H has left. How do you deal with devastation.

[Capslockshift]

Here is my situation. H has been displaying classic signs of MLC for past year.
He started going to gym, and eventually spending more and more time there. Became distant and emotionally unavailable. We have 4DC. I tried to get him to talk about what was wrong and how we could fix things. He explained that he had felt that we were in a bit of a rut and that we should try to do more things together: walks/ lunches etc, which we did. A few months ago he started spending more time at gym and becoming even more distant at home with me and the children. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and asked him if he was seeing someone else. He said no. I asked if he had maybe met someone at gym. He said no. Alarm bells started deafening me when he out of the blue he decided on a new phone contract, and then would not let phone out of his sight. I asked him why he was being so careful with the phone and he went mad and said I was spying on him and that I was making our situation a million times worse with my behaviour. He said he found the atmosphere at home intolerable and that he needed space. I ended up apologising. When ever I tried to discuss the situation it would end up with me in tears, and him saying " I dont know what you want me to say". We decided that if he needed space that he should move out for a few weeks and have time to think, but yesterday I caught him out on a lie as to where he had been on Monday after work, and he finally came clean. He said: " I met someone at the gym and over time we have developed a friendship" It turns out she is younger than him and has a child. He has been meeting up with her regularly and contacts her using the phone hence the secrecy. I knew in my heart he was seeing someone. He says that it hasnt gone beyond friendship but he has a bond with this woman. I am absolutely devastated. We told our 4DC last night that my H was moving out. They are aged 9 to 16. They are so upset and we were all just crying for hours. He obviously doesnt love me anymore. I am far from family with only a part time job ( the same place my H works so I cant stay there) and we are living in a rented house. I need some practical advice please on what to do. It feels as if we are grieving for my H. He has gone to a bnb temporarily until he can rent somewhere for himself. He says he wants to come back regularly to see the children. I want to control how often that happens.
He has obviously been thinking about the outcome of this for a while and I am reeling with the end of our marriage.

"as long as I can still be part of your life"????

Should have thought about that a bit earlier really. Sounds like he expects to keep you as his bezzy friend whilst parking his knob elsewhere. Nicely compartmentalised. Wife and kids welcoming him with open arms on one doorstep, OW doing the same on another.

Caps - I'm glad you and your dc had a bit of a laugh last night. You're setting such a good example to them - you should feel very proud of yourself. Hope work goes ok today and good luck with CAB. Have you got a free half hour with a solicitor booked?

It's a variation on I still want to be friends. I care about you. We will always be in each other's lives. Blah blah blah.

Cut yourself free. You need to heal and recover, find your new and wonderful life.

I know it hurts my darling. But what a great mum and fine person you are. You can hold your head up in life.

Save your tears, OP. The usual pattern is that when these men realise it isn't going the way they planned they get nasty, resentful and vengeful. Be on your guard and get all the protection and advice you need in place before it all turns sour.

You might find this an interesting read:

Ten Hallmarks of Wife Abandonment Syndrome

Good morning Caps hope you have a useful chat with your boss today. If you start the ball rolling finding out what you are entitled to and how things are financially you will feel a little less like it is all out of your control.

Very likely your OH will feel a first flush of relief now the secret's out. Bizarrely this can show itself in almost affectionate behaviour towards you which is very confusing and just tugs at your battered heartstrings to maybe hope for his return. He can afford to be amiable and knows you won't want to say anything damaging in front of the children when he comes and goes . Of course he is as likely to be arranging a lovely weekend or holiday away with OW as a reward to himself. He can compartmentalise like he has done for months.

Hope you get on all right today your MN supporters are with you in spirit.

Sending you so much love and positive energy... my husband left me and our 3 year old son three weeks ago. The first 2 weeks for me were spent in a comma like state. Make sure that you eat, sleep, and get out for walks / swim! Friends and family have been amazing. The ladies on this site are truely amazing! x

PS forgot to say that I bagged up 8 black bin liners of his stuff, through the on the drive and pavement - one broke open so couldn't resist placing it over a muddle puddle - placed a picture of our son and a packet of condoms on top ! A neighbour came out and I said this is what you get for adultery! It felt good for a couple of hours ! Neighbours have since come over and offered support - washing machine broke down so this support come in handy! And yes saw another note re STD tests, which I had done this week, go with a friend as I found this really upsetting. As for where he is going to stay, not your problem! I know it's not legal but i changed the locks, made an excuse that I left the key in the door so had to change them. xx

There's nothing I can add except to send a huge hug to you.. I too have been in the same position , and 15 years later I don't recognise the man... he is a shell of who he was with me and his kids ( who are now grown up and fairly estranged from him) I feel sorry for him tbh , and his stupid selfish decisions back then which steered his life in a screwy direction and changed him as a person... There's a heavy price to pay for the instigator of such damage to the family/children. Parents who stray and hurt their children so badly struggle very deeply for the rest of their lives , even if they never admit it. You are so strong , and you and the kids will be ok.

Gosh what a sad thread. I am so sorry to hear about what your DH has done. I hope the DC's are OK. It must be so difficult for them. It is dissapointing, to say the least, to find out that your Dad is such an idiot at their age. At their age they may be able to manage and, possibly arrange, contact with their DaD themselves.

Calm, buisness like and distant is the way to go but accept that this is always easier said than done. I can't think of any other advise that hasn't already been given but do make sure you look after yourself. I am sure it will get better in time. I hope you have lots of RL support.

What will you do about Xmas?

You know when you get a 'concerned' text it would be helpful to think that this is actually all about him and having his ego fed and absolutely nothing about any genuine concern for you. People have any sense of decency towards others don't behave as your husband has.

He wants to hear you are suffering as it makes them feel better and important. Ego pandering is often the motivation for affairs in the first place.

Don't give him what he wants.

If you can hold your steel the next time you have an interaction tell him your initial response was shock but now you have had time to reflect he hasn't been a good partner for ages and you have been unhappy. Then thank him for going to allow you to move on with your life. Cheerful disposition every time you see him from then on.

He won't know what has hit him.

Keep your counsel. Only let a very select amount of people know how you are feeling and to the rest convey the good riddance to bad rubbish stance.

Next time he tries any intimacy or steps over any personal boundaries tell him it is no longer appropriate or that it is his need not yours.

Hope you get some good advice today. STI test is needed because he has been sleeping with this woman and you can't take a liar's word for truth.

Write down all the horrible stuff he has done for focus purposes too.

Good advice Queenie

I spoke to boss today and handed in my notice. Boss was great, understanding and sympathetic. I spoke to two mums at school who have been in similar situation and they offered practical advice on who to speak to about benefits and practicalities. Feel that I am making progress. Two emotional texts from H. Im finding it hard to understand just what is going on with him. He came to house to pick up stuff and talk to kids. I arranged for him to take them out. He asked to talk to me when he brought them back. He was very emotional ( not like him at all). He says he doesnt know why he has behaved as he has. He swears that the relationship with the ow has not gone beyond friendship. He was crying, I was calm, a total reversal of the normal situation. I suggested that this is a knee jerk reaction to him being away from the house and that the underlying unhappiness is still there and the reasons he sought " friendship" with ow is still there. It was very weird. I feel as though I have been totally wrung out emotionally. He is behaving very strangely. I am calming down and he is becoming more emotional.

You are quite the inspiration lady... hold onto that moral highground/calm , it will carry you through , biggest hug to you xx

You did so well in the face of a lot of attempted emotional manipulation.

It's very impressive actually. You really called him on his bull.

Put some space between you so he stops offloading off on you now.

Yep, reality sets in for H. This is how it's going to be now and it all feels a bit too harsh and real for him.

Sobbing guilty ruin of a man, wow what a prize OW is getting.

Don't think it will be too long until he comes running back. Only you can decide what you want at that time.
You are doing really well, unlike him.

sounds like you have the upper hand now. as Doha says, only you can decide what you want to do in the future if he does ask to come back. For now, start to live your single life, do not make anything easy for him, look after yourself and just take one day at a time.

You are doing amazingly well

He's lying about the friendship

Not another crying whinging cheat - he is crying for HIMSELF and not for hurting you.

It is all about him and you are so right in saying that "that underlying unhappiness is still there and the reasons he sought " friendship" with ow is still there".

Only he can resolve his own issues and he needs to understand that instead of trying to seek comfort from the one person he has so cruelly betrayed.

Not sure whether handing in your notice is a good idea. It may affect what benefits you are entitled to as you have made yourself 'voluntarily' unemployed (they won't necessarily care about the circumstances). You may also find work a bit of an escape for you in terms of having to focus on your work for a few hours rather than your situation.

Please check the benefits situation. I'm sure your boss will be OK if you change your mind and withdraw.

I've been through this, except it wasn't the gym, it was Twitter. He had several "virtual" relationships and I forgave them as they were never actual physical affairs, but I then caught him having a proper affair (meeting in hotels etc, the works) nearly two years ago, and have since discovered he had at least one, possibly two 'physical' affairs before that one.

The long and the short of it is I feel liberated without him. His perpetual state of misery and need for emotional drama had been weighing me down for years, finally asking him to leave when I found out about his affair was like lifting a weight off my shoulders. The first few months were hard, the kids were unsettled and I always had at least one, often both of them in my bed at night, but in the last two years I have done more and enjoyed my life in ways I never did when he was around. I have taken the girls on holiday (required careful budgeting but we managed) and to all kinds of fun events like musical festivals etc, we have moved house, got pets that he would've blocked for no real reason, and so on.

There is a life after separation, and it can actually be better in many ways than the life you had before.

Stay strong.

Well I don't blame you for not being able to face working there any more. You really need to see a solicitor - have you been able to go through my earlier post and make arrangements yet?

OP, how are you?