Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

[Galaxycounters]

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

Oooh, I'm getting quite cross on your behalf reading the last few posts since I posted yesterday, Galaxy.

I can assure you, you will feel better when you have dumped her. Make it your little game. Do not reply to the Facebook request ... if questioned, have a legitimate night out with a NICE friend planned that night (book it in now! just a glass of wine or two with someone who makes you feel like the lovely person you are). Avoid e-mails. Say you have been busy - or get a few remarks up your sleeve for when you don't want to explain something. My favourites for people like this are 'well I won't bore you with the details', or, if they continue to ask questions I don't want to answer 'gosh, so many questions' [with a shocked face].

I realised many years ago, that there are some people in life I can't answer back or beat, because they are willing to stoop to levels I won't (and can come up with snide replies quicker than me). So now I avoid those people and watch them wonder why.

I have dropped a couple of people recently and it feels lovely. Neither of these were people who were consistently nice to me and I was always in a state of wondering about our friendship. It is so empowering to be the one to decide that you deserve better. If you are feeling low, you need to be surrounded by people who make you feel good.

So that you don?t fall into another friendship like this, it might be worth examining why you let her treat you like this in the first place ? why you didn?t feel you were worth more as a child. Very often this type of things comes from our place within the family and how they treat us.

Also, as Don'tmindifIdo says, the others are scared of her. Think how great you will feel to be the one person who has managed to break away from the bitch her.

Oh yes ... and just hide her posts of Facebook so that she can't annoy you. To do this, hover the cursor just above one of her messages and to right top hand corner of her post. A little arrow will appear. Click on 'hide' and then click on 'hide all messages from [super bitch]'. This will be more subtle than deleting her.

Is there anyway you can arrange to meet for a coffee privately with just ONE from the group that you really like and get on with, and confide in her?

Tell her you dont want to create a feud, you dont want a fight or a fuss, you just want to leave the group behind as you feel bullied by Dreadful Friend, and it is too upsetting to you. Tell her what has been going on, the jokes and the facebook comments, and that you cannot take any more. You know the back biting, the rumour spreading, and you know this will happen, but you just wanted to explain to a few of your friends (not the dreadful one) why you wont be coming to any more events and not think that you are snubbing them, you just cant take any more of Dreadful friends behaviour towards you. But ask that this is kept confident and not used to fan any flames that you know will come.

This way, the others will know, and perhaps not join in with the gossiping?

To be honest, they all seem pretty dreadful if nobody has pulled her up on her behaviour and all have stood by her so far.

Just read Fellatios insightful post. Ignore what I posted.

Another question, has anyone else left that friendship group, or drifted away over the last few years? If anyone else just dropped off the radar it could be she was doing the same to them. it might help to look them up again.

Thanks guys for all the advice!

I think I am really bad at picking up on signals to be honest and am far too trusting of people and also I put up with far too much and allow people to become a friend when they really shouldn't be. I think that's the difference between me and lots of people tbh. I do attract a fair few people that have no other friends or that others aren't keen on. With hindsight I really should have told my friend to get lost at school, or refused to be friends with her again after she turned everyone against me. I was a very weak person at school and my confidence was absolutely rock bottom. I am stronger now and more confident but not confident enough to cut bad people out of my life and I need to get better at that.

Dontmind, there is one person that got a bit ostracised from the group a while back, maybe I will contact her and see what happened there? There are also a handful of people that don't come out on the meet ups very often so maybe they keep her at arm's length too?

Galaxy - I bet those people would be glad to meet up if it was a clear just you and them meet up, not the whole group.

She is not your friend.

If she can turn an entire group of people away from being your friends, they are not your friends either.

Ok, I've hidden her status updates on FB so I never have to see anything of hers, and I've limited what she can see on mine, so she will be able to see occasional general statuses but none of the everyday ones.

I've not had any texts from her or any messages so I shall just carry on as if she doesn't exist and if she sends any messages I will either not reply or be too busy to go/do whatever she is suggesting and send a to-the-point but polite message in reply.

I don't know how big the town is that you live in but surely you can start exploring other avenues for new friendships. Is there a gym on the other side of town, running clubs, film clubs you could try.

Then the issue of not replying to texts and ignoring don't arise, you are just too busy with you new hobbies/ new friends etc. And there is no risk of responding to a confrontation with her or anyone else from the group because you are busy doing whatever (and happy and enjoying life) and just don't have time for the old stuff. No criticism of anyone, no avoiding.

The best snub to her is that you are happy in yourself and have no interest in her or her socialising.

Of course, it does take quite a bit of courage to join new clubs and groups but that in itself would take your mind away from this nasty individual.

I've got other friends, but tbh I've never been into having a big social life as I'm a bit of a homebody and like my own and DH's company a lot of the time.

I think finding a new hobby might be a good idea though, I am planning on joining a gym with another friend and going to lots of classes so that will be one way to ensure I'm busy each evening.

The friend that's been booted out that no one else speaks to, but you still do... how do they feel now? Liberated? Or left out and really upset about it all? Would it be such a bad thing if you just got on with your own friends, and left her and her cronies to it? As someone has said already, if they'll ditch you on her say so, they aren't worth keeping.

Sounds a bit like a cheesy high school flick to me. Like Mean Girls or something.

Good plan OP. you could always meet some of the friends on a one-to-one basis for a coffee perhaps - I have a group of friends and whilst we often meet together there are times when just one or two of us will catch up. I was wondering if your other friends would definitely cut you off or if you just think they might because your confidence is low and if happened when you were younger. only you know for sure though and if there's a chance she'll be vicious as a result, your plan of going cool on all of them will be best. Think about it though.

How is it going Galaxy? Have you heard from her?

Hi Farrow! I haven't heard from her yet luckily. I feel loads better than I did the other day, almost as if a weight's been lifted from me now I've made the decision to cut her off. I don't even know now if I'm actually that bothered about mutual friends too, and feel a bit more relaxed about it all. I think I'll do what's best for me and let her reveal her true self to them all in time.

Thanks for asking :)

You know what I think is the best possible tack in handling this? It's not to confront, or bite back with 'witty retorts', or even to completely withdraw from her.

It is - simply - to no longer care.

Easier said than done thought, right? So, you just need to fake it until you get to that point.

Pretend you've got a bit of a private joke going with yourself when she makes a cutting remark. A tiny little smirk of a laugh. An infinitesimal eye-roll accompanied by a Mona Lisa smile. A little chuckle to yourself when she does something daft. Even if you're not a 'LOL' type person - when she writes something toxic on your FB page - respond with LOL.

It will drive her crazy.

Passive agression at its absolutely best. :) You won't be doing anything that she can pin-point, or call you on. You will constantly be getting one over on her and subtley undermining her. She won't quite be able to see where or when the transfer of power is happening, but she'll know that it is - and she won't be able to do anything about it.

The reason she has all this power over you right now is because you care way too much. Even though you know you shouldn't, you do - and I don't blame you. She's an insidious witch who's had a massive hold over you for years. But it's time to start turning the tables now.

Seriously. If you are going to find yourself in situations with her in the future, this is so the tack to take. Good luck.

I like those ideas Somerset! In fact they're really made me smile, and are something I'll try to pull off if she tackles me at any point or I bump into her and she starts.

You're right, I do care way too much. I think I am oversensitive as I seem to care too much about what people think of me.

Somerset 'The reason she has all this power over you right now is because you care way too much. Even though you know you shouldn't, you do - and I don't blame you'- so, so true.

I'm glad you are feeling better Galaxy. It would also be quite cool if she stumbled across this on Mumsnet and saw your 144 posts of support, and none in her favour.

You probably will get ups and downs with her as I doubt she will relinquish the person she off-loads all her rubbish on to that easily - but hold your nerve if she kicks back - smile sweetly, look at your watch or pretend to get that phone call and make your excuses to go (and then come on here so we can cheer you on!).

Your friend is what is now known on MN as a 'Wendy'.

I cut off the Wendy I was 'friends' with at uni. Once we graduated I realised I no longer wanted her nastiness in my life. I never confronted her, just dropped contact, though when mutual friends asked me why I wasn't seeing her I said quite directly that I could not be bothered with the unpleasantness any more, but please not to say anything to her. They' d all noticed it, and accepted it.

Fast forward a couple of years and one friend told me that Wendy often asked them why I was no longer in touch. Apparently it drove her mad not knowing why I'd stopped bothering with her. Which is amazing really-5 minutes thought ought to have reminded her she'd been crapping on me for years. Anyway, there were no real repercussions and it was quite satisfying to hear I had done her head in for a change.

Food for thought?

I really hope she does stumble upon this thread Farrow! That would be funny.

Eldritch, I have a feeling this friend won't have a clue either as to why I don't bother with her. She thinks she is in the right all the time.

i had a wendy. in fifth year i told her to fuck off. i surprised myself, i must have snapped.

she did. it was fab.

Is it working OP?

could you try talking to some of the other friends in the group about it? - not bitchily but just say that she's always putting you down [she sounds a total cow btw] and you don't understand why. Then next time she does it roll your eyes at them and hopefully you will find the dynamic has shifted and they will back you up. If they are basically nice people at any rate. If you do that and they still go along with her, then I agree you're best off getting out.

Some really good advice for you on this thread OP - I agree that the best thing for you to do is just not engage (and I'm quite a confrontational person!). Have you heard from anyone else in the group?