I've changed my mind about having a child but he won't.

[nickynackynoodle]

Hi, I've namechanged for this, it's eating my life at the moment. I'm married to a man 15 years older than me, I'm 29, he has three children from previous marriage, the youngest is 18. we have been married for three years.
When we got together he asked if I wanted children (I was 22 when I met him) and I said no, I didn't and never had.
I have changed my mind but I know he won't. He will call it a fad of mine and get angry if I try to talk about it. I know that if I try to talk about it he will sulk for weeks and life will be miserable. I'm so unhappy at the moment and I don't know what to do.

buffinmuffin your post made me so sad for you. I really hope you are okay. He sounds an awful man to have to live and share you life with. :(

The one thing I've noticed across the board on MN is that age,length of relationships and previously lovely natures do not stop men turning into utter arseholes,unrecognisable from the man one fell in love with. Is very sad. And worrying.

Alis - thank you. I am ok. I have a very supportive family, I'm going to live with my mum for a bit and I will sort out my career etc when it doesn't feel quite so overwhelming!

I naively thought once the baby was here, it would all be ok, but actually he has become almost unrecognisable, turning into 1950s chauvinist male. He has destroyed everything about me, including condemning my body (I'm a size ten now - get me to fat camp!), personality etc. I am a boring, fat, useless failure apparently. He said to the baby 'you've taken mummy away from me'. This is a 44 year old man!

I read the Lundy Bancroft book and it was disturbing! I laughed at a lot of it as it was surreal having my life laid out before me on the page.

Anyway, sorry to hijack the thread... I just hope the OP gets out; it's much harder with a baby!

That wasn't a hijack, buffin, it was bloody sound advice. All the best to you, and to the OP.

OP, it is a difficult position to be in but I can't see any way out of it without you parting. It already sounds as though the relationship is unbalanced, and with an Isis this huge between you, you could very soon end up loathing each other.

He really should have known you might change your mind. I know plenty of women who said they never wanted kids in their 20s and then lo and behold they hit 33 an suddenly could think of nothing else. They are all very happy mothers now.

As for your mum having warned you about this, I'm sure that if you end up leaving, your mum will support you. You will not look foolish. I heard a quote recently, "By the time I knew my dad was right, I had a son who knew I was wrong." You could be the parent in that equation one day. It will hurt like hell if you leave your husband, but sometimes you have to go through that pain in the short term to find long term happiness.

issue not Isis

This is always an issue in relationships with such a large age gap, especially when the older partner has dc from previous rl. I think it's almost always led to a relationship breakdown in all the situations I've known (the only times it hasn't is when the reluctant partner has agreed to having dc, often after an 'accidental' pg). This situation happens with when the genders are reversed too - lots of older divorced women get together with younger men who initially say they're not interested in having dc. Fast forward a few years, the guy decides he wants his own dc after all, and finds a new younger partner pretty sharpish. I've seen it happen so many times that I'd say the older women must know that the men will change their mind, but perhaps they're just enjoying the pleasures of having a younger man around while it lasts. Maybe your DH subconsciously knows at the back of his mind that it won't last, but has just enjoyed having you as part of his life for the past 7 years.

It sounds like leaving the relationship would be positive for you in lots of ways, and biologically it would be about the right time for you - it takes time to recover from a divorce, and time to find a long term partner who you'd want to start a family with, then time to get all the practical things into place. I would recommend some sort of counselling as well, as it sounds like this relationship has ground you down over the years, and you'll need support to help avoid getting into the same sort of relationship you're in now.

I think I need to leave.

"She has changed her mind, and that's ok, people do, but she has to accept that her DH has every right not to change his"

He may have the right to stick to his guns but he doesn't have the right to treat the OP like an annoying inconvenience for wanting to talk about changing hers. Sulking, moods and anger have no place in a loving adult relationship. No two people ever want exactly the same things, circumstances change, we learn, we grow, we change our perspective .... so a good marriage always involves compromise. When something very important comes up and there is no compromise to be had, either one party caves and goes on to feel unhappy or resentful... or you go your separate ways.

nicky it does rather sound like it's your only option. As Cogito says, it's not just this massive issue between you, it's his failure to engage in a reasonable way. The anger, the sulking - that's no way to live.

The problem as I see it is not that you OP changed your mind it?s that you feel so strongly that you can?t discuss it

Changing your mind about wanting children. Happens to both genders and both ways, in my 20 I was adamant I wanted children, but knew we weren?t in the ?right? place , job, education hell life wise.

In my 30s I felt differently, I was no longer sure, we had planned TTC about this time. This led to very long discussions with my partner including me ?giving? him permission to leave.

We talked and talked, no guilt, no pressure just both of us explored our feelings (God I sound very navel gazer here .)

That?s what should be happening, you should be able to talk about these things and you can?t, you actually sound afraid of him and that?s the issue.

Listen to all the great advice on here

And at 29 you?ve got years ahead of you. . . make them happy ones

Yes, you do, nicky.

Does he see the children he already has? Is he a good dad?

I sympathize with you as I went through this with my husband. He is 19 years older, and has a 19 year old from previous marriage. I have an 8 year old from a previous relationship and have been with my husband for 6 years.

In 2010 I was desperate for another child. He was not keen at all. His reasons for not wanting another child was because he was too old, and because we wouldn't beable to go on holidays on our own if we had another!!

It took over my life and my feelings didn't change. We went away on holiday and my dd nearly drowned (long story) this really changed him and it was after this horrible incident he told me he wanted to try for a baby!

We now have a 7 month old and are very happy. He's a good dad too. I know it rarely works out this way. It was definatley a deal breaker for me.

Another thing that would bother me about your partner is that he sounds very controlling. My husband isn't like that and if he had been, I would have been gone anyway.

Find someone abit younger that wants the same things as you. I would hate to be tied down to a bloke that you've described! Get out while you can! X

Yes he does although they are grown up now, 23, 22 and 18. He seems to be good, there is one grandson who he dotes on when we see him.

This is all ignoring the elephant in the room which is the other behavious though isn't it.

Yes, it is an elephant in the room.

If he was a decent guy, if you had a good relationship you would feel able to talk to him about this. And he would see it from your point of view as well as you seeing his point of view.

You would then discuss it over a period of time, and come to a conclusion. It could be that if your relationship is strong enough you could be happy without a child, it could be that he would realise how much having children meant to you and be happy to make you happy, or it could be that you would agree to separate.

The difficulty here is that you can't discuss it. Which is a sign that your relationship is not currently a happy one . So without a happy relationship, and without a child, your future doesn't look great. You would be much better out of it.

At least go away for a weekend and give yourself time to think it through.

Also bear in mind that there is a vast gulf between a grandson who he sees occasionally and a baby which lives with you and therefore is constantly at the centre of everything. If he doesn't want a baby, he probably will deeply resent this 'intrusion'.