Ex has apparently lost his job and new g.f and it is all my fault...

[ATourchOfInsanity]

Had a text this morning from DD's father to say that due to stress (from him refusing to pay CSA and insisting on us going to tribunal) I have now "got everything I wanted" and he has lost his job.

In another message he said that the CSA had called his boss on holiday and threatened legal action. I haven't had a chance to call them today but was wondering what everyone on here thinks is behind this? Due to his compulsive lies in the past I am a bit skeptical that he has actually lost his job and wonder if him and his boss (drinking partners) have come up with a way to avoid CSA - I can't see why else CSA would ring his boss and threaten legal action?

I will be ringing them first thing on Monday, but any advice would be great. He has been quite mean to me today and I am feeling confused and low.

Funnily enough I did say I would be counting his texts as harassment about a month ago as he refused to talk about DD at all (has made a point of not asking after her for 11 months) and I said then that unless it was about DD I didn't want to know.

I guess that he thought this new twist was relevant.

So we think I will still get the same amount next month?

Could you do it legally e.g. a solicitors letter requesting him not to contact you except for issues except those to do with your daughter? You showed him some sympathy and he attacked you for that. Engaging with him for any other reason sounds like it is causing you real mental distress and confusion (which of course is why he does it). Also, if you are worried about any future court action by him esp. as you say he is a compulsive liar, you could save all his mobile/text messages to your computer (to show what a troublemaker he really is).

Who knows?

Sorry to not be more helpful but one thing I learned after years and years of involvement with the CSA was that you can't rely on it at all. :(

Sorry I didn't see Bogeyface's etc earlier advice saying similar thing.

This kind of thing is exactly why maintenance payments stopped being included in benefit assessments. My cousin had to claim for a while after her ex left and at that point they took it into account, so because he should have been paying £X they would pay her £12 a week to make it up to the minimum she needed to live on. Except he didnt pay, and he kept moving jobs so that DEO's never caught up with him, so for months she was having to live on CB and £12 a week! Thankfully, he buggered off to America so the claim was cancelled and she got full benefits.

Even with DEO, what you should get and what you actually get are often 2 wildly different things.

You are keeping all of his texts (and yours) aren't you??

Of course it's all your fault, it couldn't possibly be his could it!?!

Try not to get upset by him, he's an ex for a reason. Make a list of all the things you need to know/do/organise tomorrow then forget about it, don't let it ruin today. Do something nice with DD.

I think once the tribunal is over I will simply ignore him, or maybe even block his number. He has made it clear he sees himself as 'merely a donor' and hasn't any desire to see DD. I just need to get to next month and ensure he is going to at least pay a little for her, and then he can get out of our lives. Trouble is every time CSA need to contact him he seems to think I have been stirring something. I really just wanted him to be a bit responsible and pay for his DD and then see her regularly. But he clearly doesn't want to do either and is going to drag us all through whatever he can to avoid it. I hate this niggling feeling that he is changing the boundaries all of the time, that I am being kept on my toes.

Going out for a walk with DD now, and try to stop thinking of his reasons and amount of effort he is going through to stop his daughter having any funds :(

Leave it to CSS.
Don't send him any text or reply to any text unless it is an answere to a question like "what time should I pick up dd and where? "

Don't reply to any text before asking yourself - does this involve me?
Does it require a yes or no answer? is this about dd ? Is it something I can respond to factually ?

Don't explain your feelings to him and ignore his feelings. His problem not yours.

(but congratulate yourself on your amazing powers to control someone.s life including their love life, wow !!! )

Or you could say "I can recommend a good therapist " and repeat.

And fund a way t not rely on his contributions.

Cest I don't message him about anything. He only asked for a pic of DD after 11 months last week, so I thought something must have changed. I never get emotional with him as he thrives on it, he actually said in one message "you don't even feel guilty, do you?" which shows clearly how he wants me to feel.

His payments cover DD going to nursery for 2 days a week and literally nothing else. I have been using this time (she only started last month!) to catch up on housework and prepare for the tribunal. I have also had two moles removed which were possibly cancerous - get the results this week. So it's not as if I haven't been using my time wisely. It is the only time I get to myself as I only have my dad as family, who we see once a month and no siblings.

I just feel he is going to get away with this and I won't see a penny. It scares me, but I can do it. Just might take away some of my sanity!

Thought I should update as spoke to CSA today.

Lady said they had no record of calling his boss but had had the DD for the DEO cancelled by him. She said she thinks I will get this month's funds but not next month. She seemed a little skeptical too as it coincides with the times of the tribunal and said between the two of us she wouldn't be surprised if he gets re-employed the week or so after it is held as she has seen this done before. Presumably because they hope it will make the tribunal lenient on the man?

So I am going to ride it out and see what happens next month. Frustrating living like this though as I need to cancel the nursery a month in advance so I don't get charged, but then will be charged if they have to re-submit her if the payments suddenly start again...grrrr!