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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why can men just go on the way they did before they have kids and we cant

40 replies

starshaker · 01/04/2006 22:52

dp is out at his friends and once again im stuck at home on my own. he does exactly the same as he did before dd was born like going to the football (every bloody game) going out with friends going to the gym etc etc whereas if i want to go out its like mission impossible. i need to arrange a babysitter or need to make sure im home in time to make dinner and for dd bedtime. its just so unfair.

sorry just wanted to moan

OP posts:
Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:33

i know i need to tell him and i do try but sometimes its not worth the hassel. at least if i do it it gets done. if he was at home id be able to get dd room finnished might tell him to get his mate to come over and they can take her out for the day

OP posts:
cataloguequeen · 01/04/2006 23:34

arse...that's what he is ...I know the feeling...you should talk to him Angry

You sound like a one parent family ..tell him that!!

Take some time out and let him take care of your dd or have some time together.

Chandra · 01/04/2006 23:35

I agree with the rest that he will continue to behave like that for as long as you continue to put up with it.

If your friends live 1 hrs drive from where you live so what, you can visit them as well, or:

Most of my friends live hours away and we still manage to "get together" for a long coffee or nice chat: I book "babysitting" time with DH as if it was for a normal going out, and me and friend sit with a coffee in front of us and speak via telephone for hours long (God bless 18866!). DH takes cares of DS if they are around, we agreed that they have to pretend I'm not home.

Actually, I miss Whymummy a lot, we used to have a coffee every Tuesday morning before we both went back to work, no matter that she lives near London and I'm up north :)

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:35

gomez its 5 mins in the car ish and its a really busy road (we live in the middle of nowhere). think it is also i dont know any1 here really cos i moved here when i was very pregnant. sometimes i just hate being on my own

OP posts:
BadHair · 01/04/2006 23:36

There's only one person who can start sorting this out, and that's you. You either talk to him and start taking some time for you, or carry on as you are. Your choice.

Original poster
starshaker · 01/04/2006 23:38

ill talk to him tonight and post in the morning thats him just home. thanx for all ur support

OP posts:
gomez · 01/04/2006 23:39

Good luck but be firm!

Chandra · 01/04/2006 23:41

Starshaker, it it worht the hassle, if it weren't you wouldn't be here complaining about his appalling behaviour.

There's a Spanish joke about men explaining a newly wed man how to avoid house shores: "If she asks you to do the washing break the plates, by the third one she would do it herself"

DH tried that with me, I, instead went straight to the store and replaced those broken plates with a more expensive set with my credit card that gets paid from his account Wink.

BadHair · 01/04/2006 23:45

Good for you - hope it goes well. I might not be on tomorrow but will check Monday to see how you got on.

mistressmiggins · 02/04/2006 08:01

just wanted to say that your marriage sounds a lot like mine (was)
he didnt go out at night - just didnt come home !

he left house early & came home late so no help with children during the week
had to force him to bath kids at weekends & he just sat reading the newspaper rather than playing with them
he had a lie in both Sat & Sun til I got PND and my friend told me to put my foot down
I used to sit at weekends playing with the kids and look at him reading his paper & think "its him & us"

thats prob why its been so easy for him to leave

even now he takes them once a month to his parents for the weekend and I KNOW they do everyhting
e.g this morning, it will be the grandparents my children go into & sit in bed with while ex sleeps off his hangover

I did all this cos I loved him and thought that we needed a husband/daddy

it made me ill/resentful/tired

now hes gone, I can see how little he did and how THIS IS NOT THE NORM
my friends' husbands, brother & dad all help and interact with kids
he didnt Sad

BadHair · 03/04/2006 21:29

Starshaker - did you speak with him? How did it go?

maltesers · 09/04/2006 17:03

Starshaker i can relate to all you have said and the answer is mainly becausse we put up with it and let them. My last dh was the same and my present one like the pub and tries to behave like he is single and get away with as much as possible. Put your foot down and go off for the day somewhere and if possible dd with him. Tell him you deserve a break and its his dd too. tell him he owes you one.

HappyDaddy · 12/04/2006 10:34

Men tend to feel slightly detached from the children, as most often they are not the primary carers. So it's easy to feel that their lives haven't changed, apart from having another face around the home.
Selfish, yes but it happens so often it must have some truth in it.

Tortington · 12/04/2006 11:14

becuase the message your giving is that its ok to shit on me.

if you want to go out - he looks after the kid and visa versa- you must have enough money for all this socialising - so make sure tis equal.

notasheep · 12/04/2006 11:43

starshaker-you need free time too,infact insist on it.
I go out when i want to and dp has to look after his children and take RESPONSIBILITY

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