DH just threatened to smack DD (7) in the face

[Orkling]

DH and I have 3 DC (2,4 & 7). DH is usually a great Dad but he does have a short fuse in that he will lose his temper and shout easily, he has never hit any of our DC. I am a bit calmer although I will give a smack on the bum occasionally, although not hard.

This morning DH was in a rush and foul mood (as he has been for ages) he asked DD to put her coat on, she asked where it was, he said right in front of you, open your eyes, she said they are open. He then told her not to be so fucking cheeky or he would smack her in the face!!!!! I am FURIOUS....

His foul moods have been affecting everyone, sometimes he is great but more often than not he is just moody and grumpy. I know I am not perfect and I do have mood swings but I think this is more to do with living with him.

I am against smacking full stop but I think such a lot of holier than thou nonsense about it is posted on mumsnet and parents who admit to mild smacking occasionally are absolutely demonised. "There is no such thing as a mild smack", come the cries. "Hitting is hitting". Well, I disagree. I was smacked every now and then as a child. With a hand. On the bum or leg. Once. It did no good- I felt resentful and defiant and disrespected my parents for losing their rags. And then we all made up because they were basically nice parents and I knew they loved me. As opposed to people I know who were fucking terrified of their punching, threatening, belt wielding, belittling, critical, nasty excuses for parents. IT IS NOT THE SAME THING. There are degrees. Within generally emotionally warm parent child relationships a smack may not be the worst thing in the world ever, in my view.

Consistently angry cold parenting is far more damaging, imo, and therefore I can quite see where the OP is coming from with her worry about her partner threatening her little girl in this way. I think her own occasional smacking is almost irrelevant.

Touche, Offred! The Scottish case was far from a single smack on a clothed backside but I guess technically you are right that it criminalised a smacked bottom and I do take your point that the law is context specific. I think the DM piece is relevant though- it is a newspaper report about a case that was taken to the Court of Appeal in England.

Agree 100% sminko.

Particularly that consistently angry cold parenting is far more damaging than a tap on the bum/leg from an otherwise loving parent. And I have experienced both.

How about instead of smacking or cold parenting (which the OP hasn't said she does) we all agree that smacking on its own is not a good form of discipline and neither is any other form of abusive parenting. I could go google loads and loads of statistics that show smacking is damaging to counter your points of ancedotal experiences.

Hi OP - you sound as though you are very unhappy and stressed. Have you talked more to your H?

I would be very concerned about your H's behaviour to your DD and his comments about being pissed off by her. It is all very very inappropriate.

You've had a rough ride on this thread but also some thoughtful and helpful posts - which I hope you find useful.

I hope you get things sorted.

Newbie here, be gentle :-). All I have to say re: smacking is, it is not only the physical pain which is the issue, but also the "shaming" of anyone who has been physically assaulted. At what age do they realise they should not tolerate being hit? Is it ok as long as its coming from a parent?

Also, how would OP feel if DD turned round and smacked her (on the face/arm/bottom etc.?) Would it be ok if she had "really lost her temper" and it didn't hurt?

All this aside, it doesn't sound as though the DCs are benefitting from a safe, stable home life and if my DH was moody/withdrawn/threatening and telling me and DD I was "pissing him off" he could sling his hook.

OP, you are quite obviously a disgusting human being, who does not deserve the right to be a mother. How you & you alone choose to discipline your children is unforgivable.

You know something, if this wasn't someones REAL life, I'd be in stitches at some of these posts.

This woman is not the only mother in GB to smack her child on the bum, yet some of you suggest she needs parenting classes?

Get a real life grip of yourselves. It must be hard balancing up there on your pedestals looking down at the less than perfect!

I love the whole 'school script' with not only verbatim dialogue but direction too!

OP it is against the law to abuse a child, not to use bum smacking as discipline.

My advice, for what it's worth, is hide this bloody thread & take care.

Of course we can inneed. I cant recall any post suggesting that smacking on its own is a good form of discipline.

Im so sorry, I missed out the IMO when I copied the quote. Although clearly no one is allowed to hold an opinion unless it agrees with yours.

itsallinmyhead heres a grip. Take it and hold on tightly. You clearly need it.

Sorry itsallinmyhead. i've misread your post. Sorry sorry sorry.

< takes back grip and hits self over rhe head with it>

the IMO wasn't missing, it was another form of abusive parenting being added on to justify the smacking that was silly. It doesn't really matter whether you agree with me or not, smacking will be completely illegal in 10 years max I'd put money on it. the UK is one of 5 EU countries where this inhumane act is still legal. The EU courts and all the NSPC type charitys are pressuring the gov more and more to ban this.

and yes itsallinmyhead you really need to get a grip.

Oh I read that totally wrong then

I most probably do need to get a grip in a lot of ways.

But this OP is not doing anything wrong.

If you feel strongly about no smacking, whoop de whoop but you do not have the right to even suggest that someone change their discipline choices!

This is not a case of abuse no matter how much you bloody google it. The woman occasionally smacks her DD to discipline her...that is her choice & obviously something she believes works for her.

So whether or not it's something you or I would do, it's none of our business to suggest any other form of discipline unless we knew this op in rl & suspected abuse, rather than discipline.

Must be a grand thing to be bloody perfect.

Ryledup no worries, I see my sarcasm was a little on the heavy side.

Lots of things I need to get a grip on, all the same

I am not justifying smacking. Read my original post, I don't smack myself. But what I think is silly is claiming that there is no difference between a tap on the bum (over clothes) and smacking someone round the head.

Oh yeah, me too itsallinmyhead. Not this though.

I was not justifying smacking by comparing it to other forms of "abusive parenting". I am not in favour of smacking. I do not smack my children. I would like the law to be changed so that children have the right not to be hit under any circumstances just like other people. But I do not think a blanket condemnation of smacking as if there are no gradations is a helpful response on this thread. And I do think there is a spectrum of "abusive parenting" which we are all on at times since none of us are perfect and Orklings smacks sound like they are at the milder end. Along with my occasional roars of rage at my children and laxness at making my teenagers do their homework, my partner's occasional over-protectiveness of his daughter and over-exasperation at his sons, my friend's occasional over-high expectations of her 2 year old's behaviour and perplexity at said 2 year old's failure to comply with her commands and frustrated decision to smack occasionally to enhance compliance which fails utterly and my other friend's over-indulgence of her teenage son and willingness to believe that the sun shines out of his behind (which has never been smacked) even when it is clear that he has been behaving v badly as all kids do now and then according to their wont. All of these are not ideal and all of these are born out of stress and family personalities and dynamics and imperfect understanding of child development etc etc etc and all the children involved have warm loving parents and hopefully they will emerge largely unscathed from all the mistakes we make because they are in homes high in emotional warmth (I hope and believe). I think Orkling is right to hear alarm bells when anger and scariness is coming to the fore from her partner. I think all this analysis of the evil of her smacking is a total red herring. She is right to be worried about her partner's behaviour towards her little girl as that is a potentially a big slide along the abusive parenting spectrum, right away from good enough.

I was smacked on the bum and in the face when I was a child. To me at the time there wasn't a huge difference.

nocakeformeplease said the same thing as me in 2 sentences!

We've sat down and really talked. I said I wasn't prepared to carry on with his moodiness. He said he has been moody as he feels I have been taking him for granted and snapping at him constantly, he is also under a huge amount of pressure at work.
He says his main problem is that we can't agree on disciplining DD, he feels that I am too soft on her and allow her to get away with too much and am inconsistent. He thinks a firmer approach (not smacking, he has never smacked) is needed and if she misbehaves she shouldn't just be sent to the naughty step for 7 minutes then all is forgotten about, she needs to really know that she has misbehaved so that she won't do it again, i.e. sent to her room for an hour or have a treat taken away.

He says I forget too easily, whereas he can't do that. I was brought up in a fairly relaxed house (although I was occasionally smacked), he was brought up by a very authoritarian father but was never smacked.

I don't think her behaviour is that bad, he does, and he also feels that as he isn't her biological father that it makes it all the more complicated... stalemate.

Are there any parenting classes you can both access?
Is he harder on you DD than his own children?

To be honest I don't think being sent to their room for an hour is a suitable punishment for a 7 year old. I also believe you need to discuss what is the purpose of punishment? Is it to teach a child not to do something? Or is it to make the child upset and publicly pay for their "crime"?

Unfortunately by being ok with one sort of smacking makes it difficult as others have said to draw a line a bit further down the continuum. Personally violence of any sort against a child is as far as I am concerned not a good form of punishment or supporting their development.
I have to say DH swearing or threatening my child in that manner would be a deal breaker for me.
I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed at all, but I think may be you both need to sit down and discuss boundaries over what you think is right and worng for your children.