If your ex...

[Pickles77]

Suddenly decided to tell you he wanted to try again with your 9 week old baby after he made you leave at 24 weeks pregnant to go back to your parents, and leave your job. Whilst he spent your pregnancy in bed with someone you hate, what would you do?

Especially if you had just met someone wonderful else

With no deceleration of love or anything.

I really hope you agree with the four letter phrase with the last word ending off I just directed at him

Forget both of them. You don't need a man, although the confidence boost is no bad thing
If you are anything like I was you don't have the time or energy to find a decent new man. I know I wanted the support and love, but really, I spent 29 years (not quite but YKWIM) trying to find a guy like that and two years on from thinking I found one, he is certainly not. It is hard but you do need to be in the right place yourself first. I don't want a man at the mo as it is just too much drama. I need some stability and with DD on my own that is hard enough! I am going to my first WI meeting tomorrow and hoping it will give me a sense of ME back. It's a small step but these are the things we don't get time for as single mum's, but they mean so much more because we can so quickly feel ambushed and obliterated by our new lives.
I have hope for the future, with or without a man. Ex has nothing to do with me any more and I don't let myself think too deeply about what he is doing or has done as it doesn't help anything. You help yourself live the life you want first and foremost (with DD obvs!) and it will work out well in the long run.

yeah, i read that book. i loved her last chance saloon book. my favourite of MK's for,,,,,,,,,, personal reasons!! there's a character in it who is emotionally abusive. it was a much more skillful characterisation than paddy de courcy in 'This Charming Man'.

I love that book. Yes that's what he is like. Telling me im a nightmare and difficult, I make everything a drama but he can cope with it if I try and change.
Amazing isn't it. There is nothing wrong with me. He just brings out my worst side.

Im going to go and get that book from the library today I haven't read it for years

Ha! and we all know that that bullshit translates back into English as 'you must never complain about anything selfish or thoughtless that i do, or complain about anything fair and reasonable that I don't do. If you ever stand up to me or challenge me I will call that 'drama'. So are we on the same page now? Let's try again than shall we?

Some offer!!!

I don't think he brings any "side" out in you Pickles, I think he just thinks you're a nightmare because his idea of the perfect woman is someone who agrees with his every word, never objects to anything, is horny at the drop of a hat and loves housework so much that she never has any desire to do anything else! And because you don't fit into his (frankly, boring and impossible) mould he thinks you have a problem - normal emotional responses are "drama", normal objections/differences of opinion are you being "difficult" or "argumentative", wanting to have a sit down once in a while is being "lazy", having any interests which don't revolve around him or the children are "selfish"...

Luckily normal people are attracted to personality, rather than lack of it! And hence, he'll struggle to keep hold of any relationship for too long either (I like to think of this as karma )

So true Bertie. that would have been my x's perfect woman. When I felt weary of arguing and slid into a 'put up and shut up' mode while I tried to figure out what to DO next that might work better than challenging him.... he would turn around to me with a big smile and tell me how well we were getting on. My deepest misery coincided with him being happy in the relationship.

And let's not forget the parenthood model. It is the mother's job to wash and iron the children and hang them up in the cupboard until Daddy wants to play with them, then switch them off and take them away again when he gets tired/bored. Children shouldn't get dirty and noisy and have meltdowns and wake up in the night and need feeding at inconvenient hours and want to hog the TV when CBeebies is on and pull the plug out of your WII while you're playing it instead of minding them and get bored and whiny and sometimes ill and pukey. If they do, it's all the mother's fault.

Oh yes that is the life I would lead- lovely eh?

Pickles - stay strong, you do not need that absolute wanker in your life, you are worth a million of him! I know it would be nice to be with your baby's Daddy and have the family you always pictured - but that would never happen with him and that's what you have to hold onto, he will always make you unhappy, full of self doubt and he will always make everything your fault, he's unable to take any responsibility for anything.

I bet he hasn't even told the OW.

Why does he still have the ability
To make me feel shit??
And cause an argument with a straight talking friend?
And why is it me sat in tears yet again because I feel low & weak again. And I hadn't even let him in.

No he hasn't, not really. Took her to the park but it was my idea.
He screamed at me down the phone earlier that I haven't changed. I'm just a drama queen. I cause a scene out of everything. He has spent months deciding to try again and now I don't want to just to cause a drama because I haven't changed.
He's done what I wanted and now I've changed my mind just to be a cow and DD will be disapointed in my because I've fucked up again.
So I said fine try again then and he screamed leave me alone down the phone.
I said that if he was going to be abusive to me we would have to go through contact centres and he screamed at me that I'm unreasonable and unrational.

I do know it's all bollocks or I hope it is but here I am sat in tears feeling like a crap mum. I feel awful. Because I've let him do this. Again.
Or am I in the wrong?

Pickles my love , of course you are not in the wrong . Deep down you KNOW this , and this fucker is playing with your head .

He spent months deciding to try again ? WTAF ? That line alone shows what he thinks of you . That he can do exactly what he pleases , and what YOU want , to him is irrelevant . THAT is why he's behaving as he is , because you are not being what he wants you to be . You have done SO well so far. He had no right do this to you , and if he carries on like this , I'd be seriously considering harassment allegations .

And another thing . DD will NEVER be disappointed in her mum, who looked after her all her life , who gave her so much love , and showed her that she didn't have to accept a life of tears and abuse .

How dare he. How fucking dare he .

Thank you I cant believe I'm sat here crying because of him again and judging myself

He says she will be disapointed in me as I moved on with someone else and messed things up with her daddy and didn't give him a chance just to cause drama.
Funny how he knows my counselling and new relationship are finished now

It is horrible when people think badly of you, especially someone who's supposed to love you. Really, though, it's because he's horrible, not because you are. He treated you like a piece of dirt when you were pregnant, but you're wrong and peculiar not to just forgive, forget and be humbly grateful he wants to ooze his way back into your life? I do not think so.

By the way, just in case you're wondering, screaming down the phone is not generally seen as endearing. It's not you being strangely fussy. And if you enjoyed drama you'd enjoy the yelling, which you don't. So I think we can be fairly convinced it's him who's the crap one.

It's so sad it really is. What makes them like this?

Fo you have facebook - is he a friend on there? If not, you need to look at your RL friends and see who is feeding him this information.

He makes you feel like shit because he's a shit, but you don't have to let him affect you like this. You need to build up your resistance to his crap.

You know it's bullshit.
You know he's a shit.
You know he treats you like shit.
You know he treats your DD like shit.
You know he's FULL of shit.

Do NOT judge yourself - judge HIM

Are these the actions of a man who loves you?
Are these the actions of a man who loves his DD?
Are these the actions of a man who is sorry for leaving you when you were pregnant?
Are these the actions of a man who is sorry he was fucking someone else?

Are these the options of a adult or a manchild?

Do NOT fall for his utter, utter crap about letting your DD down.

HE let her down by treating you like crap.
HE let her down by pretty much ignoring her since she was born.

HE is continuing to let her down by treating her mother like this.

The way he shouts and screams at you is wrong, so wrong. You would be an absolute fool to subject you and your DD to that.

Stay strong, dig deep - you KNOW you aren't letting your DD down, you KNOW that not being with his is the best thing for you and your DD.

What Chipping said.

How dare he lay any blame at your door, when he was the one fucking someone else? And doing it at a time when you were at your most vulnerable.

He's scum. Please don't engage with him further. You cannot talk to him as he is not reasonable. Life is all about him. If he wants contact with your DD, get someone else to deal with him on your behalf. You don't have to put up with his behaviour.

Don't think of it as sad. Think how lucky you and your DD are to escape this man.

He screamed at me down the phone earlier that I haven't changed. I'm just a drama queen. I cause a scene out of everything. He has spent months deciding to try again and now I don't want to just to cause a drama because I haven't changed.

This just made me laugh - not in a a "funny ha ha" kind of way but more of a gasping, stunned "I can't believe how self-deluding some people are" kind of way.

Because you are still emotionally involved with him (this is not a criticism BTW, just a natural thing considering all that has happened and how recently it has all been), it makes you really doubt yourself and it's very upsetting. For someone who is not emotionally involved it is obvious that he has serious problems which have nothing, and I mean NOTHING, to do with you.

Trying to use projections of how your DD might view the situation in the future (which are nonsense anyway; she will grow up to make up her own mind about all of this and TBH the details are not her business anyway) is just another example of how delusional he is.

I agree with Leverette that he thinks you're being entirely unreasonable for not playing the role he has cast for you.

I really think you need to stop answering his calls, and if things need to go through a contact centre for the time being then fine. He is being completely irrational, ridiculous and emotionally abusive. You cannot ARGUE someone into a relationship with you. And anyway he's just getting huffy because you won't do what he wants you to - treating you like a toy that doesn't work. Bad luck Mr Ex, Pickles has a backbone and if you don't like it, it's your problem!

Thank you ladies, you remind me I'm not mental!
Im not sure who is telling him about my life to be honest.
Nice walk cleared my head. I just hope he doesn't treat DD this way when she is older.
Yes I think because I was stronger he tried it on again. Small blip from me but I can move forward again

He has spent months deciding to try again

Has he? Oh how very fucking marvellous of him.

Wanker.

These will be the same months that you spent being pregnant, giving birth and looking after your newborn, alone, yes?

Please disengage with this manchild, you have a real baby to deal with, he can go and find a dummy and suck on it.

Id tell him to fuck the fuck off!