when your ex has a blessed life ...

[Beograde]

I'm sitting here in the wet UK, and I get an email from my ex, who has just had a Thanksgiving holiday where he went hiking for a few days. Now he's travelling down to San Francisco with a stop off on the way for some skiiing in Sierra Nevada, then going down to the tip of California for a two week break. He's an academic so the year has practically ended for him. I know I shouldn't feel jealous, but he just seems to lead a perfect life. How do I put this behind me?

Unless jealously/envy motivates us to improve our own lot in life they are non-productive, and some would say destructive, emotions.

We are in the continual process of creating our lives; are you creating the perfect life for yoursef?

I know what you mean... sounds like the very worst kind of FB round robin. Guaranteed to make anyone stabby. Any special reason why he feels compelled to update you with e-mails??? Can you ask him to stop? Let's hope he breaks a leg on the ski slopes, eh?

I'm not doing bad for myself. I have a good position myself at a university, but it just seems that his life seems charmed in comparison - living on the west coast, and with a lot a free time and a reasonable salary can do so many lovely things. Relatively, my salary is lower, I seem to have less holiday, and it's been so wet that I can't get out camping. I suppose if I really wanted to, I could move to somewhere similar, and lead that type of lifestyle.

And he e-mails you because.....?

I don't know really - I think we're trying to be friends, but I'm not sure it's working. I don't know if I'm being oversensitive about things, or whether he is being deliberately a show off - he needn't say how great everything is. Why not just say he has a trip planned - it's all the details that make it seem so easy and charmed.

Is there any reason why you can't have a fortnight's hiking/trekking holiday in the Sierra Nevadas of Spain if California is a tad too far geographically or budget wise?

I always think when your ex has a blessed life (or even if it just seems like that) then it's time to calm down contact with him.

You don't owe it to someone to be their friend, after all.

Exes are not friends, that's why they're exes. Like the FB crowing types he's rubbing your nose in it I think. "See how happy I am without you...." etc. How do you put it behind you? Time, distance and no contact.

The grass is always greener......
Generally when aquaintances tell us about their lives, they only ever talk about the good stuff - holidays, trips planned, promotions gained, children's achievements etc.
Rarely do they tell us about the money troubles, arguments, feelings of loneliness, affairs etc.
Focus on your own good stuff rather than his.
If you've got no good stuff, or not enough, then go out and get some or put wheels in motion to make some.
Be assured that no-one (not even your ex) has a charmed life 100% of the time. He's just not telling you about the other bits.

That explains it... he hasn't mentioned the poison ivy patch he fell into, the heat that made him/his companions lose it with each other, the blisters, the ruinous credit card bill at the end of the trip...

If you want mountains/beach on your doorstep, move to Vancouver.

Thanks for the advice. This is the ex who I only knew for a few months - after he was broken from an ex who only made him miserable, got depressed all the time, etc - and then dumped me to go back to the ex. Now, he's on holiday with the ex, and all is great

The other problem is that my life isn't that bad - I was just at a conference in Holland last week, I go to Bangladesh next week for a week - my life sounds equally interesting, and I'm in a field where I could apply for jobs in theory anywhere in the world

Definitely block his address. What kind of up-his-own-arsehole pillock does all of that, treats you like shit, and then thinks you want to hear his jolly holiday stories of him and the girl he dumped you for?????

Block. Avoid. Ignore.

he's on holiday with the ex, and all is great Oh yeah? I very much doubt that 'all is great' honey - but he'd sure like you to think it is

I'd put money on them virtually coming to blows during their 'perfect' trip

I always think about my ex- even if he won the lottery, he'd still have to wake up as HIM.

'This is the ex who I only knew for a few months - after he was broken from an ex who only made him miserable, got depressed all the time, etc - and then dumped me to go back to the ex. Now, he's on holiday with the ex, and all is great'

Well, he's hardly going to write 'Back in my miserable co-dependent relationship again because I'm too scared to move on!' on a status update is he?

"The other problem is that my life isn't that bad"-

Well Beo, that's an awful problem to have!!

He didn't treat me very well - it's still 3 months on and I'm still in love with him, or at least the idea of him - he told me how he had never felt like this before, and how I had made him so happy.

Well then you DEFINITELY need to break off contact, at least for something like six months to a year.

He is NOT your friend. Friends dont treat you like that. Sod him. Dont need to make it a drama, just block him on everything and get on with your life. You deserve better.

you've elevated him to a venerated position,you're liking the misery and moping
he's not into you,and chose his ex.so stop reading his emails. move on.
you put it behind you by stoping moping,get active, get busy.and no contact him

I appreciate all that - I'm not sure I'm liking the moping - I've taken up a new sport, I'm travelling and busy with work, I go out quite regularly, FB is blocked, etc. Sometimes it's just hard - I don't want to be upset, or visibly so, and that's why I accept emails etc.

I know what you mean, I think - trying not to show that you're a 'sore loser' or whatever, you're graciously reading his blether.

Shove it. You're not ignoring him because you're sooooo hurt and hung up over him, no, you're ignoring him because you're too busy to listen to his nonsense now you're not together, too many other friends, calls on your time, etc.

That's the way to see it. And you can just block the emails without him knowing, I think, which is what I'd do.

but you are liking the love lost,what if moping that's why you read his emails
he's not into you,you split up,why do you persist with contact?
because on some level you like it,something hooks you in.maybe romantic myth

Beo, you have a GREAT life, seriously! The furthest I get to go in my job is St Albans! No disrespect to anyone in St Albans by the way but it's not exactly jet-setting.
So anytime you're jealous just think of me being here and being jealouser!

I'm in California, San Francisco is socked in with fog today, so thats no fun. Then the heavy rain will arrive early on Wednesday morning and will persist all the way through to next Monday for the whole state so he will be stuck with his wonderful ex now current GF in a motel room or outside drenched. So it isn't all fun and sunshine. Maybe he'll break a leg and the financial burden will cancel the rest of the holiday. (maybe that was a bit mean)
Stop emailing him he's only telling you the fun bits, he's not really your friend.

Thanks. I highly doubt that everything is perfect. I need to try harder to move on from this. I've never been like this in my life before, and it's such a weird feeling.

I've read before that people overestimate the impact of living and being somewhere sunny - people in the Midwest are as happy as Californians, but in my head I imagine him leading this perfectly wonderful life where nothing seems to go wrong - he's moved on, and I'm still hung up on him. I know I have a pretty interesting life and I have my health and friends.