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Original poster

He WON'T let me meet his kids!!

78 replies

Mirage80 · 17/11/2012 22:56

Been together about 7/8 months. He's met my kids, they get on great and we go on lots of "family" days out. He is however, reluctant to let me meet HIS kids (15 and 17 years old).

I don't understand and I take it as an insult that he feels it's fine to share my whole life yet he's only willing to share half of his.

The subject of Christmas came up, he said he will give my children money for christmas - I asked what he wanted me to do about HIS children since, although they're aware of my existence, they have never met me. He said to just leave it.

Why the reluctance???

We're going on holiday soon (me, him and my kids) and he said he felt guilty that his own kids were missing out. I said "well, later on, maybe we could take your kids on a holiday?" and he replied "yeah - or .... maybe ... if you didn't mind .... I could take them on holiday by myself?" - this suggests he doesn't see me meeting them years down the line!!!

Am I being pushy or what? My mate thinks he's being weird and disrespectful expecting to be a part of my kids lives whilst denying me the chance to be a part of his kids lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mirage80 · 17/11/2012 23:25

But he's not secretive with me. Today he suggested we go around the town centre shopping - if he had anything to hide, why would he want to go to the most densely populated area in town? If we bump into his friends he introduces me as his girlfriend.

I'm just sick of it all. He's been saying for months that he wants me to meet his sister and mother yet he's never arranged it. He never even talks about me meeting his kids.

OP posts:
difficultpickle · 17/11/2012 23:31

In which case he doesn't see you as anything long term, sorry.

squeakytoy · 17/11/2012 23:34

Have you ever been to his house?

It sounds very suspicious to me too.

Ifancyanewname · 17/11/2012 23:34

Does his ex wife live in your area where he takes you out shopping? Could you suggest an xmas get together with his mother, say you'd like to see her to giver her a present as you have been together for a while? Maybe pursue that before his children.

Casmama · 17/11/2012 23:35

Sorry, I think he's just not that into you and doesn't see it lasting.

Original poster
Mirage80 · 17/11/2012 23:35

See what pisses me off is that he always wants to be involved in my kids. I mentioned the christmas carol thing that I was going to take my kids to - he wants to come too. I mentioned that i was taking them quad biking - he wants to come too.

Next weekend we're going to meadowhall shopping - was originally just me and him. Well he wants to take my kids and all go as a family. It's like he wants to pretend we're one big happy family whilst keeping his 'other' family totally separate from me.

OP posts:
MmeLindor · 17/11/2012 23:36

I don't think that 8 months is too long really. A lot of people want to wait for a while before introducing a new partner to their kids - to save the DC having a constant stream of people coming in and out of their lives.

Do you ask him about it a lot?

akaemmafrost · 17/11/2012 23:37

My SIL has been with her DP for 7 years and never met his dc. Teenagers too. I don't think it's that much of an issue myself.

YouOldSlag · 17/11/2012 23:42

akaemmafrost- SEVEN YEARS? and not met the kids? that's crazy!

SirBoobAlot · 17/11/2012 23:47

Seven years and she hasn't met the kids?! Shock Something not right about that...

Cahoots · 17/11/2012 23:49

I don't think he is BU. His DC are teenagers and are may or may not want to meet you. At 15 and 17 they will be busy with other things. You don't live with him and have not. Been dating him that long. I really wouldn't worry about it.
I would encourage him to go on holidays ith them on his own, then he can consentrate on maintaining his relationship with them. He has only been divorced two years and may have a difficult relationship with them.

I think you are being a bit pushy.

mcmooncup · 17/11/2012 23:51

Why did he get divorced?

Helltotheno · 17/11/2012 23:52

It's like he wants to pretend we're one big happy family whilst keeping his 'other' family totally separate from me

Tbh do you really want someone whose life is so unknown to you to be so involved with your children?? OK I accept that I'm saying that mainly because I'd never let anyone close to my children in your situation... not for a long, long time and only when I was absolutely sure I was in a potentially lasting relationship (so probably never!). It's up to each individual I guess but my strong feeling on this would be to rein things in until you get to the truth....

akaemmafrost · 17/11/2012 23:53

They didn't want to meet her. He was fine about them meeting but dc didn't want to.

FromEsme · 17/11/2012 23:55

I don't think it's pushy. Different people have different expectations. Some people want to meet children etc quickly; others don't. Both ways are fine, but if you have different expectations, I think it would be difficult to maintain a relationship.

However, he seems to be happy to meet your children, be very involved in YOUR life while you aren't involved in HIS. That, to me, is a massive alarm bell moment. I have met guys like this and they tend to be emotionally distant at best, big fucking liars at worst.

mcmooncup · 17/11/2012 23:55

I agree with helloto.

You seem to know nothing about this man you are letting be in contact with your children.

akaemmafrost · 17/11/2012 23:56

Think it's different when the dc are teenagers. If they don't want to they don't want to, can't make them.

hatesponge · 17/11/2012 23:57

All of this seems extremely one-sided.

I can't imagine a situation where I would allow anyone to meet my DC without already having met theirs, or some plan in place as to when I should do so.

This bloke is either married/in a relationship (and I don't think having seen one or two of his friends is any proof that he isn't, I know several married men whose friends collude in their affairs, and in a situation like that would say nothing!)

If he's not in a relationship, he either doesn't see this as longterm.

Or theres something else weird going on.

It's not just the children, it's not having met his family...I wonder if the OP has even been to his house? (but if not I would strongly suspect the married thing tbh)

tallwivglasses · 18/11/2012 00:00

Have you asked why? As in 'Why aren't you allowing me to meet your kids...or your mum...or your sister?'

Why? What's his explanation? And if he just hasn't got round to it yet Hmm tell him to phone them NOW. They know about you, you'd like to have a chat.

In other words, confront the flakey fucker.

OpheliaPayneAgain · 18/11/2012 00:02

Perhaps his kids don't want to meet you?

babyboomersrock · 18/11/2012 00:02

Teenagers are rarely keen to meet new partners. They usually want to see their father on his own and don't relish being part of a new family.

However, I agree with the others who've warned against letting him be so involved in your own children's lives. I suspect there's a lot about him that you don't know and your children should be able to spend time alone with you, as he apparently does with his family.

hatesponge · 18/11/2012 00:03

It doesn't have to be a big drama though, the 'meeting' does it? So I don't buy the my teenagers don't want to meet someone as being a valid excuse.

I have 1 teen, and 1 almost teen. If and when I meet someone I am serious about, he WILL meet my children, because ultimately I'd want him to be part of my life, and that includes knowing my DC. However I don't in any way envisage this being in some horribly formal way, more like him popping round for a coffee whilst the DC are here. So they'll see him in passing, but I won't be sitting them down to make conversation (unless they wanted to). It should be the same with the OP, surely? It's quite easy to arrange something like that.

ivykaty44 · 18/11/2012 00:03

my friends dad has remarried and she has not met his wife of two years - she doesn't want to. Her dd turned 21 recently and she had a big family dinner, but her dad wasn't invited as she didn't want his wife there. Sometime people for wahtever reasons don't want to meet the new g/f/wife or b/f hubby. Odd as it maybe thats just the way it is sometimes

akaemmafrost · 18/11/2012 00:05

I just do not think this is a big deal, I really don't. It's teenagers, why WOULD they want to? I wouldn't have, at all.

I think you probably have different expectations that you should maybe discuss with him but I don't think this is a deal breaker.

DioneTheDiabolist · 18/11/2012 00:07

Regardless of the reasons behind it, I think you should start being as protective of your family as he is of his family.

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