Ex has apparently lost his job and new g.f and it is all my fault...

[ATourchOfInsanity]

Had a text this morning from DD's father to say that due to stress (from him refusing to pay CSA and insisting on us going to tribunal) I have now "got everything I wanted" and he has lost his job.

In another message he said that the CSA had called his boss on holiday and threatened legal action. I haven't had a chance to call them today but was wondering what everyone on here thinks is behind this? Due to his compulsive lies in the past I am a bit skeptical that he has actually lost his job and wonder if him and his boss (drinking partners) have come up with a way to avoid CSA - I can't see why else CSA would ring his boss and threaten legal action?

I will be ringing them first thing on Monday, but any advice would be great. He has been quite mean to me today and I am feeling confused and low.

Large pinch of salt needed. Of course it's a tissue of lies - there's no way the CSA called his boss, either on holiday or at any other time.

How did you manage the double whammy of losing him his new gf too?

Honey sorry for you I have been there and done that with my EX who did take it to tribunal , he lost , they your ex and his boss sound like they are concoting a story to scare you off , trust me HE can not win the CSA take no prisoners , it is HIS legal right to pay you child maintenance, hang in there it may be tough going but trust me it will be worth it in the end ,good plan for you to phone the CSA I found then really helpful and my EX worked abroad but they still managed to get the money from him, some people will go to any lengths to get out of paying it will work out for you.

Say nothing.

Or if you're a passive aggressive bitch like me who couldn't help myself send: "Oh goodness, what a shame. So terribly sorry for you."

And thus proving that he's your EX for a very good reason.

He did it to all to himself, if he'd coughed up the csa wouldn't have rung his boss. As for the gf, clearly she's good taste in getting rid

The CSA DO call bosses or HR if someone cancels the direct debit in order to set up a deduction from earnings order. They had to do this recently with my ex and his reaction was to threaten to quit.

I think you should try not to engage with him over it (hard) in response to my ex's "wah wah, paying the £2k arrears means they are effectively forcing me out of my job" text I just said that would be his choice but he would still have the arrears hanging over his head and CSA had powers to cease his stuff and that it would likely ruin his employability and he'd have to remember the benefits landscape has recently changed and that he may not qualify for any benefits since his partner works, that if he did he'd likely have to get another (crapper) job or do unpaid work or be sanctioned, they'd have to move to a smaller house etc. then said I didn't want to discuss it anymore but was disappointed he wanted to go to those lengths to deny responsibility for his children.

He didn't quit.

Seize not cease

izzy they called him before as EXP kept hanging up on them, so they had to go via his work. It's quite a small company and their main base is in Spain.

Just got the tribunal date for next month through and was thinking that finally it might all be drawing to a conclusion - been waiting since July - but he says now "we are literally going to Court over nothing. I have nothing left."

I was told before he is 6k in debt due to legal fees for tribunal (also my fault) and know he is living in London. I was wondering if, as I assume he will have to do apparently having no savings, he signs on for benefits/living allowances, the CSA get told? If nothing goes via NI then surely that is a flag for tax evasion?

Or am I just massively over thinking this?

Don't respond. Don't do anything. It's not your problem, it's his.

And also this: Awwww, poor diddums. Not.

"Congratulations, you've finally completely destroyed my life"

I'm not sure if this is correct now but 9 years the non payer did have the opportunity to negotiate how much they could pay back the arrears. It is also worth remembering that he has arrears because he has defaulted on his payments which are not your fault.

Maybe his girlfriend dumped him as she realised he may be an arse (obviously I don't know him and he may not be one)

• 9 years ago

Two weeks ago she was the love of his life and AMAZING and they were going to spend the rest of their life together and it was going to be AMAZING.

Paraphrasing slightly but the caps were all there.

I imagine she found out about DD or he did his usual insulting her friends and lying to her trick.

I now understand why he suddenly wanted pics of DD after not asking about her for 11 months... I knew something was afoot!

"Congratulations, you've finally completely destroyed my life"

Nope, he did that all by himself. If he had stepped up and paid for his child then there wouldn't be a problem.

Ignore, ignore, ignore

You can normally negotiate arrears payments to a certain amount, they aren't allowed to put you in hardship and they normally want arrears paid up in a max of two years I have been told.

Even if you have ignored and avoided them then they try to accommodate you but you have to speak to them and explain yourself... If you ignore them they set the amounts and dictate the times they think reasonable.

Well CSA actually said they saw no issue (he is not denying she is his daughter) and have taken back payment and the last 2 months regular amount already.

Does he start accruing more for the months he is apparently out of work? How do they work that amount out? And repossessing his things?! Really? Not sure it would be his, more likely things belonging to his g.f. Actually it is telling that I don't even believe he has split up with her, I think he is trying to bundle all of it together just to make me feel crap.

Sorry to post again, just confused. I googled about him losing his job and CSA payments and it seems he has to continue with the payments? Is this right? He's been saying "now we both get nothing" and I rely on his money to put DD into nursery for 2 days a week - was assuming next month I would have to take her out.... Sorry if I am being stupid, just hard when I can't speak to them to find out

Yes he has to continue paying the CSA can seize ALL his assets if he stops dont worry the law is on you and your dh side , he has no choice but to pay regular payments to you it is the law.

Don't respond to him at all. Just keep on keeping on.

I would imagine that he and his boss - if they are very good friends - are trying to work out a way where he works for them and is not declared.
This won't work in the long term.

In fact, if he and his boss are trying to fix a way for him to work undeclared, you can tell HMRC about your suspicions

search2.hmrc.gov.uk/kb5/hmrc/contactus/view.page?record=tRNNy6edopA

Personally, I'd dob the so-and-so in.

I am guessing the amount will change though? I am just wondering what to tell the nursery really. Do I just keep going and hope the amount doesn't change?

Am not at all surprised he has his boss wrapped around his little finger, but surprised his boss is willing to be investigated to help him out. I am aware of other tax issues he hasn't declared (my ex had a boasting streak and thought it was showy to tell me these things) so am tempted to dob...but it's not really my style. Although it might be depending on how much I get with him 'out of work'.

If he isn't working and is in debt, surely people must wonder how ex is paying rent? If he doesn't sign on it looks v. suspicious, right?

I think you should not engage.

If you want to reply, I suggest no ringing him (as you may be drawn into his drama) so perhaps email or letter, and state simply that all you want is the CSA payments for his children and you would like to know when he will start doing the right thing towards the children.

I did reply by text yesterday to say I didn't see how it was my fault as it is his life and his choices, but was sorry for him and hoped he sorted himself out soon. He went on and on sending about 6 texts in total. His last asked me to leave him alone and 'let me try to get my life back together'. So I am happy not to engage further now. He always starts these things, tells me to stop messaging him (usually when I only message once and he does loads) and then I stop and he starts the whole circle again a few weeks later. I would ask him to stop messaging me, but am worried he will take this to Court as me not enabling him access or whatever to his daughter.

Access is seperate from financial issues so has no bearing on the tribunal. If you think he may try to take you to court re: access then text him that in order to discuss DD (and NOTHING ELSE) then he may contact you at a new email address you have set up for this purpose. And inform him that if he continues sending abusive texts you will consider it harrassment and may be informing the police.

The CSA can threaten legal action if a company refuses to comply with a deduction from earnings order, as they did with my ex when his sympathetic boss "lost" the paperwork.