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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

long story

8 replies

handmedownqueen · 25/11/2012 23:03

I've been married with kids for 16 years,together since we were 20 ( we are 43 now). I've been really lucky with my DH and really love him. I've always struggled with mood episodes, had a couple of depressions over the years which caused some ups and downs. Then three years ago I had a manic episode and after it was diagnosed bipolar. Manic people get very disinhibited and during that time I had a short affair. I was really ill at the time. I'm still wracked with guilt about it. We've got past it as a couple pretty much. What really disturbs me is which part of the OM thought it was OK to respond to my advances then to complain bitterly about me 'not making time for him' when I was with my family. The sex was awful. It was sordid. He wanted me to watch films of him shagging other women. I have a lovely DH and can't believe how horrid a man can be. Why am I posting? Need to talk about it I guess. The guilt is the killer - even though I had my psychiatrist telling me what I did was all illness driven. I often read the threads on MINUTE where women who are thinking of an OM are flamed and just wanted to say it is sordid and you will be wracked with guilt forever.

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 25/11/2012 23:07

Not sure what "MINUTE" is.

It's awful that the OM was careless with you when you were vulnerable & making bad choices.

Does your DH know about the affair, or are you carrying it to yourself still 3 years later?

Original poster
handmedownqueen · 25/11/2012 23:14

Sorry - predictive txt Mumsnet
My DH knows amd we are truly past it. OM didn't know I was ill but I just feel taken advantage of in many ways and just can't believe how sordid it all was. Guess I want to tell other women who may be considering an affair that I am truly forgiven by my DH and now treated for bipolar yet three years on I still am plagued with guilt and there's a part of me lost in those few weeks that was lost from my family and I can't get back. 2009 will always be a bad year in our family history

OP posts:
AlreadyScone · 25/11/2012 23:21

Oh I see! MINUTE = Mumsnet.

Well as I see it, the point is that you DID get back - to your family, and to recovery. If you are still reliving those few weeks over and over, then you're trapping yourself there, aren't you?

What is it about the affair that you can't let go of? Is it the OM, is it the feelings the affair sparked in you... or is it a stick to beat yourself with?

PrincessSymbian · 25/11/2012 23:29

In the manic episode, I had in 2011, which WAS triggered by the anti-d's that I was on, I did a lot worse than have an affair. I had multiple sexual encounters with people I had never met before. But I was always on the promiscuous side of things anyway and my h (as he was at the time) had been less than supportive in the build up to it.
Listen to your pysch, you were ill and dwelling on what happened will do no-one any good at all.
Do you have a better understanding of what triggered you? And what the warning signs are?
I take it that you are stable and on a drug regime?

izzyizin · 26/11/2012 00:15

Other than to accept that there always have been and always will be those who take advantage of the weakness of others, there really is no point in you speculating about the motives of the OM at this late date.

What happened in a few years' back is long gone and you're best advised leave the past behind and concentrate on the present and the future.

4aminsomniac · 26/11/2012 06:18

I am also bipolar, diagnosed 15 years ago.

What's past is past, the important thing is to learn from it. Do you have an agreement with your DH about any future manic (or depressive) episodes you may have? I think it is important to age with him while you are 'normal' what circumstances you both agree he should talk to your doctor in, even if at that time you don't think there is anything wrong.

When people are manic, they often don't recognise it, or don't want help because they feel good. There are online mania rating scales you can look at; perhaps find one, give it to your DH, and agree a score that should trigger him into action if he detects it in you?

I have this safeguard in place with my DH. For you, not only might it prevent future bad events, but it will show your DH that you are serious about protecting your relationship from future damage.

Don't beat yourself up over previous behavior when ill, but accept that this is part of you and protect yourself for the future!

4aminsomniac · 26/11/2012 06:21

[[http://psymed.info/default.aspx?m=Test&id=50&l=3 Altman scale]] , there is also a Young scale: have a google and see what might suit you.

Original poster
handmedownqueen · 26/11/2012 23:30

Thanks all. Its helpful to hear from others who have experienced the same. You are right that I need to let it go and keep safe in the future. My DH and I are getting good at self monitoring, I've made a lot of lifestyle changes. Yet unfaithfulness is unfaithfulness and awful for my DH. He's amazing to have got through it hence my even worse guilt I guess
I still see OM in passing at work. We have no real contact, a brief word about a professional matter every couple of months. I dread to think what's he's told others about me and hate the fact he knows I'm bipolar (I told him (maybe a mistake) to make sure he knew I didn't have any feelings for him at all. In fact I think he finds it attractive which I hate. However I can't change workplaces and avoid him like the plague

OP posts:
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