I can't go on.

[DeadInside]

I don't know what to do. H and I had an arguement on Saturday. He pushed me (by the throat) so hard I feel over and hit my head on a chest of drawers. I think I landed badly on my hip too as it's quite bruised and it hurts to walk. I got up and he pushed me again, this time into the wall.

I called the police as I am now seriously frightened of him. They took him for questioning but of course I didn't press charges as he would have lost his job and with it the house we live in. He is back in the huse but we don't speak.

The thing is I now know exactly who he is. He has hurt me before in arguements but not for a yeat at least. I am afraid of him and know that from now on a part of me will always be afraid. I know he can and will hurt me. He has said 'sorry' but in a way whoch makes it clear he doesn't mean it. He says I have hurt him in the past. I have pucnhed him in the arm before yes, never hard, never with the intent to really really hurt him and never inteding to frighted him. But it was wrong, yes.

We have 2 DC. He has slowly begun to poisen the eldest again me. He undermines me and encouages talking back and refusing to do anything I ask.

I can't go on. I am drowning in fear and hate. But of course there is the panic. I am in tbe position Xenia constantly tells us 'only a moron would put themselves in', I have no job so no income and nowhere to go. My spine has turned to jelly. I despise myself. How did I end up with someone who would hurt me? I look at my friends and I know their husbands wouldn't hurt them. He has always had a temper, but I didn't know he could go this far. He pushed me not knowing or caring what woukd happen. At deep down I think ge was pleased I hit my head as I was hurt, but he can say he didn't hit me.

He tells me I'm unhinged and that he'll tell SS I tried to kill myself (7 years ago) so he'll get the children. I don't know what to do. I think he wants me to have breakdown. I think he will keep on until I crack and do something silly.

'But he will convince everyone I'm mad'

Everyone on here believes you DeadInside. All of us. Your friends will believe you. Your family will believe you. You know the truth.

'He keeps saying 'I would never hurt the DC'

He already is hurting them. He's filling their heads with horrible stuff about their mum. They are only little now but what will happen when they get older and more independent and try to get in between you and him? He's treating their mother horribly and that in itself is hurting the DCs.

If anyone believed that he 'just' pushed you, then they are not worth having on your side.
What is acceptable about a push in a relationship? It's an aggressive act and you didn't fall over by yourself. You fell as a result of his aggression against you. You must stop thinking about how he might twist things. Regardless of the policeman, there is a record of this incident.

You don't need his permission to take your kids to a place of safety. He's already been reported for violence so the police will be aware of this. Do you have any money? Do you have access to a bank account?

get legal advice - AND DO IT

draw up a list of 5 thiings you need t odo (eg pac bag, phone W Aid etc)
report bac later

Mumsnet will help you
it will be fine

You do not need his permission to take your children to visit your parents.

Are there any family members that come come and pick you up if you dont think the car will make it?

Have you seen a Dr about the blurred vision after banging your head??

The eldest adores him. Would always rather be with him than me. But weirdly when he was taken away he said 'Mummy when Daddy frightens me I just really small so he'll leave me alone, so next time Daddy hurts you, you just make yourself really small too', so he must know he has a temper.

Your eldest will be as scared as you are and will be frightened of doing anything to make your H angry.

You need to do something urgently to protect yourself. Have you rung Women's Aid or the doctor?

Don't wait to see what will happen when he comes home. Its only a matter of time before he hurts you again.

You must get away from him, for your safety and that of your children. Listen to your son-he is already scared of his Dad.

If a group of strangers on the net believe you, so will people in real life.

We believe you.

The police will not take your children away from you on the say of an angry man reporting his wife for leaving. I bet he wouldn't do that anyway-he's a bully and they are basically cowardly.

Please go to the doctors about your blurred vision.

'But weirdly when he was taken away he said 'Mummy when Daddy frightens me I just really small so he'll leave me alone, so next time Daddy hurts you, you just make yourself really small too'

That is just heartbreaking DeadInside. Your DS doesn't adore him, he's petrified of him and is trying his best not to cause any trouble so he's staying close to him and trying to make him happy. That is such a sad burden for a little one to bear. He knows that his mummy is being hurt by his daddy and he's trying to protect you.

Your eldest DC's words have reduced me to tears.

Please, please, please do as the wise women on this thread suggest and ring Women's Aid and get out.

This may the first time you have found yourself in this situation, and it must be so, so hard to get your head round, but others have been there before you - please take their advice.

YOU and your DC are the most important thing. Value yourself and them and get yourselves away from this awful violent man.

Get away from this man - he is going to destroy your children's lives if you let him.

Also in tears at your eldests words.

Have been 'watching' thread but others have posted with great advice so didn't feel the need to post until now.

Get your children & go to your parents, ask any of your friends/family for help.

If you were my relative/friend I would drive you/help no problem.

Your son's words are heartbreaking. They tell you that:

• he doesn't adore him. He's frightened of him and has learnt to behave in a way that pleases his father in order to keep himself safe
• that he's learnt strategies to minimise the risk to himself. Risk from his father. From one of the two people with whom he should feel safest.
• that he sees you as someone who could benefit from his strategies in avoiding your husband's anger. He's trying to keep you safe. Shouldn't he have faith that you can make his world safe?

We believe you and it doesn't matter if he 'makes you out' to be irrational. No one who matters will believe that. And that's really not what is important in your situation.

I have no experience of this, other than the posts i read on MN. I just wanted to offer virtual handholding really.
The one thing i have learned of MN is this never gets better. You never know what is around the corner, so please, please get your children and get out of there. What would happen if he came home in a bad mood and one of the DC irritated him? That could happen tonight and you would never forgive yourself.

Ring womans aid, there will be a refuge somewhere nearby where you can formulate a plan in safety. or a friend, any family etc. i know you said your car wouldn't make a long trip, but you could always ring your parents. Talk to people about it and it will seem more possible, just don't alert him to anything.

Meant to say on another similar thread a few nights back - If anyone is ever in the position where partner has been abusive and it is middle of the night with no one to go to, it is always worth turning up on the local vicars doorstep. (NOT religious, or a nut job BTW). My Dad is a vicar and we have helped a few women in these scenarios. He has given them a bed for the night then helped them to get to somewhere safe. Just another thought, always worth having another option.

Your eldest is, sadly, wise beyond his years. 'Make yourself small' is the saddest thing I've heard in a long time. He doesn't adore his father, he's just trying to keep himself safe. It'll be killing him that he can't protect you, his lovely mum. Please make the call, buy the railway ticket and get yourself and your children safe.

(Horseygeorgie - Good thought generally, in this case just only works as long as OP's husband is not the local vicar. There are a few jobs where a house goes with the job. Presumably being a vicar is still one of them..)

good point mentlejen, hadn't thought of that...! It is possible of course. yes, still get a freezing cold unheatable pile of badly built bricks house with the job lol.

NO-ONE will believe you are mad. How many people on here think you are mad? Not a single one. We all believe you. He waslaughingwith the policeman because pathetic abusers like him like to play the big man and actually believe people won't see through him. Conversely, police officers will tolerate ore en appear to slightly encourage banter insituations like this because it will calm the offender down and also because it gives them the measure of the man - by seeing if he'll react by joking and pretending it's all alot of fuss over nothing, that is how they know he is a scumbag who abused you. Because a normal, non-abusive man who had accidentally hurt you would be upset, freaked out and full of remorse and self-hate. Think about how you'd react if you hurt someone you loved by mistake - would you be messing about, having a laugh? Of course not, and the police know he's a cunt just by his abnormal reaction.

Another couple of big points about your Dc that I really, really want you to take in and fully digest: 1) by teaching them to be nasty to you,he is badly abusing them. A child's mother is the centre of their universe; to force a child to reject her and see her as bad is to destroy their world and everything they know about security and happiness into a million pieces. This is abuse that will have far worse lasting affects than if he was actually beating them.
2) His treatment of you, coupled with trying to turn them against you, is essentially training them to be women-hating abusers of the future. Every day he is reducing their chances of being able to have normal, healthy relationships with people in the future.
This is the big one you need to understand- 3: children will often appear closer to abusive parents, to love them more, to not be able to live without them. This is total defence mechanism stuff and not the truth. Even without understanding what they are doing, they know to make Daddy feel wonderful, perfect, a king amongst men, etc., so he will not turn his spotlight of abuse on them. They also act that way in the hope that if theymake Daddy feel good enough, he might be happy enough to leave Mummy alone. This is a heavy burden for a child to carry, and is also very damaging emotionslly in the long-term. This pattern is probably what made your husband how he is today: having a father who can only be kepy happy through impossible levels of perfection and not having to face any stress. He will thenhave internalised that level of need wothin himself; that anything less than perfect worship is a sign ofnot loving him and trying to make his world bad. And this is how your sons' needs will be being shaped too.

Your son'sheartbreaking words reveals to anyone who understands the above pattern that he does NOTadore his father over you, just that he daren't show you the true affection he feels because of his father's poisonous ways.

4. There will come a time when your sons are too old to continue making Daddy feel like that and he will turn on them too. Do not doubt this for a second.

The last thing I want to get across to you is this: stop giving a fuck about what anyone else might think. You do NOT need an excuse to leave anyone, ever. You could decide on a whim to leave a relationship, with no 'reason' and thatis your right and no-one else's business. And your partner is physically and emotionally abusing you and poisoning your Dc and emotionally abusing them. If those aren't decent enough reasons, if you needs reasons, then I do not know what is.

You are allowed to take them on a trip within your own country and you are certainly allowed to flee an abusive relationship. You will not have the children taken off you because you had MH issues many years ago nor will they take them off you if hecomes out with lies about suicide threats now. He is now in the system as a domestic violence perpetrator - they will know that that is just one of the pathetic and predictable tricks that abusers pull. You can now see clearly that he will not stop and that he enjoys abusing you. Please start seeing clearly that what he tells you are lies, lies, lies. It's hard to get out of the brainwashing of abuse, but you'vemade a powerful start. Build on it, don't back down, we are here for you. WE BELIEVE YOU.

OP, your son's words have brought tears to my eyes. That's so that he's "making himself small". He will remember that feeling, unfortunately. Please get out now and restart your life with your lovely children.

How are you today, OP? Thinking about you and hope you're doing ok.

Oh deadinside your heart must have broke when your eldest said that. PLEASE don't make him live 'making himself small' so his Daddy doesn't hurt him :(

You CAN take your children somewhere safe

RING WOMENS AID

They will answer all your questions. You must know you cannot live like this, you have parents that will help you, this IS possible.
Please do it for yourself and your beautiful children, they deserve more, you all do.

Please let us know you are OK when you can. Best of luck.