely that anything you can do will make him change. So stop trying to fix the relationship single handedly. you will only wear yourself out.

support thread

doh! only just saw date of OP