anyone who has left an emotionally/physically abusive partner, do you feel it was worth it?

[yummytummy]

hi, have been in a very unpleasant relationship for some time but recently it is getting worse. there isnt even one day without some kind of abuse whether its a little dig or sarcastic comment or a shove or whatever. i feel like i cant breathe and that i am worthless, fat, crap etc etc and whatever else i get called. i just realised he has never really ever said anything nice for a really long time. we just coexist he never wants to spend time with me, watch tv with me or eat dinner together its awful. whenever i try to talk about it i get shouted at or called another name or that i am too sensitive clingy and needy.

anyway we have 2 young dc's and am just wondering if anyone who has left with little ones and found that they were ok after the initial upheavel of splitting up.

i have invested so much of myself in him but i feel like there is nothing left of me. i dont really get any emotional support whatsoever only financial but thats it. i feel so low and hated and dont want to live this way anymore.

i would like to think he would change or improve but deep down i know that wont happen.

anyone who has left where did you start and was it worth it in the long run and were your dc's if any ok?

thanks

Worth it in the short, medium and long term...wish I'd done it years ago. DCs are both fine. Everyone's much happier. It's not a walk in the park leaving any relationship...and takes a while to adjust...but you will more than cope...you'll find yourself again...
If you've got a chance, maybe start with a plan including finances. Plus confide in someone in RL that you trust, if that's going to be possible (your mum, sister or brother, good friend etc if you can).
Can you get him to move out?

I did it 5 years ago, after 3 years of a horrendous relationship with lots of emotional abuse and some physical abuse. for so long I thought it was my fault and this is as good as it gets and he 'was good for me really'. I wanted to leave for the last year but felt I didn't have the strength and for some reason thought I had to 'prove' beyond doubt his cheating, lying etc. He had control over me mentally and physically. Each time I tried to leave he turned up at my work, my gym, wherever I went and made such a scene I allowed him back just to calm the situation. One day something snapped, I found out he cheated more and something inside took hold and gave me strength. As soon as I stood up to him and i mean really stood up to him he ran - never ever heard or seen him since!

I know we didn't haven't DCs but regardless leaving was amazingly powerful for me but I plummetted emotionally after and really focused on rebuilding myself. Now 5 years on I look at my wonderful, wonderful DH our beautiful DS and my little bump in my belly and without doubt it was worth it! Changed me as a person but I think for the better.

Best wishes OP. x

Hi Yummytummy,

I left my emotionally abusive husband in January and life has never been better. I can relate to feeling that there is nothing left of you when you're in that kind of damaging relationship. I had been made to feel completely worthless and my self-esteem was on the floor. I have two young children and for a long time used them as my reason not to leave. Eventually though I just snapped and decided to go. I don't kinow why I decided that particular day that enough was enough but I thank God every day that I did.

Of course it was horrible at the time and he was incredibly nasty and very angry with me but I got lots of support from friends and family and the lovely ladies here on mn and we got through it. He finally moved out in the summer and life is so good. After being so worried about my dc's reaction, they were actually fine with it. I encourage them to see plenty of their dad and they have their happy fun mum back rather than the desperately sad person I had become who spent all my time walking on eggshells. More importantly, they will now grow up knowing that you dont have to allow anyone to treat you badly and you can always walk away with your head held high. Now they are surrounded by positive relationships in the form of grandparents, aunts and uncles and good friends and I can see them thriving from this change.

I know that its so hard to make the decision. I spent a long time while still married reading the emotionally abusive realtionship threads on here and always felt a little pang of jealousy when someone left and reclaimed their lives for themselves and their children. But these people who did this are just like you and me and you absolutely have the strength to do this. You'll not be alone and once the initial challenges of the split are passed then you can close the door on your own house with just you and your dc and live the kind of life you want to live. You deserve that kind of life and noone has the right to take it from you.

Whatever you decide (and I absolutely urge you to go) please keepm posting on here. You are not alone and you can get through this.

Yes, best thing I have ever done. In the process I lost my sister, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a lot of friends (ex is very manipulative). I had to live in a woman's refuge and was homeless for over a year, had to get a restraining order against him and 4 years later still have to go through court because of him but if I had to chose I'd do it all over again rather than stay in the relationship.

'i have invested so much of myself in him but i feel like there is nothing left of me'

I felt like this too. I saw my friends getting on with their lives and having a lovely time and I was petrified that if he wasn't in my life anymore, no-one else would be interested in me and I would be stuck at home with too much time to think. Honestly OP, getting rid of him was like coming out of prison - I was overwhelmed by freedom and my friends all rallied round and were really keen to see me now he wasn't there any more. The freedom to walk down a street without looking over your shoulder, not feeling sick everytime you get a text or the phone rings, feeling physically safe - you cannot put a price on those things.

You are worth so much more than this. And don't underestimate the effect of this on your children. You can do it. Loads of support on here so please do keep posting.

"a shove or whatever. "

Once it goes past emotional and gets physical it tends to escalate, unfortunately. Always gradual, rarely in noticeable leaps... I'd suggest that you contact Womens Aid, solicitors, CAB and other people that can guide you out of the relationship successfully. And if there is more 'shoving'... call the police.

absoloutely 100% YES!!

do it. get out. BREATHE again. be yourself freely and without restriction from someone else's moods and personal hang ups.

i have never regretted leaving my ex. not for 1 second. you deserve to be free from this.

Yes! It's truly much better on the other side. It's the difference between dragging yourself through the days and having a proper life. Ex is still a pain in the arse - making false allegations about me to social services, dragging me back to court etc - but oh, how wonderful it is to close my door and know that he can't get at me and DD.

For me, the hardest stage was the whole should I-shouldn't I leave - when you actually do go, the momentum carries you through.

When I was with him, on my way to and from work I used to count the magpies ("one for sorrow, two for joy") as if they could give me clues about what kind of mood he would be in. He was an ever-present dread at the back of my mind, if when he wasn't there. It has freed up so much of my energy and mental space now that I don't have to brace myself for him walking in the door every day. I am far more present to DD these days too.

I'm on the EA support thread too, join us, you will be very welcomed, its really good and I sometimes feel like the ladies supporting me on there are saving my life. I have received so much good advice and support on that thread, it keeps me going tbh.

I'm currently trapped in an emotional, physical, financial and sexual abusive relationship. Have been for 13 years-with the financial and sexual abuse only recently happening. So you know....the abuse does get worse, they just move on to different areas of abuse when they don't gain enough control from the ones they are already experts in I am working through my escape plan, hoping me and my two DC (3yrs and 18mths) will be free by the new year and starting to rebuild a happy life for the three of us.

Stay strong, stay safe, detach, build a secret plan and fly to a better life, a life you and your DC deserve. Hopefully see you on the EA support thread too. Take care x

yes, yes, yes 1000x yes.
And his next two girlfriends would emphatically say yes too (just in case you are in any doubt that it is him)

Just to add to my previous post (incase it sounded too doom and gloom), although I went to hell and back to get rid of ex, my life is so much better now. I've never been as happy as I am now. I no longer need to take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication, I have an amazing relationship with my son who is such a happy little boy, I've met a wonderful man who I love more than anything and we're planning our wedding right now, I've just graduated from university with an honors degree and we're expecting a little one to join our family too.

I can confidently predict that leaving will be one of the best decisions you ever make.

Yes.Just over 4 years ago. Agonising time. But so so so worth it. It was like a massive boulder being lifted off my chest and now I can be me again.

It's now 8 years now since I left my emotionally and occasionally physically abusive exh and I can say with my hand on my heart I've never regretted it even for a moment. At the time my children were 4 and a year.

You'll be amazed how much better you feel and how quickly, even making the decision felt like a weight being lifted off my shoulders. 2 months after leaving I was dancing and laughing at my sister's wedding and my mum came over and hugged me saying it was just so wonderful that she had her daughter back. That was only the start of a long process but you are still in there and you will start to feel more and more like yourself as time goes on.

Don't get me wrong it's a hard slog trying to negotiate and reach agreements on your seperation with a person who is totally unreasonable even in every day circumstance and you will need all the support you can get. My best friend who exh stopped me from being in contact with raced to my side, real friends will understand and not judge a period of seperation and my family were just relieved after years of seeing me go through horrid times and not feeling they could say anything.

I can sympathise with the paralysis of not knowing when to leave ir if it's bad enough, this sounds awful writing it down and I don't intend to belittle anyone who suffered worse physical abuse than me but I used to hope for him to full on hit me so I could point to an incident and say that was why. When I look back now I realise that any average day was sufficient and I didn't need a reason, though there was one in the end though not hitting me (he also liked a shove). In the end I just told him to leave and was resolute once I'd made the decision desipte the week in rehab, visits from the police and threats to kill himself. It seems to be quite common to expect a level of total surprise, shock and further emotional manipulation but stay strong and once he realises that won't change your mind and it's not working he will come to terms with it.

I spent a lot of the last 8 years single which was not only necessary but really enjoyable, having fun with my dcs, friends and some not too serious boyfriends. My children adapted brilliantly, they are healthy and happy, are thriving at school and are funny and confident. Not sure I'd recommend this to everyone but I'm still very much in touch with exh and his family and am very good friends with his new partner who is lovely but sadly experiencing a lot of the things that I did. We share their care about 60(me)/40 and though they ask why we are no longer together I've always stuck to the line of we argued too much and we were happier apart as we didn't want them to be unhappy too.

I'm now with a wonderful dp who is kind, considerate, funny and generally wonderful, I'm expecting my 3rd child next year and am taking dcs out on Saturday to tell them they will be having a new brother or sister, I really couldn't be happier.

it is hard and if you have been told you are useless, worthless and no one else would put up for you for years, then it's hard to make the break but it can be done

I've been single for 3 years now -am I happy? honestly, not really no -I have trust issues which means I'm lonely, I'm so good at putting up walls and pretending I'm coping that people think I am, and then I beat myself up fr not having enough money, house not being tidy enough etc (I work full time with 2 dcs so I do my best but I still feel bad that I can't give them all the things they had when we were together)

am I happier than I was when I was with twatface the ex?

1,000,000% yes!

I can relax in my own home, I can experiment with food and cook what I want, I can sit in the living room and talk to the DCs without being told to 'fuck off, I'm watching tv and I can't hear for all your crap'
I don't have to go without meals so that he can eat the branded stuff he insisted on, regardless of how much money we had to spend, I can sleep without being harassed

the DCs can have friends round which they never did when he was here, the whole house is now their home as opposed to being relegated to the conservatory playroom, they spend more time just having cuddles with mum , they see more of their grandparents as they were never made welcome previously

do I regret the split?

no

Yes I got out and it truly was the turning point for me. It's so difficult to pull yourself out but the sheer relief when you do is amazing, as is the freedom to be you

MaggieMay good luck with your escape plan, I wish you all the best. x

Yes it was totally worth it. I was lucky enough to have a job that wanted me abroad for a week. I had been so downtrodden emotionally for so long that I had "lost" me. In the company of kind, outgoing people I suddenly realised that, for that week, the "old" me was back with a vengence and I ended soon after.

Have now been happily married for 13years with someone who values and loves me for who I am, I can totally be myself and I look forward to our future.

Just think of all the exciting things you will have to look forward to, good luck!

Another vote for 'do it'. Like ladybrady, I just snapped one day and couldn't carry on taking the emotional, verbal and low-level physical abuse (also things like you describe - a shove here, a hard poke in the arm there). I left with my six-year-old and my five-month-old baby. That was six months ago, and I have never regretted it. NSDH is still trying to change, getting counselling, etc, but really, in six months, there's been nothing that gives real cause to suspect that I'll be getting back with him.

It's reeeeeally hard at the beginning, your emotions are all over the place. But it does get better. And the freedom you get is worth it. And knowing the your kids are safe and happy and don't have to witness the constant arguing and shouting (from him, not me...) is priceless.

Call Women's Aid and see what they advise for you. Take that next step.

As Shakey says, a short time outside your normal environment is a real eye-opener.

After I left, I remember thinking how strange it was to be around people who seemed to like me and think I was okay. It's hard to explain what it's like to constantly feel that you're never, ever good enough, that things you do and say with the best of intentions will be misinterpreted and used against you. Abusive men keep you so confused and exhausted that you can't think straight, because deep down they know that if you do start thinking straight, you won't choose to live like this any more.

Weird, isn't TisI? And so sad that the person whom you love and is meant to love you has treated you like that and made you feel that way about yourself.

hi thanks for all the replies. am happy to hear things have worked out well for so many. no one else could really understand fortunately/unfortunately for me any friends i try to talk to in rl have 'normal' partners whatever that is and cant really relate.

agree with the feeling of never being good enough and never knowing when what i do or say will be taken and thrown back at me with a little extra nastiness.

am still believing its me, i make him angry etc etc but deep down i know it isnt true. that even if i did do x, y or z or was somehow 'better' then he wouldnt have to act like this. but its hard not to believe when you hear it enough times

just v hard as have been job hunting with no luck for last year and ideally wanted to have a job then be in a stronger position to leave. also his behaviour has been so much worse since i have been at home. money is power and since i am not earning i dont have any. more ways to control me. more things to complain i am not good enough at housework etc etc.

he def would never move out of 'his house' but appparantly i am welcome to leave as i wont ever find anyone else as gd as him etc etc esp as i am so fat.

just hate feeling hated. he will never ever initiate sex as i am too fat but if i ever do just to feel an ounce of love then its not as if he cant so am obv not too fat then am i?

aargh helps to get it out. still feel like i could never actually leave tho but know cant live like this. just dont want to mess up the dc's lives.

I'm happier and DS is thriving.

I think deep down he's sad that dad is not around, but we have calmer, more sociable lives.

What Leclerc just said. With bells on.

Mine also said he wouldn't move out, it was 'his house'. So in the end I left. I thought it would be awful leaving my 'home' and all my stuff, but turned out it wasn't as bad as I thought. I have a new (rented) home now, and I'm actually happy here.
There will never be a right/good time financially/job-wise/child-wise. But the longer you stay, the more ground down you will get. Save yourself from that.