Would you go back to your twice cheating DH?

[mrstootough]

If you found out that you DH had been cheating on your after a very rocky relationship, then you decide to make a go of things to find out another 6 months down the line he is still sleeping with the same woman. Would you take him back?
What if he promises it is over this time and she is no longer working in the same company?

There are a few MNers who have successfully taken errant husbands back & made their relationship work. However, it is has been a tough journey for them, I think MrsTT. I can't remember who it was, but I know one MNer believes her relationship is better after what happened, so please don't think it has to be over.
You know your H better than any of us and will have a better idea whether it was just opportunistic weakness on his part or whether your relationship has broken down beyond repair.
I don't think it is not enough for him just to want to be with you for the children, he has to want to be with you too.

I too had PND and my H had an affair while I had PND and blamed me (and consequently I blamed myself too)

PND is not your fault
Having an affair is his fault

yes things may have been bad, but dont you get married saying "for better for worse"

your H sounds like mine - as soon as things got worse, he looked elsewhere

I would say no 2nd time - in fact I did & I only caught him on the phone to her - next day I told him to leave

its hard, really hard by yourself but you can do it

You need to know you can trust him 100% otherwise you could have a miserable life ahead of you

MistressMiggins could be your inspiration...

How are you Miggins? Get your voice back?

MrsTT- so sorry you are going through this, having been there 2years ago when my dh had an affair with a work colleague- I know the absolute agony of it. Agree with Bugsy2 only you can truely decide if he deserves another chance and you are prepared to try again - it is not an easy option-as you are the one living this situation and it is not as black and white when you are there in the middle with all the implications on you and your children of splitting.
Your post made me think a bit- the cheated twice thing- it depends on whether you view it as a continued course of conduct I would- as my dh took a few months to totally stop seeing this woman (I didn't know until later that it was still happening) anyway when it all eventually came out it was like he'd lost the plot for a few months. I weighed up what we'd had together for some 16 or so years before that time aginst the few months of appauling behaviour on his part and his then pleadings to let him have another chance- I decided to work at it and am so happy we did.It was difficult- still is sometimes as the pain is always in the back of your mind but for me I felt he'd gone through some sort of a "mid-life crisis" he couldn't quite explain why- as he said we were happy- but it dominated his thinking and behaviour for months, then at crunch point when he realised what he was about to lose he snapped back into reality. He put himself into counselling (as did I) and we went from there.
We are stronger now and although I would NEVER wish this upon anyone I do feel there are aspects of our relationship that have come out better.It made us both appreciate the small things about family life and stop taking one another for granted too much.
I agree if it's only for the children that he wants to try again - think again- he has to want you just as much otherwise it will eat you up inside - you will keep thinking he really wants to be with her.
Affairs are fantasy land- escapism- not always from the relationship your in , sometimes from other things going on in your life.
I reccommend " after the affair" by Julia Cole- I read it, it helped, it also helped me see how the thrill of an affair, the fantasy of it can be hard to kick (not that I give any sympathy there)but it helped me understand a little how he repeated his course of behaviour for some time even when I found out- most affairs do not last as they are not "real" relationships, they cannot survive the reality of normal every day life- true love, true committment burns strong even through the worst times.
I took the view my dh cheating was a "one off" but it was over a period of time- I know how deeply sorry he is and believe he will not fall into that trap again. However he and I had to work very hard to gain the trust again and committ to each other- he still does- with counnselling and little things like always telling me where he is and leaving his phone around (if I wanted to check- stopped doing that now)and taking it on the chin when I have a bad day and relive the agony of his cheating. It can be done if both are prepared to work at it.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks- you are in control- it's your life- if you want to try again then go for it honey but you will have to find a way to make peace with what he's done and that's only achieved by lots of painful honest talking to eah other and probably some counselling. Whatever you decide- good luck.

yes got my voice back although still a little croaky even now!!

I would say it depends how sorry he seems and how much he wants to make a go of iut

mine never really seemed that sorry (still doesnt)

one MNetter's H left her & even moved in with other woman
12 mths later decided hed made a mistake
she made him live by himself for 6 mths to prove he meant it
now really happy

good luick whatever you decide

We had a heated arguement last night and from that I am not allowed to bring up the affair. He says that if I keep bringing it up mentioning her name etc he will walk. He says it probably would have finished after she left on Saturday. He is here primarily for the kids, likes what we have here and does not want to give it up. He does not want me snooping, checking up on him, checking phones the computer etc as he will not stand for it. He says he will go the opposite way go out every night and I will not know where he is.

sorry but sounds very familiar

I was given TWO WEEKS to stop crying & stop mentioning the affair
This is unrealisitc & unfair

he doesnt sound sorry and to be honest, if he is having a go already, whats to stop him walking out whenever - in which case you]'ll be living on egg shells forever

believe me - I did this for 8 weeks and it was awful

CAT me if you want to talk or shoulder to cry on

{{{hugs}}}

plus of course he doesnt want to leave or give it all up
hes hoping he can bully you into sweeping it under the carpet
hes making you feel its YOUR fault if the marriage fails cos you cant forgive

its all b@llcks & I know cos I had exactly the same done to me

I will try to find my thread cos I had a lot of support & good advice from MN

I really do feel for you
xx

Well only you can make the decision to stay or go (or kick his cheating arse out) but...........

He would probably have finished it!!!!

He is only there for the kids!!!!!!!!

He likes what he has (of course he does, you and a f!"k buddy on the side when he wants it)

You are not allowed to say/do/speak/mention/look (have a right to know where he is). Sorry when did he become the boss of you?? Do you need his permission to pee??

This man is showing you no love, affection, respect or common decency. If you can live with that only you decide.

I know what I would be doing!

I know I am stronger than this time last year but hate the thought of being on my own. I know this no reason to stay but I also keep thinking about the kids and that they need the both of us. I just hope he will change. Who knows what the future holds.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=7&threadid=117400

cant do links

its not quite the same but does show how manipulating my H was

Just wanted to point out no-ones having a go - people genuinely care on MN and things like this make people angry on your behalf

you CAN do it on your own IF you need to

you need to reach that decision for yourself.

I am honestly much happier now cos I dont have to worry what hes upto - I know - Hes now living with her and about to play happy families with OUR children. The day he left, he went to her so probably HADNT actually finished it for those 8 weeks....even though we actually went abroad for a week in that time - how she got her head round that I dont know - no self respect I suppose

Sorry MistressM is right. Please don't think I was having a go at you.

I was merely trying to point out all the things that your H has said. You seem to say it so reasonably and accepting what he has done whereas I would be spitting feathers (what does that mean) if anyone tried that with me.

I do hope that everything works out for you but I think that if you allow your H to 'get away' with this nothing will change. He will just carry on walking all over your mental and emotional well being.

You have the right to all the things I mentioned respect/love/being treated decently etc and you are not getting it. As others have mentioned on here it has taken a shock and almost losing their wives for some men to wise up and mend their ways. Your H will never do this on his own just carrying on the way he/you are in your relationship he will think he is free to treat you like shit forever. Even if he finds someone else who he leaves you for (then you will be on your own but not through YOUR choice) he will probably still treat you like this.

I agree with Kathlean's first post. Threatening to walk out on you if you question him or ask who he's been seeing/talking too!! What right has he to do that to you. IMHO a relationship rests on mutal love, trust and respect. He doesn't respect your position as a wife and you don't trust him. I don't know how you go on from there but not talking about what has happened aint the way forward. You will brood on it and you will grow to resent him. Talking about it and exactly what you both want from this relationship is the only way to go otherwise things will fester. Have you thought about RELATE?

frankly I don't think anyone knows what they would really do until it happens I'd like to think I wouldn't put up with that sort of behaviour, I might forgive once but not twice. There again I've never been in the situation so I don't know. It must be very, very, hard, particularly if you still have strong feelings for your dh.

I ahve no direct experience to offer you but lots of sympathy, sounds terrible .

IMO anyone who has done something so terrible to someome they love and want to be with should be doing anything possible to convince you that he is "on the level" this time. ie "here take my phone, we will get caller display and I will call you if I go out. In fact anything at all to try to hwlp you past this terrible time.

If she was leaving are you sure that it was not ending simply because she was leaving? I would be happier if he had ended it regardless of the situation.

Staying together for the kids can work - but only if you are strong enough to stay happy for the rest of their childhood no matter how you feel inside.

I couldn't do it - I would try to, but I know I am not man enough to be able to bear all those feelings and fears without crumbling - which would probably take me kids apart too, no matter how hard I tried.

I feel for you - good luck with whatever you decide (and remember - being alone isn't so bad it is usually the thought of it that is the worst part.)

Sweetheart I have no wish to cause you further upset but you are being treated appallingly.

How arrogant after causing you extreme pain to say that he likes what he has "here" and doesn't want to leave. Where do you fit into this scenario ?

It is unrelaistic and cruel to forbid you from discussing his affair ..... are you supposed to shrug your shoulders and get on with it as if nothing had happened. Sounds to me like he is NOT sorry, that he doesn't think he's done anything wrong and doesn't want to be (in his eyes) "nagged". That is, as far as you and your feelings are concerened - contemptuous.

I'd bet that most couples who've actually survived an affair have only done so after a hell of a lot of gut-wrenching, hear-breaking discussion. The guilty party may not wish to rake over stuff but that is going to be a necessity for the innocent party. On top of that, there will need to be a lot of frank talk about why the affair happened ..... it's rarely as simple as being opportunistic, and usually indicative of problems in the relationship - even if they are painful to confront, it needs to be done before they can be resolved.

I don't - and can't - believe for a second that couples who get through this merely act as if it never happened at all. That state of things would tear most people apart - especially, I think, the so-called innocent party .... and I also think that it'd also indicate a very unhealthy balance of power between them, with one person dictating what is and isn't permitted to be spoken about, and one person believing they are somehow entitled to behave badly without any remorse, reconciliation or attempt at explanation.

I think, FWIW, that living like that would drive me, quite literally, to a nervous breakdown in a very short space of time.

I really do think that the pair of you need to go to RELATE or somesuch, but guess that if he doesn't want to talk about it, that's a no-brainer to start with ?

Personally, I would find it difficult enough to regain trust and be affectionate even if we did go through counselling - without it, there's no way I could ever trust the man again. With an attitude like that he is effectively saying that your feelings are worth jack shit - that the only "important" person in the relationship is him. I suspect that at that point any residual feelings I had left (which would have been very sorely tested by the affair) would actually turn into hatred for someone who dismissed me - the mother of his kids remember - so casually and hurtfully.

Surely you deserve better ???

No, I wouldn't. I have given my dh another chance after finding out he had had an affair and we are still together. My children were a big factor in my decision to try again. But if he did it again that would be it. Mainly because it is so difficult and such hard work to try and recover from the hurt caused by an affair and to try to rebuild some sort of relationship that i just couldn't face going through all that again. If he had just not been honest about how long he'd been seeing her for, it may be different, but you say it's been sixth months - which i think is either too much as he's never stopped seeing her as like he has cheated all over again. I'm sorry if that's harsh.

Equally, only you can know your situation and can decide. You shouldn't feel pressured to leave or stay or to rush into making a decision. I really feel for you and wish you lots of luck x

Bloody good post Catsmother.

Forgot to say ..... without getting to the bottom of why he had an affair, those reasons (which you may be oblivious of ATM) will be just as likely to cause him to have an affair again. When you thrash things out, you might not agree with the reasons, but at least you'd know and could then decide where to go from there. Without that knowledge, you are, effectively, simply waiting until the next time .......

And Secur is right - anyone who felt genuine remorse would go out of their way to offer future reassurance, to carry on being secretive and non-communicative is rubbing your nose in it and saying "you can't tell me what to do, I'll do whatever I want". In fact, it is tantamount to saying that "I'm nothing to do with you" which, in any partnership, should ring great big bells.

Catsmother - I completely agree about the reasons for the affair. It won't make what he did okay, mrstt, but it needs to be talked about if there is any chance of him not doing it again and also for you both to come to terms with it and for him to realise the consequences of his actions, particularly upon your feelings.

I thought my dh and I talked before his affair, but afterwards realised maybe we hadn't always done so when needed. We then talked and talked and talked (even though he didn't always want to) and i asked thousands of questions. I don't think he knew at the time why he had an affair, so it was important that he was made to think why and to look at the devastation his actions had caused. Men who do this shouldn't be able to think they can take the easy option and just not talk about it. It's too late for that. I agree with catsmother that not being able to talk about it, i would have had a nervous brerakdown, i don't think i was far off anyway.

You may not feel it now, but you WILL surprise yourself with how strong you can be to survive this and overcome it in which ever way you choose.

Mrstt- I can only tell you my experience from my dh affair and that is we have only survived because we talked and talked and examined every detail of what he did. He also accepted that for a long tiome he's lost his "right" to privacy - phones, where he's going etc because he accepts he abused that right to have his privacy respected when he abused his respect for me.
It is not damaging to go over the details, it does not pull you backwards- it hurts like hell but it makes you both face the facts and try to understand why.
I am so sorry to hear your dh attitude- this is not a man who is sorry for his actions, who thinks he made a mistake- he is the one who now has to go out of his way to try and put the trust back into your marriage- I am the last person to want to say this but he's still living in fantasy land and if he won't recognise he needs help then i'd say you are better off without him. To live with him with his current attitude wil eat you up and swallow all your self esteem. If he wont' talk about it he has no chance of putting it right and he has absolutely no right to say you can't talk about it- head in the sand does not work.
Others who've been through this will say the same- Msmiggins will vouch for where it's heading if he maintains that attitude- it's hard enough to try and trust agin but impossible if he won't recognise the wrong. You desereve better.
Can I suggest you see a counsellor for youself- you will be trying to deal with overwhelming feelings terrifying prospects- counselling can help you think clearly and make you strong enough to make decisions. Take care.