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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why can men just go on the way they did before they have kids and we cant

40 replies

starshaker · 01/04/2006 22:52

dp is out at his friends and once again im stuck at home on my own. he does exactly the same as he did before dd was born like going to the football (every bloody game) going out with friends going to the gym etc etc whereas if i want to go out its like mission impossible. i need to arrange a babysitter or need to make sure im home in time to make dinner and for dd bedtime. its just so unfair.

sorry just wanted to moan

OP posts:
JoolsToo · 01/04/2006 22:52

knock knock

beetroot · 01/04/2006 22:52

shit

beetroot · 01/04/2006 22:52

shit

moondog · 01/04/2006 22:55

Starshaker,I'm sorry to but your dp sounds like a total arse.
I don't think I've ever heard you say anything positive about him.

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 22:59

he can be nice when hes around but he works all the time and he likes time to relax when hes not working pity he doesnt want to spend that time with us though.

was speakingto my mum about it and she says if he did spend time with us all the time id crack up cos i like time to myself aswell. but it would be nice if he wanted to

OP posts:
BadHair · 01/04/2006 23:01

My dh used to do that when ds1 was coming up to 1. The novelty of a young baby had worn off and he thought it was OK to go back to what he thought was normal.
I actually left him. Only for a night, but it kicked him into touch and made him realise that he had to pull his finger out. He's been more or less OK ever since - 3 years on and counting. In fact we got married in Feb this year.
It does sound like you need to sit down and have a talk. How about suggesting a set time each week when he has the children and you have your own time to do whatever you want, be it go out, shut yourself in the bedroom to read a book, whatever.

moondog · 01/04/2006 23:02

And see you referring to marriage on another thread.
Tread carefully SS.
Don't waste your love and energy on a man who doesn't want to be with his family.

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:04

by the time he gets home shes in bed and hes got football most saturdays or sundays and the days hes not at football he wants to catch up with his friends. i just feel like im doing everything on my own

OP posts:
moondog · 01/04/2006 23:06

You feel like that because you probably are.
I'm sorry,you don't need a lecture from me,but you sound so lovely in your posts and I will never forget you bursting with love and pride when you posted a picture of Alana (sp?) as a newborn.

XX

colditz · 01/04/2006 23:07

Just go out. You don't have to be home in time to cook dinner, or arrange a babysitter, or for dd's bedtime. Just get ready, and when he walks in, you say "I am going out. Dinner needs doing, and it's your turn. I will ring you if I'm going to be back ater midnight."

He can't go out if he's on his own with his daughter.

gomez · 01/04/2006 23:08

Get up tomorrow morning and go out. Come back mid-afternoon in time to ask what is for tea. Although if you are feeling nice you could call him and ask if you should bring anything home -maybe a nice pudding or bottle of wine.

You need to let him know that this is not the type of family life you want to have - regardless of what others do - preferably before you get married. You won't come to accept it, but only get angier and more resentful the longer it goes on.

beetroot · 01/04/2006 23:11

is this what you want form life?

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:12

i would but hes already made plans to go to his mates house (same 1 as tonight). think whats getting to me most is he asked me to drive him to his friends today when he knew i was meeting a friend for a quick coffee its like his life is more important than mine. and last night i had to go pick up his cousin and bring him up. im like a cook cleaner nanny taxi and anything else he wants to throw in

OP posts:
BadHair · 01/04/2006 23:13

So did I! My dh used to get home from work before us and go straight to the pub. When we got home at almost 7pm it was to a dark, empty, cold house - I was furious that he preferred to go to the pub rather than get the house warm and cosy for his son.
It was only when I'd absolutely had enough that I packed our bags and we left him. The next day we had a crisis talk, and he agreed to be there for us - he really hadn't realised that his behaviour was not OK.
I'm still the one that gets up in the night with the children as he professes not to hear them (yeah, right!), but he's now really good about having the children so I can go out. Not that I do it very often, but I know that I can if I want to.
However, if he hadn't changed his ways after our talk, I would have carried on and left him properly. I know it sounds harsh, but would you be prepared to do that if he doesn't start pulling his weight?

mummygow · 01/04/2006 23:13

Totally agree when I had dd my dh'd life didn't change and I would do everything, not go out and when I did run home to do everything - well not this time - I don't care what kind of mood he will be in when I come home and he has had to beath feed kids etc - do you know why - because he didn't care about my moods - and guess what now that he is used to doing stuff and knows that I WILL leave him to get on with it he doesnt mind!!

MillionDollarBaby · 01/04/2006 23:13

FWIW I think a lot of men are like that. Certainly it's the norm where I live, all the blokes are out very weekend.

welshboris · 01/04/2006 23:15

And this is why I'm single. Would rather be single for a long time than let a man walk all over me

beetroot · 01/04/2006 23:15

oh for goodness sake ss. he has made plans to go to a mates. not an imoportant appointment that he cannot miss. get agrip love

lockets · 01/04/2006 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moondog · 01/04/2006 23:16

If women put up with this shit,then yes,they will carry on like this.

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:19

said to him today and he say he never stops me seeing my friends the differance is my friends live an hours drive away and im the only who drives and his live 5 mins away

OP posts:
lockets · 01/04/2006 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 01/04/2006 23:27

So take the hour's drive if you want to see your friends.

He probably sees you being in as an opportunity for him to go out. If you are always in, he will always go out.

Tell him clearly what you expect him to do with your dd and around the house, make sure he knows when and what to feed her and when to change her (men are very good at neglecting a child just enough to make a mother not want to go out again, but not enough to do damage, by saying "but I didn't know XXX.....")

Then go out for the day. It's a good thing your friends live an hour away, he can't turn up on the doorstep and say "She wanted you..." - another little blackmail trick I have seen men use.

gomez · 01/04/2006 23:29

Agree lockets - certainly isn't the norm in my world.

gomez · 01/04/2006 23:32

Sorry Starshaker posted too soon. Get in the car and drive to your friends then - leaving DP with DD. If his friend is only 5 minutes away he can walk around there with her surely.

Sorry seems a bit like moaning/preaching but if you are not happy with how things working out then to be fair you need to try and change it.

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