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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you go back to your twice cheating DH?

72 replies

mrstootough · 06/04/2006 14:37

If you found out that you DH had been cheating on your after a very rocky relationship, then you decide to make a go of things to find out another 6 months down the line he is still sleeping with the same woman. Would you take him back?
What if he promises it is over this time and she is no longer working in the same company?

OP posts:
Moomin · 06/04/2006 16:59

Is the fact that she's not working for the same company any more supposed to be an advantage? So your dh thinks he can be faithful as long as she's not under his nose? sorry, I know this must be awful, but your dh has shown no restraint so far.

Is there a chance you can live apart for a little while to give him a taste of what life would be like without you and the kids - and for you to have to space to think? If he can make an extra effort to be a good dh and dad away from the family home and not see this woman then i think i'd be tempted to give it another go if i really loved him and i was sure he loved me.

Piffle · 06/04/2006 17:04

No, not a second time nope....
Infact I'd really struggle with a fist offence. I think I'd understand a one night stand overseas more than a prolonged affair.
If you do consider taking him back, then make him work and earn his way back.

catsmother · 06/04/2006 17:27

I found out my ex was cheating for the second time, with the same woman .... and threw him out. It was like a lightbulb had gone on in my head at that moment and I knew I deserved better, and would never be able to trust him at all ..... trying to trust him the "first" time had been bad enough.

As for taking children to hotel room. Do you mean it was a room you had booked for yourselves, or, that you got an inkling he was up to no good, and tracked him down to this hotel ? Either way, not an ideal situation (kids wise) ....... BUT ..... I do sympathise tremendously and had I been in that self same situation I don't know what I would have done. If you're given a chance to catch an errant partner (who, if typical, has been giving you a load pf insulting bullshit, possibly telling you that you're going mad etc) but you have no one with whom to leave the kids, what do you do ? Some men will lie through their teeth again and again and again, despite things "feeling" very wrong (gut instinct) or, refuse, when asked directly to admit anything and put you out of your misery.

If Mrs TT was in a similar situation I feel that maybe she had no other choice ..... force a conclusion (of sorts) to the mess she was living in, even if the children had to bear witness (and I'll repeat, I know that's far from ideal) or carry on in a situation where she's made to feel mentally ill for "imagining" things.

Feel so sorry for you .... but there is life on the other side believe me.

noddyholder · 06/04/2006 17:29

It sounds to me like he is saying as she isn't there I can't sleep with her and not I am sosorry for what I did and love you so much that it is over.Does this mean he would have carried on with the affair if she had remained at his workplace?I don't think it ever works when the trust has been so broken so I would say no

Callmemadam · 06/04/2006 17:49

NO. Sorry, but NO NO NO. Nothing imho is worth the pain of never trusting him again, eating away at you for the rest of your time together. My parents did that and it ruined our childhood, but worst of all it ruined my mother's life. NO NO NO.

LaSenora · 06/04/2006 17:54

i don't know. if it's the same woman then it's kind of only a one cheat and a one cheat I might well forgive (hope dh doesn't read this!).

do you believe him? does he seem different about it this time?

Uwila · 06/04/2006 18:13

I could never forgive. Not even once. I would take the kids and divorce him in a heartbeat. I wouldn't look back, and I would tell everyone what he had done.

pipsqueak · 06/04/2006 18:19

i did once but would not do so again.sorry for teh rubbish time you are having.

Original poster
mrstootough · 06/04/2006 18:23

The kids were taken into the hotel as I had no where to leave them. I had drove round where I live and seen his car outside this hotel and went in. I know it was wrong to take the kids but they did not see anything everyone was fully clothed. He says that even if she did stil work in the same company it would have been over. Just lucky last Friday was her last day and she lives a good 30 miles away,but her family live in our town and she goes out down here every other week.

OP posts:
overdraft · 06/04/2006 18:29

My husband cheated last year and i really feel for you and know what you are going through.
What was he like towards you when he got found out the first time? He says " glad it is over the kids mean more". you have to mean more.It has to be because you both want to make it work for each other.
The answer to your question though is NO I am afraid .Sorry it is probaly not what you want to hear

ggglimpopo · 06/04/2006 18:31

Good luck with whatever you decide.

wannaBe1974 · 06/04/2006 18:33

So, if he said this affair was over, what was he doing with her in a hotel room on Saturday? If you hadn’t caught them together do you honestly think he’d have ever ended the affair? Once I might forgive, dependent on the circumstances, but if he said it was over and then blatantly kept seeing her he’s maintained the lie and imo you can’t trust him. I have a friend who went through something similar, to the extent that her h moved out and swore he was trying very hard to mend their relationship, they sold their house because he wanted to “make a fresh start”, moved into a rented house and three weeks later he told her that he was still thinking about the other woman, although swore blind that he hadn’t been seeing her. She felt unable to trust him and moved out, a month later her DS told her that he had been having a woman to stay over while he was visiting, turned out that the h rang the other woman on the night she moved out and they’ve been together ever since, imo he was seeing her all along. This went on for best part of two years.

redbull · 06/04/2006 18:34

I dont think you are to blame for taking the kids with you, like i was employing earlier you went thinking rationaly try not to beat your self up over it if he hadnt of been cheating then your kids wouldnt of came with you, dont let him turn the blame around be strong for you and your children xx redbull

Original poster
mrstootough · 06/04/2006 18:35

Thanks everyone. I only hope he means it and when I go back to work at the week end on night duty he is not sitting talking to her on the phone, texting or e-mailing her as before.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrstootough · 06/04/2006 18:38

It was suppose to be over last Sept but I always had my suspicions and last Tuesday night he went out after a row and stayed out all night. He would not tell me who he was with. ON Sat morning we has another row on the phone. He had went out to go to work but when I phones him he said he was down town. My mind started working overtime that is why I lifted the kids and went out to loook for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrstootough · 06/04/2006 18:42

I cannot say I have been totally innocent as I had put him through years of hell after both births when I suffered postnatal depression. At the beginning of last year I had been texting my old fiancee from years gone by as I need someone to talk to. I also had spoke a few times to one of his mates but I had never been unfaithful in the 16 years we have been together.

OP posts:
redbull · 06/04/2006 18:44

you have every right to be suspesious of him (excuse the spelling!Blush)
im not going to say chuck him out or give it another go only you know how you are feeling and if you do decide to stick to it maybe you should get counceling like relate or something but just make sure and explain to him that his treading on very thin ice and he needs to start being on his best behavior and treat you with the respect and love you need to know hes not doing it for the kids but for you because he loves you.

shellybelly · 06/04/2006 19:17

no probably not (if there were no kids involved) however I don't think anyone can really comment unless its happened to them, one thing i do know is I would definitely confront the woman,

oops having not read your full thread and reading that you caught them!! if you have the strength to I would leave, I mean where is the trust now???, and you deserve much more

catsmother · 06/04/2006 23:32

"I cannot say I have been totally innocent as I had put him through years of hell after both births when I suffered postnatal depression"

Rubbish !!!! In that respect at least (not knowing you of course) you are absolutely innocent. You didn't choose to have PND, you didn't acquire it to p* him off .... it is an illness which no-one wants, or deserves.

He chose to have an affair, he chose to lie, to take things that extra bit further, when he could have backed off.

You are not to blame for his behaviour because you were ill.

eidsvold · 07/04/2006 01:03

nope.

chipmonkey · 07/04/2006 01:30

No, he's a lying cheating, no-gooder. Get out.

Uwila · 07/04/2006 11:18

I'm sorry. Am I reading too much into this statement or did you just say it is your fault because you had PND? Shock

"I cannot say I have been totally innocent as I had put him through years of hell after both births when I suffered postnatal depression..."

Bugsy2 · 07/04/2006 11:30

It would be too easy for us to say, no don't take him back, as you have given so little information as to the rest of your circumstances.
Trust has to be earned, so he would have to show you that he was trustworthy. Couples counselling would probably be a really good idea.
Post-natal depression is an illness, not something you get to deliberately torture your husband with! It is a time when you need your husband to stand by you and show you that he supports & loves you - not start shagging around with someone from the office.
Most important, is do you still love him? Do you want to be with him? What is his relationship like with the children?
There are lots of things to think about. Don't rush yourself. Take your time & remember you can call the shots with this now. Let him know that you are considering whether or not to call it a day or whether you will let him stay.
Big hugs to you - been here & it is not a good place to be.

SomethingAboutMary · 07/04/2006 11:37

No way!

Once a cheat always a cheat i believe!

expatinscotland · 07/04/2006 11:40

you asked, so i'll tell. nope. not in a million years. i've had PND twice. IMO, cheating on someone when they're ill is just kicking them when they're down. that's low life behaviour.