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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP making me feel like a rubbish mum

62 replies

stressednewmama · 22/11/2012 23:16

I am a first time mum and my little boy is only a week old so I'm not sure if I'm just being over emotional but DP unintentionally is making me feel like a crap mum.

A few things he has said and done have really upset me. For example when I was trying to bottle feed him a little while ago he looked at me and shook his head. When I asked what was wrong he said 'You. You've got a lot to learn'. When I asked what he meant by it he told me I was holding him wrong. He then carried on criticising me til I handed the baby over to him.

Other times he has joked that he's the mummy and I'm the daddy. I don't think he realises but that really hurts. I already feel like he has bonded with DS more than I have and that little comment compounds it.

I'm sure there are more examples but you get the gist. Not sure what advice I'm expecting. Just needed a rant I think. Sad

Reading it back I'm probably overreacting

OP posts:
LastMangoInParis · 22/11/2012 23:21

And how does DP respond when you tell him that he's undermining your confidence and upsetting you?

LittleEdie · 22/11/2012 23:24

My DH did this sort of thing and still does it. DD is now 4. It's a major part of why I think we're going to split up. It feels horrible to be undermined like this.

tribpot · 22/11/2012 23:27

Does he have other children? If not, how the hell would he know better than you how to hold the baby? And even if he did, why should he tell you you're doing it wrong in such a patronising and belittling way?

Why do you feel he's bonded with DS more than you have?

NeverMindOhWell · 22/11/2012 23:27

Has DP had other children? How does he know his way is the "right" way? Either way, you've had a week of motherhood and probably feel as though your world's been turned upside down, so it is not pleasant to have anyone tell you you're getting it wrong. You say you don't think he realises it hurts - tell him. If he cares about you he will stop with these comments.

goralka · 22/11/2012 23:35

he sounds horribly undermining - tell him to shut it with the mummy/daddy thing.
As for the head shaking - what a tosser.
He should be giving you support and confidence not this.

TwinkleReturns · 22/11/2012 23:37

I had this with my ex - for me it was the tip of an iceberg of really nasty emotional abuse and I dont know what the rest of your relationship is like. I can tell you what I wish I had done.

Tell him (full eye contact assertive and strong) that you do not wish to be spoken to in such a patronising and condescending way.
Tell him that you want his support and if he cant give it he needs to back off
Tell him you want some time alone with your baby, take DS up to bed, shut the door and just "be". If he comes in and starts making comments, trying to join in etc just state "No I want this time alone with DS, I need to rest and recover" End of.

Its not just that hes being a twat its the language hes using - how utterly disrespectful to shake your head at your partner like that and use such a patronising a vile phrase. Right now you are vulnerable and feeling it. You need to make sure he stops trampling all over you and backs off - do not make the mistake I did and allow him to ruin these early days with your baby. I can never get back the time I lost with DD due to my ex and it breaks my heart.

themaltesecat · 23/11/2012 00:09

Your baby wants you! You are his mum and, though men's rights activists would have it otherwise, tiny babies just want to be close to their mothers, whose heartbeat and smell and voice have been with them since before memory began in utero.

"Bonding" is a load of bollocks. The baby needs you and loves you. When he gets his first little cold (God forbid!), it WILL be you he wants to cuddle up with.

Your so-called partner is an idiot. The mummy / daddy thing? What a weirdo.

Also- I had every bloody midwife I ever met tell me off for following the advice of the previous one. Everyone tells you you're doing it wrong, especially if you're younger (under 30). To hell with them. In four or five or six weeks he'll smile at you, his beautiful mum, and you'll really start realising that everyone apart from him can just bugger off.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/11/2012 00:14

Your baby is a week old. He was inside you for 9 months. I think he might be a teeny tiny bit attached to you. You have to have belief in your inner mother and tell your 'D'P how much this hurts and to stop doing it.

FastidiaBlueberry · 23/11/2012 00:17

A week after having a baby he's doing this to you?

This is emotional abuse.

What you need from your child's father, is support and love.

Any man who needs that explaining, is a piss-poor example of a man.

I'm so sorry you've got one like this.

I know it's only one small snapshot, but it is a really appalling view of your life. This man is behaving appallingly.

I don't know what you can do about his behaviour, having a week old baby is an incredibly vulnerable time, but you need to know that his behaviour is wrong and shit and don't let anyone tell you you're overreacting. You're not, he is absolutely out of order.

duchesse · 23/11/2012 00:19

He's being an arse. Not the best timing but you need to have a discussion about it- he needs to know he's being a shit-head.

StuntGirl · 23/11/2012 00:41

You're not over reacting at all. He being, as duchesse so delightfully described it, a shit head.

You need to tell him outright that his behaviour is unacceptable. And don't let his shitty patronising claptrap get to you.

Narked · 23/11/2012 00:59

Arse. I think he needs reminding that for the past 40 weeks his input was about a teaspoon's worth. You've been looking after your DS for 9 months without any of his input, and less than 8 days ago you pushed him out. You are emotionally and physically drained, with hormones all over the place, and probably dealing with enough shit without him adding to it.

The next time he starts, tell him it's upsetting you and ignore him. Carry on and find your own way of doing things. It's good that he's hands on and involved with looking after his baby. It's great that he's bonding well. It's not ok that he's chipping away at your confidence when you are at your most vulnerable.

You will be fine, honestly. You'll get into the flow of it.

ErikNorseman · 23/11/2012 07:02

What a nasty bastard.

AThingInYourLife · 23/11/2012 07:18

Nasty bastard x2

Lovingfreedom · 23/11/2012 07:38

So....a week after you've given birth to your son, your DP is more like the mummy? WTF????
Well OK, it's not going to be possible for him to experience the joys of pregnancy and childbirth. I'd be tempted to give him a taster though.
Shove a coconut as far up his arse as it will go...let him experience the natural birth of that...

Honestly...you can do without your DP being such an idiot a a time like this. You are not over-reacting. Get him on technical duties - sterilising, washing clothes, cooking etc - which he is probably great at too. You concentrate on the 'easy' stuff....like cuddling your baby, trying to get a bit of sleep, recovering from the birth and learning how your baby likes his bottle (they are all a bit different).

Longdistance · 23/11/2012 07:48

Nasty bastard x3!

Chandon · 23/11/2012 07:51

Wtf do people choose suche arsehoke partners, that is the bit I will never understand

mammadiggingdeep · 23/11/2012 07:55

Firstly, a huge congratulations! You're a mummy! :) secondly, your post made me feel like your dp might be having a touch of the green eyed monster....jealous of you and your beautiful new baby- perhaps he is actually feeling put out at how well you're doing/happy you are and is trying to burst your bubble. Don't let him!!! You just remember that your ds needs nobody but you at the moment- you are his world. This time is so precious, don't let an idiot ruin it for you. Next time he says anything designed to put you down, tell him you won't stand for nasty/unhelpful comments and you are his mummy and you know best. End of. Congratulations again x

WaitingForMe · 23/11/2012 07:56

They don't tend to demonstrate that behaviour on a first date you know Hmm

mammadiggingdeep · 23/11/2012 07:57

Haha....lovingfreedom....LOVE the coconut idea...although let's go with a watermelon :)

swallowedAfly · 23/11/2012 08:00

x4 i'm afraid.

stand up for yourself without stressing yourself. a simple comment, 'stop undermining me', for example can be said clearly and firmly.

have a nice day curled up with baby and hanging out. i think half of what's called 'bonding' is actually working out your relationship and how best to fit in around each other and get into a groove. the more stressed you are or the more other people are stressing you or getting in the way of that the longer it takes. if you are confident, believe in yourself and trust that the way that works for you and your baby is the best way you'll soon find your feet. hope that makes sense.

for me i was single and it was just me and ds so it was very easy to find our groove. i often wonder how the hell people cope with partners being difficult in the mix of those early days.

Aspiemum2 · 23/11/2012 08:00

Because Chandon they don't show their inner bastard at first, which is why the outside world often sees the abuser as lovely Angry

Agree that his behaviour is nasty, also agree that he might be jealous that he isn't the centre of your world. Mostly though I think he's a bastard

Congratulations on your baby boy, don't let anyone take him off you though - if you are feeding him then don't allow anyone else to take over no matter what they say/who they are. Pretty sure you must be able to feed him as he's already a week old!

Pickles77 · 23/11/2012 08:03

Chandon, that's not very nice. Hmm

They don't tend to show their true colours until its too late.

Op sending unmumsnetty hugs your way

diddl · 23/11/2012 08:10

Yup he sounds abusive & it doesn´t sound unintentional.

All he needs to say for example is-baby doesn´t look comfortable/perhaps you should hold his head up a bit.

Strawhatpirate · 23/11/2012 08:17

What was he like before baby ds was born? Nasty bastard x5