Friend speaks to me like dirt but speaks to others nicely

[Galaxycounters]

Hi, I've namechanged for this as my friend could possibly work out from my other posts on MN who I am.

I have been best friends with my best friend since we were about 12. All through school our friendship was based very much on her being the leader, and me being the underdog. She decided everything and bossed me around a lot. I took this as I didn't have much confidence at school. She is very much the type of person who is fine as long as absolutely everything is going her way. Should anyone upset the apple cart then she effectively bullies that person. I have seen her do it many a time to others, and I learnt at school to just toe the line and please her as I learnt to my cost once that if I didn't do as she said I would end up with everyone being turned against me and having a thoroughly miserable time until she decided to 'forgive' me. At the same time she would have people to whom she was very respectful and whom she wouldn't dare cross, and she would be nice as pie to them.

Fast forward twenty years and we are still in touch, more out of habit than anything really. We have a big circle of mutual friends, some of whom were from our schooldays, and other friends we've met in the meantime. I socialise a lot with many of these mutual friends. Not so much with so-called BF but I do socialise in a group with her at times. She arranges a lot of nights out but again it all has to suit her or she throws her toys out of her pram.

One thing I've noticed however is she speaks to me very disrespectfully all the time. She is quite an abrupt person and very bossy, and a lot of people do take this, but I've noticed the way she speaks to me is even more disrespectful than her bossy tone, it's very condescending and downright rude. Few examples; it was my birthday in the summer. She wrote 'HB' on my FB wall as my birthday message. Yet on mutual friends walls for their birthdays she is very gushing 'Happy Birthday Sweetie, have a super day, enjoy' etc etc. She also does FB events pages if she organises a night out and if I say anything on them I get a very snappy reply or if I can't go she just writes 'shame' whilst on other mutual friends replies if they can't go she is all 'never mind my darling, see you soon'. When we meet up she is very snappy with me. Everyone else gets gushing treatment yet I often get snapped at and spoken to like something she's scraped off her shoe. Yet she keeps contacting me and inviting me to things, and texts me etc, but doesn't seem to like me? I think she is a complex character with lots of jealousy issues and one mutual friend has suggested she might be jealous of me. And at other times she makes jokes about me that everyone else thinks are funny but I know she's doing it as a put down. Also all her comments on my FB are rude or derogatory. I put one on of one of my DDs the other week and her comment 'God she looks like YOU. Poor child'.

Anyway, I really don't feel I can tackle her on her behaviour as I know what she is like, she will whinge and bitch and turn all mutual friends against me, and I will be totally left out of the social circle. I don't make any attempt to contact her and keep contact with her on nights out very brief, but I can't cut off from her altogether as she will again turn on me and make my life difficult.

I really don't know what to do; do I pull back from the nights out and focus on other friends that aren't mutual friends with her, of which I have quite a few. Or do I stand up to her? Ignore her? I'm not keen on confrontation. And everyone else seems to think she's wonderful. Help!

Galaxy, I think it's good that you are going to leave this particular group, ESP if they are killing your confidence...but if you are cutting your losses anyway. Then why not TELL her that you are actually completely fed up with her lack of respect and the manner of her communication with you and that you respect yourself too much to be treated like that anymore and are therefore cutting all contact? It would make you feel SO much better!

If your confidence is low Galaxy then you most certainly can do without this toxic woman in your life.
She's no friend to you and neither are her cronies (though, often the "gang" in these situations stands by and watches and says nothing because secretly they're just glad it's not them coming in for the verbal abuse etc).
I know nothing of FB but if there is any way that you can avoid even having to look at anything she's posted then just do that.
If she can tell that you've done that, well so be it. There's a message right there for her.
As you say - ignore the texts completely.
If she bad mouths you, it won't matter because you won't hear it.
Cutting her out of your life is a very positive thing to do and is a step in the right direction in regaining control and begining to re-build your confidence.
You sound far to lovely to belong to her gang of witches anyway.

Why can't you delte her from facebook first? Then whatever she does in response, well you wont know about it. Block her mobile no, email address etc.

I think quietly moving away is a good idea. You are just busy - don't give a reason, a cheery "sorry I can't make it, hope you all have a great time!" on the invites for group things should do it. Slowly when she loses her punchbag she'll turn on others, you might find she starts losing friends once you step away.

I'd also suggest if there are only one or two in the group you'd miss, arrange something personal just with them, could you invite them over to dinner at yours or for a coffee? That's therefore not a big thing they could invite everyone too, and they get to see you away from the group.

Look, it's really simple. If being around her makes you unhappy then just stop. You owe her nothing. Don't worry about her turning mutual friends against you - if they will do that then they are her friends, but not really yours.

You don't need to have a big showdown - just distance yourself from her. If she asks you to do something as part of a group say No. if others ask you out as part of the same group, say yes. She'll soon get the message. From the sounds of things she keeps you around as a sort of historical obligation rather than because she still loves your company, so perhaps she will let you slip away quietly without noticing and making a fuss. Work on building a new set of friends who are not in her thrall. She sounds like an arse.

I too agree with SM and all the others. Your nice personality prevents you from caustic remarks. Totally not necessary, anyway. Just drift away. No drama. This will work out very well for you, right everyone? I know thats hard to beleive, but beleive us, it will. truely.

Like lots of men who routinely humiliate and put down their female partners, this 'friend' seems to need to have someone to hold in contempt in order to feel good about herself. Don't be her emotional punchbag. And personally I would not give her the pleasure of knowing that you care so much - just find other things/people to be busy with and drop her.

I've dealt with people like this in the past.

The best thing you can do for yourself is cut them out. No need to explain why or have some sort of confrontation (unless you want to), just ignore. Block from Facebook, ignore emails, texts and phone calls.

You will feel guilty for about five minutes, then utter relief, and you will be wondering why you didn't do it sooner. Good luck.

Hi OP

I can really relate to your post!! I had an incredibly similar friend in my then circle of friends of a few years back who was, to be honest, totally toxic. She was very friendly and nice to everyone except for me for years and years and years. I tolerated her behaviour, made lots of effort, but she still was her same rude and bitchy self to me. I put up with it as I knew to keep my friends I had to tolerate her and I genuinely did want to make the effort to be closer to her. Eventully though, we fell out ( I am not one to take things lying down forever if you catch my drift). I finally challanged her when she did something that hurt me quite a bit, which I couldnt let go without finding out why she had done what she did. And when I say fell out, I mean fell out in the most spectacular way... she FREAKED out when I dared confront her. I did it in a calm and dignified way but she couldn't handle it and went nuts. She immediately called all our mutual friends and with lies and more lies turned everyone against me, bar one friend who she had been similarly rude to through the years and who could see through her. It was an incredibly difficult time for me as I lost overnight my group of very close female friendships I had cultivated carefully throughout the years as I am not native to the UK. This was 2 years ago and I can honestly say that it took me a year of sadness and tears and anger, before I finally accepted the demise of all those friendships. Although one of them is slowly filtering back, I wont see most of them ever again as far as I know.
Now, I wish I could say that I was glad I confronted her, but I am not. Not really. I paid a very high price and was stupid in thinking that I could " talk to her" about it. In retrospect I wish I had done things differently. I should have just completely emotionally detatched from her and anything she said and when I saw her, was just cool and polite yet distant. Basically eradicating her ability to affect and hurt me, I would have stopped making any effort to be anything to her and only interacting with her as little as possible. What I wish I had realised that I see now, is that she didnt like me AT ALL and never did and never would have either. I also suspect your " friend" doesnt like you either. This is obvious in the way she treats you. The quicker you realise and accpet that, the better off you are. You know the difference between a real friendship( warmth, laughter, affection,always happy to see/hear from you)and your friendship with her.

I would only cut her off if you are ready to lose the entire circle of friends. Only you know if its worth it. If you can emotionally detatch from her then I would do that before you comprimise your circle of friends. If you cant detatch from her and she continues to hurt and taunt you then I would seriously consider cutting her out and risk losing the whole group. It may be a sacrifice you have to make to get her out of your life. Its hard to believe that she would do everything she could to ruin your other friendships and probably your reputation with your mutual friends but trust me, these types of women have the ability and desire to manipulate and lie and twist things and turn people against each other in ways that I dont think you and I could or would want to:( This is just my story, sorry about the essay. Hope it helps.

TBH I would not even bother blocking and blanking. If she notices then it will look a bit sulky and attention seeking on your part, and if she doesn't you will feel even worse. Just leave everything as it is, but don't comment on anything on her fb page, and if she texts you, reply, BUT NOT IMMEDIATELY, and say 'sorry can't do - busy that day' and just keep on until the habit of having her in your life is broken.

I promise you if you do something that provokes a show-down or a heart to heart with her, she will patronize you and make you feel like a needy hanger-on who is making a fuss over nothing and you will come away feeling worse about yourself.

If there are a few select friends in the group that you will be sad to lose, could you have a quiet word with them first? Warn them that she is likely to start spreading nasty untrue rumours about you? I guess it depends if you trust them enough not to go and tell her about it.

Well done for recognising this OP.

I'd say keep it light and friendly if you see her. If you come across her, be brief and find an excuse to dash (dentist/phone call etc - find out how to make your phone ring without anyone calling you, or pretend you had it on vibrate in your pocket use that as an excuse to leave). Blame busyness/tiredness/cold/bad back for not being in touch.
I wouldn't bad mouth her to the rest as they sound as bad. Just say 'have't seen her for ages/keep missing her calls/you know how busy it is with children etc. Be distant and a bit vague. You may eventually feel a bit better and could even have some fun watching them wonder how you have turned into this wonderfully friendly but slightly aloof person who seems to have found better things to do with her time than put up with this rubbish. If it is any consolation, I do not believe your friend is happy or she would not behave like this (and yes, I agree she ma be jealous)

PS: do post and let us know how it goes so we can support you and enjoy you getting the upper hand of this nasty little person

Can't you block people without them knowing? I assumed you could, could be wrong

Gosh, reading the OP brought back memories of school reunion I went to a couple of years ago. The primary school school-bully (who I have seen say 4 times in 50 years (yes 50 years) came up to me and made a snidey remark, then laughed loudly AT me, and afterwards I thought OMG she is still bitching! Unbelievable. I was always brighter than her at school, and I didn't have a broad local accent as my parents were from outside the area but apart from that I don't know what her problem was/is.
But it still brings up the horrid hurt/ angry feelings when someone belittles you like that.

I feel sorry for her to be honest and will just do well, nothing if I see her again. Perhaps laugh at her because I am so bemused that she can still harbour feelings against me! (though it was others that she bulliied).

The best thing you can do OP is make it look as if you are totally unconcerned, not angry, not hurt, then hopefully the 'friend' will soon get bored and move on (to some other poor victim).

Fellatio I get where you're coming from, but turn it around.

Why should Galaxy care how she comes across to people she doesn't like and don't matter to her?

Their opinion isn't important and tbh I'd place bets that worrying about being seen as nasty/unkind or whatever has contributed to this situation developing.

In conclusion, life really is too short to spend it worrying what people you don't like and don't care about think of you.

life is too short to have people in your life that have a negative impact, she sounds like a friend for the deleted bin to be honest..

Yes, but that's just it - I think she does 'like' her and it does 'matter' to her. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, like when a woman convinces herself that she really 'loves' a total arse of a bloke, even though rationally she can acknowledge that he treats her appallingly. It becomes a matter of deep insecurity, and about having the ability to 'make' someone love you back.

I don't think it will be especially cathartic for the OP to stand up and tell this friend exactly what she thinks of her, because for that to work the friend has to actually care if Galaxy no longer wants contact with her. I'm not sure she does, to be honest. I don't think it will get Galaxy the response she would be hopping for.

I think if Galaxy has self-esteem issues surrounding this friend then anything other than the friend being devastated, and apologising and promising to mend her ways (which I doubt will happen) will probably hurt Galaxy more than it punishes the friend iyswim.

If this friend is the dominating Alpha-female Queen Bee type Galaxy will probably get a very PA, half-arsed apology along the lines of 'Oh, well I'm sorry you think I do that, but you have always been a bit needy and over-sensitive, I should know that by now so I suppose I am at fault, sort of' and then she will probably start to blank Galaxy altogether on fb etc, phase her out of the group etc, and if Galaxy asks why it will be 'oh, well you seem to take offence at everything I say so I thought it would be better to give you some space for a while.' thereby absolving herself of the blame for the breakdown in the relationship.

I think for Galaxy be truly free of the cycle of over-analysing this very unbalanced friendship and how she is completely taken for granted in it, she would be best just to make the decision to back off all by herself; she doesn't need to explain it, even if asked. The friend will get the message in the end. It's easy enough to drop friends who are past their sell-by date without having to have a big showdown/heart to heart over it. I should know - I've dropped loads. It's practically my specialist subject.

If she tells the friend how she feels it becomes a tennis match with Galaxy's feelings as the ball and my hunch is that the friend would win in straight sets. Even if the outcome was that the relationship was severed, I don't think Galaxy would come out feeling especially victorious. I suppose it is really down to her, and depends on how fragile she really feels over this.

Blimey, that was long, and er... deep. I may be over-thinking this a tad.

Dear Galaxy You only posted a couple of days ago but in that time you have received 121 messages from people who are basically saying the same thing - to extricate yourself from this unhealthy friendship that does'nt seem to have done YOU any good for many years. Personally, I am not a FB'er and will never be , but I can't see any reason why you simply don't reply to any invitation she posts on FB . I think it has probably got to the stage ( and you will only know this ) that you DO need to do something . Do you really want to stay as unhappy as you are for much longer ? You have a new circle of friends whose company you enjoy and however much it might feel unpleasant, I would suggest you leave your other "friend " to continue on her own sweet way.

Thanks for the replies all, this reply has to be quick as I'm off to the school run but Fellatio, you have summed up exactly what she would say if tackled. She would never accept any responsibility or blame and would instead twist it onto me, and project that to our group of friends who would also see what a terrible person I am. She used to do it to me at school. I remember one incident, something very minor, where I wouldn't do as she said and when I arrived at school the next day half of our year weren't talking to me. Over time things did improve, once I toed the line and did as she said, and people did say to me that she had been telling them I'd said things that I hadn't. But no one ever tackled her on the lies once I said they were lies, and people were still as friendly as ever to her, so she totally got away with that one.

I agree with Fellatio. She is already being hideous and you haven't done anything wrong. I imagine she will be fairly viscous and more painful if you say anything. So just distance yourself quietly.

The good thing is you have a lot more to gain than she does by simply getting rid of her from your life. You'll feel happier I'm sure.

So agree Galaxy with FellatioNelson and Farrow. I think they give great advice.

She also agree she sounds very vindictive, so I doubt anything would come of a showdown or heart-to-heart.

Being distant, elusive sounds a good idea to me and saves on your energy! As they said you don't owe her an explanation.

They had some great tactics for distancing yourself when you meet or whatever. Can I suggest writing them down?!

It may be a bit unclear to her for a while, but in a year or two she will have got the message

Galaxy - the reason she gets away with it is that everyone else, even if they do like her, are also scared of her. They will hear the bitchy comments you put up with and see she's nasty to them and they aren't quite brave enough to call her on it, because they know it'll be turned round onto them. Noone wants to be the next punchbag.

At school this is more pronounced, she's got to be more subtle now, but still she'll give an air of someone you don't want to mess with, so they don't. It could well be that once she no longer has you to be rude too, others will start getting it. It could well be when you're not there already she has a second victim. People like this need someone to put down, ideally suitably nice who won't call them on it (people like this are good at spotting who will shout back at them and dont mess with them).

Step away, but arrange personal things with the ones you like, don't slate horrible friend to them, just step away.