confronted over "culling" a friend, how to respond?

[baublesandbaileys]

In the past I have been pretty blunt about ending friendships, and regret the burning bridges approach, it would be nice to back away from someone without being so brutal and final about it

anyway that is what I've been trying to do lately, and it's not easy, but generally people get the gentle hint but stay on "hello" terms and it's okay

but I've just been texted by someone I used to be very close to but wanted to back away from. I don't want to cut all contact/burn bridges, that would be sad because we were close in the past but the truth is I don't think we like each other in the present tense and I think that's mutual, yet we still get our kids gifts, get each other expensive gifts at christmas and birthdays and generally behave like we're still the best buds we're quite obviously not!

So what have I been doing?

• Caring a bit less, still chatty but I don't open my soul for it to be criticised and mocked and perhaps some of our recent news has got to her via facebook/other people
• I've done the birthday present thing this time because due to timing (i.e. her just having given me loads for mine) it would have been too blunt to stop all together, but it was cheap and tokeney - however we are stoney broke and it would have been anyway but she doesn't understand "broke" - she's one of those people who don't count their savings when they complain about having no money IYKWIM
• just hoped to fizzle it away a little without being hurtful and never speaking again

now she's texted to say that she's noticed that our friendship has changed and she's sorry if she's not the friend I want her to be.

I don't know how to respond
Old me would either not respond say "yeah well I don't really want you in my life any more" and deleted her number and deleted her off facebook etc and we would never speak again and it would be shitty for mutual friends or if we passed each other on the street
I don't want to do the old me way!
I don't want to "fix" our friendship either - Its not like we fell out over an incident, I don't really like her, there's no big elephant in the room though
Not responding would be quite final too IMO?

I'm new to trying to move away from people in a more gentle way! please help how do I respond in a vague but amicable way?

great advice there! keep seeing someone whose company makes you consistantly unhappy

or if you do decide to have less to do with them then don't try to find the best way to back off without having it turn into a huge issue where your mutual friends can't invite you both to the same thing

lovely! thanks!

Just keep going the way you are. I think you'll find you'll be troubled less and less with this kind of problem.

But here's a little tip: other people don't exist just to amuse you.

If you behave hurtfully towards someone, it's a bit much to be all put out that they are hurt.

You want to ditch an old friend because you can't stand her any more and can't be arsed to try to work on the friendship.

So do it. It's an unkind thing to do. So she (and some mutual friends) will think you are unkind.

AThing didn't you read OP's explanation about the reasons - the friend was critical and hurtful TO HER, not someone nice who is now shocked at what happened! sounds like they both hurt each other with their comments/criticisms, so it makes perfect sense to call it a day. I understand that OP wants to just be on social terms, why aer some postres angry at OP who s been extrenely patient to explain many times.
OP just reply again that yes, you can see now that you both are resentful, possibly as you have different lives to each other, so isn't it for the best to cool it as a friendship and just be acquaintances.She can't see this as unreasonable or unkind, she's hardly been a good friend lately!

I asked how to respond to a text and you haven't actually offered any suggestions athing

not that it matters now as I have responded and my suspicions were confirmed (i.e. that she doesn't actually like me either and is looking for a blow up about it)

sometimes working on a relationship means realising when to stop trying as it's not mutually beneficial any more and it's time to move on y'know

You seem very experienced in the culling of friends! I can't fathom it unless someone has actually been rude or hurtful and since she hasn't...maybe you need to examine the way you MAKE friends rather than how to end the friendships.

She has been hurtful, MrsMushroom - I do sometimes wonder if people even bother to read the thread before posting! jibes, criticisms, telling something said in confidence to people etc!

Well if you didn't drip feed it wouldn't matter if I read it all...your OP was quite long and descriptive after all.

And if you have had a number of "toxic friendships" then you really DO need to look at how you make friends don't you.

Some very snippy remarks on here along the lines of 'what sort of person are you to ditch a friend'.......a bit odd when on so many threads on Mumsnet where the OP is about a friend being nasty the advice is often to terminate the friendship.

I think some people on this thread are just enjoying having a go at the OP really

she's been both rude and hurtful, just in frequent small ways rather than one big thing that we could actually talk through.

Not just rude to me, but rude to people around me, rude about people I care about, rude about everything I do, rude about my children, rude TO my young children, rude to my coleagues when she visits my work.. she really doesn't seem to like ANYTHING about me! The only people she's not rude to are friends who we are equally friends with or friends who I know through her (although she's rude about them behind their back and I'm sick of hearing the bitching), anyone I introduce is boring/ugly/etc

however pick any ONE of those incidents on their own and it seems petty, its the consistancy of it that I've had enough of, if she'd been rude to one person or about one thing I could "work on it", but there's too many little things for it to be worked on. I just don't like it, I don't like hearing all the criticism of not just me but the people around me, I've had enough but it wasn't one big incident.

If she's rude then ditch her. But I still say....have a think about why you make friends with people like that.

baubles fortunately most people IME do not find themselves in this situation more than about once in their lives.

As MrsMushromm suggests look at the way you make friends. You say she was rude about you, other people etc, but the chances are she was like this about other people when you were friends but you didn't notice.

In a way that does say a little about you too, so perhaps you could think about that for the next new friendship.

Sorry - MrsMushroom

I think it took a lot of guts to send a text like that and you owe her the courtesy of being honest.

I seem to bring out a "black is white" response in her.

She really doesn't seem to like anything I say or do, I've been directing the conversation on to her a lot as its a "safer" topic than anything in my life, which works a bit, but she'll still find something about me to snort about even if I am trying to keep the conversation on her

Get yourself some new friends. If she is an example of your circle if friends then no wonder you have been ditching them. All sounds like too much hard work.

Friendships have highs and lows but the good friendships know when to back off and when to go and prop you up when things are shitty.

I didn't "make" ex friend no1 as such, our mothers were mummy friends and we grew up together. I DID defend her behaviour towards me to others for years which is something I need to be aware of I accept

ex friend 2 - I was in school! I picked a wrong un, I was young! I thought she was cool!

friend 3 - antenatal class so again more thrown together than actually hitting it off, ended up spending a lot of time together by default, she wouldn't be the kind of person I would normally hit it off with but antenatal group can sort of "level" that

friend 4 - there was so much going on with our lives when we became friends, huge life distractions for both of us, so it was only when life got more boring that her constant bitching about others became apparent.. but by then we'd been through a lot together, and yes I should have eased off back then but I kept excusing it for too long because of the past we had shared

in between all of them, fantastic friends who I've known for years and are absolute stars! I admire everyone I call a friend, the above are not the only 4 people I've ever made friends with, they're just the bad apples in amongst a lot of absolute stars who I've been lucky enough to have in my life for years

"I understand that OP wants to just be on social terms"

That's not her call.

You can ditch someone, but you can't dictate how they will respond.

It's not a lot different (except much rarer for most people) than dumping a boyfriend.

You might want to stay friends, but there's every chance that if they are hurt at being dumped that they won't be willing.

Hi baubles, perhaps you could now send a final text just to leave things clear on you side...

Something like: "I think people just grow apart sometimes. No hard feelings though on my side, hope none on yours either"

Any use?

And for what it's worth Baubles, I find your predicament understandable.

And the fact is, you are trying to do this without being hurtful.

I have a toxic parent and, because of this in my history, I have in the past attracted a few similar toxic types because I was very well trained by my childhood to give the toxic person what they need...(and have also possibly been drawn to them for similar reasons)

It does get better I think as one gets older

thanks Scarlet, I sort of said something similar in the first one, and she replied with "you didn't do this and you did that" etc. Some really silly things such as not "liking" any of her facebook stuff, which I did reply that I'm not that into anyway as she well knows. Not phoning (she didn't try to phone me either)

Anyway I responded to the facebook things saying that I really didn't think it was an important thing to do, and that I don't "like" DHs or DMs every status either. If I have something worth commenting I'll comment but I don't comment and "like" everything that pops up!

and no reply back, so if that's the way she wants it left that's fine, I think I did try to not be shitty about it, I still don't see the point in pointing out her flaws as I see them if I've already decided to have less to do with her, but she wants to do it that way and I'm not "biting"

Sorry, was not meaning to imply that you have a toxic parent or anything, just trying to say that I understand how one can get into a situation like this.

:o

Yeah - no hard feelings, I just think you're horrible.

I want you to disappear out of my life with no inconvenience to me.

Thanks scarlet!

I do hope I'm getting better at spotting the bad'uns earlier. ex friends 1 and 2 were really quite horrible to me and I excused it and excused it for far far too long, and IMO I haven't let anyone consistantly treat me that badly since. 3 and 4 didn't get to that stage, and while I still probably took too much for too long in both cases, I did IMO say "enough" to myself much much sooner than with 1 and 2

I just wish my heart wasn't so broken about no1
She WAS bloody awful to me but we grew up together (lived on same street, mums lived in each other's pockets and each of our mums was the other one's "second mum" etc) and I'll never have that shared childhood with anyone else. I know I had to call it a day but still wish it hadn't been so total and final.

If she is saying that she's sorry she's not the friend you want her to be, it's just possible that she's realised she's a bitch and is willing to change. If she were nicer would you be willing to give it a try or do you feel the friendship is just too much in the past? If the later, probably best just to say that you feel you have less in common at the moment, but that friendships do wax and wane over time so you'd like to stay in touch? It's the truth afterall.

I'm in a similar situation at the moment: my oldest friend has become very toxic, but because she is my oldest friend I understand that this comes from her insecurity. I don't want to be around her because I don't want to be the emotional punchbag for all her hang ups, but at the same time we are very connected so I don't want the friendship to die completely.