anyone who has left an emotionally/physically abusive partner, do you feel it was worth it?

[yummytummy]

hi, have been in a very unpleasant relationship for some time but recently it is getting worse. there isnt even one day without some kind of abuse whether its a little dig or sarcastic comment or a shove or whatever. i feel like i cant breathe and that i am worthless, fat, crap etc etc and whatever else i get called. i just realised he has never really ever said anything nice for a really long time. we just coexist he never wants to spend time with me, watch tv with me or eat dinner together its awful. whenever i try to talk about it i get shouted at or called another name or that i am too sensitive clingy and needy.

anyway we have 2 young dc's and am just wondering if anyone who has left with little ones and found that they were ok after the initial upheavel of splitting up.

i have invested so much of myself in him but i feel like there is nothing left of me. i dont really get any emotional support whatsoever only financial but thats it. i feel so low and hated and dont want to live this way anymore.

i would like to think he would change or improve but deep down i know that wont happen.

anyone who has left where did you start and was it worth it in the long run and were your dc's if any ok?

thanks

You will mess up your children's lives if you stay!

I'm out almost 2 years. I was one of the original posters on the Support for Emotional Abused threads.

I can't tell you how wonderful my life is these days, as hoRrific as it once was, it's now a million times more happy, bright, loving and wonderful that I ever dared dream.

Life's not just greener on the other side love, it's technicolour.

Leave this twat, yesterday if possible! Each day longer you leave it, is another day wasted, one you'll actually berate yourself for.

That's OK, and to be expected, but we're here to help you through that bit. We were all there, we made it. So will you!

I did it. It is the bravest, hardest thing i have ever had to do but i knew i HAD to do it. I moved to my parents house (i was lucky to have that option) with my one year old and nothing else. 2 weeks before Christmas.
There will never be a right time. The morning we left, he wasnt even at his worst, no big fight, nothing. I had had enough and had to go. The past year since i left has been a bloody nightmare but you WILL get there.

Yes even to the point it was worth living in a refuge for 4 months and dd has changed school 3 times since reception now. It was the most gigantic weight that got lifted from me and I was only with him for 6months so cannot imagine how it much years and years of stress would feel to go. It was/now is freedom.

I left 6 weeks ago with an almost 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. I have no regrets, even though I'm sure he thinks one day I will realise I made a mistake.
I haven't. I have the freedom to go wherever I want, spend what I want, not have a 3rd manchild to faff around after.
I didn't realise how much I was suffering physical effects of stress til the migraines stopped after leaving. I feel relaxed and not constantly on a short fuse as a result of walking on eggshells around him or trying to pre-empt his temper erupting.
Leave. As others have said, it is very hard. But I couldn't imagine letting my dc grow up thinking our marriage was normal and that the way he treated me was acceptable.

matchsticks, thats it really dont want ds to think that thats how to treat a partner.

the thing is i am not controlled financially, have my own savings plus free access to the joint account am not stopped from going anywhere or doing anything. this is why i then think is it really bad enough to go? which it is i guess. that typical eggshells feeling constantly is horrible.

and silly things like he had in a rare normal moment asked what i had wanted for my birthday i had done a list then when he was next in a stress said 'and forget that gift crap' and threw it in the bin. its very sad i know but i dont have many friends and for me birthdays are a big thing and there really isnt anyone else i can ask to buy a present for me so if not him there will be nothing. dc's are too small as yet. i know it may seem minor but am so upset about not having a bday present and i know it doesnt mean he feels for me or whatever but dammit i want a bday present on my bday!

anyway am still trying to gather strength and info. am also worried as he always threatens i wouldnt get the kids but as far as i know most times mothers get custody right? esp if sahm and main caregiver. also he has v long hours so wouldnt be able to care for them in the week anyway.

YummyTummy Iv'e got an amazing book that you'll read and go omg thats me omg thats him. Cannot remember the name of it but PM me and I'll post it to you. got giving it in the refuge and it was really really eye opening.

Birthdays were an issue for me too. He used to only just remember to get a card and sometimes write it on the morning of my birthday when I'd got up first. He'd say "It's just a day, why are you making such a big deal of it?" Because it's my fucking birthday!
InNeed do you mean Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft?

yummy, there is no scale of justification that you need to reach before you can say 'yes, it's ok to leave now'. The basics are: if you are really unhappy and you don't see that things can get better, then it's ok to want to leave that situation, both for yourself and your children.

They all have moments when they seem normal - but to us, that normality seems like he's amazing, because it's so different to usual, and we are so relieved he's not being his usual FW self. But that doesn't make everything else better, it really doesn't. (as he himself proved...) He should be making you feel special on your birthday, not the exact opposite and making her feel shit.

They also all seem to say about them having custody of the kids. Haven't heard of it happening yet. Yes, he'll get contact times with them, but they'll live with you. I am 100% sure of that. A lawyer is essential for this.

So, so, SO worth it.

I did it 9 years ago. The weight which was lifted from my shoulders the second I made the decision made me wonder why I hadn't got rid of the violent, abusive bastard done it years before.

He's still emotionally and verbally abusive and incredibly bitter and manipulative, even so far down the line. But I couldn't give a shit now :o

The DC are doing fine. And I am about to marry the loveliest man who ever walked the planet.

Yes matchsticks! thats the one, OP it shows you you are not making it up/imagining it worse, it is happening and you can get out.

100%. I put up with what you described for five years. I was isolated, had no family near or friends because he wouldn't allow me to have them. I left one night after he was arrested for attacking me in front of our then three year old.
It was difficult, I had abuse from him and his family and my self confidence was on the floor after him chipping away at it. But I KNEW I was doing the right thing for my child, which is what kept me going. I didn't want him to grow up thinking that sort of behaviour was normal, as my ex had - his father treated his mother the same way and she never left, she just put up with it. I remember telling her once when he had hurt me, we weren't close but I was desperate. She laughed and said I needed to learn to fight back, she always did.

Life is so much better now, I met an amazing man who adores and respects me, and is a positive role model for my son and our baby. Leaving, though hard at the time and for a good while afterwards, was the singular best decision I ever made.

Good luck.

Hi I am another regular of the ea thread on here and let me tell you - it is a life and sanity saver. Because all the stupid cruelty is insiduous, we're left feeling it may just be us etc, but when you see other really lovely worthwhile people like my thread mates having the same crap thrown at them from their abusive OHs, you realise it's not you and you are being abused. The validation is amazing and it gives you the strength to start digging that escape tunnel. Mine is nearly complete Also telling selected people in rl is very liberating and reassuring. Feeling so alone and without hope is so awful, it leaves you unable to act. But support in rl and seeing others experience the same on here and then getting out is a massive boost.

Good luck, we're here with you all the way.

I left a abusive relationship no way is it easy its very hard. My ex use to hit me make me feel worthless then make me sleep with him. And minpulate me into having sex with him (if i didnt have sex he would hit me more). My daughter would have loads of tantraums she would also hit me. If she cried or got in a mood when he was around i would give into her. I lost myself and my friends. I had no one no one who cared. I left a year sgo i did go back to him once for a month he didnt change he got worse well he didnt ger worse i just knew my daughter and i deserved better. Its the best thing i did. My daughter doesnt hit out as much it has got loads better.

You can leave you dont need him you will do great on your own. Find yourself. I am so much more confident my daughter and i couldnt be happier. I found my paranting style and myself again Its fantastic. It took work i am still working on my issues but they have improved loads. Phone womans aid they are great to talk to. Its not your fault he does this to you dont blame yourself blame him. He chooses to do those things you dont make him at all. You can be happy again.

Ha funny that Ive stumbled across this thread as I was just sat watching the end of a film and having a "my God this is what life feels like" moment.

I feel as though I am finally free. I wake up every morning in my bed with my gorgeous daughter snuggled up next to me and feel like Im the luckiest person alive. Ive been through hell and back the past year. I was in a horribly abusive relationship, ummed and aahed for such a long time about leaving. I poured my entire being into trying to change him, trying to reason with him, fearing the reality of being alone. I was petrified and clung on and on and on until it got so bad I didnt have a choice anymore.

After those first wobbly weeks the mists started to lift. Ive transformed my flat into my space; it was the very first thing I did. I moved all the furniture round, put cushions and throws everywhere, spread out DD toys, made it ours. Every day we do exactly what we feel like. Sometimes we go to the park in our pjs just before bedtime and look at the trees in the dark. Sometimes we spend all day making dens and chasing each other around the flat. Some days we go for huge walks through the countryside. We laugh all the time. I look at her and we both giggle. I can leave the washing up. I can leave the laundry. I can fall asleep with DD curled up next to me in my bed. Ive saved loads of money, Ive made plans.

Im doing a degree in a couple of years. Im writing again for the first time in years. Im saving so we can move to a little house with a garden and Im going to learn to drive. Im going to take DD to all sorts of places next Summer because I can.

The best bit has been watching his control slip away. I look in the mirror and I can see that Im beautiful, that Im worth something, that Im free. I walk down the road and feel like Ive got my whole life ahead of me, like it can only get better from here. Yes its hard, and yes I struggle sometimes. The pain and the crying is part of healing though; its a good hurt because I know for every tear I cry I get stronger.

You deserve to give yourself the chance to live again. To love yourself again and to be happy. And MY GOD do your DC deserve it. My DD has blossomed in the months since we left. You dont realise just how much it affects them until you leave. You realise that what you thought was her being "quiet" or a bit "shy" or a bit "stroppy" etc was actually the abuse she was picking up on and not her at all. Shes become this friendly sunny little girl who laughs all the time, who cuddles other children and is just a joy. I cant believe the difference.

I cant tell you to do it and I wont. I can tell you that one day you will wake up and think "Im doing it" and then you wont be able to pack your bags fast enough. You will know when you are ready. You're nearly there OP if you're posting this thread. I think you want to take that leap of faith but you just aren't quite sure yet? Stay strong and keep thinking and know that when you are ready theres all of us at the end of the screen to cheer you on. Good luck love x

Gosh what a beautiful thread by Twinkle.

Twinkle that was lovely, I hope to have your life very soon. I am close behind trying and a few others in our EA support thread escape tunnel-some days can feel like our fingers are red raw from digging to be free but just knowing my thread mates are with me every step really helps.

Yummy you may not think your situation is bad now but little by little you will lose your freedom more without you even realising what's happening. Three years ago I was financially comfortable and did not have to rely on my partner although put up with the emotional and violent abuse. I guess he got bored with just that as over those years he has chipped away at my freedom, after having my two DC I wasn't allowed to go back to work-he said he could support us all-whatever I needed. This is what he has made everyone in RL believe. In reality, he made me literally beg for every penny or tell me that I owed him-usually in the form of a sexual favour. All my savings are gone, I am now £7K in debt on my credit cards due to paying for car repairs, womens stuff needed etc over this time. He has tried on more than one occasion to get me to get rid of my little banger car-my very last bit of freedom I have. The last six months have got even worse with him going into my purse taking the joint credit card from me, me having to get it back via bedroom activities to which he just took it again a week later. From then on I have refused to be intimate with him-i am not a prostitute (although from his internet history he seems to have a liking for them) This has now resulted in me not even being allowed to go to the shops to do the food shopping etc as I have no money. I basically have to make a list of stuff we need and then he goes to the shops and buys it as I am not allowed to touch his money. What kind of father does not even let their childrens mummy buy them nappies etc. He even controls that. I have nothing. Please listen to everyone on here Yummy but at the same time only you yourself know your situation and all of us have had days where we think its not that bad as we have just normalised our life. It is bad, it is abuse by the most clever men known as they know how to get into our heads and how to hide the abuse from others in RL so well. The abuse always gets worse. My DD suffered from terrible night terrors and anger issues...I thought this was the terrible twos...it wasn't..it was the abuse she was witnessing everyday...she very seldom will let me leave her alone with her dad. My DS has now started having the same sort of nightmare/anger issues-hitting himself if I tell him off etc-he is only 18 months old They give me the strength to keep tunneling my way to freedom. I want to save them from this-they have already seen too much in their little lives. I have gone too far-he has already killed me inside and really don't know if I will ever really find myself again.

Make an escape plan, pack and hide an emergency bag just incase and keep posting/talking to us all. It really does help. Gingerbread-the single parents charity are really good for giving you advice too. Take care.

You don't always recognise it at the time. I regarded my ex as my best friend and confidant. I know it's crazy. The mention of night terrors reminded me that I was having them myself very regularly, waking up screaming sometimes several times a night. I used to see a black figure looming over my bed when I was asleep and I always wondered who it was/signified. Then one day I had a dream with that black figure in it and he took off a hood to reveal....well it's obvious now but at the time I was so so shocked. For me the work was before i split with him, in recognising what I was experiencing as unacceptable, basically quite sophisticated emotional/verbal abuse with mild physical abuse (poking, pushing, squaring up to me, unwanted touching etc). I sleep pretty well now except for being up at 20 past 7 on a weekend but that's cos I was out with the girls last night, which I'm 'allowed' to do anytime I want now without an argument with anyone

hi just wondered if anyone was around for virtual hand holding.

feel so down and defeated and as if something inside has snapped as i dont feel i can take his moods, negativity and criticism any more. there is no affection towards me or care or even a hug. feels like a living death and panic every friday as weekends are so hellish and there is always some kind of insult or upset.

feels like alarm bells are constantly ringing inside my head and am surrounded by a sea of red flags.

just practically wanted to ask in the event of a split what happens financially? atm i am sahm so no income totally dependent on him. i can imagine if i start a split he will refuse me money out of spite. would i have to claim benefits? also childcare fees? mortgage? it all seems too much to negotiate.

also he is an arse but his family are lovely am close to mil and they often help alot with childcare. in the event of a split and resultant bad feelings etc it is unlikely that the childcare would continue. then it would be even harder to get a job and afford all costs.

it would impact on dc's so much and feel like i am being so selfish and should put up with it for them. but some part of me cant anymore.

My dad is emotionally abusive towards my mum on occasions, and I thought that's how relationships were. So when I got involved with my ex and he too treated me that way, I thought it was normal. I didn't think I deserved anything more.

I put up with it and it began to escalate with him becoming intimidating me and then one day punching me in the arm, and then he started gaslighting, though I didn't know what it was at the time, but I felt like my brain was turning to mush as when I confronted him about it he was even more horrific. One day, after we'd had a massive argument and not spoken for days, something inside me turned and I was no longer afraid of him. He saw it, and we had a brief talk and he left there and then. Haven't spoken to him since though I do occasionally see him around.

I've been the kid witnessing the emotional abuse, and look where it got me. History repeats itself. If ever you need a reason to get out, look at your kids. Yes it will be shit at times but my god do I wish my mum had had the confidence to leave. At the time I knew it wasn't right but I also thought it was normal, iyswim.

Definately worth it. Not only for your own happiness but for your children's future. I left my abusive husband 18 years ago and have eventually managed to build a new, happy life with my daughter and new husband.

It really brought it home just a few weeks ago. My daughter, now 19, lives with her boyfriend. He did something which upset her and she came home. He thought there was nothing wrong with what he did and she wasn't sure about it. She told me that she used how her stepdad (of 12 years) treated me as her benchmark of what is right. It brought tears to my eyes when I thought about the messages our children pick up on that we're not really aware of. It could have been so different.