He WON'T let me meet his kids!!

[Mirage80]

Been together about 7/8 months. He's met my kids, they get on great and we go on lots of "family" days out. He is however, reluctant to let me meet HIS kids (15 and 17 years old).

I don't understand and I take it as an insult that he feels it's fine to share my whole life yet he's only willing to share half of his.

The subject of Christmas came up, he said he will give my children money for christmas - I asked what he wanted me to do about HIS children since, although they're aware of my existence, they have never met me. He said to just leave it.

Why the reluctance???

We're going on holiday soon (me, him and my kids) and he said he felt guilty that his own kids were missing out. I said "well, later on, maybe we could take your kids on a holiday?" and he replied "yeah - or .... maybe ... if you didn't mind .... I could take them on holiday by myself?" - this suggests he doesn't see me meeting them years down the line!!!

Am I being pushy or what? My mate thinks he's being weird and disrespectful expecting to be a part of my kids lives whilst denying me the chance to be a part of his kids lives.

I would be very suspicious of a man who wants to be so involved with your children, but isn't willing to let you meet his. Who is 'home' every weekend quite probably with his wife & kids. Something isn't right here.

I think it's still really early, he's being sensible keeping his children at a distance from you for the moment, but as it's such early days and you don't know that much about him do you really want him so involved with your children?

Akaemmafrost, I truly don't understand that situation. I get that teenagers might not be interested, but sometimes they should be coaxed. What I don't get is SEVEN years. Either they are now grown up and should know better, or they were young enough to marshall into an introduction. It seems beyond weird to me.

I agree with ivykaty and emmafrost - I also have a friend who has 2 teenage stepDC she's never met - not their father's fault, but either they or their mother prevented it. She's been with him for over 7y, married for 4. I think it's sad, so does my friend and her DH but there's nothing they can do. (Her DH had been apart from his ex for many years when they met).

I wouldn't want to stay in a compartment. I would discuss it with him, find out the reason for not meeting them. If you can't meet his DCs, his parents, his cousins, friends etc etc I would finish it. He doesn't come alone and can't.

DHs stepdad came into his life when he was 14 and SIL was 16. Sure there were tricky moments and while they love him now, I don't think they were delighted at the time but it's manageable. By 7-8 months you know whether a relationship is serious.

People will of course move at the speed they're comfortable with but I think the new partner should get a say and if the other disagrees then there is a problem. My view was that I wanted to meet my potential stepsons sooner rather than later and DH was open to that. I'd have been ok with waiting longer than we did but not with having my feelings dismissed.

This is interesting for me - my sister and I never met my Dads partner, I was 19 when they got together. The only difference is that she was the OW. My dad met her family and (grown up) children, we never met her, he never asked us and we never asked to.

Maybe his kids blame him for leaving their mum and his relationship with them is fragile. They may resent him having someone when their mum is on her own? Maybe they don't want to seem disloyal to their mum.

I see two main possibilities (though there may be others)

a) the teenagers do not want to see you, and he is respecting their wishes. However, I would have expected a compassionate man to explain this to you.

b) he is not that committed to you long term and does not want you in their lives to spare them if/when you break up.

After my divorce it took a long time before I felt like introducing the next lady about whom I became serious to my family, or friends, for that matter. I just imagined people rolling their eyes and thinking, if not saying "Here we go again." Silly, maybe, but that was how I felt. I just told my then girlfriend about it, and she was fine with it.

She didn't want to introduce me to her family for a long time either, on the grounds that her mother would immediately start pressuring her to marry me. Eventually she did, and sure enough, that was exactly what happened, about as subtly as a rhinocerous horn up the bum.

For whatever reason, he wants to keep the two parts of his life separate.

Have a conversation about timescales. How long do you have to be together before you meet his children, his mother... A year? Two? Five? Ten? Do you have to be married? Have a child? does he even SEE you in his long term future?

You then have to decide whether or not you are willing to accept that.

"about as subtly as a rhinocerous horn up the bum."

Yet another coffee splatter stain on my sofa. Thanks for that!

i think his kids probably hate you for not being their mum, and he doesnt want the confrontation.

just leave it. Its early days

This is all wrong. Either he fears some kind of family rejection ... exW, DCs, even his parents seeing it as disloyal, who knows... or he doesn't see you as a permanent enough fixture to be taken seriously. Teenagers can be very tricky but where do they think he goes when he's not with them? A monastery?

I was with my then DP for 8 months before he introduced me to his family.. Been together 14 yrs now.. :)

I don't think 8 months is long to meet the children but he should be discussing thing with you.

It is worrying how you have put this man into your children's lives so completely with a boyfriend you Hari been seeing for such a short time.

Have not hari

Can't take the credit for the rhino horn up the bum - it's from Blackadder's Christmas Carol.

I think you've introduced him to your kids and made him part if your family too soon.

I think his reticence is perfectly normal and you are being a bit pushy about ALL of it including your own kids. Sounds like you are trying to "create" a family situation. You should back off imo. I really think it should just be you and him still at this stage.

Lots of plausible suggestions - his kids don't know about you / they don't want to meet you / he doesn't feel serious enough about you etc etc

But another one: some people just like to compartmentalise people in their lives. I have some of these traits, like I have my work friends, and my old school friends, and my old university friends, and my friends-through-my-boyfriend and I am never that comfortable in situations when friends from different groups are thrown together. I just feel uncomfortable and pressured being the sole connecting factor in a group of people, silly as that may be. Like if they don't get on, it will be my fault, and I will have to work hard to make them like each other. I know it's stupid but I've been this way for ages, and it's part of the reason I never, ever celebrate my birthday except with one or two people at a time. It is not at all my idea of fun to go on holidays with people from diverse friendship groups, or to have a dinner party with a mix of school and work friends. Maybe your DP is a bit like this?

Not saying that if he is you just have to go along with it, of course that's not a practical way to continue to live your lives. He'll have to get over it eventually and just go with the merge. But maybe he's just a natural compartmentalising type, and there's nothing more sinister at play.

I've been going out with my bf for 7 months. I've met his DS a few times and he's met my DC once. He's also met my mum and dad (they were up here visiting and it felt right for them to meet). I don't feel the need for everyone to keep seeing each other - my relationship with him is much more focused on him and me at the moment.

I was rather hoping OP would come back...

It sounds to me like he doesn't see you as long term yet, he's not sure - it's ok to get involved with your DCs because if he decides to end your relationship he'll never see them again so he won't have to deal with the fall out and it "doesn't matter" if they are upset, whereas his DCs' feelings towards you would be his problem if they get attached to you and then he ends it. He would have to deal with that.

Also, it could be his mum and sister don't approve of his marriage ending, so introducing you would make them deal with the fact it's really over - some men just like an easy life, even if achieving that involves treating their partner rather badly.

I personally would start reducing the amount of time your DCs spent with him. Try to insist on things being just the two of you, go out for dates, don't invite him to their school events etc, then if he does end it, he's not as involved in their lives and it will be a little easier for them. If he starts getting you involved with his DCs and family, you can start introducing him back in.

oh, and I wouldn't have him coming on the family holiday with your DCs! Really, until their's some committment from him, you shouldn't be allowing him to play happy families with your DCs.