DP making me feel like a rubbish mum

[stressednewmama]

I am a first time mum and my little boy is only a week old so I'm not sure if I'm just being over emotional but DP unintentionally is making me feel like a crap mum.

A few things he has said and done have really upset me. For example when I was trying to bottle feed him a little while ago he looked at me and shook his head. When I asked what was wrong he said 'You. You've got a lot to learn'. When I asked what he meant by it he told me I was holding him wrong. He then carried on criticising me til I handed the baby over to him.

Other times he has joked that he's the mummy and I'm the daddy. I don't think he realises but that really hurts. I already feel like he has bonded with DS more than I have and that little comment compounds it.

I'm sure there are more examples but you get the gist. Not sure what advice I'm expecting. Just needed a rant I think.

Reading it back I'm probably overreacting

X5. You're not overreacting.

A few years ago a friend of mine was in a similar situation, albeit with a toxic MIL in the same house to deal with as well. She moved in with her parents when her baby was 6 weeks old and has never regretted it. Her DD (now 7) has a relationship with her Dad but friend does not. Which is how she likes it.

Anyway, good luck and congratulations.

Chandon its the nasty nice cycle. Abusive men who walked around being abusive all the time would be given a wide berth by all and sundry. It would be like dropping a frog in a pan of boiling water; the frog would quite sensibly jump straight back out. So abusive men are often very charismatic, very charming, say I love you quickly, make you feel incredibly special and wanted. They drop a frog into cold water and heat it very very slowly. So slowly that frog doesnt notice the water warming; abuse almost always starts with EA or controlling behaviours that you cant be sure are abuse. It really escalates when you are in a vulnerable state hence why so many women start to realise something is wrong when pregnant or following childbirth as this is one of the most vulnerable times for women.

It is something you might benefit from reading up on. Theres a wealth of information out there if you look for it.

Horrible behaviour. A decent man supports you, not undermines you. As with Twinkle, mine did this as part of a wider pattern of emotional abuse. He tried to stop me breastfeeding because he claimed I was not giving dd enough milk to satisfy her, even though she gained weight steadily from birth. Jealousy definitely played a role - he was no longer the main focus of attention and he couldn't stand it.

I'm not saying you have to walk out the door straightaway (although I wouldn't blame you), but you need to take a cold, hard look at his overall behaviour. It's hard to think straight with a new baby when you're sleep-deprived, so if you can, keep a diary for yourself, or use Mumsnet to look for feedback every time he says or does something that concerns you. This could be the sign of worse behaviour to come.

Put your foot down now and develop a 'look'. I'm sure he'll back off xxxx
Congratulations btw

What a patronising, miserable knob. And I bet this superior, condescending attitude is not isolated to your mothering skills.... I expect he tells you you're rubbish at other things as well. Sorry you're saddled with this arsehole.

BTW... there's nothing 'unintentional' about it.

Ugh. Have you tried addressing it directly, e.g. 'Are you trying to make me feel shit?' These sort of people thrive on sly indirectness.

(Also, in the unlikely but possible situation that he is just being tactless, this will make him realise how insensitively he's behaving.)

Is he actively trying to interfere with your bonding or what? Nip this in the bud straight away. About the only excuse I can think to make for him is that he wants to hold the baby himself so uses the "you're doing it all wrong, let me" as an excuse. But that doesn't really work, as there are nicer ways of doing it (like, for example, saying "I'd like to hold the baby", radical though that may sound!).

I bet you're holding it just fine, anyway.

Totally intentional behaviour on his part. Really really nasty. Agree with Annie - I bet you are holding her absolutely fine (babies tend to make it known when they aren't being held properly!)

Does he help out with her? As in get up in the night, change nappies, do the washing, cook dinner, tidy up?

are you still out there OP? how are you feeling in light of the fairly unanimous responses?

How are you op? Hope you're ok xx

OP, to your baby, you are everything. You're his world, everything he's known.

You need time alone with the baby. Talk to him a lot, tell him what you're doing, what you're feeling. Tell him you love him. Stroke the baby and talk to him in a gentle voice. Hold him close against you, with his head on your chest, so that he can hear the familiar sound of your heartbeat. When he's awake, look at him and watch him try to focus. Hold your face against his and whisper to him.

Don't let this bastard prevent you from bonding with your child.

Sorry but your mum was making it up about men's arms - however the Op's partner is still a shit.

Hope you're OK OP, could you talk to your midwife or health visitor privately about this?

Lol....my mum told me that men's arms are specifically designed for killing deer, taking out bins and masturbation. Tell the nasty git to get busy with one of those and leave you alone. Xx

Yes he's back at work in a few days. Didn't get a chance to talk to the midwife today because he was here.

I told him I didn't like the comments he makes and that they upset me. He said he didn't realise and they were only meant as a joke. Then the next day he said exactly the same thing again

You've had a lot of good advice already and obviously a few days in is not the moment to be assessing your future with this man - but file this away to think about when you are stronger.

And believe me you will get stronger. Nothing like having a baby for that!

In the meantime treasure these first few days with your baby. You are your baby's whole world right now. You need to be tucked up in bed together gazing, feeding and loving each other.

And one day soon you can think about the kind of person who sees a mum with her new baby and instead of bursting with love and pride decides to choose that moment to stomp all over her feelings.

I think the only kind of person who would do that is a right fucking cunt, personally.

I imagine you are (understandably) fragile so maybe taking things too much to heart. We all know how BLUNT men can be in saying what they think are innocuous factual statements. And the mummy-daddy thing would just sound like a silly joke to me.

I hope you can find a way to help him realise how you're hearing & feeling his comments.