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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help, I need advice :(

33 replies

hollycoral · 21/11/2012 10:47

Hello,

I've just joined this site today in the hope that I can get some advice or help from anyone else who's been in a similar situation.
I found out I was pregnant in July and now I'm currently 21 weeks, expecting a little boy. I couldn't be happier about the little baby I'm growing inside but my boyfriend is making things so hard, stressful and confusing for me. He wasn't happy about the pregnancy, saying that he now has no options in his life and said that it made him feel like killing himself :( I'm scared to talk to him and when I finally got the courage to talk to him he got verbally abusive and was swearing and cursing about his options, ruined life and how he didn't want to depend on benefits. He made me feel so low and upset that I left his mums (where I was staying with him) and had to hop around various friends places, sleeping on floors and sofas.
After just over a month of moving around from place to place, I decided to give my boyfriend another chance and at times I thought he was coming around and starting to be a little more supportive. He would get me food I wanted and rub my back when It ached, but whenever I now try to talk about the future and what we should do he gets angry or doesn't talk to me for days. We don't really have a relationship anymore :( He never tells me that he loves me and he doesn't show any sensitivity. He doesn't kiss or hug me anymore. I feel just as lonely with him as I do without him.
I have a minimum wage job and I'm trying to save every penny for my baby. I don't want to be living at his mum's by the time the baby comes. My boyfriend doesn't have a good relationship with his mum either. I'm at a point where I want to leave and stay with my mum (who has been the greatest support throughout all of this!), but she lives a couple of hours away. I stay here in Leicestershire because I need the work and money (at least until after Christmas). I don't think I could live on my own up here because I would be so lonely. My boyfriend has said once before that we should rent a place together but with me getting no maternity pay, he would be paying most of the rent and bills, which I know he will get pissed off with and hold it against me. I'm also concerned that he will try to hold power over me because he earns a lot more than I do. I'm not sure if I could commit to renting a house with him for a year, when he makes me feel so low and unsupported. I cry all the time now and I just want to be happy for my Baby. I'm so excited about it but he doesn't share any of that excitement with me :(
There is a lot more I could say but I'm not the best at writing everything down in a way that sounds clear.
Thanks for listening to all of that. I hope that someone can give me some advice please xxx

OP posts:
Jingleflobba · 21/11/2012 10:51

You poor love, I think you know that getting back to your Mum's ASAP is the best option. It will be harder to go after your little boy arrives as you will still need money and a roof over your head, best to get out now.
Someone more experienced on things like this will be along soon with practical advice x

dequoisagitil · 21/11/2012 10:53

I'm sorry Sad.

Go home to mum, lovely. You should definitely not move in with this man.

pollyblue · 21/11/2012 10:53

I think your concerns about being tied to someone who makes you unhappy and resents the coming baby are very valid.

Christmas is not far away - could you continue to stay at his mums and keep working until the new year, then move to be with your mum? it's so important to have good support at this time. Maybe in time your boyfriends attitude will change but you can't hang around, miserable, waiting for that - you need to make some positive decisions now for yourself and your baby.

Good luck OP

Lovingfreedom · 21/11/2012 10:54

Sounds tough and sorry you're in this position. Glad you're happy and excited about baby though. I'm thinking your best bet might be to go and stay with your Mum for a bit as soon as it's convenient for you to do so.
I don't like to be pessimistic, but if the relationship is strained now, it's likely to be pretty hard going with a new baby around. If you get on really well with your Mum and she's up for it...could be good to move in with her at least until you get kind of settled with baby/being a mum. It is great when baby is little to have some proper help and a secure place to stay. Good luck.

mamababa · 21/11/2012 10:58

Why will you not get maternity pay? If you are working then assuming you were employed before you were pregnant then you are entitled to 6 weeks at 90% and a further 33 weeks at SMP. Of its a new job then you could be entitled to maternity allowance. Plus child benefit and probably tax credit as you are a low wage earner. Your boyfriend needs to grow up. I don't think moving in to a flat with him is wise it will only get harder when baby arrives. I would suggest that assuming you Are entitled to SMP wait as long as you can then go on mat leave and home to your mum

RiceAndP · 21/11/2012 11:00

Hi I would go back to your mums for a while and maybe think of putting your name down for housing. it could be that you may have to stay in a B and B for a little while for everything to get sorted. Dont move in with your partner,no way its not going to work. Being pregnant is a happy time not a sad time because of someone that is showing such a childish attitude and being nasty to you the knob. Your life will be hell if you stay with someone like that and unfair on your baby boy when he comes into the world.
You sound like a lovely person with all the love to give in the world to your baby so stay focused on that hun. And if your partner wants to change his ways then thats up to him and not you. Hugs to you x

MiniTheMinx · 21/11/2012 11:03

This should be a happy time and I think it is usually when it has been planned. Sad Forget worrying about money, go home to your mum now while you still can. You have plenty of time after you have had the baby to start thinking about your financial future. Sadly it looks like you are not going to get much support from your boyfriend.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2012 11:05

Second the idea to go back to Mums. When you're a new mum you need support and 'love' ... not immature/selfish/controlling men and their grumpy mothers causing you stress & bringing you down. Don't hesitate... get that bag packed and don't give him so much as a backward glance.

OneMoreChap · 21/11/2012 11:05

Your boyfriend, who lives with his mum, and doesn't want to be dependent on benefits... and got you pregnant.

Not much of a catch, is he?
He needs to know he'll be paying support for the child for the next 16 years anyway.

Sorry pet, I'd be looking at moving back to your mums and explaining to git that the baby didn't happen on its own - and he's going to have to pay some more of his "much more money" to support it.

tallwivglasses · 21/11/2012 11:07

Get to your mum's as soon as possible. I was in a similar situation as you 22 years ago and my mum moved to be with me. She was an amazing support and it was so lovely for dd to have such a close relationship with her gran. This bloke is only going to give you more misery and you don't need it. If you move now you'll have time to build up a network of mums you can spend time with. Work isn't everything - there'll be time for that later - or even college with a free nursery place to improve your prospects. Good luck.

Pickles77 · 21/11/2012 11:12

Hi there, I was in a very very similar situation to you. I found out I was pg at 22 weeks though.
By 24 weeks id moved two hours back to my parents.
I can honestly say it was the best thing I could have done. I've struggled through a very long dark tunnel my daughter is 9 weeks now and has been worth every
Tear. He fathers involved a little.
I think you know you need your mum.
Also I have alot of baby things my one has grown out of now- some not even worn. I'd love to send them on rather than charity shop them. Private message me if you like Smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 21/11/2012 11:25

Hello hollycoral,
Echoing all the advice ^^ you need only think of what is best for you and your baby, let the man-child sort his "ruined life", take care of yourself.

Pickles77 hope you and beautiful baby girl are keeping well, very nice to find you giving support here.

Pickles77 · 21/11/2012 11:30

Thank you donkey we are great Smile

ClippedPhoenix · 21/11/2012 11:33

I'm another one saying go back home to mum darling.

Original poster
hollycoral · 21/11/2012 14:44

Oh my goodness, I've just been crying through all your responses. Thank you all so much for the advice. I think joining this website was a well recommended idea.

I feel like I'm doing a prison sentence here, just buying my time until Christmas (the biggest money making period) is over!
I'd really like to think that my boyfriend might change over the next couple of weeks but it doesn't look likely :( At almost 28 years old I thought he'd be behaving more adult. (I'm 26 by the way).

One good thing I can say is that I have a really good network of loving and supportive friends. They may not all be living nearby, but they make getting by day by day much easier.

I want my pregnancy to be a happy one, I love watching my body change and feeling the little kicks inside now. I can't wait to meet my beautiful little boy in April :) Looking at the scan photos of him makes me so happy. My baby makes me feel stronger.

Could I just pack up and walk away from here? If I tell my boyfriend that I'm going to leave I'm scared of what he will say or threaten to do. I don't like arguments as he always dominates over me and makes me feel like such a bad person :( I always end up breaking down.

Thank you all again. Mum's together. xxx

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/11/2012 14:50

You can go where you like. It's a free country. :) In fact, it's probably advisable to go now before your baby is born rather than afterwards when he could potentially start to interfere or claim that you would be doing some damage depriving him of access. If he is threatening and tends to dominate, don't tell him anything, just go. If he makes threats or acts aggressively in any way, don't hesitate to keep records and report him to the police. Your baby does not need this man in his life.

StuntGirl · 21/11/2012 14:52

Sweetheart, it doesn't sound like he'll care if you leave. This man is no friend of yours, don't make any plans around him. Do what's best for you and the baby.

Lemonylemon · 21/11/2012 14:52

Could I just pack up and walk away from here?

Of course you can. See if some of your friends or family can come and help you. Or even your Mum if she is able. You need support, not a verbal kicking. You're not a bad person. He, however, is a loser....

NoPinkPlease · 21/11/2012 14:55

If I was your mum, I'd give you the biggest hug as you came though the door. Now I have a daughter, I can't imagine a time where I wouldn't want you her if this was the circumstances. I think it sounds a good call all round - you'll be able to enjoy all the fab pregnancy things without the worry of your immature unpleasant bf. good luck Smile

BrainSurgeon · 21/11/2012 15:02

Poor holly {{hugs}} I agree with everyone here, you will be happy with your mum and baby and without an abusive boyfriend.

Pickles how lovely to see you, have been reading your threads - you are a brave young woman, well done and best of luck for the future

ClippedPhoenix · 21/11/2012 15:05

Yes honey, call your mum and pack up and go whilst he's not around.

When the shit hits the fan, you will be home safe and dry.

Naoko · 21/11/2012 15:15

Oh honey you sound so miserable and scared. Please walk away from this man, you're frightened of his reaction if you leave and you don't want to commit to living with him, you say you barely have a relationship with him - you already know this isn't going to work. If you need the money till Christmas (and why won't you get maternity pay? Have you only very recently started work?), is there anywhere else you could stay until then? It's only 5 weeks, if you were my friend, my spare room would be yours for as long as you needed it in this situation. Do any local friends know how you feel? If they don't, tell them, one may offer and you won't have to ask. Either way, I'd go back to your mum's as soon as possible, be it now or after Christmas if you really can't be without the money. She sounds lovely and you'll feel safe and supported there. You can start over, without this man who isn't nice to you and doesn't want your baby.

RiceAndP · 21/11/2012 15:16

He will probably throw his toys out of the pram and beat his chest when you have gone to your mums but so bloody what hun. Go to the place where you get love and support and leave his fuckwit arse behind. Yes life should have a fairy tale feeling when you are pregnant but seriously he is giving you a nightmare and your health and your baby boy is more important. Be strong.

TisILeclerc · 21/11/2012 15:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 21/11/2012 15:28

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant manchild. He's not going to give you any real support as he's too busy thinking of himself. Before you mentioned his age, I assumed he must be a teenager! Go to your mum's and if he would make it difficult for you to leave, simply don't tell him. You need to be around people who will give love and support to you and your baby.

If he threatens you, call the police.