I've changed my mind about having a child but he won't.

[nickynackynoodle]

Hi, I've namechanged for this, it's eating my life at the moment. I'm married to a man 15 years older than me, I'm 29, he has three children from previous marriage, the youngest is 18. we have been married for three years.
When we got together he asked if I wanted children (I was 22 when I met him) and I said no, I didn't and never had.
I have changed my mind but I know he won't. He will call it a fad of mine and get angry if I try to talk about it. I know that if I try to talk about it he will sulk for weeks and life will be miserable. I'm so unhappy at the moment and I don't know what to do.

What about the friend you saw last week? Why not arrange to go to see her for a night in the next week or two and try to talk it out, get it straight in your own mind?

She's far away from where I live. I was visiting last week, I'm sure I will find someone.

I agree that this is a deal breaker (apart from the fact he doesn't sound like a nice person anyway). 29 isn't old, but don't waste any more time on a relationship that isn't going anywhere and risk missing out on what you do want.

I am with an older man too OP. At 22 I was also saying I didn't want children. All of 2 years later I have very much changed my mind. He is not even remotely surprised. Your DH should have had the sense to at least entertain the idea that you may well change your mind.

I know it sounds extreme but I think,if you believe there is no talking to him,that you should leave. It's such an immense sacrifice. For both of you,if you have polar opposite feelings with regard to having children.

You were far too young to decide at 22 you didn't want children. Of course you were not expected to know that at the time. But I think he should have realised this. I blame him.

As far as I see it you have the following choices. One, try to make him change his mind. Two, stay and resign yourself to not have children, or 3 leave. There is the option of trying to get pregnant when he doesn't want to so I don't think I would recommend that though I know it has been done and will continue to be done. I think it is totally ridiculous and unkind to say this is a fad. It isn't. Good luck and I hope you sort things out.

"Predictably I don't see my friends very often as DH doesn't like me going away."

Even if all you do is get the credit card out and book yourself into a hotel for a mini-break, it would do you good. Give you time to think.

I'm going to go against the tide here. Your DH was open and honest with you from day one, and you married him on the understanding that he had completed his family and did not want any more children. You entered into that understanding as an adult, and the onus was on you to really think about it first. 22 is perfectly old enough to understand the implications of your decision.

If you have now changed your mind, expect him to feel very hurt, and in some ways cheated. You took away his chance of settling with a life partner who really did mean 'no kids, ever' which is what he wanted, and was honest enough to discuss with you in advance.

I've seen this happen from the other side, where it was the man who changed his mind. The wife was inconsolable and felt he had been unfair to her, lied to her, ruined her chance of settling with a man with the same life plan as her. At no point did she feel the onus was on her to assume he'd change his mind as he'd agreed too young. He did leave her, and he did have a family with another woman. She is still bitter.

If this is a deal breaker for you, then you should leave and have children with a man who also wants them. Don't expect your DH to want to discuss this (in his mind he did, at the start), and don't expect him to change his mind. Don't whatever you do have an accidental pregnancy. That would be unfair on the child.

What a relief that you have changed your mind! That will spur you to leave this controlling inadequate with very little fallout. How much worse if you had a child with him! Give yourself a chance to find a nice man and have a baby :) have a nice life, rather than a nasty one.

He's a bully and you need to get out. If you leave and he turns around and says I'll agree to have a baby, don't do it. You will spend x amount of years being controlled by him but with a DC thrown in the mix. What kind of life do you want to bring your baby into? Get out now and most likely you will eventually find a loving partner who wants the same things as you and treats you as an equal and with respect.

And remember, post divorce you will never have to see him again. And get some counselling to deal with your past (growing up in an alcoholic home) and your relationship so that you never end up with a man like him again.

The thing is, she would not just be leaving because she wants a child, but because she wants a partner she can discuss and be open with, who does not sulk and give her the silent treatment, and try to alienate her from her friends by trying to control who she sees and how often, etc.

Worsester and that's what's making my life miserable. I feel as though it's all my fault and I'm just using everything else as an excuse.
I can't concentrate on anything at the moment and it's so shit.

Leave him.

At 29 my ex h left me and I had to start all over again. I already had one dd from a previous relationship and I desperately wanted another child but never thought it would happen.

Two years after that I met my now dh andwe now have ds 5months.

Don't waste your time being with someone who doesn't want what you want. At 29 you have time to start over and make it happen.

You may have made a mistake in your choice of life partner but that's not the same as saying it's your fault or you're making excuses. If there was no discussion about children whatsoever you are still describing a very controlling man ... someone your mother obviously saw right through very early on. (I also married a man my DM didn't like.... I know how attractive that makes someone!)

So anyone can make a mistake... You did and I did. Doesn't mean we have to lie on the beds we've made and spend the rest of our lives blaming ourselves. That would just be stupid and a waste of time. Learn the lesson, move on and don't look back.

You're still young, you have a life ahead of you and let's face it, you wouldn't want children with this man anyway - your life would be even more miserable than it is now. He's obviously very controlling. Now that you've matured and have a better idea of what you want, go for it!

Try to meet someone who doesn't already have children...

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links (V4 Nov 2012)

It is useful if you can get to grips with the language of family law and procedure, and get an understanding of your rights, BEFORE you see a solicitor. If you are well prepared you will save time and money.

Children

The welfare, needs and interests of children are paramount. Parents have responsibilities, not rights, in this regard. Shared residence means both parties having an equal interest in the upbringing of the children. It does not mean equal (50/50) parenting time - children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents.

A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order - ?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance. Information and links to these can be found in the Directgov link below. Residence and Contact Orders are likely to be renamed Child Arrangements Orders in future.

Always see a specialist family lawyer!

Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law.

If you take legal action to protect yourself or your family from domestic violence, you may qualify for legal aid without having to meet the normal financial conditions. The income of an abusive partner will not be taken into account when deciding whether you qualify for legal aid.

You can also find out about Legal Aid and get advice on the Community Legal Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
www.gov.uk/community-legal-advice
Or search in your area for Community Legal Advisors:
legaladviserfinder.justice.gov.uk/AdviserSearch.do
Here is the Gov.uk guide to divorce which includes a link to CAB advice at the foot of the first page:
www.gov.uk/divorce

Rights of Women have a helpline on 020 7251 6577 and helpful advice on their website.
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/adviceline.php

Co-operative Legal Services offer DIY/Self-Help Divorce packages, as well as a Managed Divorce service. Their fee structure is more transparent and they have a telephone advice line as well as offering really good advice on their website:
www.co-operative.coop/legalservices/family-and-relationships/

You can read advice and search by area for a family lawyer here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

and here:
www.divorceaid.co.uk/

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if you can find any recommendations or feedback.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. This can help by encouraging discussion about arrangements for children and finance in a structured way in a neutral setting. However, it only works if both parties are willing to reach agreement.

If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation. This is important because while a Mediator should have knowledge of family law, and will often explain family law, they are not there to give tailored legal advice to either party - so it?s important to have that first.

You can find a Mediator here:
www.familymediationhelpline.co.uk/find-service.php

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question, because if you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Gov.uk advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.gov.uk/browse/births-deaths-marriages/marriage-divorce

Issues around contact are further explored here:
www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown
www.maypole.org.uk/
www.cafcass.gov.uk/media/2909/TimeforChildren.pdf

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:
www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you have access to, and take copies or make notes. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?
There is a useful divorce and separation calculator here:
www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends

If you cannot access financial information, or you are aware that assets are being hidden from you, then obviously you will not be able to reach agreement on finances. Again you will be encouraged to go to mediation (link as above).

If there are children, as you cannot divorce without adequate arrangements being agreed on finance and children, you will have to apply for a financial order anyway.
If there are no children, and you are unable to agree on finances, you will also have to apply for a financial order.
During this process, parties have to declare financial information going back 12 months. So it is in your interests to act quickly once you have made the decision to divorce.

If you are married, the main considerations of the Family Courts where parties are unable to agree a settlement are (in no particular order of priority):

1.The welfare of any minor children from the marriage.
2.The value of jointly and individually owned property and other assets and the financial needs, obligation and responsibilities of each party.
3.Any debts or liabilities of the parties.
4.Pension arrangements for each of the parties, including future pension values and any value to each of the parties of any benefit they may lose as a result of the divorce.
5.The earnings and earning potential of each of the parties.
6.Standard of living enjoyed during the marriage.
7.The age of the parties and duration of the marriage.
8.Any physical or mental disability of either of the parties.
9.Contributions that each party may have made to the marriage, either financially or by looking after the house and/or caring for the family.

CSA maintenance calculator:
www.csacalculator.dsdni.gov.uk/calc.asp

Handy tax credits calculator:
www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm#7

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

CAB Benefits Check:
www.citizensadvice.co.uk/getadvice/benefit-calculator/A2B-Benefit-Calculator/#730

Parenting issues:
www.familylives.org.uk
www.theparentconnection.org.uk

Other Support ? Children, Housing, Domestic Violence
www.womensaid.org.uk/ and refuge.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 2000 247
www.ncdv.org.uk/ - Helpline 0844 8044 999
www.gingerbread.org.uk/ - Helpline 0808 802 0925
Housing www.england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/families_and_relationships/relationship_breakdown
(Note that on many advice websites there is usually an appropriate link for England, Wales and Scotland where the law, advice and contact information may differ).
Sometimes links change or break ? if there is a problem or any of the above needs updating, please let me know.

22 is perfectly old enough to understand the implications of your decision

Had to laugh at this. No it's not, not for everyone. Certainly wasn't for me!

Why not Olgaga? If someone is old enough to get married, have kids, vote, fight in a war, all of that they are considered capable of making an adult decision. The OP should have been adult enough to realise what she was committing to, and adult enough to realise that she might change her mind. She obviously wasn't. Her DH was under the impression he was marrying an adult who was capable of making a rational decision about this.

She has changed her mind, and that's ok, people do, but she has to accept that her DH has every right not to change his.

Yes DH has every right to stick to his guns but that aside, he sounds like a bit of an arse
OP has every right to change her mind

Age is almost irrelevant. They both want different things in the 'deal breaker' stakes and unless they split up, there will be resentment whatever happens.

OP, tbh, you are quite lucky that you have somewhere to go, no kids and a feeling of doom already. If you were gushing about how your DH was 'perfect in every other way' it would be harder, but you aren't. You are saying that you have realised he is quite miserable/controlling/patronising etc

So it will be hard, but not that hard. Do it now whilst you are clear about what you want. Leave it too long and you could get confused about what you want

Good luck x

He is generally dismissive, sometimes I just don't even mention things to him because he will get cross.

He's nice to everyone else though

Ugh, this is all horribly familiar and sounds exactly like my 14-years-older-than-me husband (actually stbxh). I married him at 28 and have had years of criticism, grumpiness, and heartbreak at his propensity to be nice to everyone apart from me.

I was a cheerful, positive person, sparkly, friendly, loved entertaining. He has nearly broken me. In the end it was a question of survival leaving him. I was sure if I didn't I would commit suicide. Why did it take me so long?

Because we have children. Two lovely daughters aged 10 and 12. I found it almost impossible to face breaking up the family and agonised for years about it, my mental health being destroyed. Also I knew that because of his mean-mindedness towards me, the only thing worse than having him as a husband would be having him as an estranged husband.

We separated a few weeks ago and he is falling apart and unwilling to help himself and thinks is 'all my fault'. The children are very unsettled. He is deeply resentful and hostile. I feel liberated but hugely sad as well, I never wanted my marriage to fail. I was terrified of managing on my own, my confidence and self esteem were shot to pieces. But I am already regaining my energy and enthusiam for life after years where I just sat on the sofa at home, almost reclusive, apathetic and drained.

I'm looking to the future, I am most of the way through a medical degree, I want to move on. But there are going to be tough times ahead and I have nearly taken him back out of fear of the emotional, practical and financial consequences of leaving.

Oh dear... posessive, controlling, bullying, domineering older man with younger wife. Did you post another thread about him recently or are there two poor MN-ers with the same Victorian martinet in place of a loving husband?

Yes, Cogito, though I'm not sure it's me you are talking about. There are quite a few of us who made the terrible mistake of marrying an older, rigid, controlling man.

Life should be full of joy, OP. It never will be with your husband. If you have his children, you will be like a pinned butterfly. You will still want out, but you will find this next to impossible. You will realise you can only do it at huge personal cost. If he is 'nice to everyone else' you have to take the hit in terms of people blaming you. He may fall to bits like my husband and you will have the massive guilt, never mind that you got out to save your own sanity.

Run like the wind, now. Do not look back. Don't even consider having children with this man. This man will totally break your spirt. I beg you, do not end up in my situation.

22 is not "too young to know" just because she changed her mind

See also: 22 year olds who "know they want children" and absolutely nobody implies they don't know their own mind

*spirit!

22 or 32, OP is entitled to change her mind. Her OH is equally entitled not to change his! Marrying an adult who was capable of making a rational decision based on how she felt at the time yes, not wedding a robot with programmed responses.

Not sure I quite get all the blame being put on the H here. Looking at it from his POV - he has raised his kids and is clear in his own head, and straightforward and honest with his partner, that he doesn't want to do it again. He has every right to that attitude. So he cheks to make sure before getting married - 'cos he knows full well what an important decision something like that is in whether people can stay happily married - and his fiancee confirms that she doesn't want children and never has. So he marries her and they have a life together. Now she changes her mind about what is possibly the most important aspect of whether a marriage can work (which is of course her right to do and something that happens) - he's understandably a bit miffed, but that's all supposed to be his fault for not reading her mind (not only in the present, but the future!) properly in the first place?

Maybe he should have known, but then what should he have done/said? "Sorry, I can't marry you because I really don't want kids, and even though you SAY that you definitely don't want kids either, and we would therefore be perfectly compatible, I can't marry you because one day you might change your mind!" That would make about as much sense as a Christian not marrying another Christian because one day they might convert to Islam.

Having said that, I agree with previous comments that you need to leave him - and I wouldn't normally say something like that lightly. Having kids is not like buying a new car, it's the single most life changing and life-defining thing you can do. There is no compromise or rapproachment between the pursuit of a lifestyle without them and one with them. You simply make your choice.

You're young and have your whole like ahead of you to do that, so you have no business in a relationship that can't be part of the life you want.

I am also 29 with a husband 15 years older. I was clear from the start (22) that I wanted children. Eventually, he reluctantly agreed and we now have a five month old baby.

Don't do it. He has become horrendous to live with, there is nothing about me which he hasn't now ripped to shreds, he thinks I should do exactly what he wants and let him speak to me however he likes because he 'gave me a child'.

He is emotionally abusive and your husband sounds extremely similar. Please, please leave him and find someone who actually wants children rather than agrees to it then uses it to bully you because he resents the attention the baby gets. Pregnancy was also a nightmare. I am now leaving him.

I very rarely post but I feel I must warn you! He has been utterly horrible and I now find myself making plans to leave with my young baby. It's not ideal!

Cogito - you are talking about me I think