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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm scared to get a tattoo cos Mum won't like it.

33 replies

DaysieGoneBananas · 09/11/2012 09:55

Fair enough if I was 19 but I'm 35. There are alot of things I daren't do in case Mum wouldn't approve and I realise that it is totally pathetic and spineless but I just can be bothered with the disapproval and disappointment. The thing is the reason I want the tattoo is to remember three angel babies and my 3 little people that are still here. It would be covered most of the time and it isn't large but even though I know exactly what I want and exactly where and that it would help me I literally can't do it!
Sorry for such a trivial thing but I just wanted some perspective on things...are tattoos really bad, does Mum have a point?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 09/11/2012 09:58

Tatoos are marmite really, love 'em or hate 'em. I had mine when i was 18 and really regret it. But if you have thought it through and are sure then I dont see a problem.

What is a problem is that at 35 and a mother of three, you are still alllowing your mum such control over your life. Why is that?

CailinDana · 09/11/2012 09:58

I'm not a fan of tattoos at all, but if you want one you should have one. It sounds like you're displacing the decision onto your mum's shoulders, which isn't really fair. Why do you worry about her approval so much?

Schlock · 09/11/2012 09:59

My dh hid his first tattoo from his parents for over ten years, lol

Until dd1 ratted him out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2012 09:59

Personally I hate the things because I'm the kind of person that is easily bored with design!!! I have to change my decor every few years so the idea of something permanent on my actual skin makes my toes curl. I also grew up at a time when the only people who had tattoos were rough, burly types and have never caught up with the fashion. But this isn't about me, it's about you. :)

For you, if you want one, go out and do it. I think it would be cathartic to tell your DM about it either beforehand or after the fact. Just to assert your independence.

pictish · 09/11/2012 10:01

Time for you to break free of seeking your mum's approval all the time - you are an adult and should not be living your life according to what your mum thinks.
Break free of your dependency on her back up, and symbolise it by getting that tat!

Go on now....chop chop!

pictish · 09/11/2012 10:02

Show her afterwards, and when she pulls 'the face' grin at her and say 'I LOVE it!'

Lovingfreedom · 09/11/2012 10:11

Might do you good to do something your mum doesn't approve of for a change....I'm not a huge fan of tattoos (except on really attractive guys arms...mmmmm....or on sailors) but I know a lot of people like them and if you really fancy one and have for a long time (not just a passing whim) then go for it. It's your body, not your mum's! said she who has begged her children not to ever consider getting those funny hole in ear things, which I personally find revolting...sorry to anyone who's got one...
She might say something disapproving...but she'll get over it and so will you.

Mouseface · 09/11/2012 10:23

I had mine at 19 and at 37, I now regret it a little but only because I'm not 9 stone and out clubbing all the time!

We all feel like that about mothers IMO, there's always an element of disapproval from your mother (or father) at points in your life whether you're 2, 12 or 40! I think some of us are just wired that way, to expect disapproval, or to worry about upsetting your parent because that's how it was when you lived at home under their roof, with their rules!

If you were going to have Satan tattooed across your face, then I could see she might be a tad upset, but it's YOUR BODY. Plus, you're certain of the design, where you want it....

You've given it lots of thought so go for it. Yep, she'll roll her eyes at you, tut and sigh but so what, life's too short isn't it?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/11/2012 10:29

I don't have a tattoo but if it floats your boat why not.

I know it's completely avoiding the issue of why you feel like you shouldn't because your Mum won't like it, but why does she have to know?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2012 10:33

Mum 'has to know', not because there's any obligation to tell, but because hiding the tattoo would not move the OP any further along in asserting her independence.

pictish · 09/11/2012 10:34

Exactly.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2012 10:37

If I was your Mum, I would ask why you feel inking your skin is going to help you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/11/2012 10:40

I don't the OP is getting a tattoo to 'help' her. She wants a design that features her children. A lot of people do it.

pictish · 09/11/2012 10:42

If I were your daughter I'd reply 'that's a starnge question mum - why did you ask me that?'

puds11 · 09/11/2012 10:42

I got mine done without my mothers approval. I just told her it was my body and i would do what i like with it.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2012 10:46

Cognito - I'm only going off what the OP said in her op ...and that it would help me.

JammySplodger · 09/11/2012 11:09

Tattoos aren't a bad thing, but there are always going to be some people who don't like them. But it's for you that you'd be doing it, and your opinion that matters.

And my mum would be just the same, but I wouldn't be doing it for her, and learnt to ignore her unsubtle comments years ago.

Original poster

DaysieGoneBananas · 09/11/2012 11:13

Wow...sorry out at Playgroup didn't expect this many replies!
Basically I would like three solid stars to represent my 3 children and three outlines around them to represent my angels. very small (will fit under a watch strap on my wrist, my watches are men's watches so the straps are quite wide and chunky.)I want something to acknowledge that my angel babies exist as there are few people who will talk to me about it, the subject is changed if I mention them.

I also have issues with self harm which is to do with a physical mark on my skin calming me down ... I don't expect anyone to understand that that is part of my mental makeup. I feel that a tattoo may help in that respect too.
I have always felt that I needed Mums approval. She was thin, feminine and popular, in contrast I was large, boyish and had to be funny to be noticed. (huge can of self pitying worms - won't bore you)
thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 09/11/2012 11:24

If you have issues with self harm then the adrenaline and discomfort from a tattoo might not actually be an entirely wise thing for you OP, it can open the door a little to your predilection. Tattooing can be quite an addictive enterprise...it's not just about the marks but about the process.

personally i would be thinking about

sorting out the hurdle of separating from your need for Mum's approval/avoiding disapproval
assessing how much you want a tattoo as part of your pain/release mental issues and how much as a visible decoration/reminder of your 6 DCs both here and departed
looking into whether you need further help/support with the feelings of loss over those 3 Dcs and why others won't let you mention them

then I would think about the tattoo again in the light of this.

all the best OP

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 09/11/2012 11:32

Daysie - I want something to acknowledge that my angel babies exist as there are few people who will talk to me about it, the subject is changed if I mention them can you not tell people that you want to talk about your babies, that it's OK if you get upset, but you want & need to talk about them. Do you have any things you bought for them or photos (sorry, I don't know at what stage you lost your babies :( ) that you could put in a frame, you can get box frames that are good for framing things like onesies or small toys. Could you get some counselling? I just don't see how getting a tattoo is going to help you through this, and as foolonthehill said, it could be a very bad move for you in light of your self harming.

I wish I could give you a big hug and talk to you about your babies - you need a friend, not a tattoo x

Original poster

DaysieGoneBananas · 09/11/2012 12:03

All 3 of the angels were lost before 12 weeks and I don't think the people I talk to are comfortable about me getting upset as I'm not someone who gets upset normally. DH is very supportive but he never really feels like a pregnancy is 'real' until about 8months gone!
I am actually having couselling at the min for the relationship issues I have with Mum...although the woman I'm seeing about it is a bit odd. I think it may be a bit of a 'cutting the apron strings' too getting the ink. I've been thinking about getting it for so long.
As for the self harm thing...its not the process that I need its the outcome. the actual practice makes me squirm (although I can handle pain!)
I feel like maybe I'm making too much of losing the babies because it was so early each time.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 09/11/2012 12:22

Of course you're not making too much of losing your babies, they were your children and you loved them no matter how tiny they were. It does seem like you're ready to deal with the impact losing them has had on your life, which is great, but in light of what you've said I agree with the others that a tattoo is probably not a great idea.

What do you mean when you say the woman you're seeing about it is a "bit odd"?

JammySplodger · 09/11/2012 12:23

Just a thought but have you ever posted on the miscarraige part of MN? There will be people there who will not only be happy to talk about it but also know exactly what you went through / are going through.

Loosing them before 12 weeks by no means makes them any less important, valid or missed. It's a traumatic thing to go through - a friend has had three miscarrages and two happy healthy children but said just the other day she doesn't feel she has really got over it.

See if you have a RL friend who'd be happy to talk too.

CrazyCatLady13 · 09/11/2012 13:53

I'm a self harmer and have huge scars up my arms. However, once I started to work through my issues and had stopped self harming, I got a tattoo (my third) to cover up a scar that particularly bothered me on my wrist.

I'm glad to say that it never prompted me to start self harming again (the thought that it might never entered my mind!) and it gives me something positive to look at, rather than a scar.

I've only regretted one of my tattoos as it was a rose, and my married surname was rose. When my divorce was finalized I got it covered with a butterfly tattoo, nice and symbolic!

I'm sorry to hear about your losses OP, but think that a tattoo, if well thought out over time, can be a wonderful tribute to those that you've lost.

Original poster

DaysieGoneBananas · 09/11/2012 13:54

By a 'bit odd' I mean she makes me slightly uncomfortable. She isn't odd ...thats a mean thing to say I just don't think we gel very well (and that sounds so buzzwordy!)
No RL friend who'd be happy to talk. I'm not the freind they go to for drama I;m the one they come to for comfort, being made to laugh. Don't feel comfortable in any other role for them. Might try on the MC board. Thank you for the suggestion.
Just so I can be clear why do you not think a tattoo would be a good idea?

OP posts:

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