confronted over "culling" a friend, how to respond?

[baublesandbaileys]

In the past I have been pretty blunt about ending friendships, and regret the burning bridges approach, it would be nice to back away from someone without being so brutal and final about it

anyway that is what I've been trying to do lately, and it's not easy, but generally people get the gentle hint but stay on "hello" terms and it's okay

but I've just been texted by someone I used to be very close to but wanted to back away from. I don't want to cut all contact/burn bridges, that would be sad because we were close in the past but the truth is I don't think we like each other in the present tense and I think that's mutual, yet we still get our kids gifts, get each other expensive gifts at christmas and birthdays and generally behave like we're still the best buds we're quite obviously not!

So what have I been doing?

• Caring a bit less, still chatty but I don't open my soul for it to be criticised and mocked and perhaps some of our recent news has got to her via facebook/other people
  
• I've done the birthday present thing this time because due to timing (i.e. her just having given me loads for mine) it would have been too blunt to stop all together, but it was cheap and tokeney - however we are stoney broke and it would have been anyway but she doesn't understand "broke" - she's one of those people who don't count their savings when they complain about having no money IYKWIM
  
• just hoped to fizzle it away a little without being hurtful and never speaking again
  

now she's texted to say that she's noticed that our friendship has changed and she's sorry if she's not the friend I want her to be.

I don't know how to respond
Old me would either not respond say "yeah well I don't really want you in my life any more" and deleted her number and deleted her off facebook etc and we would never speak again and it would be shitty for mutual friends or if we passed each other on the street
I don't want to do the old me way!
I don't want to "fix" our friendship either - Its not like we fell out over an incident, I don't really like her, there's no big elephant in the room though
Not responding would be quite final too IMO?

I'm new to trying to move away from people in a more gentle way! please help how do I respond in a vague but amicable way?

[ajandjjmum]

Could you just reply to her latest email along the lines of 'hey we had some great fun in the past and I've got loads of happy memories. We just seem to have a different take on things at the moment, so let's take a step back and see how things pan out in the future".

[baublesandbaileys]

boobyboo I do think that we don't have any connection in the present at all, its all for "old times sake".. which is good to have too with people who you only see once a year or so to catch up and chat about old times, but its not a basis on it's own for spending regular time together. We're in the habit of going to each other's kids parties for example (or kids aren't same ages so its not for their sakes), I don't really want someone sneering in the corner at my kids party but we've run into this pattern of being a bit in each other's pockets. When we were FIRST friends we were in each other's pockets and it was great - we were young and single and going out all the time (in a wider group of singly friends that we spent a lot of time with). We were both newcommers to a new city, but recently single, both making big exciting life changes. So seeing a lot of each other worked THEN. It doesn't work now.. it's just continued out of habit

[baublesandbaileys]

so no, I don't think it would make a big difference if she was a little bit nicer, we don't have anything in common much now anyway and the presents and habit invites are silly. I don't want someone here if they don't want to be here, even if they were "behaving" and being polite

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

If you've been friends for years but have had a lot of issues recently then since she's confronted you wouldn't it be a good idea to air your problems and try and salvage the friendship?

[baublesandbaileys]

I wouldn't know where to start panda, if it was one or two things then sure

but I guess its like getting/giving feedback at work, it needs to be specific to be constructive, otherwise it's just "having a go"

[GimmeIrnBru]

Say hello to her if you see her down the street, but otherwise cut all contact with her. In other words, don't go out of your way to explain about why you want to cut contact with her...

[madamemax]

Sounds like you would benefit from learning to be more assertive in the moment, rather than letting all these little things build up to the point of 'culling' a longstanding friend.

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

Could you just bring up the main ones that really get to you? The other issues might not seem as bad if the bigger stuff was tackled.

[flippinada]

I too think all the snippy replies on here are uncalled for.

I suspect what has happened, baubles, is you've hit a nerve, the secret, sneaking fear everyone has that people don't like them, hence defensive and antagonistic responses - based on what you've said here, you don't sound unpleasant at all.

People talk about doing things face to face and so in but in reality nobody wants to hear a list of faults/criticisms and, unless you're the kind of person who gets enjoyment from causing distress, people don't want to say someone "well I don't like you because ...". Hence all the avoiding/being subtle etc

If you feel you must respond to your friends text, then how about something along the lines of "I'm sorry, I understand you must be feeling "x", let's not fight about it". You could also send a letter or a nice card if you felt it was appropriate.

[flippinada]

Sorry, I see the thread has moved on!

I second the suggestion about learning to be more assertive as well.

You're not obliged to be friends with someone who doesn't treat you well.

[baublesandbaileys]

I could I suppose.. but that won't "cure" the fact that she doesn't like me either!

And if someone suddenly starts listing your flaws, most people don't go "hmm, I'll work on that! thank you! most people just get defensive and pissed off!"

honestly there are enough nice people out there that I do actually like, who like me, that I can invest my time and mental energy on

I just wanted to spend less time and money and effort and head space on this one person without it being blown up into a big thing, I wanted to back off but got called up on it.

I think I am assertive once I actually notice that its happening, my problem is that I sort of don't until I get a lightbulb moment, then I look back and with hind sight I think WTF was I putting up with all that for all that time?? I'm not simmering inside for years then "cracking" like some people do, I'm just being really thick and excusing it and brushing it off without seeing the pattern.. until I do! Then I don't put up with it any more. I excuse it for ages, y'know, I think someone's joking when they're being passive aggressive, or that they're just very honest or straight forward.. I see the best possible scenario for ages I suppose, then eventually realise that no, they're actually just fucking rude and shitty and have been for ages

[baublesandbaileys]

"I could I suppose..." was in reply to "Could you just bring up the main ones that really get to you? The other issues might not seem as bad if the bigger stuff was tackled"

x-posted with flippinada

I was assertive with ex friend no3, but a lot of the stuff she came out with was disablist etc and I did pull her up on it at the time but ultimately that is not my kind of person so I broke the play date /coffee morning habit we had since antenatal class (when you don't really notice people's left/right leanings because you're consumed with chatting about weight gain and nappy brands etc, its only later that you really get to know the individual), it was of course obvious that I was pulling away, but we are on chatting terms which I think is important as our kids will go through school together and we will bump into each other at all kinds of local things etc. Its fine, I'm quite happy with how that "cull" went

[flippinada]

I know where you're coming from baubles. I didn't mean to sound critical :). Completely understand your desire to be non confrontational and let things slide.

In reality I think many people either have or have had a friendship like that (I certainly recognise it and I reckon most people would if they thought about it), which leaves you feeling drained, miserable and

[flippinada]

Pressed send too soon - should say drained, miserable and resentful.

[MULLYPEEP]

I must be morally spineless but I would lie and say ' oh just been busy blah blah speak soon' and then don't. If you don't want awkwardness and aren't invested enough in the positives of the relationship to improve it then don't. I don't think that makes you a bad person, I think that's what most people do with friendships that don't make them feel good.

[baublesandbaileys]

thanks flippinada.

I can do confrontion if it's a means to an end, in this case I don't see what it would achieve.

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

But you're trying to end the friendship anyway so what have you got to lose, she might surprise you and change. How are you so sure she doesn't like you? Her texting you would suggest to me that she does still like you and wants to hold on to the friendship.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Just reply "I think we've just grown apart". I don't think she would have texted you to make you feel awkward,more she's genuinely a bit confused as to why the friendship has changed gear.

[Stropzilla]

Is being honest a way forward? "I'm sorry but I feel you humiliated me over x, and were rude to my children. If I've been a bit distant, that's why."

If you want to add any more, about her perhaps thinking before she speaks you could, if you wanted to keep seeing her, but tbh being honest like that will probably mean she won't really speak to you again. Or you could try "I've got quite a lot on at the moment, we do need to get together when I have less on my mind". And sort of just keep putting it off although that sounds kind of mean.

[baublesandbaileys]

how do I know she doesn't like me? I dunno she sneers at everything I say, she says shitty things to me, she laughs when things go wrong for me, she just generally acts like I'm a bad smell, yet she still chooses to spend time with me for some reaon, most likely because we fell into that old "old friend must = good friend" trap, and I'm not doing it any more.

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

"she laughs when things go wrong for me"

Maybe she's jealous of you? Take it as a compliment , reply saying I agree with you in that I think our friendship has changed and we've grown apart, hen just leave it at that.

[baublesandbaileys]

anyway she didn't really seem interested in what she might have done, she didn't speculate about that she just launched into all the things I had/hadn't done lately and then stopped replying.

it was all "you" "you" "you" - didn't really have the tone of someone who was in the mood for soul searching and self improvement!

[baublesandbaileys]

"reply saying I agree with you in that I think our friendship has changed and we've grown apart, hen just leave it at that"

yeah that's vaguely what I replied to the first text, then the second one came with the list of things I did/didn't do lately

[baublesandbaileys]

(and they weren't even things I used to do before I backed away that had stopped, like the facebook stuff, I've never been one for facebook diarrhea but I've been shitty with her for not "liking" her every facebook move.. which isn't something I've backed away from because I didn't do that in the past anyway)

[ProcrastinatingPanda]

Sorry you feel like that, it sounds like we're both in agreement then that we should move on from this friendship.